Should I be tolerent?

[steve44]

Hi. This is my first post to any type of discussion forum, so please bear with me. I am seeking CHRISTIAN advice for the following situation.

First, I am the Husband/Father of a 'Blended' family. We have been together for 13 years, so most chaos is over. There is a situation that disturbs me on 2 fronts, anger and guilt (on my part). You see, 2 years ago, my step kids (hate that distinction) dad bought my son a cell-phone. I didn't like the idea because we didn't provide, but it wasn't a large threat. The cell phone is owned and paid for by bio-dad. Sometimes, my wife would call home with the phone. I started getting angry that she was using something provided by another man.

My son is off to college and gave the phone to our 13 year old daughter. She uses it sometimes, but now it is stored in my wife's van and my wife is the one I hear on it the most. To say the least, I have let her know how I feel about her using another man's cell phone, but it does not register with her.

To say I have anger feelings for my wife accepting another man's (in my opinion) provision would be correct. I am also feeling guilty because I have never heard of a situation like this and cannot judge my feelings as rational (my wife obviously thinks I am not). I am at the point that I intend not to answer the phone if it is my wife on a cell phone.

Finally, we CAN afford cell phones - we so far have chosen together not to get them.

My question: Am I looney? If you think so, please help me understand. If not, please provide advice on how I can loose my feelings. Thanks alot...steve

 

[armed2010]

so because your wife is using a cell phone that you didnt buy, your getting angry? Thats kinda silly actually. Do you get mad at your wife for eating food not prepared by you, or sitting on a couch that you didnt build, etc?

 

[wonder111]

are you usually jealous? I think there may be underlying issues here that need to be addressed. I can't see why you would feel upset over her using the phone that another man bought. Maybe if it's bothering you that much you could see a counselor and find out what is the root cause of these feelings. It sounds like a control issue, either way I hope you can work it out!

 

[HeatherJay]

Hey Steve, welcome to CF I think your issue is a valid one, but you might want to post your question in the Marriage forum on this board, especially if you're looking for Christian answers from married people. Or could a mod maybe move the thread for you?

Love, Heather

 

[ShetlandRose]

I do understand why you have angry feelings about that cell phone, especially since the "bio-dad"/another man is paying the bill. Your wife is likely merely using the phone because it is convenient and is the only one she has. From the outside looking in--and since you say you CAN afford one--please buy a cell phone and tell her you love her! That will put the matter to rest before it escalates to more arguments and hard feelings.

ShetlandRose

 

[seebs]

I think you're overreacting. Using something someone else gave you isn't a bad thing. I don't see the obvious big deal.

 

[rwl]

Should you be mad, probably not. However I can totally see why you are mad and most likely would get upset put in the same situation.

As for now, use the cell. You're not paying for it.

Also if our family decided together not to get a cell, why are they using a cell? Kind of an oxy moron no?

 

[wildchildcali]

i think your ego is getting the best of you. i think your overreacting. sorry.

 

[Magisterium]

To tell you the truth Steve, I see a deeper problem manifesting itself here.

Marriage and the intimacy that goes along with it have deep and profound effects on our emotions as well as our thought processes. The Christian understanding of marriage is that it is until death does part. In fact, Christ says in Mt 5:31-32 and again in Mt 19:1-9 that divorce is forbidden. However, through tricky translations and modern rhetorical justification, our Lord's words have been twisted to allow this tradgedy to flourish even within the Church.

As Christ said in Mt 19:8 ..."because of the hardness of your hearts, Moses allowed you, but from the beginning, it was not so."

As a result, you find yourself battling the latent difficulties facing all divorcees. In modern time, we as a society, have decided to try to trick ourselves into believing that the emotional and psychological injuries of divorce don't exist. The fact is, they do exist and they don't go away. In your case, I would venture to guess that this rather minor example of interior turmoil is not an isolated case. The knowledge that another man has shared the union of matrimony with your current wife in the past is undoubtedly the source of this seemingly irrational feeling. The natural paternal instinct we have as men which makes us providers for, protectors, and leaders of our families, is naturally offended when such an "intrusion" occurs.

Given the circumstances, I would say that the feelings are not abnormal or even irrational. However, my suggestion to you would be to communicate the depth of your emotional stress to your wife and be sure not to allow her to simply dismiss it as an overreaction. You need to be just as honest with her as you were in your initial post here. Prayer and communication with your wife and family will certainly help to bring peace. There are also some other things you can do which would be outside the scope of this forum I think. If you're interested, you can PM me.

God Bless you.

 

[leinahtan]

Hi Steve,

I would say that you are over-reacting somewhat, but I can't say that I wouldn't have similar feelings.

However, I also feel that if this is such an issue for you (and therefore your family,) then give your son who is at college the cell phone and buy another one for your wife to carry in her van.

And whatever you decide to do, give her a hug and tell her how much you love her the next time you see her after reading all these posts!

 

[Salvatore Gonzales]

Hi. This is my first post to any type of discussion forum, so please bear with me. I am seeking CHRISTIAN advice for the following situation.........

To say I have anger feelings for my wife accepting another man's (in my opinion) provision would be correct. I am also feeling guilty because I have never heard of a situation like this and cannot judge my feelings as rational (my wife obviously thinks I am not). I am at the point that I intend not to answer the phone if it is my wife on a cell phone..........

My question: Am I looney? If you think so, please help me understand. If not, please provide advice on how I can loose my feelings. Thanks alot...steve

This is a joyous first step in seeking the advice of
your Christian Brothers and Sisters. We are not infallible,
but the New Testament stresses the importance of
this connection to our community.


You have some insight into your own emotions on
this. I suspect there's some past baggage that's
intruding here --from *both* of you. Don't harp
on the issue with your wife --please continue
your own self-exploration and reflection first.
This may involve discussions with your pastor or
a counselor (ie, a third party). It also imperative
that you connect with a local group of Christian
BROTHERS that meet regularly face-to-face.


Oh, and you're not looney. I've heard of more
comlicated situations than this, but that's
my job.

Hang in there!

 

[steve44]

Hi.. I do appreciate all the advice. I suspose I can choose to feel any way I want. It can be positive. The only issue left is this: As I see your responses, it seems that it is OK for another man to provide for your wife. The cell phone is paid for and so are the minutes used, every month. Under this scenario, is it also true if another man wants to provide clothes for my wife, I should be OK with that? If another man wants to provide dinners, jewelry, etc for my wife, that should be OK? Does it really matter at all who provides anything for my wife? And what about my kids, should any man be allowed to provide for their needs? This is the type of question I am asking, not about a cell phone. I am angry at my wife because she is accepting another man's provision. Should a wife be allowed to accept provisions from another man? Should I be jealous in being the sole male provider for my home?
OK, this is as much follow up as I can get out. If you can answer these questions, I promise to carry out your advice. Please also, let me know if I am posting appropriately. I don't want to be a bad citizen. thanks...steve

 

[Salvatore Gonzales]

I'm not saying all this is "ok." It is also my understanding
that you are *not* in a "poverty" situation (in which the
community is *expected* to provide for you).

The 'missing the forest for the trees' thing is coming up
and that's why you need someone to help show you
through the forest. These posts aren't going to do
that. That's why I emphasized the real time face to
face connection with someone.

Think about this: if Jesus could have done his
work by writing, he would have set out only with
quill and scroll rather than travel in person around Judea.
Obviously, he put a lot of milage under his sandals!

60% or more of our communication is through non-verbal
communication in person. Body language, other cues.

 

[Mekkala]

Hi. This is my first post to any type of discussion forum, so please bear with me. I am seeking CHRISTIAN advice for the following situation.

First, I am the Husband/Father of a 'Blended' family. We have been together for 13 years, so most chaos is over. There is a situation that disturbs me on 2 fronts, anger and guilt (on my part). You see, 2 years ago, my step kids (hate that distinction) dad bought my son a cell-phone. I didn't like the idea because we didn't provide, but it wasn't a large threat. The cell phone is owned and paid for by bio-dad. Sometimes, my wife would call home with the phone. I started getting angry that she was using something provided by another man.

My son is off to college and gave the phone to our 13 year old daughter. She uses it sometimes, but now it is stored in my wife's van and my wife is the one I hear on it the most. To say the least, I have let her know how I feel about her using another man's cell phone, but it does not register with her.

To say I have anger feelings for my wife accepting another man's (in my opinion) provision would be correct. I am also feeling guilty because I have never heard of a situation like this and cannot judge my feelings as rational (my wife obviously thinks I am not). I am at the point that I intend not to answer the phone if it is my wife on a cell phone.

Finally, we CAN afford cell phones - we so far have chosen together not to get them.

My question: Am I looney? If you think so, please help me understand. If not, please provide advice on how I can loose my feelings. Thanks alot...steve

Why does it matter if another man provided it? I don't understand. What possible difference could that make? It's not as if she's sleeping with him!

 

[HeatherJay]

Steve, I don't think it matters at all how any other man would feel if it were HIS wife using another man's cell phone. The fact is, this is an issue for you and your marriage. Whether or not it seems rational to someone else is irrelevent.

For example, my own husband has a few little quirks. When we were first married, I had some clothes that one of my ex's had given me. It bothered my husband for me to wear them. It wasn't a huge issue and he never came right out and said anything, but I could see 'that' look pass over his face every time I walked in wearing them. Now, many people would say that's irrational behavior...it's just a pair of jeans or a sweater. But for HIM, it was an issue...and it's not unreasonable to ask your wife to make this one consession, if for no other reason than to simply ease your mind.

Aren't we all guilty of slightly irrational behavior when it comes to the people we love? The point is, it's not irrational. If it's truly something that bothers you, then it's something you need to talk to your wife about. Otherwise, even though it's a simple issue to resolve right now (give the phone back to your son and get your wife her own), it could turn into a major issue if you don't address it now.

Good luck with this, and don't feel guilty about your feelings.

Love, Heather

 

[foolsparade]

as a former salesman for T-Mobile I would say that people should have a cell phone. Your wife may be in trouble on the road one day, and it would be nice if she could easily seek help. What this has to do with you being a Christian is down right bizarre. Perhaps you guys could just keep the phone in the car or something. Make sure you have a car charger however.

 

[ShetlandRose]

:o Wow...you're getting a lot of different views here, eh?

I'd say that the root is not that your wife is using a cell phone bought and maintained by another man, but "who" that other man is. If it were your father-in-law all would be well and you could accept it as a kind gift. There are feelings here that originate in relationships. I am not a man, but I wouldn't like the "other guy's" phone either if I were. It's a male thing, it's your territory. God made man the provider-protector and that is a strong instinct. What is good or bad in this situation will depend upon how you handle it (as a Christian husband and father). You don't want it to get out of control and let tempers rise.

I still say getting your wife her own phone would be nice. Women respond to love--we hate dominance.

Just my views.

ShetlandRose

 

[Kerpal]

Get over it. This is the stupidest thing to be upset over.