Should the cheating spouse be forced to choose?

[momofone]

My husband has told me that he wants to come back. It has not been long since I asked him to move out. I've told him that before I will allow him back, he must stop seeing, or even speaking to the woman he had an affair with. He insists that it's unfair of me to ask that of him because we were all friends in high school, and he doesn't want to lose that friendship. He insists that he can resist temptation, but I just cannot believe him, because he has not been able to resist temptation so far.

Am I right in telling him that if he wants to remain married that he absolutely cannot ever have anything to do with her again?

Blessings and love,
Shell

 

[Canuk]

Very fair to ask him to cut all ties to her....even if he isn't doing this on purpose, by not cutting ties he is leaving the door open to it happening again.

 

[bliz]

Sounds reasonable to me.

 

[hope4today]

Sounds reasonable to me.

Absolutely. It is not just reasonable, it is absolutely necessary. I will go further to say that if he was truly repentant and aware of the reality of what he had done, he would have a much humbler attitude. He would be doing whatever you needed to feel secure and build trust again and indeed he must.
It is not at all reasonable or acceptable for him to have ANY contact whatsoever with the woman he had an affair with.
Even completely secular counsellors would say the same thing, to the point of changing empolyers if necessary. It is not realistic and will not work. If he is serious about your marriage and covenant, this will not be a question for him.
I will pray for you, this is a very difficult time for you with many conflicting emotions.

Bless you

 

[Romanseight2005]

He needs to not only cut all ties with her, but he also needs to be willing to make whatever changes are neccessary to keep from doing this again with someone else. That likely means getting help.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Absolutely. It is not just reasonable, it is absolutely necessary. I will go further to say that if he was truly repentant and aware of the reality of what he had done, he would have a much humbler attitude. He would be doing whatever you needed to feel secure and build trust again and indeed he must.
It is not at all reasonable or acceptable for him to have ANY contact whatsoever with the woman he had an affair with.
Even completely secular counsellors would say the same thing, to the point of changing empolyers if necessary. It is not realistic and will not work. If he is serious about your marriage and covenant, this will not be a question for him.
I will pray for you, this is a very difficult time for you with many conflicting emotions.

Bless you

Exactly what she said except I would add !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I agree with Hope4today too!!! this is a situation that needs to be prevented from happening and and if he's truly repentant then he's got to change the old ways.

 

[TealTuesday]

I would. You are in the right.

 

[Lilygirl3]

Read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. You can get is cheap used on line. It really helped me.

 

[MikeK]

You are being more than reasonable.

 

[catlover]

He insists that it's unfair of me to ask that of him because we were all friends in high school, and he doesn't want to lose that friendship. He insists that he can resist temptation, but I just cannot believe him, because he has not been able to resist temptation so far.

Am I right in telling him that if he wants to remain married that he absolutely cannot ever have anything to do with her again?

Blessings and love,
Shell

He could not resist temptation before but he can now.

 

[Romanseight2005]

He could not resist temptation before but he can now.

To add to this, I will emphatically add, YES! It is absolutely right to demand that he not see her again. He is either completely in denial, or deliberately deceiving you, if he thinks he can be friends with her, period, but to think that even if he could just be friends with her, that it wouldn't harm your marriage after what has happened, or that he has given you any reason to trust him. Forgiveness is one thing, but trust is an entirely separate matter. It must be earned back. It is not automatic, especially after a betrayal.Marriage is really quite fragile, and if only one person is working at it, it can not grow. What doesn't grow, doesn't merely stagnate, it dies. However, God is a God of the impossible, and prayer is your biggest, and best weapon.

 

[FLANDIDLYANDERS]

I would say he is decieving you... but make yer own choice. What does yer guts say, yer intuition?

 

[APaladinsHeart]

The question is this...does he want to be reconciled, or does he "want his cake, and eat it too".

We cannot be a slave to two masters, we will forsake one for the other.

I know this is speaking of choosing between the world and Christ, but I believe it fits here too. He can't have both of you. He will have to choose one or the other. I think your are quite justified in making him choose now.

Be strong, and stand tall.
J

 

[Autumnleaf]

No.

You are his wife and you should follow his lead. You giving him ultimatums is not in the curriculum, as far as the Bible goes.

If you have to leave him then go. If you have to seduce him or scare her off do it. Just don't go trying to 'wear the pants' in the relationship or things won't work out right.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

What about your feelings? Is he completely blind to the fact that he hurt you with this woman and if you were to see them together laughing or something that it would hurt all over again? If he wants to make it up to you he should be thinkning about YOU. He didn't take vows for her and to marry is to cleave to one person... he has no ties that can't be broken with this woman.

 

[catlover]

No.

You are his wife and you should follow his lead. You giving him ultimatums is not in the curriculum, as far as the Bible goes. .

Wrong, his "lead" is total dishonesty. My husband doesn't "lead" me, that is what one does with an animal.

If you have to leave him then go. If you have to seduce him or scare her off do it. Just don't go trying to 'wear the pants' in the relationship or things won't work out right.

\She can wear whatever she da@#m well pleases. This guy is a dirt bag who can't keep it in his pants.

 

[Monaleezza]

It's unfortunate but true that as women we have to submit to our men. And this includes following his leadership.
But husbands have to allow ourselves to be led by the Lord.

The Lord would not have us follow a man whose desire is for himself and not for the will of God. This is why we as women have to choose men who are able to lead their families in paths of righteousness.
What woman would have a problem following such a leader?

The trouble here is this husband is leading his wife up the garden path! How can he want to maintain a "friendship" with a woman he has commited adultery with? The Lord is certainly not leading him in this direction. And it is his own weakness and selfishness that is allowing him to insist of such a measure.

He is showing no signs of remorse, love for his wife, willingness to reconcile and repair his marriage. Instead he his showing that he wants to protect this other woman and not hurt her feelings (and possibly his own) by cutting her out of his life.

It's selfish! And certainly not of God. Please don't follow such ungodly counsel and leadership.

 

[Autumnleaf]

It's unfortunate but true that as women we have to submit to our men. And this includes following his leadership.
But husbands have to allow ourselves to be led by the Lord.

The Lord would not have us follow a man whose desire is for himself and not for the will of God. This is why we as women have to choose men who are able to lead their families in paths of righteousness.
What woman would have a problem following such a leader?

The trouble here is this husband is leading his wife up the garden path! How can he want to maintain a "friendship" with a woman he has commited adultery with? The Lord is certainly not leading him in this direction. And it is his own weakness and selfishness that is allowing him to insist of such a measure.

He is showing no signs of remorse, love for his wife, willingness to reconcile and repair his marriage. Instead he his showing that he wants to protect this other woman and not hurt her feelings (and possibly his own) by cutting her out of his life.

It's selfish! And certainly not of God. Please don't follow such ungodly counsel and leadership.

Where in the Bible does it ever suggest a wife should leave her husband for any reason? What you say makes sense according to the American politically correct point of view. Is it correct according to God's word on the subject?

 

[dayknee]

Where in the Bible does it ever suggest a wife should leave her husband for any reason? What you say makes sense according to the American politically correct point of view. Is it correct according to God's word on the subject?

Well truthfully, your right..it doesnt "suggest"..but based on the grounds of marital unfaithfulness she CAN! What your suggesting is that she has no rights in this situation by offering her husband an ultimatum..You seem to be saying, and correct me if im wrong, is that for her to issue an ultimatum it would imply that she is being the authoritative figure in the marriage? He is not being the leader of the home as God would have him be..Its one thing to submit to her husband as head of the house as long as he is inline with Gods will..When such a person isnt inline with Gods will, the wife doesnt have to submit to his leadership that is causing sin in the marriage..
Im pretty appauled by your statement of her seducing him if she has to to keep him..again..correct me if Im missunderstanding what your saying..
If the husband is not taking the Godly leadership role in the marriage then she has to wear the pants and stand up against the sin in his life and to NOT be apart of it..
submitting goes both ways..and for me, I would not and never will submit to my husband unless he was inline with Gods will..I will never be foreced to submit to him knowing what he's doing is unbiblical and sinful..that would make me an enabaler to his sin..and I wouldnt do that for anyone..not even my own children