Sexual Punishment?

[49erfan]

My sex life is pretty boring. My wife of seven years (she's 29) isn't really interested in sex and basically just lies there during it.

I'm beginning to think that God is punishing me. Even though we have only ever "been" with each other, we didn't wait until we were married. Also, I persuaded her to go to a nude beach on our honeymoon (not the whole week, just one afternoon).

Does anyone think that God does punish in the same areas where we've really screwed up?

 

[sparrow]

Maybe. God does say that sin has consequence.
Have you talked to your wife about this? Have you properly repented of your sexual sin before marriage?

 

[karla]

I would talk to your wife about it. There may be some issues that need to be discussed. Do you have any children? I know that for me, after I had my daughter my interest in sex declined for a quite a few months. I thank God that I have such a patient loving and understanding husband. Try a little romancing, that doesn't have to end up with sex. We love to spend some nights just kissing and cuddling.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Three possible things are happening. It could be one, it could be two, it could be all three.

1. Natural consequences to sin: Sex was less enjoyable having been done already. She may have not felt valued by you.

2. Biological changes in her body: A woman's hormones can change drastically and their sex drive can drop almost entirely. This can be caused by childbrith or birth control. It may be physiological

3. Emotional damage: your wife will not want to have sex with you if you have not connected emotionally. If you have hurt her, she will be numb to you. She probably feels like you are raping her in some ways. If you have caused her emotional damage, you need to do some serious changes and bring some romance back on the scene.

Do you think one or all of these factors may be at work?????????????????

 

[EJO]

OR it might not be you at all. She may be dealing with some past issues with previous boyfriend, or she might have been sexually abused when she was younger.

Like the others have said, share your feelings, do not blame or accuse. Do NOT feel threatened. Let her know that she is loved and cherished. She need to trust you, because you are her only advocate.

OR, maybe you are not pleasing her? Are you there for yourself? Perhaps she needs to have more pleasure. This might be a little more personal, but hey we are all married adn adults- does she [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]? Does she fake? My wife, early on after a while out promised that she would not fake. Some times she just does not feel up to it.
there is a saying- men are like microwaves, we can be ready to go fast, women are like crock pots, they take time to cook, but when they get warmed up- they can be HOT!
Sex does begin in the kitchen... do dinner, do dishes, take the load off her.
Do you have kids? That is a whole other story! She might be dead dog tired!

Well, PM me if you want. My wife and I have been involved in marriage ministry for about 8 1/2 years.

God Bless! EJO

 

[IslandBreeze]

Or, let's just face it: some women are prudes and teases. Forgive me for being so blunt, but there ARE women in this world who like to be chased, but don't like being caught, so to speak. Not that I'm saying your wife is this way, but has she always been this way sexually? She may just enjoy the thrill of the chase...which could indicate some underlying sexual issues. Perhaps seeing a Christian sex therapist, or reading some Christian sexual guides could help...

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Definitely something you guys should talk about.
She may have some messed up attitudes regarding it from what you have said. She may feel some guilt or something else. To me, the goal of sex is to please the other person as much as possible. If I can't do that then I would want to work the problem out. SO talk it out, be very patient. Work to work this out.

As far as punishment goes...we are good at doing things to ourselves. We get ourselves into the mess without every needing divine intervention to make it worse. Generally, God is the one who has to bail us out.
Get tight with God and agree to work this out with your wife.
There's lots of good advice in this thread.

 

[Jenna]

Please don't take this as a rude comment, but boring people get bored. I would advise talking to her and finding out what needs she has that are not being met. If you guys were having plenty of satisfactory sex before, then there is either something bothering her.....or she could be bored too! lol Believe me, when you think that some guy is just going to do his thing and then go to sleep, it really doesn't do much to enthuse a woman or cause her to want to expend much energy for meager amounts of pleasure. I hope that doesn't sound bad, but I know that if the guys were honest, they would say the same things about themselves too. Guys don't want a cold fish in bed, likewise, we women don't want to feel like we're just the guy's receptical.

I don't think that I'd go so far to think that there is something terribly wrong with her, or that she was abused. Instead, it really just sounds like you two need some old fashion communication to find out what each other's needs are, and how to meet them. People change throughout time, and if you aren't always progressing together, then it becomes very easy to find yourselves in the position of neither being happy. Her sexual needs might have changed, just as yours probably have during the course of your marriage.

 

[OracleX]

49erfan I hear what you are saying and understand what you are saying. I am in a very similar boat too. We didn't wait to get married, and we had never slept with anyone else. But the results of sex before marriage have been very hard to live with at times. It didn't take too long after we were married to have sex die out and for my wife to lose intrest.

Do I think that God is punishing us? Yes. Every sin has it consequences that go along with it. God forgives us, no doubt on that, but we still may have consequences to our actions.

See a marriage that was based on sexual relations is not based on God. So the marriage starts off in the wrong corner as it is. Although one may think that it is love, it is truly lust not love. If it was truly love, then it would have waited till marriage. Guilt and shame tend to follow the couple around. They start doubting thier feelings for the other person.

The only way to heal and restore a marriage and marriage bed is to have two people wholey devoted to God.

 

[E-beth]

It sounds to me like there are greater issues there than just sex.

From my perspective, sex begins in the heart and head. For example, if I am tired from doing all the housework and child care myself, then the last thing I feel toward my husband is sexy. What I feel is resentful, crabby, and overworked.

If a husband nags about it over and over and talks of little else, then I just feel like, "I don't want to, but if it will make you stop pressuring me, then get it over with."

Also, a husband has to get his wife physically ready. It takes time for a woman to relax and get in the groove. You have to be willing to make sure she is into it. However, women are usually NOT turned on like men...things like porn and ogling other women on nude beaches would do nothing for me but make me feel fat and flawed and not good enough for my man.

But most of all, be careful in your thought and sight. If you feel your sex life is "punishment" then you may be open for temptation by Satan to stray.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Yeah, the Mind is the greatest sex organ.

 

[DaveKerwin]

49er, what are your thoughts?

 

[49erfan]

I am beginning to think that we just need to have some time to work through this.

We have young child and she stays home. I try to help out as much as possible when I get home. Sometimes that keeps me up later than she.

Sometimes I think that we need to take a short vacation by ourselves. That might give us an opportunity to talk and work through some things without the stress of home life.

 

[DaveKerwin]

What do you think about what I said before about the cause for your situation?

 

[49erfan]

It could be the biological changes in her body. She added weight during pregnancy and maybe she doesn't feel as attractive as she used to.

She is still very attractive to me!

 

[DaveKerwin]

Do you tell her that?

What happens when you discuss this topic with her?

 

[White_Socks]

Post Deleted

 

[49erfan]

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted this.

As you can see from this thread http://www.christianforums.com/t52356
things have gotten better.

 

[charligirl]

Does anyone think that God does punish in the same areas where we've really screwed up?

Absolutely not! I don't believe that God punishes us, we're forgiven.... yes there is consequence to sin, forgiven or not, but that is very different to GOD punishing us. If we do wrong we must bear the consequences in this life that we have brought upon ourselves, but God is about mercy and not punishment.

 

[jenste]

Well I'm not married....but whether or not it solves this issue, you should still repent for what you did in the past and God will forgive you. Ask God to help you find an answer, as you would with any other problem, and if the request is to strengthen your marriage bond then I don't see why God wouldn't help you find an answer to your prayer.