I know this is not the best way for me to introduce myself, but I've been depressed about it since I was 9...
It was not a very good time in my life to start. I was young, frightened, and nearsighted when it comes to sexual things. Above all I was afraid - that nightmare as a 9 year old, when I discovered masturbation accidentally on a binge of fantasy - I created a monster.
I keep on going over how or why I started that young, and what I was thinking. My mind was craving these fantasies for as long as I can remember. These fantasies were always held back almost like a Dam would a flood of rivers - it would eventually break despite me phobia of anything sexual. The pressure forced me to break... I focused on them and realized that my sensitivities to them were too strong. When I realized the potency of my manhood I was absolutely terrified of it's power. I was so scared that I begged God in tears that I'd never do it again. Too late - I might as well have shot my arm up with cocain. This was the summer of 4rth grade.
It didn't stop at simple masturbation. In a matter of days I quickly resumed... soon to fantasies that were of imaginary women. I lost count of how many times I tried aimlessly to fight back. I never searched for porn... I created my own porn in my mind - sex became something that I thought about to no end. I eventually tried a few years of focusing on narcistic things instead of women just so I could keep a clear conscience... that didn't keep well. Masturbating without the thought of having sex with a female became tasteless... I just had to fantasize about "her", not just what goes on in my own body.
As I grew older and entered highschool... this got worse. Isolation, and social phobia caused me to bury my emotions in my activity. I got very skilled at using my pillow as a prop to make me feel warm and tangible in the act. I developed TMS (Traumatic masturbatory Syndrome) and didn't realize this until much later. It took some time to learn how to touch normally.
I eventually shared my frustrations with my parents who I love and trust like no one else. They understand a significant depth of it... but they are at a loss at what to make of my mind's attitude since they can't read it -- like most Christians, it's not the act that I've been told is wrong, but the mind and attitude. As a teen I asked God numerous times to take this burden away from me... I didn't realize that I was unable to ask such a childish request at the time.
I once gave up masturbation for one whole month. It was a time when I was in martial arts, and one girl stepped into my life that I may never forget. She was very beautiful, kind, and I was a good friend of her brothers's (her brother was also a sparring partner). Heather... oh Heather, what a majestic mare she was. I gave up masturbation (age 16) for a whole month because I wanted to believe that I wasn't destined to touch and be alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to be Heather's boyfriend, just see if I could find a serious relationship in that precious Christian mare. After I was rejected by her parents (not her) before our first date, I first grew depressed beyond measure -- then I fell into me masturbation with intense vigor.
In the past 6 months alot has happened. In vain attempts to still remove masturbation from my life, I've fallen back into it emotionally too. Sometimes I can't sleep unless I've had it, and I've grown disturbingly attached to cuddle-times with my pillow. I'll hold this soft thing against my body and fantasize intensely of a woman's love - sometimes not leading up to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but just another way that I fall asleep with a bittersweet smile... I sometimes come home in my car and just want to sit for a minute or two and imagine getting time to mutually kiss and caress this imaginary partner...
In the past 6 months, the desire has pressed on to greater heights. I've fallen to a few websites that have erotica -- all that really is is porn without pictures. I've done alot already to defeat my craving for erotica - but it's memories and mental images haunt me forever, and I've realized several fetishes that drive me insane. These fetishes are the Frankenstein of all this madness - monsters that will effect me for at least a long long time... I wish to share what these fetishes are, but that's almost beside the point - but it's still a large burden I carry.
My relationship to God has been moved badly. Nothing has made my relationship to God more sour than my sexuality. It damaged me as a little boy... a failure as an lonesome teenager... and now a man who doesn't feel like a man. I live in a small, lonely town and was a miserable failure at online dating. I've never kissed a girl, but God knows I daydream about it everyday . I've tried to date 2 different gals and failed at both miserably.
I may never be able to be rid of masturbation -- but I do want to try to tame some of my fetishes that have evolved as of late (they are hetrosexual, but do too much to turn women into little more than sexual images). I'm deeply hurt by my desires for these haunting fetishes (I have erotica to thank for some of it's awakening). Right now, the only way I can seem to combat that is to focus on the emotional aspect of my act a little more... try to wrap my heart around something that will never hug me back... kiss me... or bear children... or listen to the whispers I wish to utter in her ear...
I could use your encouragement to stop wanting erotica -- it's evil, mind wrapping fictions. Fortunarely, my erotica fansies are very young, and I've been clean of them for a long time - but it's my wanting them after all this time that pains me.
I'm sorry about this message's length... I have so much in this area of my life that burdens me. All I have to show for all of this is my virginity -- and sometimes I question whether or not this "seal" carries any real weight anymore. If God is going to condemn these crutches and acts... I almost wish I had at least had sex for real... I'm trapped in the Matrix, and there's no freeing this mind... only isolation...
It was not a very good time in my life to start. I was young, frightened, and nearsighted when it comes to sexual things. Above all I was afraid - that nightmare as a 9 year old, when I discovered masturbation accidentally on a binge of fantasy - I created a monster.
I keep on going over how or why I started that young, and what I was thinking. My mind was craving these fantasies for as long as I can remember. These fantasies were always held back almost like a Dam would a flood of rivers - it would eventually break despite me phobia of anything sexual. The pressure forced me to break... I focused on them and realized that my sensitivities to them were too strong. When I realized the potency of my manhood I was absolutely terrified of it's power. I was so scared that I begged God in tears that I'd never do it again. Too late - I might as well have shot my arm up with cocain. This was the summer of 4rth grade.
It didn't stop at simple masturbation. In a matter of days I quickly resumed... soon to fantasies that were of imaginary women. I lost count of how many times I tried aimlessly to fight back. I never searched for porn... I created my own porn in my mind - sex became something that I thought about to no end. I eventually tried a few years of focusing on narcistic things instead of women just so I could keep a clear conscience... that didn't keep well. Masturbating without the thought of having sex with a female became tasteless... I just had to fantasize about "her", not just what goes on in my own body.
As I grew older and entered highschool... this got worse. Isolation, and social phobia caused me to bury my emotions in my activity. I got very skilled at using my pillow as a prop to make me feel warm and tangible in the act. I developed TMS (Traumatic masturbatory Syndrome) and didn't realize this until much later. It took some time to learn how to touch normally.
I eventually shared my frustrations with my parents who I love and trust like no one else. They understand a significant depth of it... but they are at a loss at what to make of my mind's attitude since they can't read it -- like most Christians, it's not the act that I've been told is wrong, but the mind and attitude. As a teen I asked God numerous times to take this burden away from me... I didn't realize that I was unable to ask such a childish request at the time.
I once gave up masturbation for one whole month. It was a time when I was in martial arts, and one girl stepped into my life that I may never forget. She was very beautiful, kind, and I was a good friend of her brothers's (her brother was also a sparring partner). Heather... oh Heather, what a majestic mare she was. I gave up masturbation (age 16) for a whole month because I wanted to believe that I wasn't destined to touch and be alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to be Heather's boyfriend, just see if I could find a serious relationship in that precious Christian mare. After I was rejected by her parents (not her) before our first date, I first grew depressed beyond measure -- then I fell into me masturbation with intense vigor.
In the past 6 months alot has happened. In vain attempts to still remove masturbation from my life, I've fallen back into it emotionally too. Sometimes I can't sleep unless I've had it, and I've grown disturbingly attached to cuddle-times with my pillow. I'll hold this soft thing against my body and fantasize intensely of a woman's love - sometimes not leading up to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], but just another way that I fall asleep with a bittersweet smile... I sometimes come home in my car and just want to sit for a minute or two and imagine getting time to mutually kiss and caress this imaginary partner...
In the past 6 months, the desire has pressed on to greater heights. I've fallen to a few websites that have erotica -- all that really is is porn without pictures. I've done alot already to defeat my craving for erotica - but it's memories and mental images haunt me forever, and I've realized several fetishes that drive me insane. These fetishes are the Frankenstein of all this madness - monsters that will effect me for at least a long long time... I wish to share what these fetishes are, but that's almost beside the point - but it's still a large burden I carry.
My relationship to God has been moved badly. Nothing has made my relationship to God more sour than my sexuality. It damaged me as a little boy... a failure as an lonesome teenager... and now a man who doesn't feel like a man. I live in a small, lonely town and was a miserable failure at online dating. I've never kissed a girl, but God knows I daydream about it everyday . I've tried to date 2 different gals and failed at both miserably.
I may never be able to be rid of masturbation -- but I do want to try to tame some of my fetishes that have evolved as of late (they are hetrosexual, but do too much to turn women into little more than sexual images). I'm deeply hurt by my desires for these haunting fetishes (I have erotica to thank for some of it's awakening). Right now, the only way I can seem to combat that is to focus on the emotional aspect of my act a little more... try to wrap my heart around something that will never hug me back... kiss me... or bear children... or listen to the whispers I wish to utter in her ear...
I could use your encouragement to stop wanting erotica -- it's evil, mind wrapping fictions. Fortunarely, my erotica fansies are very young, and I've been clean of them for a long time - but it's my wanting them after all this time that pains me.
I'm sorry about this message's length... I have so much in this area of my life that burdens me. All I have to show for all of this is my virginity -- and sometimes I question whether or not this "seal" carries any real weight anymore. If God is going to condemn these crutches and acts... I almost wish I had at least had sex for real... I'm trapped in the Matrix, and there's no freeing this mind... only isolation...
