Should I try to be more understanding?

[Vicissa]

I put this in women's discussion but would also like some responses from guys as well so I decided to post it here as well.

Okay. Here is my situation.

My hubby hurt his back. He is in bad pain...he spent the whole day in bed yesterday. He was maybe awake for a total of 4 hours. And I sympathize, I truly do.

But the kids were playing yesterday, and went to arguing. Well I called them into the room I was in (which happened to be the room he was in too) and was trying to figure out what the cause of this argument was. Well, all of a sudden he sits up and just starts yelling at the top of his lungs at them, cursing and all sorts of stuff. They are in tears. Than he rips into me for not watching them good enough (they are 10, 7, 6 and were playing in their bedroom) and why wasn't I making dinner for them at this time instead of sitting my butt in front of the computer. I basically tell him to shut his mouth, and to not talk to me like that, or the kids like that, I frankly don't give a youknowwhat if he's in pain or not he needs to act like an adult. He didn't say anything to that, and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night.

He hasn't apologized to me or the kids, and I honestly am considering not talking to him until he does. Am I being too harsh?? I mean, I do know he's in a lot of pain, he could barely get himself dressed...but geeeezzzz....

He's pretty crude talking in general and I have spoken to him about this numerous times, but this is worse than normal, I'm sure brought on by the pain but it's not like he doesn't blow off at the mouth when he's not in pain.
Any ideas?
Really hard to submit and respect your husband when he's acting like a complete jerk.

 

[fuzzymel]

He cant expect you to be wonder woman. You both said things you should have so once you are both calm sit down and talk about why you were so upset. He probably couldnt see the stress you have been under because he cannot see past his own pain.

 

[firestar]

I responded in WD- basically if this is a one off thing because of his injury cut him some slack. If he's usually like this and is using the pain as an excuse then talk to him about it.

 

[clycleader]

I know when my husband is injured or sick he's a bit of a different person. Sometimes upset easily and sometimes needing comfort. I sympathsize w/ him being sick, but that does not excuse cursing or yelling at you or the kids. They were just being kids. And you need and deserve soem free time and breaks. I'd be mad too.
Maybe talk with him when you think he's in a good mood and just tell him how you feel. Maybe ask him to at least apologize to the kids and maybe he'll get the "hint" and apologize to you too.
that's my 2 nickles worth.
Good luck.

 

[JAS4Yeshua]

Since you were also looking for a male perspective, I thought I would post here. I'm new here, but I hope my feedback will be helpful to you.

What he did was completely inappropriate. Even in pain, there isn't a reason to snap the way he did. Unfortunately, whether because of the pain, or something else, he did snap. I can understand why you snapped back, as well. Keep in mind, though, that snapping back can only make things worse in some situations. If that happens again, my suggestion would be to walk away until you both are calmer, before talking to him.

For the current situation, I would recommend not giving the silent treatment. That will only drive a wedge between you both. Communication is vital to any marriage. I know when my wife gets mad at me, she gives me the silent treatment as well. The Bible tells us to not let the sun go down on our anger. We need to talk about it and get a resolution.

Go to the Lord in prayer and read the Bible to calm your heart. If you don't know where to read, I'd suggest reading some of the Pslams. Ask the Lord for a filling of His Spirit, which will give you His peace, and then He can speak through you. When you are fully equipped (Eph 5) then go and talk to your husband, in love, and explain what happened. Let the Lord work in your marriage, through the good times, and the bad.

Hope this helps.

 

[BigNorsk]

Charity is the proper way to respond.

If you use his bad behavior as an excuse for you to respond with bad behavior then you are actually agreeing with his bad behavior. I would guess if we asked him he would say that people were being rude and such and finally he blew up due to his back pain. Effectively excusing his behavior by saying that you and the children made him behave the way he did.

Either you would agree with that, in which case the silent treatment would fit just fine.

Or you disagree, and would say that one persons bad behavior is not a reason for nor an excuse that the next person should respond in kind with their own bad behavior.

I don't know your husband, but I know myself, if my wife would give me the silent treatment, the impulse would be to harden my position, whereas, if she was nice to me it would have a tendency to be much more convicting to me that my behavior was wrong. It can all become a big power struggle. I wouldn't suggest going that way.

Instead of holding grudges, retaining sins, and dishing out punishment, I would suggest forgiveness, charity, and tenderness are better choices.

Marv

 

[free4all]

I'm glad you are also asking for a male perspective. My perspective will differ from yours, and I hope it will lead you to look at your issue somewhat differently. I see the issue mainly as one of disrespect.

IMO, you disrespected your husband's need for rest by calling the kids into the room where you and your husband were, rather than getting up from the computer and going into the kids' bedroom. You said yourself your husband was awake for a total of 4 hours that day. Maybe sleep was the only time he could forget the pain.

What was so important on the computer that it was more important than your husband's rest, or too important for you to get up and walk to your kids' bedroom? If my wife had called the kids into the room where I was trying to sleep or rest, and then started a long conversation about who did what, I would have been upset also. Why didn't you just get up and go to the other room to deal with it? Was it too much of an inconvenience for you?

If you had gone into the kids' room to deal with them, this entire event might have been avoided. You owe your husband an apology for not respecting his need for quiet rest.

I'm not excusing his bad language, but we all know how someone in intense pain can be short-tempered. You said yourself he was "in bad pain", in "a lot of pain", "could barely dress himself", and was awake that day "for a total of 4 hours."

I have more comments, which will be direct. I mean no offense. I ask you to choose not to be offended, but rather to try and see the events through a perspective perhaps closer to your husband's perspective.

I basically tell him to shut his mouth

Even with his poor language, your comment was inappropriate and disrespectful, especially in front of the children. A better response would have been to take the children out of the room without saying anything, and deal with them in another room. By your response to your husband, you are teaching your children to disrespect him and authority in general. You can expect your children to repeat your reply back to you someday due to the disrespect you are teaching them now.

You owe your husband another apology for being so disrespectful to him by what you said, especially since it was in front of the children. Since you said it in front of the kids, your apology should be in front of the kids. Otherwise, they will think it's okay to be disrespectful.

I frankly don't give a youknowwhat if he's in pain

It shows. This is another example of disrespect.

He hasn't apologized to me or the kids, and I honestly am considering not talking to him until he does.

If he develops the same attitude, your marriage is over.

What is more important to you, your pride or your marriage?

Really hard to submit and respect your husband when he's acting like a complete jerk.

Especially when you've chosen not to.

Actually, "submit to your husbands" (which I'm interpreting as showing them respect, not being their groveling servant) is a command, not a suggestion. It's also not a conditional command, meaning it doesn't depend on whether you feel he deserves it or not. How would you like it if your husband obeyed the counterpart command of "husbands, love your wives" only when he felt you deserved to be loved? Following your logic, if he didn't feel you deserved to be loved, he wouldn't be obligated to love you. And you would have no right to complain, according to your logic.

Is that the marriage you want, where you give respect only when you feel he deserves it, and he loves you only when he feels you deserve it? With your attitude, your marriage is at least halfway there. If you insist on not showing him respect unless you feel he meets your standard, your marriage is over, and you are now antagonistic roommates.

I've heard some women say they are only obligated to show their husband respect if he loves them, or if he acts respectfully. This is not a biblical attitude, and is, in fact, disobedience.

[bible]ephesians 5:22[/bible]
[bible]ephesians 5:25[/bible]
[bible]ephesians 5:33[/bible]

[bible]colossians 3:18[/bible]
[bible]colossians 3:19[/bible]

These are direct commands, not suggestions, and not conditional commands. And if you want to argue about it, technically the commands were given to the wife first. I would not agree with this logic, but if a husband said he would love his wife only after she showed him respect, he would have more grounds for an argument than the wife who said she would respect her husband only after he loved her or acted respectable. Again, I don't subscribe to that logic. I'm pointing out the fallacy of the argument that the wife is only required to respect her husband after he acts loving or respectable.

The command for you to respect your husband stands alone, without preconditions.

If you want your marriage to begin healing, apologize to your husband for not respecting his need for quiet rest, and then apologize to your husband in front of the kids for telling him to "shut his mouth." And expect no apology from him. My guess is that in his view, your disrespect was the catalyst for the entire event. I'm not saying he was right in how he responded, but in his view, you initiated the event by the way you dealt with the kids and by how you disrepected him. You may not see your actions as disrespect. I'll bet he does.

And cut him some slack for his "bad pain." Is that too much to ask? Have you been in "bad pain" lately, or have you forgotten how it can affect someone's moods?

Do you love your husband enough to start respecting him? Better yet, are you willing to obey God when He says, "respect your husband", without adding "only if I think he deserves it"?

If you humble yourself and apologize to your husband, it will go a long way toward bringing healing from this event. If you want a more satisfying relationship with your husband, try obeying God by respecting your husband, without adding the condition of whether you feel he deserves it or not.

It is a matter of obedience to your Creator, not of whether you feel your husband meets your personal standards.

If you choose obedience instead of choosing to follow your own feelings, I'm confident you will see a noticeable change in your husband eventually. If you continue on with your disrepect, I wouldn't be surprised if you and he divorce someday. Men value respect. If you are not willing to give it, expect him to look for it elsewhere. I'm not saying he's perfect. But the only one you can change now is yourself. I think you will be surprised at how he will respond over time if he feels you respect him.

The choice is yours: obey God and be blessed in your marriage, or ignore His clear commands, by following your own feelings, and suffer the consequences in your marriage.

 

[Utah Knight]

I look at things a bit different than most guys would but i do not feel what he did was right but you must understand how he feels and do your best to respect that if it is something you could have handled alone i would have tried that before calling the kids in the the room where your husband was resting. If that did not work and the father was the only one who could have settled it that is a different story and if it was me i would have expected you to get the children somplace that i could have talked to them but he handled it all wrong

 

[SabrinaFair]

Sounds like your husband needs to see a good chiropractor and get his back sorted out. My hubby has had back problems before, bad enough that he could barely get up to go to the bathroom, and he was in such pain that his face was white in anguish trying to get up.

You need to get him help before it gets worse down the road.

That said, even as much pain as my husband was in, he never lost his temper like your husband did, but then he doesn't have a history of it like your husband either.

It is really important that you guys work on building some new, healthy communication skills. Try the book "Love and Respect", there are a lot of good communication suggestions in that book that might help you both work together in a more understanding and loving way.

 

[J20]

I put this in women's discussion but would also like some responses from guys as well so I decided to post it here as well.

Okay. Here is my situation.

My hubby hurt his back. He is in bad pain...he spent the whole day in bed yesterday. He was maybe awake for a total of 4 hours. And I sympathize, I truly do.

But the kids were playing yesterday, and went to arguing. Well I called them into the room I was in (which happened to be the room he was in too) and was trying to figure out what the cause of this argument was. Well, all of a sudden he sits up and just starts yelling at the top of his lungs at them, cursing and all sorts of stuff. They are in tears. Than he rips into me for not watching them good enough (they are 10, 7, 6 and were playing in their bedroom) and why wasn't I making dinner for them at this time instead of sitting my butt in front of the computer. I basically tell him to shut his mouth, and to not talk to me like that, or the kids like that, I frankly don't give a youknowwhat if he's in pain or not he needs to act like an adult. He didn't say anything to that, and I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night.

He hasn't apologized to me or the kids, and I honestly am considering not talking to him until he does. Am I being too harsh?? I mean, I do know he's in a lot of pain, he could barely get himself dressed...but geeeezzzz....

He's pretty crude talking in general and I have spoken to him about this numerous times, but this is worse than normal, I'm sure brought on by the pain but it's not like he doesn't blow off at the mouth when he's not in pain.
Any ideas?
Really hard to submit and respect your husband when he's acting like a complete jerk.

Your husband was completely out of order in the way that he behaved towards you. However, you could have handled the situation better, but hindsight is a many splendid beast. Try not to respond to anger with anger, it only escalates things it would have probably been better to remove you and the children from the room and then talk to him later about why he reacted so badly. Chances are he would have probably realised he was out of order. The silent treatment, probably just gives him longer to think about how unreasonable, in his perception, you are being.

 

[leytonstones]

To be perfectly honest you really don't seem to appreciate just how much pain your husband is in. I am asuming you have never hurt your back before? I have many times and once when I was 5 months pregnant. I could hardly walk unaided and it is extremely painful. If he is not sleeping and is in constant pain it can be very wearing and tiresome. If he is having problems getting dressed that indicates to me the severity of the pain. The poor man can't know what to do with himself. I certainly hope he feels better very soon and that peace reigns in your home once more.

Blessings

 

[Vicissa]

Thank you all for the responses, I am contemplating on all of them and appreciate your advice...there are a couple that I wanted to respond to as well though.

Charity is the proper way to respond.

If you use his bad behavior as an excuse for you to respond with bad behavior then you are actually agreeing with his bad behavior. I would guess if we asked him he would say that people were being rude and such and finally he blew up due to his back pain. Effectively excusing his behavior by saying that you and the children made him behave the way he did.

Either you would agree with that, in which case the silent treatment would fit just fine.

Or you disagree, and would say that one persons bad behavior is not a reason for nor an excuse that the next person should respond in kind with their own bad behavior.

I don't know your husband, but I know myself, if my wife would give me the silent treatment, the impulse would be to harden my position, whereas, if she was nice to me it would have a tendency to be much more convicting to me that my behavior was wrong. It can all become a big power struggle. I wouldn't suggest going that way.

Instead of holding grudges, retaining sins, and dishing out punishment, I would suggest forgiveness, charity, and tenderness are better choices.

Marv

No, I don't agree (in my heart) that responding with bad behavior is an acceptable response to another's bad behavior...though that *one* part of me feels like I am justified. I know that I need to be more forgiving and realize that responding in anger usually makes a bad situation worse. It's just a matter of getting over 27 years of habit and raising.

I'm glad you are also asking for a male perspective. My perspective will differ from yours, and I hope it will lead you to look at your issue somewhat differently. I see the issue mainly as one of disrespect.

IMO, you disrespected your husband's need for rest by calling the kids into the room where you and your husband were, rather than getting up from the computer and going into the kids' bedroom. You said yourself your husband was awake for a total of 4 hours that day. Maybe sleep was the only time he could forget the pain.

What was so important on the computer that it was more important than your husband's rest, or too important for you to get up and walk to your kids' bedroom? If my wife had called the kids into the room where I was trying to sleep or rest, and then started a long conversation about who did what, I would have been upset also. Why didn't you just get up and go to the other room to deal with it? Was it too much of an inconvenience for you?

Good point, I honestly didn't think of it that way. Yes I should have gotten up and handled it away from him. In my defense, I have a health problem of some sort where I have trouble keeping warm, and it was a cold day. It seriously takes me about 30 minutes to get my extremities warm, and my hands and feet get so cold even from walking around on carpet when it's cold that they throb. So it wasn't really a matter of inconvenience, more a matter of uncomfortability. I should have considered his level of comfortableness too.

If you had gone into the kids' room to deal with them, this entire event might have been avoided. You owe your husband an apology for not respecting his need for quiet rest.

I'm not excusing his bad language, but we all know how someone in intense pain can be short-tempered. You said yourself he was "in bad pain", in "a lot of pain", "could barely dress himself", and was awake that day "for a total of 4 hours."

Again true. We all can be short-tempered when in pain. But if you noticed I said that it isn't like it only happens when he's in pain...he can be like that at other times too, when stressed and so on and so forth. Am I expected to walk around on egg shells and make my kids stop being kids because he's hot-tempered?? Bad language is one thing, maybe I should have been more specific. Our children are 10, 7, 6. It wasn't like he just said, "Quiet your bleeping bleeps down!" No, he went into a rant. Screaming at the top of his lungs, scaring them and cursing them out for being bleeping brats. Bad language is a common thing with him, even though I don't like it, that wasn't my complaint.

I have more comments, which will be direct. I mean no offense. I ask you to choose not to be offended, but rather to try and see the events through a perspective perhaps closer to your husband's perspective.


Even with his poor language, your comment was inappropriate and disrespectful, especially in front of the children. A better response would have been to take the children out of the room without saying anything, and deal with them in another room. By your response to your husband, you are teaching your children to disrespect him and authority in general. You can expect your children to repeat your reply back to you someday due to the disrespect you are teaching them now.

I didn't say that this time, that is what I usually say after telling him, "Calm down, don't yell." and saying his name a couple times.

You owe your husband another apology for being so disrespectful to him by what you said, especially since it was in front of the children. Since you said it in front of the kids, your apology should be in front of the kids. Otherwise, they will think it's okay to be disrespectful.


It shows. This is another example of disrespect.


If he develops the same attitude, your marriage is over.

What is more important to you, your pride or your marriage?

My marriage, but I also want my girls and my son to know that his behavior isn't something to be tolerated. Likewise, I don't want to give them a bad example of how a wife should be either though. The kids had already ran off crying to their room when I lit into him, so no, I won't apologize in front of them for something they didn't hear.

Especially when you've chosen not to.

Actually, "submit to your husbands" (which I'm interpreting as showing them respect, not being their groveling servant) is a command, not a suggestion. It's also not a conditional command, meaning it doesn't depend on whether you feel he deserves it or not. How would you like it if your husband obeyed the counterpart command of "husbands, love your wives" only when he felt you deserved to be loved? Following your logic, if he didn't feel you deserved to be loved, he wouldn't be obligated to love you. And you would have no right to complain, according to your logic.

Is that the marriage you want, where you give respect only when you feel he deserves it, and he loves you only when he feels you deserve it? With your attitude, your marriage is at least halfway there. If you insist on not showing him respect unless you feel he meets your standard, your marriage is over, and you are now antagonistic roommates.

I've heard some women say they are only obligated to show their husband respect if he loves them, or if he acts respectfully. This is not a biblical attitude, and is, in fact, disobedience.

[bible]ephesians 5:22[/bible]
[bible]ephesians 5:25[/bible]
[bible]ephesians 5:33[/bible]

[bible]colossians 3:18[/bible]
[bible]colossians 3:19[/bible]

These are direct commands, not suggestions, and not conditional commands. And if you want to argue about it, technically the commands were given to the wife first. I would not agree with this logic, but if a husband said he would love his wife only after she showed him respect, he would have more grounds for an argument than the wife who said she would respect her husband only after he loved her or acted respectable. Again, I don't subscribe to that logic. I'm pointing out the fallacy of the argument that the wife is only required to respect her husband after he acts loving or respectable.

The command for you to respect your husband stands alone, without preconditions.

If you want your marriage to begin healing, apologize to your husband for not respecting his need for quiet rest, and then apologize to your husband in front of the kids for telling him to "shut his mouth." And expect no apology from him. My guess is that in his view, your disrespect was the catalyst for the entire event. I'm not saying he was right in how he responded, but in his view, you initiated the event by the way you dealt with the kids and by how you disrepected him. You may not see your actions as disrespect. I'll bet he does.

Okay, woah. First off I'm not supposed to respond to anger with anger, yet he owes us no apology because our behavior set off his behavior?? That sounds like a double standard to me. And as far as submission goes, yes. I agree. It's nothing that should be conditional. But in the same aspect weren't we instructed to stand up for and defend those who cannot defend themselves?

And cut him some slack for his "bad pain." Is that too much to ask? Have you been in "bad pain" lately, or have you forgotten how it can affect someone's moods?

Do you love your husband enough to start respecting him? Better yet, are you willing to obey God when He says, "respect your husband", without adding "only if I think he deserves it"?

If you humble yourself and apologize to your husband, it will go a long way toward bringing healing from this event. If you want a more satisfying relationship with your husband, try obeying God by respecting your husband, without adding the condition of whether you feel he deserves it or not.

It is a matter of obedience to your Creator, not of whether you feel your husband meets your personal standards.

If you choose obedience instead of choosing to follow your own feelings, I'm confident you will see a noticeable change in your husband eventually. If you continue on with your disrepect, I wouldn't be surprised if you and he divorce someday. Men value respect. If you are not willing to give it, expect him to look for it elsewhere. I'm not saying he's perfect. But the only one you can change now is yourself. I think you will be surprised at how he will respond over time if he feels you respect him.

The choice is yours: obey God and be blessed in your marriage, or ignore His clear commands, by following your own feelings, and suffer the consequences in your marriage

No of course I know what it is like to be in pain, and I know it can make a person short tempered. But like I said, it's not just a pain thing.

To be perfectly honest you really don't seem to appreciate just how much pain your husband is in. I am asuming you have never hurt your back before? I have many times and once when I was 5 months pregnant. I could hardly walk unaided and it is extremely painful. If he is not sleeping and is in constant pain it can be very wearing and tiresome. If he is having problems getting dressed that indicates to me the severity of the pain. The poor man can't know what to do with himself. I certainly hope he feels better very soon and that peace reigns in your home once more.

Blessings

You assume wrong. I have hurt my back before, and had to go through over 3 months of physical therapy to resolve the problem. I do appreciate the pain he was in, and that was why all day I tended to him, giving him pain meds, helping him up and down, putting icy hot on his back, and so on. Our kids were quiet for most of the day and they got a little rowdy at the end of day before dinner. It was dark so it wasn't like I could let them play outside and get that energy bounced out of them there.
Anyway, I'm not making excuses I'm just defending myself. I do understand his pain, and I understand I played a fair share in the mishap that day. I love my hubby more than anything and want to see him happy and healthy, but I just have a hard time dealing with his responses sometimes. I want my kids to see us both respecting and loving each other even when we are angry, so they can know what to model their own marriages after.

 

[BigNorsk]

Thanks for the additional info.

Sounds like it isn't just this back incident is it? How can you help him change? It tough to describe because we don't want you to be the classic abused person who walks on eggshells and then when one cracks it is "your fault" that you get beaten into the emergency room.

The basic answer to your question of how do you get your husband to change is that you don't he can't really change you, you can't really change him.

Now that's a little simplistic because we know if you pulled out a shotgun and said shut up, he probably would, but while he is suddenly doing what you want, you haven't really changed him inside.

That's what God does, change us inside. And that's where you turn for help. In the meantime, about all you can do is be a good Christian wife. You don't need to take abuse, but you don't return bad for bad either.

Let's take some examples. Let's say that what just happened happened, but let's say he hurt his back at work.

You could say, I'm sorry you hurt so, I appreciate how hard you work and you remember when I hurt my back. I really understand how painful and frustrating this is, and I wan't you to know that I want to help as much as I can. The children though really don't understand what's going on, they've never been hurting like you are, and they are scared. Scared because they see their father hurt so, and scared because it seems like they now need to fear you. Did you want to talk to them about it, or would you prefer if I tried?

At that point, you just stop, give him a smile to show you aren't punishing him and love him, and wait. Chances are if he isn't too far gone, that he is going to be feeling very guilty very fast. See you don't give him the pity party that giving him the silent treatment does, you don't set yourself up as boss telling him to get in there and apologize to his kids, and you don't focus on yourself either and that you are owed an apology too.

Doing so really doesn't leave a guy many places to go and hide from himself. Like giving him the silent treatment or other punishment would.

Try it. Though it is more difficult with more time separating the incident and the reconciling. But talk to him and focus on how it scares the kids and how he certainly doesn't want his children to fear him, and how you understand how miserable he was because you've been there, and indeed you can tell him what you told us. That you weren't focusing on him right then and you were doing your warm up so you could get around without freezing and you are sorry that he and the children sometimes don't get attention right away due to that.

Marv