It seems you have a missed a key component in the definition above. Also it seems you have - like so many others so you aren't alone - are taking the list too literally, and leaving out a key aspect of the definition which shows you the key difference between being a putz one day - and being abusive.
Verbal Abuse the way you describe it could be a one time event. That's just called being a putz one day. That isn't verbal abuse.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse is a habitual behavior. Like Alcoholism one drink or a couple of them here and there isn't make you an alcoholic - per the true definition of 'alcoholic'.
According to what you mentioned above? If you have a drink now and again - or even one? Heck lets go even further, and say you got knock down drag out DRUNK one night. Unless you do this regularly? You are just being irresponsible, and not being an 'alcoholic'.
So, when someone tells you that they are verbally or emotionally abusive? The name calling, cut downs, etc - refer to the lists of traits you mentioned - those behaviors are habitual - not an occasional acting like a putz.
These behaviors are used as a tool to keep control of the individual. When you hear some stories of the prisoners of war for example? Their words, phases and habitual behavior of these verbal traits are used as tools to keep these people under control. Sure, in that type of environment physical abuse or torture is also used. Yet, if you look closely? Its the words, threats, and repeated behavior like this that keeps them scared, feeling helpless, lost, etc. Most of the time they use the words, and in prisoner's case? They back them up with torture.
Kidnappings? You will find the individuals that took another person will use these traits to break the person down. No one cares about you anymore - they stopped looking and have gone on with life. I'm all you have now. If you listen carefully to the stories - remember those three girls that were found in Ariel Castro's house this year? In a recent interview the one young lady recalls all types of verbal torture this man used to break down her spirit, make her feel helpless, and his end game was to gain totally control over her personhood. Castro called that 'trust', and would give her more freedom when he could trust her! In other words - once he broke her down enough so he knew she wouldn't run. Yet, that isn't a logical definition of trust is it?
Sadly, unlike you and I most of these people have lost the ability to have empathy and compassion for the other person - or persons. The anxiety levels they have is so off the scale of normal. For example, you will hear many times on how this type of personality MUST keep tabs on their partner. If they don't know where they are at any given time? Their anxiety level rises. If they call, and the person doesn't answer right away? It continues to rise. Instead of dealing with it the way you and I might? They lash out, and start accusing the person of all kinds of strange things. 'You are with your boy/girlfriend that is WHY you didn't answer my call!' Keep in mind it could be a delay of a couple of minutes, before they return the call...and the abusive personality has gone into the realms of no return. "This is why I don't trust you! You never answer the phone when I call! You were with someone! Who were with?" Its like the energizer bunny - they just keep going and going and going. You could have video of what the person was doing, and they will say you didn't answer the call because you were LOOKING at someone...and making plans to cheat instead. they just happen to catch you in the act of 'planning'. We are talking off the charts irrational here.
In a nutshell, we are talking extreme irrational behavior. That is why you read people speak about walking on eggshells. You can't bring them down to earth, and you can't reason with them once they hit that point. Sadly, you never know when its going to happen. There is no pattern to it. If someone lit their fuse one day? It won't the next. So you never know when the attack will start. They also don't do well with compromise, because unless things go their way? Their anxiety levels just can't handle it.
As you can see - it goes way beyond calling your wife a good for nothing just to be a putz. Your missing the pattern of behavior, and the habitual nature of it. I guess they didn't explain it well on the lists you mention.
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