Have you even read the thread? this has never been a physical affair it was/is purely phone and text emotional affair and I'm not going to just bail on a relationship that can be fixed. thanks for the poor advice.
The question wasn't what should I do, it was how can I help her move past this without driving her away more or leaving her feeling like she has to deal with this her self.
I am sorry that you are going through this, I went through essentially the same. In brief, here is my story:
I was married for almost 10 years, she had emotional and eventually physical affairs the entire time (off and on). I found out about the first emotional affair (via text and Facebook) in the first year of marriage, she said it would never happen again and that she would break contact. She did not.
The second time I found out we went to counseling, she said that she would stop, made assurances I could see her phone any time. We closed our individual Facebook accounts. She continued to cheat via a secret Facebook account and texting.
The third time I found out a couple years later - she had become sneakier about hiding her affairs. This time it was a different guy, but the pattern was the same. We went back to counseling and came to what seemed like a good place.
The last time I found out was about a year later. This time it was a full blown physical affair and I left that night. She was unrepentant and the marriage dissolved about 6 months later.
In the end the marriage
can be saved. HOWEVER, she must be committed to make it work, and from the information you have given so far that does not seem like the path she is taking. She does not have to deal with it herself, she needs to commit that if she feels like she is going to slip , she will tell you. If she feels like she is going to text him (or some other man), she needs to tell you. Most importantly, if she fails - she needs to tell you. But, so far it seems like she will not do this - or so the pattern suggests.
As of right now there is no trust, there is no belief she will work it out. I would HIGHLY advise you to make an appointment at a Marriage and Family counselor. Tell her when the appointment is and that you expect her to be there. You need the tools to make this work, and an impartial third party can assist with that. However, if it were me - after having gone through it once - I would leave for a bit. She needs to know how this impacts the marriage and the road she is choosing. You cannot drive someone away that is already in the car and pushing the gas (metaphorically speaking). But you can give them a reason to stop and change their mind and behavior.
I can say that for me it has been so much better to be free of my ex and with a wonderful new woman. The constant fear of her cheating is gone. The constant hanging over my mind of who she is texting, where she is going, etc. is gone. My new wife is nothing like the old. She tells me everything, and I her. I trust her.
