Short story

[humblegyrl]

I haven't edited this too much. The format probably isn't the way it should be, but I figured I'd share this and see what others might think.​

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Staggering Toward Slaughter​

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I was met by a chorus of greetings as I entered the apartment.

"Yo!"

"SUP?" Someone called from the couch. "Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in forever!"

My lips curled into a weak smile. "Hey!" I replied. "Yeah, just came to check on some stuff." There were a few familiar faces, blowing puffs of smoke into the air while passing around a crystal pipe and a lighter.

"You wanna hit this?" someone asked.
I shook my head. "Naw. Not my thing." I scanned the room for Yunmi, but didn’t see her.

Must be yappin' on the phone again.

As I walked towards my room, I spotted holes in the carpet, cigarette ashes in bowls, and dirty dishes piled on the kitchen counter.

How can they live like such pigs? I better get my half of the security depos…

The train of thought was interrupted as I noticed the door to my room was open.

I stormed in and threw open my closet door, scanning the contents on the shelves and on the hangers. I counted one, two, three shirts missing and four, five pairs of pants... gone. My eyes fell upon a shelf where I kept my valued 400 CD collection. Empty.

Yunmi entered, sunny-faced. I didn't give her a chance to speak.

Irate, I roared, "Do I need to lock everything up? Do you know that some of my clothes and ALL of my CD’s are missing? Can’t your friends be more respectful of other people’s property?"

Yunmi raised her eyebrows and took a few steps back. "Chill!"

"I am NOT going to ‘chill’ OKAY? That’s it. You can take my name off the lease and add Matt’s. Your boy toy lives here and doesn't pay for anything! I’m barely here, and I pay half the rent and bills. I see something seriously wrong with that, don’t you?"

I threw up my hands in disgust.

"Did he get a job? Why are you even with him?"

Silence.

"Well?"

"Um. I was going to tell you this later, but I’m moving out."

"Excuse me? There's 6 months left on the lea-"

She interrupted. "Matt’s mom is going to pay for an apartment at San Valiente." "WHAT!? He lives with us for a year... she didn't thank us, didn't offer to pay for anything, and now she’s moving you guys to a high class apartment complex?"

This isn’t happening. Think happy thoughts.

I raised my hands to my forehead. Think super happy thoughts.

I shook my head.

"You know, I’ve always been there for you. I never expected you to replace me with that jerk and all those fake friends you have."
"Matt loves me and I love him. What makes you think they’re so fake?"

"Can’t you see that they're using you and turning this place into a crack-house? They don’t care about you."
"Why are you talking smack about them? They never did anything to you."

"OH, so I lay down the facts and you call it talking smack? You're a smart girl. You KNOW better."

"Why can’t you just be more social? Is it too much to ask for you to get along with everyone?"

"You know I’ve tried, but I’m not gonna stick around people that belittle me all the time. I’ve seen how they look at me. I know they sit around talking about me when they don’t even know me. I bet you just sit there and laugh."
Yunmi headed for the door.

I mumbled, "Why can’t you guys stay here until the lease is up?"
She sighed and turned around. "His mom doesn’t like this place."

"It might help if you guys cleaned up after yourselves once in awhile." I retorted. "I can't afford the rent on my own. I don’t make very much, so I've been borrowing from dad. I could be going to school full time with the money I spent on that idiot boyfriend of yours."

Yunmi stared at her feet. "I have to tell you something."

I groaned. "What now?" There was a long pause. "Well?" I demanded impatiently.

"Re--rem--member that night we went to Bader’s house because I got into a fight with Matt?"
"Uh. Yeah."

"I’m pregnant." She whispered.

Whoosh.

All my anger subsided.
"You told me that you guys didn’t do anything in the other room." I replied, half accusingly, half sympathetically.

She burst into tears. "I lied. I don’t know what to do, Roxy. I can’t tell Matt it’s not his baby. He’s so happy, and he wants me to have it. If I do, he’d know it’s not his. Bader wants me to marry him."

I nodded in approval. "Bader and I get along pretty well. However, I don’t like the fact that he smokes a lot of pot. His friends aren't winners either."
Tears trickled down her cheeks, onto the floor. I gently patted her arm.
"Does anyone else know?" Yunmi shook her head.

I cringed at the thought of an abortion.

Surely, she would deal with the consequences of her foolish decision. She would deal with this as a responsible person.

She managed to whisper, "It costs three hundred dollars. Matt would rather have the baby, but it’s not his, and I’m not even ready for it. I don’t know what else to do right now. Why don't you kick it with us anymore?"

"Girl, I don’t want to be here if our neighbors call the cops. I don’t need a record. You let them in once and now they're always here. My room is a mess, and my stuff is missing. People get into fights all the time. What if the next time, someone brings a gun? We don’t need that kind of drama. You wouldn't have to worry about this with normal people coming over. See what I mean? "

She managed to smile. "Yeah. Matt’s not that bad of a guy once you get to know him. He just turns into a different person when it isn’t just the two of us."

"That doesn’t strike you as even a tiny bit fake?"

"All guys are like that."

"I disagree. I’ve known plenty of guys that can be civilized and respectful."
"Well, if you're talking about Bader, he puts on a front to impress you. We argue all the time. It’s hard to get along with someone so full of himself."

I scoffed. "And this is comin' from someone admires herself in front of the mirror all day? That aside, please think this through. You've probably already made up your mind, so I’m not going to pressure you into making any decisions. You’re a big girl now."

I glanced at my watch.

"Shoot! I have to go. I promised some friends I'd meet them at the theater." I gave her a quick hug. "Talk later?"

"Sounds great."
I hastily waved goodbye to everyone and made an exit.

Ahhh… Fresh air.

I carried on, meditating on another life that would suffer from cruelty at pleasure's expense.

The End
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[life_boy]

I hope you don't mind me giving a little critique.

This story needs some work. You need to flesh out your characters more, bringing out Yunmi and your 1st person narrator more. Don't tell us what's happening, show us. Instead of simply saying: "I was met by a chorus of greetings as I entered the apartment," bring out what your character feels as she walks into the apartment. It is told from her point of view and she doesn't want those people there (as we come to find out) so fill us in. Description is not pretentious. Feel free to use it. You have some good dialogue between the main characters and an interesting conflict. Do not rush the story, though. Let the story flow out of the characters. What is Yunmi like? Is she in a constant struggle of getting attention from males? Is she confident? Does she like having friends around to prove to herself that she is well liked? You need to bring out your two main characters because as it is now, the reader can sometimes get mixed up and confused, not able to tell them apart. This obviously can hurt a story.

Remember that writing dialogue is as much about picking up what is said as is what is implied. Don't have characters who speak bluntly (unless that character is a very blunt character by nature) because it is rare for people to say what is really on their minds, even close friends. Build those types of things up through what they don't say.

Some things to keep in mind while you are writing. What are you trying to say? Who is your audience?

You're off to a good start. Those are just some things that I thought of as I read "Staggering Toward Slaughter." Good luck.