Shyness

[Apollonian]

That is exactly how I have always been (able to share anything in writing but the opposite when i go to speak outloud). I have over 10 journals from childhood that are just filled with all the words i was never able to speak outloud. I pray that someday it will be the opposite, that the words will flow out of my mouth like then do now on paper. Maybe its the fact that i cant see or hear the person who reads this, i cant feel the rejection, or bad thoughts... i dont know. Some times i wish i could just write people rather than talk to people, but that would be real fellowship would it? I know that forcing myself talk outloud is getting outside of my comfort zone, and i know that this is also how we can grow JPPT1974 and who ever else stuggles with sharing their feelings outloud. Some day, i will be able to say anything that comes to mind and i wont have to think about what people think, Lord please help that day come soon... so that i can be a stronger, bolder witness.

Bingo. I too find written communication easier than verbal.

You talked about how you want to learn to speak, but what about my original question: How would you like to be approached?

Here is a related thought. If you get frustrated because you can't bring yourself to start a conversation, and someone usually sits next to you in class, would you come to resent them for not talking with you (since they are essentially treating you like so much shy furniture)? Or, would you understand if they didn't talk to you for a while and then finally took the initiative (doing all the work on their part)?

-Apollonian

 

[cookieluvsjesus]

I want to be approached by people.... I want people to think im approachable. I probably would be dissapointed if the person next to me didnt say anything to me. But for some reason thats usually how it is. Ive had plenty of classes where the person sitting next to me doesnt say anything. And ive done the same so people around me. My personality inside is bubbling with extoversion and i always want to strike up conversation... introduce myself, but i dont and i always kick myself for it. Example... there was a guy who sat a couple rows from in my algebra class and i noticed for months that he would glance at me often. I always wanted him to talk to me, and i always wanted to talk to him, but it never happened. One day he came into class with a drop paper and gave it to the professor to sign. He had been called into action to Iraq with the national guard. My heart literally dropped and for like 2 weeks i was a bit depressed because i missed not seeing him, and was so dissapointed that i didnt talk to him.

I dont think that it should be the other persons whole responsibility to start up conversation. It should be a mutual thing... I want to do my part, and not wait for others to approach me, because if i wait on them, it may never happen and then i would missing out on perhaps a great friendship.

 

[Multi-Elis]

Being a shy extrovert myself... I often feel more comfortable around shy guys... as just regular friends... because they know how terrible it is to not know what to say, so if I don't know what to say then it's fine. Well that's all true in theory. One of my best friends last semester was a shy guy... I still don't even know his name... we had so much uncomfortable silences... but I knew that if I was feeling dumb, he was feeling just as dumb so it didn't matter. In the end we found a subject to talk alot about - theatre. Just thought an example would be insitefull.

 

[Pirch80]

Usually with me I try to go up to people and say "Hi" and ask them what their name is and everything. Usually once I know a person then it's easier for me to start talking with them. Because once you become friends that you know pretty good it's a lot easier to talk to people.

 

[Crain]

That is exactly how I have always been (able to share anything in writing but the opposite when i go to speak outloud). I have over 10 journals from childhood that are just filled with all the words i was never able to speak outloud. I pray that someday it will be the opposite, that the words will flow out of my mouth like then do now on paper. Maybe its the fact that i cant see or hear the person who reads this, i cant feel the rejection, or bad thoughts... i dont know. Some times i wish i could just write people rather than talk to people, but that would be real fellowship would it? I know that forcing myself talk outloud is getting outside of my comfort zone, and i know that this is also how we can grow JPPT1974 and who ever else stuggles with sharing their feelings outloud. Some day, i will be able to say anything that comes to mind and i wont have to think about what people think, Lord please help that day come soon... so that i can be a stronger, bolder witness.

Actually to tell you the truth.... Its good to guard your heart. No one isn't suppose to know your true heart except God and your husband. Which by then you'll be consider as one in God's eyes. God helped me broke that barrier just recently and I feel alot better. I do not know why... but it was always hard for me to talk to opposite sex. So when God help me do it ... That fear just instantly became the past and now I'm looking for girls to talk to. You girls r so interesting.

 

[cookieluvsjesus]

I suppose thats what im waiting for (my future husband) so i can share everything. Maybe God wants me this way now, so that someday i will be able to share everything with the person God intended me to... I never thought about it that way Crain... "No one is suppose to know your true heart except God and your husband..." God certainly knows my true heart and I think he's been trying to tell me to be satisfied with just Him. I am, finally after some hard, lonely years... I also know that im ready for 'my man' whenever God says its time.

Its the opposite for me Crain, about being able to share with the opposite sex. I have an easier time sharing with guys than girls. Girls tend to be harsh and judgemental... or at least that has been my experiences. Guys just listen and give their honest opinions. I like honest. I guess it could be because i grew up with older brothers, no sisters, so thats the only peers i had to talk to growing up. So, either i talked to the boys, or i didnt talk at all. I think i for the most part just didnt talk at all. So here i am, 20 years old and still struggling with it.

 

[Crain]

Do not worry about the struggles cookieluvsjesus. STRUGGLING is one part that makes us,humans, strong in the faith. There is only one that should be called the perfect human christian. And his name is Jesus. No one is perfect except him. Everyone makes mistakes and we see that everyday. So before I actually start point fingers, I really consider myself and try to put myself in there shoes. Or in other words, I try to understand why they did what they did.

 

[Apollonian]

Here is a new thought I have...

What do you all think of a concept I would call (for lack of a better term) "manic depressive shyness". What I mean to say is that it may be possible for a person to be "shy" in some circumstances (reserved and unwilling to approach and/or engage other people in conversation or other activities) and quite "outgoing" in others (ready, confident, and willing to engage people even to the point of playing a fool at times).

I am fascinated by people who mix "shyness" with "intro/extro-version". The two are completely separate topics and there are other threads which discuss this. With shyness specifically, I find it interesting that there are probably a lot of people who seem outgoing enough in general but are incredibly shy in only very specific circumstances.

Does this describe you? Are you the life of the party when you are in your element and know what to do? But when you find yourself in unfamiliar surroundings or in a position that requires something out of the ordinary do you freeze up?

I am interested in hearing other peoples stories in this regard. What do you think about the concept of being "manic-depressively shy"?

-Apollonian
20/m INTj

 

[Crain]

Apollonian,
That is so me. I'm alive when I know what I'm doing and when I'm around in different surroundings, I tend to be quiet when I'm in a new spot.

 

[kermit the toad]

Saxman, I know exactly how you feel (in the OP). I'm very shy too. I have trouble meeting new friends and meeting women. In fact, I recently sort of "avoided" a girl that I have a crush on because I was too shy to talk to her.

Hopefully, I can get the nerve up and talk to her on Monday. Seriously, even thought it's hard to do, the best advice I can say is to FORCE yourself to be more outgoing. I know it's hard, and often awkward, but when I've made myself do this, the results have usually been good.

 

[cookieluvsjesus]

"(reserved and unwilling to approach and/or engage other people in conversation or other activities) and quite "outgoing" in others (ready, confident, and willing to engage people even to the point of playing a fool at times)."-Ap.

yes this describes me...I feel almost like dr. jekel, and mr. hyde.... Around people who are outgoing themselves i tend to feel a little more comfortable, but when around people that seem perhaps a little closed off, i tend to close myself off as well. I have the desire to be more outgoing in some situations and for some reason i freeze up, go blank and say nothing and this drives me nuts. I always go home some what dissappointed because maybe i just missed my chance on meeting or getting to know a great person.

 

[Apollonian]

If you admit that you have "manic-depressive shyness" do other peoples' impressions of this bother you? By that I mean, if you are usually outgoing, yet a specific person (crush or otherwise) sees you being shy around them, do you wonder if they think you're stuck up, arrogant, or otherwised estranged to them?

Eg. Eye contact. It is conceivable in my mind that the most outgoing person may not even be able to make eye contact with certain people due to a variety of reasons. Yet, this may come off as ignoring said people and/or being snobbish.

Does anyone have any thoughts on countering this problem or any further thoughts regarding its specifics?

-Apollonian
20/m INTj

 

[Machachachi]

I have a quick reply to this, I know exactly how you feel, shyness is such a struggle, but its worth fighting to be outward in your affections. I used to be so afraid of people and I fought and fought and still continue to fight to be outgoing, and in all this fighting I have achieved nothing but success, yes I have had dissapointments, but there are 7 billion people on this earth and 4 billion of them are bound to like you, there are so many people out there in this world just waiting for someone exactly like you to come along and make their day. And what more can you ask for, and I know that the witty and fun personality underneath that probably dances to music alone in a room is just waiting to pull a David out on the streets in the loins and all and show the world exactly how awesome this love of life you have is..... God is there pulling for you veritably shouting in joy at every effort you make cause he knows you and what he has made, and don't worry about the chicas, cause to be honest there such a hassle.... Actually concerning women I've found shear determination to be my only source of success, just keep pushing yourself to ask the questions you hate... Like how bout a date or whatever it is you want to ask.... Cause I mean all they can say is no and whats so bad about closure? I mean if they say no, it just means that is one less person you have to worry about knowing where you stand.... Learning to accept dissapointment as an inevitability is gonna be your greatest strength, cause once you can accept dissapointment no one can do anything to you.... And I mean God is for you, So WHO can be against you?

God created a wonderful, powerful, faithful, determined, unafraid, and passionate person and its about time the world got a piece of that, cause the world needs more people like you.....

 

[cookieluvsjesus]

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[cookieluvsjesus]

That was an inspiring reply Machachachie!

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"if you are usually outgoing, yet a specific person (crush or otherwise) sees you being shy around them, do you wonder if they think you're stuck up, arrogant, or otherwised estranged to them?" ~Apollonian.

Yes, i do wonder what they think of me, i worry that they do think that im stuck up...i dont like that. It makes me think that all hope of ever getting married gets flushed down the toilet everytime i avoid eye contact or conversation... I want all people to see me as who i really am.

 

[Saxman]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the inspiring replies. Sorry I haven't been able to reply till now.

A few people asked me how I was doing with my shyness.

Well. I am certainly understanding my particular blend of shyness a lot more than I used to. Specifically I find that in situations I am uncomfortable in I put on a serious mask and lose the lighthearted part of me that gradually emerges when I am comfortable with people. By holding this likeable part of me back I am in effect shooting myself in the foot and engendering the sort of negative reactions from others I fear. A big thing I need to work on is actually believing that people will like the real me and being myself around them. When someone obviously likes me then I find I become more natural and likeable in turn. There is a girl I know who is rather plain, and not particularly interesting, but because she expects people to like her and is completely natural and genuine she is very likeable. At the moment however I am struggling with this leap of faith as I am so used to people rejecting me or mistreating me in my past.

Something which has been helping a lot is getting involved with debating at university. I, a self-professed shy guy am now president of the society! Plus for the first time since school I feel accepted within a group, having felt left out for so much of university.

Less promising has been my experience at work. I tend to get on with people better when there is a focus or an activity, but at work I was thrown with 20 other people my age where the main interaction focused around lunch together, drinks together etc. In all of these events I got completely left out while the more extroverted people dominated the conversation. While I tried to talk to the quieter people individually, I didn't really hit it off with anyone.

Another thing that really hurt was last week when it was my birthday. I sent an invitation asking everyone out for a meal, and a few people made excuses and the majority did not even reply. As I had tried my best to be friendly to everyone and get to know everyne, this really ruined my day and you are not 20 every day.

 

[Im_A]

i am a shy person myself. have been all my life, for various of reasons that i could go long in detail but for right now i will refrain from that.

i control my shyness as best as i can. somedays i am fine, and sometimes, i am the one sitting in the corner by himself. it's just something i deal with daily, but know now that i am 22, you get tired of it. but i don't want to be the life of the party. for one thing i don't want all that attention on myself. i like a mix of it now.

so now i just remember that there are too many people on this planet, to justify hiding away in shyness all the time. when i try to actually step outside of myself and talk to a girl, and get rejected, i laugh it off now. and if someone doesn't like me for who i am, that is fine, because the number of population exceeds the hanful of bad people run to in life. now i am not saying, that it doesn't hurt to get rejected. i would be a liar for saying that. but we can control how deep we let it hurt us to some degree.

i know for me, shyness has been a blessing a curse at the same time, at times. it's just something i deal with daily. i really don't want it to go away. it makes me humble. one thing that throws my shyness into high gear is my speech problem. i took speech therapy, on and off for 8 years of school. started in the 3rd grade, and the last time i have had speech therapy was my junior year of highschool. being out of school now for 4 years, i can say my speech issues are barely noticable, but you can still notice them. pretty bad when you have a hard time saying your own last name at times. but i know one thing that helps me out is to joke about it, and then my shyness goes down a little. like, when i am talking to someone about something, and i get stuck on a word, i just stop and relax, make a joke about it, we both laugh a little, and the mood gets lighter, and then i go back to what i saying.

plus it helpes when you step outside of yourself with the shyness, make some new friends, and then that helps to continue it. just remember when people don't respond the way you had hoped, it is not a big deal. one thing that may help is to not have any expectations from people. like, expecting people to always like you, or something. we're always going to have someone out there that doesn't like us for no good reason. it's the world we live in. just be yourself, and live life. the ones that accept you for who you really are, let that be therapy for your shyness, and when others reject you, try not to let the hurt go too deep. God Bless you! <><

 

[rockwell]

My dad asked me the other day in a serious kinda chat - Why are you so arrogant some times? I saw you at church the other evening and your expression said it all!!! Dont wanna be here, no-one is good enough for me and i wish these people werent here right now... and he kept going on about.."when you like someone you are so outgoing and so friendly, but sometimes... blah blah blah"

I was stunned!!! I did not what to say so i just had to spit it out!
Dad, you probably dont know this but i am kind of shy, I have never had a great self-esteem and i normally wonder what are people thinking about me so im now not working on my self-esteem anymore but on my GOD-esteem.

anyhow... We are on the same boat Saxman!!!

How can a shy guy like me make more friends and find a nice, warmhearted girlfriend?

Improve your God-esteem, find out your real value in Christ and change your attitude. If you can but the book "Overcoming negative self-image" by Neil anderson.

Let God take care of your shyness, do as much as you can on your own and leave the rest to God, and remember that 99.95% of the time when you think to yourself "i wonder what she/he is thinking of me" the other person is thinking the exact same thing "i wonder what saxman is thinking of me"
The 0.05% are your family and close friends and maybe your pastor

 

[gizmo03]

I can be a very shy person too.. And it aggravates me, I always wonder if I would not of been so shy, things would of turned out better in some situations.. But many people think I am shy only because I am not comfortable with my surroundings and feel uneasy and it's not that.. I am just not a good conversation starter, even tho I was told once in starting conversations to think FORM- F-FAMILY,-0-OCCUPATION,R-RECREATION, M-MONEY. But that doesn't always apply. I am just always afraid of bringing up something to talk about that's just stupid and not worth talking about. lol.

 

[Caprice]

I am just always afraid of bringing up something to talk about that's just stupid and not worth talking about. lol.

You already know that I think you worry too much about such thigns friend. (((HUG)))