Sexual morality

[dr.p]

Thanks for your post.

My story in a nutshell, I've always believed in God, but I met this girl who showed me how to have a relationship with God.

I fell in love with her immediately. I never knew she was a Christian, but when I found out, I was a little sad that I couldn't have what I wanted from her, for my own selfish reasons of course.

I think God used her to bring me closer to him, because when I found out she didn't want to be with me like I wanted, instead of being upset, like I would have been in any other part of my life, I was hurt, but at the same time, grateful for having her as a friend.

We remain great friends to this day, and it is extremely hard because I have never found someone that makes me feel like she did.

Out of some crazy idea, I believed if I could get control of my sexual immorality, God would bless me with someone that I felt strongly about like her.

I have never met anyone in my life that has made me feel the way she did, and it kind of hurts to know that I ould date girls in the future, and know that there is someone else I would rather be with if given the chance.

I know how you feel, on all counts.

I don't think it's crazy at all to hope that God would bless you with someone you have a lot of love, caring, and desire for. I believe He puts the desire for relationships like that in our hearts... he after all did create man and woman to keep each other company

But I find it very important to make sure that I'm willing to accept life without the fulfillment of those desires, if that's what God has planned... but I can still hope so long as I'm hoping in Him.

I'll keep you in my prayers, and hope in God all goes well for you.

 

[Nymphalidae]

The thing is, if I find a girl I might be remotely interested in, I can get caught up with it, and there goes my wandering eyes, which I believe lead to lustful thoughts, which I believe can lead to a slip in a case like masturbation, which is something I'm trying to go out of my way to stay away from.

I haven't figured out how to control that train of thought, so it feels like the easiest way to nopt be put in that situaion is avoinding it completely.

In a bizarre kind of way, it almost feels like I have this completely distorted view of Love and Sex.

Is my punishment for previous sexual immorality a turbulent struggle with sexual purity with the rest of my days? Does God send me these confused messages as a way to tell me he doesn't want me to be involved with someone?

Maybe my biggest mistake is overanalyzing every little detail about it anytime something comes up!


Thanks for replying all ya'll!

Yes, you are overanalyzing. There is nothing wrong with sex, or masturbation, or thinking naughty thoughts. There is, however, a lot wrong with repression and guilt. What you're doing is pointless and unhealthy. Of course, I'm speaking from a biological point of view, not a religious one. So feel free to continue to try and repress millions of years of evolution and then feel guilty when you can't.

 

[Alecto]

Anyone struggle with their sexual morality?

I made a decision a while ago that I wanted to abstain from sexual immorality until I get married. I am not a virgin so it's not this big deal, but as I get older in life I feel I want to become closer with God.

I discovered what having a relationship with God was when I was 25, and for the last 5 years I've been trying to weed out certain lifestyles and ritualistic sinful behavior so I can be closer to him.

Now it's time to do my best to get my sexual immorality under control. I have never been permiscues but I have slept with previous girlfriends. I have quit masturbating(momentarily) and I am having God on my conscious every time my eyes wander towards a girl.

I'm having a hardtime understanding this, because dating has always been something that I loved doing, but didn't do it a whole lot. I don't like this idea that I can't even have it in my life anymore.

I have faith that God will bless me if I can keep be somewhat sexually pure. But what if I never even marry? I can't imagine going the rest of my life without being intimate with someone with those feelings.

For a lack of better word, it "sucks".

Can anyone out there relate?

holla'

I am perfectly happy with my sexual morality. I only sleep with someone I love and it is consentual sex. I have no guilt about it whatsoever. I think its a vital part of a relationship that can create alot of tension if you dont adress it SOMEhow. I consider sex to be an act of love and trust and not something I handle lightly.

There is nothing wrong with consentual, loving sex. God forbid fornication, which is basically shagging or sex for pleasure. I dont know how old you are, but if you are younger (early teens to early 20's) perhaps your feelings stem from guilt. Regardless of age, sex need not be a sinful act in God's eyes, how do you think he got Jesus where he started?

 

[silkamilkamonico]

Yes, you are overanalyzing. There is nothing wrong with sex, or masturbation, or thinking naughty thoughts.

According to whom? God? Or society?

Remember, a "good person" in society may be far different then a "good person" in God's eyes! Society also teaches someone to cheat on their spouse and get away with it.

 

[Nymphalidae]

According to whom? God? Or society?

Remember, a "good person" in society may be far different then a "good person" in God's eyes! Society also teaches someone to cheat on their spouse and get away with it.

Being comfortable with your body and your sexuality doesn't mean you are without morals. If god is so great, why would he be peeking in your bedroom windows?

 

[Seaside Mists]

Is my punishment for previous sexual immorality a turbulent struggle with sexual purity with the rest of my days? Does God send me these confused messages as a way to tell me he doesn't want me to be involved with someone?

You're laying too much at God's doorstep. I think that what you need to practice more than abstinence is self-accountability. If you're accountable to yourself for your actions, the rest will come

But you need to stop thinking that if you "slip" by doing something that you believe to be sinful, that the motivations for that slip were messages from God.

I guess it's a lot like Lancelot in "Camelot." When he had his affiar, ruining his "pure nature" and his self-percieved connection to God, he thought that God was getting back at him for his too pure and too virtuous nature by sending him Genny and causing him to have an affair. In reality, he just slipped and his inability to take accountability for the slip was ultimately what brought both of them down.

I promise you, God cares more about your ability to be accountable for your actions than he does your chastity.

 

[Seaside Mists]

Society also teaches someone to cheat on their spouse and get away with it.

Where does society teach that? Adultery is not a socially acceptable behavior.

 

[BarbB]

Where does society teach that? Adultery is not a socially acceptable behavior.

It is on soap operas and prime time tv!

 

[Verv]

Silk, I hope this can help you:

You are right that masturbation is an act of lust, and that we should not do it, but for some people asking them to quit all of the sudden is the wrong thing to do. For many people, it is a daily activity and suddenly ending it is very drastic. Furthermore, it is a lot easier said than done as you are finding out.

There are a lot of people who find that they cannot concentrate properly if they do not touch from time to time -- it gets to the point where sex is on their brains, and avoiding sexual thought is next to impossible; it gets to the point where someone is ready to explode at the idea of sex, and everything is pent up.

Masturbation is a form of lust, and is thus a sin, so you are right, we should not do it, and we should strive to be perfect, but one thing I recommend is for you to not beat yourself inside out about it. Do not dwell on it if you lapse and do it, and do not dwell on the feeling of sex. Start with small goals -- delete your pornography. If you are very, very tormented and nothing gets your mind off of it, maybe do it, but I suggest that right now you take up some new hobbies.

Do you run? Do you watch a lot of movies? Do you read? Take a hobbie that you have and start doing it when you get the urge, something that completely enraptures you -- for me, running long distances works well; keeps me healthy and after you run six miles you are too tired to lust over anything (usually), and if it is late or I am too tired to run six miles, I throw in a movie that I have never seen, because quickly the plot of a film can take your mind off of it. Or hey, you can come to the Christian Forums and the likes.

You'll find that if you start having active hobbies that you are always engaging in, you will spend a week withou the urge to touch (it may seem odd, but it has gotten to the point where, though I am 20, there are times where I can spend two weeks without doing it).

I think eventually, you should get married (as all humans should consider, being that VERY few of us are capable of controlling this human urge), and then you won't have to beat yourself up about this. Take it slow and smooth and you'll succeed.

And to address another point: Yes, this is kind of a result of your past. The people I know who are virgins and never really started actively lusting do not hav the struggle like you and I have, and it is a struggle and a burden that I wish I had never placed upon myself, but we brought this with our own choices, and God has forgiven us for our actions because "He who asks shall receive," and now it is simply our job to try to be better people and please God.

Best of luck!

 

[Nymphalidae]

Silk, I hope this can help you:

You are right that masturbation is an act of lust, and that we should not do it, but for some people asking them to quit all of the sudden is the wrong thing to do. For many people, it is a daily activity and suddenly ending it is very drastic. Furthermore, it is a lot easier said than done as you are finding out.

There are a lot of people who find that they cannot concentrate properly if they do not touch from time to time -- it gets to the point where sex is on their brains, and avoiding sexual thought is next to impossible; it gets to the point where someone is ready to explode at the idea of sex, and everything is pent up.

Masturbation is a form of lust, and is thus a sin, so you are right, we should not do it, and we should strive to be perfect, but one thing I recommend is for you to not beat yourself inside out about it. Do not dwell on it if you lapse and do it, and do not dwell on the feeling of sex. Start with small goals -- delete your pornography. If you are very, very tormented and nothing gets your mind off of it, maybe do it, but I suggest that right now you take up some new hobbies.

Do you run? Do you watch a lot of movies? Do you read? Take a hobbie that you have and start doing it when you get the urge, something that completely enraptures you -- for me, running long distances works well; keeps me healthy and after you run six miles you are too tired to lust over anything (usually), and if it is late or I am too tired to run six miles, I throw in a movie that I have never seen, because quickly the plot of a film can take your mind off of it. Or hey, you can come to the Christian Forums and the likes.

You'll find that if you start having active hobbies that you are always engaging in, you will spend a week withou the urge to touch (it may seem odd, but it has gotten to the point where, though I am 20, there are times where I can spend two weeks without doing it).

I think eventually, you should get married (as all humans should consider, being that VERY few of us are capable of controlling this human urge), and then you won't have to beat yourself up about this. Take it slow and smooth and you'll succeed.

And to address another point: Yes, this is kind of a result of your past. The people I know who are virgins and never really started actively lusting do not hav the struggle like you and I have, and it is a struggle and a burden that I wish I had never placed upon myself, but we brought this with our own choices, and God has forgiven us for our actions because "He who asks shall receive," and now it is simply our job to try to be better people and please God.

Best of luck!

Since I'm an atheist, and I don't think there's any nosy man in the sky, I didn't marry so I could have sex. I could have sex before I was married. So the reason I got married was because I found somebody that I wanted to commit myself to. Saving sex for marriage seems like a very dangerous proposition, as then you don't know whether you're in love and comfortable enough with them, or if you just really need to get laid. And then once the glamour of the first month of sex is over, then what? What if you don't actually like them as much as you thought?

I'm not blind, or cursed, or dysfunctional because I had sex with men other before I met my husband. And my husband isn't dysfunctional because he had sex with other women before he met me. Oh, and just so you know, married people touch too. Maybe your spouse isn't home, or maybe they're tired, or whatever. It's just not a big deal.

 

[dr.p]

jmverville,

I agree with everything you said: staying active, taking time, not beating yourself up about it (feeling self-pity/loathing,) and all else.

But, I believe that if you are to overcome it, you have to face it head on, look at it for what it is while you are being tempted, and seek God immediately. It takes some time, yes, and lots of prayer, but if you always just go do something else without facing it and saying no to it, you'll just end up wondering why you never got control of yourself and stopped doing it, IMHO.

 

[dr.p]

Since I'm an atheist, and I don't think there's any nosy man in the sky, I didn't marry so I could have sex. I could have sex before I was married. So the reason I got married was because I found somebody that I wanted to commit myself to. Saving sex for marriage seems like a very dangerous proposition, as then you don't know whether you're in love and comfortable enough with them, or if you just really need to get laid. And then once the glamour of the first month of sex is over, then what? What if you don't actually like them as much as you thought?

I'm not blind, or cursed, or dysfunctional because I had sex with men other before I met my husband. And my husband isn't dysfunctional because he had sex with other women before he met me. Oh, and just so you know, married people touch too. Maybe your spouse isn't home, or maybe they're tired, or whatever. It's just not a big deal.

Some Christians believe (as the Bible says) that if you have sex with a member of the opposite sex, you're married to them. There's no separation of sex and marriage in God's eyes, only in human law.

In my view, having sex for any reason other than love, not just marrying for another reason, is not a good idea. Unfortunately, I've only seen sex that way after the fact; but I'm glad I at least see it.

And I believe omitting sex from the relationship, and focusing on who each other are, is just as effective, if not more so, as getting sex out of the way to clear things up. It requires you to control yourself and keep a more objective view of things.

 

[Seaside Mists]

It is on soap operas and prime time tv!

Ah. Both of which are completely accurate representations of what society thinks is normal and acceptable.