Should I break up?

[Finch09]

Hey. So kinda complex situation I guess. I'm dating a really great guy. We're good friends. I have fun spending time with him. I've had a crush on him for years. We've been dating for 7.5 months now. I know he's a super nice guy, really thoughtful, really selfless. Deffinitely the kind of person I would reccommend a close friend date. Deffinitely the kind of person I would want to marry some day, if I decide to marry. And yes, he's a Christian, goes to the same church as me. So faith-wise things are good.

I guess I don't really know what my problem is. I just get an awful feeling about our relationship all the time for no reason. I know I'm really insecure. I know I have fears about him cheating on me or breaking up with me, even though logically, he's not the type of person who would (I know him really well). I think it's more of an identity crisis thing. I'm not sure who I am or where I'm going. I'm suuuper insecure about my own self and my own life, and having a relationship's a big committment at 17, just coming out of high school. I don't know if I want to get married some day or not...part of me does, and part of me doesn't. I'm taking a year off to work before starting college or university, because I really have no clue what I want to do. I'm not sure if spiritually/emotionally I'm mature enough for a relationship while I'm still trying to figure myself out. I really don't like the relationship, but I really do like him, and I really don't want to break up with him. But then I over-analyze so many situations with him, I'm always worried about our relationship. I feel like I'd be free-er and less stressed without the relationship in my life. A lot of the time when I talk to him, I get a bad feeling about everything about our relationship. But except for inside of me, really, nothing's actually wrong. I know I have a lot of trust issues. I just don't know if I should break up with him or not.

So I guess since I keep feeling so bad about our relationship, I've been asking myself why I'm still hanging onto it. Well for one thing, I really do love who he is as a person. I don't want to just throw that away. I also have lost a lot of close friends, and he's a truly loyal, supportive, good friend in my life. So I don't want to shy away from the good relationships in my life. My parents even like/trust him. Also, when I came to church, I usually just sat by myself or with an older couple who was kind enough to invite me to sit with them. My family isn't Christian, and it was really hard for me, trying to fit in in a place where I didn't really understand the environment and knew no one. But believe me, I looooved Jesus. Like crazy. But it wasn't until we started dating, that I actually found a place in the church where I "fit". No more sitting alone. I could actually be part of a family there. So if we break up, it will be reallyyyy awkward at my church, seeing him and liking him but not being able to be with him. Watching him get another girlfriend. Sitting alone again. Feeling like an outsider.

Overall, I really, truly do like and love him as a person. I do want him in my life. I'm just debating over whether I should end the relationship. I guess I truthfully don't want to, but I don't know why I have such bad feelings about us. I don't know why I get so confused and stressed and mistrustful and I don't even know how to describe it. I don't know how to make those bad feelings go away, if I'm doing something wrong, or if I'm not doing something I should be doing. I'm scared that if I give up on this wonderful guy, I'll just run into the same problems with any other relationship that comes along, since it's really not the person that I'm dating, it's just something inside of me that's the problem. So really, I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just not meant to be with someone, to marry someone. Maybe I should break up with him. Maybe it's God's way of telling me enough is enough. Or maybe I just have issues that I don't know how to work through. Either way, has anyone else ever experienced this? Does anyone have advice? Thanks. Sorry I wrote a novel haha.

 

[tcwoods91]

Hey thanks for posting. My advice is to pray about it and listen to what God says about your relationship. That being said anytime people are in a Godly relationship Satan considers them to be dangerous and will try to separate them. This could be what is happening with the two of you. But we have Jesus Christ. Through Him we are able to stand in truth. My encouragement to you is to seek God first, and this relationship second and see what God does

 

[Luther073082]

Finch have you talked to someone about your insecurities?

To me a lot of this sounds like a product of your insecurities and you are way over analysing the questions of if you want a relationship or not etc etc. If you like the guy and want him in your life then you want the relationship. A relationship is going to take sacrifices of your time. . . Surprise surprise being in a relationship is not all about you, and you will have to sacrifice for it. And if you think you have to sacrifice for a relationship, just wait until you get married.

Listen I'm not hearing any reason to end the relationship. He seems good for you, your family likes him, you like him, he doesn't seem to be untrustworthy or anything and he's a Christian.

I just want to add something. . . if you end this relationship, you can't expect him to stay in your life. He might, but to be perfectly honest it would be best for him to not be in your life and if I where talking to him and he told me that you broke up with him, I would tell him to stop all contact and never see you again. (Hanging out around ex's tends to make the pain of a break-up last a lot longer then ending all contact.)

And another thing you definatly can't expect is for him to wait around for you to make up your mind about him. So if you break up with him, don't be surprised if he goes and dates another girl.

So if you decide to end your relationship you better be sure that you are done with it for good and arn't EVER going to want him back and you are completly cool with him dating and possibly marrying someone else. If you arn't sure of that then it would be foolish for you to break up.

Yes you would be more free without a relationship, so what? I spent a lot of time when I was your age and older without a relationship. I didn't have a long term girlfriend until I met my wife when I was 25. The whole freedom thing, is vastly overrated, it really is. How many people, Christian or not go through life avoiding relationships because they want their freedom? In the end most people want to be with someone because being somewhat constrained and with someone you care about in the end is way better then being totally free and alone. VERY VERY VERY FEW PEOPLE SWEAR OFF RELATIONSHIPS ENTIRELY BECAUSE THEY WANT THEIR FREEDOM. But lots and lots of single people will drop their freedom without 2nd thought for a good relationship with the right person.

And I want you to remember one other thing. You can always break up with him at a later date if you become sure you don't want the relationship. The only time when you can't do that is after you get married. Up until then it can all be ended the minute you decide you don't want it anymore.

Really you seem to care for him and so I'm not sure what is making you want to break up with him? Is it because the novelty has worn off? Relationships arn't always as exciting as they are in the first few months, and people that you are dating don't seem as totally awesome the whole time as they are in the first few months.

 

[emogirl93]

It sounds like you are playing a mind game with yourself. If you dump this guy and he runs after you, you won't have to be insecure anymore. If you dump this guy and he doesn't come back, you have just sped up the inevitable. If you really care about this guy, don't play games. Get over your insecurities and get on with it.

 

[PayShi]

I'm 21 now and at 17 everything is confusing. You are about to graduate and really start your adult life fresh! So, I think a lot of your insecurities may be branching off from the "what ifs." And trust me, those still keep me up at night.
But before you jump the gun here (and you're not or you wouldn't have asked us for advice) pray to God with all your heart to make things clear to you. Also:
Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

So, stop worrying that pretty little head of yours. God will answer your prayers!