She says he is just a friend..

[ML8627]

17 years married. Recently my wife has been talking with an old guy friend that she hasn't talked to in close to 15 years. This is affecting me greatly I have tried to talk to her about it and all she did was joke and act like it wasn't a big deal. The part the bothers me most is 98% of their conversations are in the absence of me almost like she is sneaking when she talks to him both texting and phone calls. Should I trust her when she says I have nothing to be worried about? Also, this all started about the same time she had a big jump in her sex drive which she has never really had at all.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Invite him over for dinner (or some other event). It'll let you get to know him and see the two of them together.

 

[faroukfarouk]

17 years married. Recently my wife has been talking with an old guy friend that she hasn't talked to in close to 15 years. This is affecting me greatly I have tried to talk to her about it and all she did was joke and act like it wasn't a big deal. The part the bothers me most is 98% of their conversations are in the absence of me almost like she is sneaking when she talks to him both texting and phone calls. Should I trust her when she says I have nothing to be worried about? Also, this all started about the same time she had a big jump in her sex drive which she has never really had at all.

Has she also started taking some kind of tablet?

 

[HereIStand]

Be concerned. Each case is different, but I know of lady who re-connected with an old high school fling through Facebook. One thing led to another, and she divorced her husband and married her high school fling.

 

[ML8627]

Edit

 

[ML8627]

Has she also started taking some kind of tablet?

Are you asking if she started taking any sort of medication? No she hasn't.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Are you asking if she started taking any sort of medication? No she hasn't.

Because some 'remedies' can act as significant stimulants, anyway. I keep getting various spam emails offering to sell some to me. (I don't buy it.)

 

[ML8627]

Invite him over for dinner (or some other event). It'll let you get to know him and see the two of them together.

He is not geographically close it has been a phone/text/chat relationship.

 

[dysert]

I would be very concerned. I know first-hand how a friendship with the opposite sex can end up ruining a marriage. Even if there's no infidelity, they are forming an emotional bond when they have their secret conversations, and such a bond should only exist between man and wife. I think you should have a serious talk with her about how it bothers you, and insist that she either cut it off or only communicate with him in your presence.

 

[sdmsanjose]

ML
There is no reason that a married woman should be talking to an old boy friend and keeping most of the conversations secret from her husband. I would tell her that she has to choose either you or him and be ready to take actions based on her decision and actions.

 

[Endeavourer]

NO, you should NOT trust her. Your God-given instincts are telling you something is wrong because it is wrong.

It sounds like an emotional affair has started already.

What do you think of this article?

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

It would be wise for you to insist she writes a no-contact letter (which cuts off all communication entirely and does not leave any room open for him to hang around if her marriage doesn't work out) and if he is married, for you to mention your concerns about their heavy texting and calling to his wife.

Then it would be wise for you to stay aware of whether she is continuing to communicate with him underground. His wife should be watching from his side as well.

For her to have been in this extensive of communication with him indicates at least the start of the formation of an addiction to him, which is what affairs are. The wayward spouse becomes so addicted to the other man (or woman) that they throw their family away. This is what you would be wise to be diligent to prevent.

 

[Endeavourer]

I agree with everything DYSERT said in his post. Great info!

I disagree completely with this small part:

or only communicate with him in your presence.

Once an affair (physical or emotional) is starting, it is very important that she not see or speak to him again. It's like an alcoholic taking just one drink - it keeps the addiction alive and even growing.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

The fact you say she does it almost secretly is a BIG red flag. People only try to be careful about such things if they are nervous about someone finding out something. Also just flat out ask her is you could see the conversation she is having. If she says no then you know shes cheating (in one way or another). And don'y buy into the excuse of "I have my right to privacy!" or "If you trust me, you don't need to see it!". Those are excuses to guilt you into leaving the subject alone.

My wife and I have no secrets. She can see anything I do online and she can see mine. Facebook messages, emails, web searches and so on. Even our phones we have access to. Also we don't allow exs in our lives at all. There is ZERO reasons to have an ex in your life. Well not counting of course custody/kids things.

Only thing I will say is odd is the increase for sex WITH you. Usually someone whos cheating has a lowered sex drive with the person they are cheating on. Granted there are always exceptions. You could always snoop more on her or maybe install a hidden camera so lets say your out of the house, you can see if she even calls him or texts him or other things.

I mean you still want to be careful not to rush to conclusions, but there seem to be a few red flags already. Again, just start with the basic "Can I see your chats?".

 

[Dave-W]

Only thing I will say is odd is the increase for sex WITH you. Usually someone whos cheating has a lowered sex drive with the person they are cheating on. Granted there are always exceptions.

No, that is not true. It is more often the case that sex INCREASES when someone is having an affair.

Counter-intuitive to be sure; but has been noted enough to get studied by sociologists. They have uncovered several motivations for that; including trying to cover up the affair, increased overall libido due to the emotional rush from the affair, and a lowering of the stress levels that led up to the affair.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

increased overall libido due to the emotional rush from the affair

Bingo! Women can be very emotionally-driven. If sin didn't "feel" good we wouldn't do it.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

What do you think of this article?

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?

Great article and site.. thx

 

[derelekt]

"Should I trust her when she says I have nothing to worry about?"
Not necessarily but always trust God. He is in control.

I say this because I've seen so many marriages ruined by someone trying to get their purest joy from their spouse. As sad as it sounds, our spouses will always fail us. Sometimes they will do it in small ways, sometimes in massive, painful ways. And equally sad, we can't control them or stop them from doing it.

The dinner suggestion was great. Saw your reply though. I'd friend the guy on social media, call him, whatever. Had a female I worked with that started inspiring some jealousy in my wife. Had her and her husband to lunch, BAM! instantly fixed.

That article was good but I caution against the transparency and making her satisfy your demands. The reason is that when you are hurt and suspicious, anything that CAN be viewed in that light, absolutely WILL be viewed in that light. If you get upset over things that are legitimately innocent, your spouse will view you as unreasonable and any distance that exists between you will likely grow. I've experienced, and witnessed, hurt spouses pushing their partner away in desperation too many times.

If she would agree to it, it is absolutely appropriate to have a friend you both trust have access to her accounts. Your friend can explain things in a manner free of personal hurt and betrayal.

Don't know you but I love you and you have my prayers. Just my two cents.

 

[Observer]

People need freedom and some degree of privacy with certain things or they will feel like caged animals in their marriages. Women should be allowed to have male friends without any monitoring, this is 2017.

It becomes an issue if they begin sacrificing a lot of time with their spouse to talk with the friend, or they are particularly secretive about talking to them, or obviously if the chatting involves flirting or anything else. Sometimes people like the ego boost of having an opposite sex friend be flirty or compliment them, even if they have no interest in a relationship of any kind.

But maybe she's just chatting to an old friend. Just speak openly about it with her and reiterate that it's actually concerning you and why... that you want her to have friends but you'r feeling uncomfortable about this one and you don't know what can reassure you.

 

[ml8627!]

Hello again,

let me start with my punctuation/grammar is no good sorry.

It has been almost a year now since I asked for help. I asked my wife to stop talking to "the friend" because it seemed like she needed him and that wasn't healthy for our marriage. She said she would stop talking to him.. a month goes by and I pick up her phone to snoop because I still am getting weird vibes. turns out she never stopped talking to him and that is had progressed to sexting and phone sex. we had our first real fight ever in our 18 years of marriage over this, I forgave her but said the trust was gone and she needed to help me trust her again and that she could not speak to him anymore. she said again she would stop talking to him. another month or two goes by of me trying really hard to trust her and respect her privacy and again I started getting weird vibes. I pick up her phone, open the app she uses to talk to him and there is one single message from that day with a response regarding how my wife's day had gone. indicating that she has been deleting the chat history, of course I flip out and start yelling.. Last night we had a long talk about how the "Friend" is not just a friend and that she cannot carry on this toxic relationship that is hurting our marriage. she acknowledged that she has an unhealthy attachment to him but has no interest in hurting our marriage. and again I insist that she stop talking to him, she says that it hurts her to think that she cannot talk to him anymore and if she is not allowed to lie to me anymore that she cannot promise me that she won't have the need/urge to call him and act on it. I asked her to delete his contacts from her phone and she started crying and said she wasn't ready to do that but in time she thinks she could. I told her that I'm here and want to help her through this that if she felt the urge to contact him to let me know immediately so I could help her feel less depressed about the whole thing. she said she will try and has promised to work towards letting him go.

Now I understand that she has feelings for this person and I understand that its going to be hard to let him go but I don't want to push it so hard that she hides it more and continues to lie. How can I help her through this what can I do?

 

[dysert]

Hello again,

let me start with my punctuation/grammar is no good sorry.

It has been almost a year now since I asked for help. I asked my wife to stop talking to "the friend" because it seemed like she needed him and that wasn't healthy for our marriage. She said she would stop talking to him.. a month goes by and I pick up her phone to snoop because I still am getting weird vibes. turns out she never stopped talking to him and that is had progressed to sexting and phone sex. we had our first real fight ever in our 18 years of marriage over this, I forgave her but said the trust was gone and she needed to help me trust her again and that she could not speak to him anymore. she said again she would stop talking to him. another month or two goes by of me trying really hard to trust her and respect her privacy and again I started getting weird vibes. I pick up her phone, open the app she uses to talk to him and there is one single message from that day with a response regarding how my wife's day had gone. indicating that she has been deleting the chat history, of course I flip out and start yelling.. Last night we had a long talk about how the "Friend" is not just a friend and that she cannot carry on this toxic relationship that is hurting our marriage. she acknowledged that she has an unhealthy attachment to him but has no interest in hurting our marriage. and again I insist that she stop talking to him, she says that it hurts her to think that she cannot talk to him anymore and if she is not allowed to lie to me anymore that she cannot promise me that she won't have the need/urge to call him and act on it. I asked her to delete his contacts from her phone and she started crying and said she wasn't ready to do that but in time she thinks she could. I told her that I'm here and want to help her through this that if she felt the urge to contact him to let me know immediately so I could help her feel less depressed about the whole thing. she said she will try and has promised to work towards letting him go.

Now I understand that she has feelings for this person and I understand that its going to be hard to let him go but I don't want to push it so hard that she hides it more and continues to lie. How can I help her through this what can I do?

As I feared in Post #9. I'll give you the same advice now as I did then. She must cut him off 100% or only talk with him in your presence. She's too infatuated with this guy to be trusted. If she can't/won't commit to this plan, I think an ultimatum is in order.