Sharing with christian friends

[Grasshopper2000]

Hello,

Our church housegroup have just finished studying The Purpose Driven Life. One thing that I picked up from it was a section saying about confiding in a Christian friend so that you can share your troubles and help each other through the good and bad times.

I have a huge problem with my relationship with my husband at the moment, which is all linked to being abused throughout my childhood and raped as a teenager. I only told my husband about it a few months ago and I spoke to a councellor.

I find this impossible to talk about, but I could really do with talking to a Christian friend about this for some advise and help. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk to someone who I know quite well from our housegroup? I am really worried that it will ruin our friendship or that I would be asking too much of her or telling her too much detail about my realtionship that should be between me and my husband.

 

[heron]

Most people would be happy to spend time helping you deal with it. If they are not comfortable, they will quickly say, "I think you should talk with a counselor." And maybe you should.

But I would be careful about asking someone randomly, or sharing in the whole group. Find someone that you really trust, or someone who has been through similar things before, and ask them how they got through it.

There is a risk that people will categorize you, and associate what they heard others say as though you had said it. Some might feel uncomfortable jumping into conversations with you, take sides, incriminate you, or spread misinformation.

Even if they are good Christians, vowed confidentiality, and seemed to be loving.

Cherish your life information as though it is a gem to be guarded.
Did you know there's a good recovery forum here... all sorts of topics, and good moderation to keep out critics.

The beauty of a paid counselor, is that they will never allow the information to change your social reputation. Some people counsel with their pastors too, but pastors are so busy these days.

After all that, I would say definitely yes the close friend would be a good person to talk with. She knows the flaws and strengths of your husband. She could pray with you, and you could run to her in a crisis.

But just remember -- most people can only keep a secret if they are allowed to vent to one, just one person. That one person will think the same thing.

 

[achristiantech]

Hello,

Our church housegroup have just finished studying The Purpose Driven Life. One thing that I picked up from it was a section saying about confiding in a Christian friend so that you can share your troubles and help each other through the good and bad times.

I have a huge problem with my relationship with my husband at the moment, which is all linked to being abused throughout my childhood and raped as a teenager. I only told my husband about it a few months ago and I spoke to a councellor.

I find this impossible to talk about, but I could really do with talking to a Christian friend about this for some advise and help. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk to someone who I know quite well from our housegroup? I am really worried that it will ruin our friendship or that I would be asking too much of her or telling her too much detail about my realtionship that should be between me and my husband.

So, how did your husband react to your sharing this past with him? Did the counseling session help? Whether you seek Christian counseling or a Christian in good standing whom you do or may come to trust, I do recommend this person be female as you mention.

I have been in a Small Group for about 5 years and we can pretty much share things amongst each other or in some cases one person in the group (same sex again). One of the guys is my accountibility partner now going on for nearly 10 years. It's really something I recommend, especially for one wanting to walk closely with Jesus. But it does take time to get to this point.

Best regards and our prayers for you are on the way to Heaven.

 

[heron]

Proverbs 27:10
Do not forsake your friend or a friend of your family, and do not go to your relative’s house when disaster strikes you—better a neighbor nearby than a relative far away.

This verse will back up your idea. Imagine if you tried to confide in a family member that didn't acknowledge the original abuse, or who wanted to put the incidents aside -- it would just be more painful than not bringing it up at all.

 

[TheDag]

Hello,

Our church housegroup have just finished studying The Purpose Driven Life. One thing that I picked up from it was a section saying about confiding in a Christian friend so that you can share your troubles and help each other through the good and bad times.

I have a huge problem with my relationship with my husband at the moment, which is all linked to being abused throughout my childhood and raped as a teenager. I only told my husband about it a few months ago and I spoke to a councellor.

I find this impossible to talk about, but I could really do with talking to a Christian friend about this for some advise and help. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk to someone who I know quite well from our housegroup? I am really worried that it will ruin our friendship or that I would be asking too much of her or telling her too much detail about my realtionship that should be between me and my husband.

I personally would normally be happy to help and talk about things but I also recognise that in some situations I just can't help other than being supportive. For that reason I would sugest a christian counsellor who has had training. This is not a simple issue and I would hate to do more damage. Your husband should also sit in on some sessions and possibly some on his own. Sometimes when partners know their spouse has been abused can keep their distance. Sometimes this is nasty motives most of the time it is because they think you might not want to be touched by a man. It may seem silly to you but your husband may be thinking that. So for all these reasons I strongly suggest a qualified christian counsellor.

 

[Grasshopper2000]

Thank you for your replies. It is interesting that your responses are very varried. There is no way I would, or could share with the group, it would be just one person. This person I know relatively well and she has been part of our house group for 5 years or so, but I'm sure she wouldn't class me as a best friend.

I think she would be ok with telling her everything as she was thinking of becoming a councellor, however, I'm guessing there is a risk in telling her everything, and that is a risk that I'm not sure I want to take at the moment.

 

[TheDag]

Thank you for your replies. It is interesting that your responses are very varried. There is no way I would, or could share with the group, it would be just one person. This person I know relatively well and she has been part of our house group for 5 years or so, but I'm sure she wouldn't class me as a best friend.

I think she would be ok with telling her everything as she was thinking of becoming a councellor, however, I'm guessing there is a risk in telling her everything, and that is a risk that I'm not sure I want to take at the moment.

Well certainly before you do talk to her and let her know you would like to be able to confide with her just like mentioned in bible study recently. Ask if she would be interested in doing that. Perhaps give a bit of a hint that it may be something you are hesitant to share but need to talk to someone about. That way she has a good opportunity to say no if she is uncomfortable.

 

[papaJP]

Hello,

Our church housegroup have just finished studying The Purpose Driven Life. One thing that I picked up from it was a section saying about confiding in a Christian friend so that you can share your troubles and help each other through the good and bad times.

I have a huge problem with my relationship with my husband at the moment, which is all linked to being abused throughout my childhood and raped as a teenager. I only told my husband about it a few months ago and I spoke to a councellor.

I find this impossible to talk about, but I could really do with talking to a Christian friend about this for some advise and help. Do you think it would be a good idea to talk to someone who I know quite well from our housegroup? I am really worried that it will ruin our friendship or that I would be asking too much of her or telling her too much detail about my realtionship that should be between me and my husband.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You should talk to someone but be sure they are a deeply devoted and very experienced Christian. If you are in a house group is the leader educated and deeply devout. Does he walk the walk and not do or have anything that he does that is not godly. If so ask him or her. It is best to talk about sexual things with another woman or with another woman present who is a deeply devoted Christianl.

 

[heron]

Most of the Christian books and teachers will tell you similar things, above-- go together to a counselor, go to Christians only, confide in dear friends. But I don't always consider these steps wise in real life, and would suggest you trust your instincts. Since your issue involves your marriage and life, it is not a Christian game with Christian rules.

Scriptures show kings as having many counselors. We see that today where leaders must trust political advisers, and each is trained in a different topic of expertise.

We can't all afford to have a cluster of counselors, "my people" ... but what I think we can gain from scriptures, is taking in a lot of ideas from others, sorting through them wisely, and making your own decisions.

In your case it might not be about decisions, but venting and sorting through feelings, so one person makes sense.

Pr 15:22
Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed.

Pr 11:14
Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.

In your case I don't think falling would be about doing things poorly, but feeling so unsupported that you weaken.

Ps 119:24
Your testimonies also are my delight; They are my counselors.

This verse shows reflection over written or recalled experiences where God intervened. The writer appreciated how scriptures minister to him, and insight pops out as he reads.

Many people find support just by hovering in the forums and reading what others say, then diving in later.

Honestly, the Bible doesn't say much about personal counsel -- most of the situations shown are about leadership.

I think that's because God does not want any mandates and religious attitudes in this area. People need what they need.

Potential counsel nearby is not always trustworthy. A book can't predict how the people around you are going to respond. Wisdom is not gained by always being told what to do, but learning to reflect and weigh available choices.

I have some secular friends who have been through a lot, and are a great resource for certain things. Some have been through rehab, had many friends die, went through recovery from abuse... they know the resources, and they know themselves.

A Christian friend will help you approach the situation in a different light. They might encourage patience and tolerance, pray for you, reminding you of how God turns situations around miraculously; whereas a secular friend might suggest leaving a situation (example). Recognize where each stands, and what you might gain from each.

A friend who knows your husband might have more insight on the situation, but they also might defend him, and insist that you bend more -- just because they like him as a person. Weigh this in how much you say to them.

You can even get a little help from your doctor/NP/OB-GYN, but they might make notes in your records.

I would guess that if you go too long feeling like you need to talk to someone (besides the counselor you already spoke with), you will regret not following through with it.

 

[TheDag]

If you are in a house group is the leader educated and deeply devout. Does he walk the walk and not do or have anything that he does that is not godly.

Does such a person exist? I doubt it. Even with the most Godly people I know I can still easily think of things they have done wrong. That is how it is in a fallen world.

 

[heron]

Does such a person exist? I doubt it. Even with the most Godly people I know I can still easily think of things they have done wrong. That is how it is in a fallen world.

But the idea is good. Finding someone trustworthy, caring, sympathetic to the goal of including God...

 

[Grasshopper2000]

I can't go to the housegroup leader as that is my husband!!

I know I finished councelling too early before - I covered things up and said things were fine when they weren't just so I could finish councelling as I was getting fed up going every week. I just wanted to get on with life and hated sitting down every week to talk about thing that I didn't want to talk about, with someone I didn't want to. I know that was stupid.

The councellor I went to a couple of months ago was a Christian, but I think I felt slightly uncomfortable speaking to him about some things as he was male. I can't find any free female Christian counsellors where I live and I can't afford to pay. I could get a free female non Christian counsellor on the NHS, or a free male Christian councellor, non NHS or I could speak to a Christian friend. I'm guessing it's between the non Christian NHS or a friend. I just need to decide which.