Should I stay in this relationship?

[abigailmb]

Ill try to keep this short, but a lot of information is vital to true understanding.

I've dated my boyfriend for 5 years now. We have an incredible relationship- we have great chemistry and truly have found a deeper love than I believe many people ever will. We love each other unconditionally and have stuck with each other through a lot of hardships. He is genuinely loving and caring towards me and would sacrifice anything if I needed it. I can definitely see us having a happy marriage forever.

The problem? He isn't a Christian. I know he will never join me in my walk with Christ, or lead a Christian home with me, as a Christian husband is obligated to do. I've noticed certain qualities (caring for people other than me, showing affection to me, being peaceful, understanding my religion-based choices) that he lacks. I'm certainly not a great Christian (I was much stronger as a child/teenager) but I would like to rekindle my relationship with the Lord. He would never stop me form practicing my religion, but he won't help me grow in it either.

I have a fear of being alone- if I give him up, I may never marry and be happy. I've tried to leave before, but I can never keep myself from taking him back a couple months later. He is my whole life and it's hard to imagine daily life without him.

Ultimately the struggle is two-fold. Obviously: do I give up the man I have (and possibly never find a love as strong) or stay with him and keep my marriage and religion somewhat separated? Secondly, if it is right to let him go, how can I cope with this stress and move on with life?

Prayers and answers are both appreciated. Blessings! -abigailmb

 

[JojotheBeloved]

I notice no one has posted a reply to your query yet. I myself really don't know how to reply either and hesitated to say anything. But I know how alone someone can feel when they try to reach out and no one seems to hear or respond. So I'm letting you know that you are heard and you are not alone. But I don't have an answer for you. I could quote texts and statistics out of context, but that ultimately doesn't matter because it disregards individual factors. I also feel I would be disrespecting your intelligence because those points of data are readily accessible if you want to find them. This decision is really up to you. You have to decide what your priorities are. You have to decide what you can and cannot live with, and stick to for the rest of your life. You are faced with a difficult choice and no one can choose for you. I would hope for you that you would endure in your relationship with Jesus, whatever other decisions you make in your life. In my life Christ is so important, I can't imagine ever losing connection with Him, more so than anyone else. But I dread being faced with the kind of choice you are faced with, because I know human connection is very important too. All I can say is, I hear you, I feel for you, and I am praying for you. May God give you wisdom, healing if necessary, and love beyond compare.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Wish I could help you find the right decision....I'm sorry you're struggling.

Like Jojothebeloved, the best I can say is to figure out what your priorities are. I know some believe that it's unbiblical to be wed to a non-believer. Being a non-believer myself, I can't really speak on how scripture should be interpreted. But I do think it's most important to be able to grow spiritually on your own. It will be stronger than if you rely on somebody else to constantly guide you. I don't mean without a church, or family, or friends....but that it must be your decision, and you must take active steps to accomplish what you want spiritually. I also don't think that just because he's a non-believer, that he can't help you grow and support you. Have you talked to him about any of this?

 

[High Fidelity]

Honestly, as hard as it is, I think it's best to walk away.

Faith should be the cornerstone of every marriage and even your relationship as a Christian. You will either struggle or not not able to grow spiritually with him and, as you said, you won't be able to have a Christian home and raise Christian children with him in his place as head of the household.

It's ridiculously tough to walk away from something like that and I can't begin to understand exactly how difficult it would be, but it comes down to priorities; Your faith or him. By remaining together you compromise your faith.

 

[dayhiker]

I agree with the other comments that its not an easy thing to do to walk way. It is an unknown as to what will happen but if you feel that you should marry a Christian man, then let that few go believe that God will work your future out. Usually it does work out.

So I'm always for talking and communication. So collect all your thoughts about his not having a relationship with God. Include how it will limit your spiritual growth and what you want for your children. Might also be a good time to talk about those limitation you see in his own love for people. I'd give him a chance to respond. Also pray that God will use the talk to convict him maybe he will turn to Jesus at that time.

 

[Horsegirl]

When two people who have a desire for God and pursue Him together, they are both able to grow in their salvation. They are free to be who God wants them to be. I won't dare say what you should or shouldn't do, but I'll give you some reasons why I, myself, have chosen to seek only a man after God's heart:

• I can grow in my salvation by being free to learn with my husband at my side, guiding me, encouraging me, lifting me up, praying for me, reminding me when I'm not walking with the Lord
• I won't feel lonely in my faith
• I want someone who has the same passion for Christ so that we can both get excited about the Word, understand the challenges that comes with being a Christian
• I want to go to church with my husband and hold his hand during the opening praise songs
• I want us to pray over our meals together
• When I'm facing a really hard time, I want him to remind me that God loves me
• I want him to lead our children the way a Christian man should
• I want him to teach our children how to pray and how much God loves them

Those are just several, lol. Whenever I was previously married to an atheist I felt so alone. I took our kids to church by myself. If he did come, he did it just to please me but he would never share the joy I felt. He couldn't understand my love for God and sometimes would "tease" me about my faith. It stunted my growth greatly. I felt very alone in that marriage. God gives us guidance like "do not be unequally yoked" for a reason- not to hurt us, but to save us from the hurt it will lead to. I will never ever enter into that type of relationship again because my relationship with God is too precious not to share with a man I want to marry.

I pray for God to guide you and that you will remember He is always there for you when you need Him.

 

[JohnNess]

I know firsthand how easy it is to prioritize someone else to the extent that even my relationship with God is secondary. I know how wonderful a relationship can be...but I also know how empty it can leave you when you feel you aren't good enough for that person or when things fall apart. For that reason (and also because God is the King and Creator of the Universe and a just and loving Father whereas your boyfriend, for all his good qualities, is but a man), I would say that it is important to choose to make God first in your life.
As to whether or not you should break up, pray and seek counseling. I can only say what the Bible said about being unequally yoked. I can't promise that you'd find love again if you did break up, but I can promise that a deep relationship with God will bring you more peace than any person could.

 

[Velvetyrabbit]

I am in the opposite situation. I am more so agnostic that Christian, but mostly I don't know what I am.
My fiancée was not religious when we met though he was raised religiously. And he's decided he wants to build his fsith and he says he can not marry me if I don't become more faithful. I feel lied to and betrayed. He's been with me for years and now either I believe in God or throw away the years with him and the future we are planning.
I'm telling you this to show you how he might feel. Either he must loose you or pretend to believe things he doesn't believe and it's not right for these to be his only options. It's not a partnership to tell him either believe or I leave.

 

[Dionne005]

I'm shocked you went that many years without marriage and he wasn't Christian. I'm sorry to break it down girl but you wasted 5 years of your life. Piece of advice to every woman, never commit to a man for over 1 year without talking about a ring on it. You should be married by year 2. Especially as Christians and if you're trying to wait for marriage. Why put all that stress on your life like that? Id been done with the relationship or would be talking to more than one person if me and my guy wasn't talking about marriage by then.

 

[helloIamJMA]

The girl I was courting with for 3 years almost, left me yesterday. I became abusive and a sad lost alchy. She left me to better herself she says and that she hopes we can be strengthened by this. I feel doubts in my stomach as the reason this is happening, but I do feel that it can either truly complete us or completely break us.

That's a job both me and her need to work on.
Anyways, to my point. She wasn't sure if God existed. She is 19 and I am 22 now to this day. We Have a baby together, so you can see a lot of mistakes were made from this. She thinks God will strengthen us as she is departing into a Church crowd I use to know. Her old friends as well. I had so much control over her that I got the point where she was my puppy and I could take my problems out on her. She was the only one that was still in my life, but now I feel that she is gone I won't ever see her again, even though I hope.

She did this for her, she says. I am glad, even though I am the only one that she can stand up too. Even as I type this, I think shes off having an affair, but at the same time I hope it's not true.

This is your choice!
You get to choose how you proceed from this point, and if that's along side of God's Will or your own personal desires then you will choose to follow one.

God Bless you.

 

[Hmarie30]

Ill try to keep this short, but a lot of information is vital to true understanding.

I've dated my boyfriend for 5 years now. We have an incredible relationship- we have great chemistry and truly have found a deeper love than I believe many people ever will. We love each other unconditionally and have stuck with each other through a lot of hardships. He is genuinely loving and caring towards me and would sacrifice anything if I needed it. I can definitely see us having a happy marriage forever.

The problem? He isn't a Christian. I know he will never join me in my walk with Christ, or lead a Christian home with me, as a Christian husband is obligated to do. I've noticed certain qualities (caring for people other than me, showing affection to me, being peaceful, understanding my religion-based choices) that he lacks. I'm certainly not a great Christian (I was much stronger as a child/teenager) but I would like to rekindle my relationship with the Lord. He would never stop me form practicing my religion, but he won't help me grow in it either.

I have a fear of being alone- if I give him up, I may never marry and be happy. I've tried to leave before, but I can never keep myself from taking him back a couple months later. He is my whole life and it's hard to imagine daily life without him.

Ultimately the struggle is two-fold. Obviously: do I give up the man I have (and possibly never find a love as strong) or stay with him and keep my marriage and religion somewhat separated? Secondly, if it is right to let him go, how can I cope with this stress and move on with life?

Prayers and answers are both appreciated. Blessings! -abigailmb

I think you've answered your question in this line: "He is my whole life." No man should ever become a woman's whole life. Especially if she is a Christian woman who loves the Lord. Jesus is to be our life. There is only room for One on that throne and when we revolve our lives around a man, we are idolizing. We're giving the place Jesus deserves up to an idol: the version of romance we see in our minds. We're actually giving our worship to that person - worship that belongs solely to God.

The Bible speaks of being yoked together like two oxen. When one is not yoked properly, it pulls the other down with it. So it is with us as Christians; when we are dating someone who is at a different level of faith, or does not share our faith, we are not lifting them up (although we would like to think we are). We can't. Only Jesus can do that. In reality the opposite is happening: we are being pulled downward, away from a healthy relationship with the Lord.

Giving this man up doesn't mean you will be alone forever. God did not intend for us to walk alone and He has a perfect plan for you. He also has the right man in mind for you - someone who does love and cherish Him, who is seeking Him just as you are. And a love that's centered on a relationship with Christ is stronger than any love without Jesus. The Bible likens it to a threefold cord. It's hard to give up someone you care deeply for, but if you love them sometimes you have to give them up.

I'm speaking from experience, and to myself as well. I think a lot of us share that fear: if I give up this person, will I be alone forever. Short answer: no. That's a lie that Satan wants you to believe. Don't buy into it. Long answer: It might feel like forever, because gosh it hurts. But God is always present, closer than our breath, so we are never truly alone. And when we begin to focus on Jesus and less on ourselves, we begin to feel the loneliness less and less. We rejoice in His presence and long for that above all else. Our lives are meant for His glory.

Does your relationship with this man glorify the Lord? If not, then as hard as it is, you probably should end it. Because even if you want it to, things won't get better if you marry him. It's nice to be with someone who we're compatible with. It's easy to get hung up on the twitterpated feelings. But God has someone in mind that you can rock this world with for Him. His plans always work out better.

Praying for you, that your heart will mend and that you will keep seeking Him and His wisdom.

 

[Shadraq]

one question, what do you desire most, your boyfriend or Christ?
I urge you to read 2 Corinthians 6:14.

You said you would like to rekindle your relationship with God? I would like to ask if you have a relationship with God atm?
if it seems like what it is, which is your relationship with God or a guy? would it not be more dire for you to be more concerned with your soul?
I believe the person above me said it clearly, seek for the kingdom of God! Christ is worth it!
Ask God for a godly, biblical man and just watch. read Matthew 7:9-11
I think you already know what to do, it's not up to you.
God bless! seek Him! eat the Word!

 

[dgiharris]

My thoughts on this are a bit different.

I feel the real question is: Are you two compatible?

If he respects your faith and his life is such that it does not contradict your faith and if he agrees to allow you to have a Christian household and raise Christian children then I would feel that you could marry him. It might very well turn out that you eventually convert him, and if not, then you still have your Christian household and children and happy life.

I do NOT think that it is prerequisite that Christians marry Christians. I just think its a nice bonus. But I think the real prerequisite is one of compatibility. If you two are compatible and your beliefs and faith are compatible (i.e. I'm Christian but I marry a Catholic or I'm Christian and I marry an Agnostic that is respectful of my faith) then I don't really see the problem.

I had the opposite happen, I met my dream girl, we were awesome together, she was beautiful, smart, funny, and we had great chemistry. But then on the 3rd date I found out she was Jehovah Witness and that is a faith that is NOT compatible with mine, so I ended our brief relationship. But had she been anAgnostic that respected and allowed me my beliefs I would be happily married to her now

 

[bort]

This is simple. Break it off ASAP. It might be easier said than done, but God is clear..We are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. I don't know if you knew that before spending so many years with him, but to marry him would not be in God's will for your life. This is where you need to step up as a believer and deny yourself. I'm sure you all have grown close and the affections are there, but to move forward with Him is not wise.

 

[Goodbook]

I would say dont be unequally yoked and your bf has already been leading you on for longer than is necessary.

If he is you whole life then Im sorry it does not sound like you are prioritizing God here, it just sounds like you want to keep being religious. Jesus is our conerstone and rock hes not someone on the side we see on Sundays. our God is a jealous God.

I just wsnt to say i know lots more unhappy unequally yoked couples who divorced or living together in an unequally yoked marriage and it is hell for them. Im sorry but thst is the truth.

 

[Goodbook]

Also, if you told him the gospel and he refuses to hear it, i dont think he can truly love you as Jesus does. You deserve better, dont sell yourself short sister.