My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, happily. We rarely argue, and usually agree on just about everything. We have what I would call a healthy sex life, 2-3 times a week. My husband does not think this is enough. I do not enjoy sex all the time. It is a tough subject, but due to being raped, molested and abandoned as an adolescent, I am not very comfortable having sex. Last night, my little one fell asleep in my arms on the couch. my husband left to get the mail and when he came back he was upset that she had not been put in her own bed. I did not do so because I was enjoying my cuddle time with her. He then began to address the fact that I do not "pursue" him, or initiate, and that he is tired of being the initiator. I understand this frustration. He finally asked me why I am like this and I opened up to him and blurted out, "because I was raped, molested, and abandoned throughout my childhood and I don't enjoy sex." To this he answered back that this is because I have not allowed God to heal me of these things. He does not believe that I need to see a counselor to help me through these things. As conversation progressed we got into another argument about his relationship with Christ and how he is not seeking him. He told me that he prays everyday, and does not need to read the bible. He also told me that his and my relationship come before his and Christ's. I am just at a loss and heartbroken.
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Sex Issues
- Thread starter jstr512
- Start date
Perhaps you both need to go in for counseling. You both have valid points. I would find someone who specializes in this type of issue. You might start with your OB/Gyn for recommendations, as this is pretty common for them to see (ie you will not shock them).
I was molested as a child. Just last week, I saw a new doctor, and without knowing any of my past, he asked me if I had been. Almost 40 years later, I still have physical reactions that give me away. And I had a hard time in the beginning of our marriage (it took two years and physical therapy before we could consummate our marriage). I did not go to emotional counseling, nor did I desire it. I definitely needed physical therapy. But I think that the two of you might benefit from counseling - especially for him to learn how to approach you in a loving, tender way - and for you to learn to meet his needs in light of your past.
I have a friend who was violently date-raped. Her husband is very gentle with her. Things are still harder for her (nearly 20 years later) than she thinks they would be had this not happened to her. But they are able to work together and have an amazing relationship. They work hard to meet each other's physical needs.
I was molested as a child. Just last week, I saw a new doctor, and without knowing any of my past, he asked me if I had been. Almost 40 years later, I still have physical reactions that give me away. And I had a hard time in the beginning of our marriage (it took two years and physical therapy before we could consummate our marriage). I did not go to emotional counseling, nor did I desire it. I definitely needed physical therapy. But I think that the two of you might benefit from counseling - especially for him to learn how to approach you in a loving, tender way - and for you to learn to meet his needs in light of your past.
I have a friend who was violently date-raped. Her husband is very gentle with her. Things are still harder for her (nearly 20 years later) than she thinks they would be had this not happened to her. But they are able to work together and have an amazing relationship. They work hard to meet each other's physical needs.
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Inkachu
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You need counseling to deal with your past, and then you and your husband need some Christian marital counseling. Your husband's attitude towards your past abuse and his comments about your relationship are way, way off.
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NothingIsImpossible
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Yep good advice so far. I will say though rape is scaring no matter how much therapy you get. For now he should be loving and understanding that sex is a issue for you. Hes not respecting you as he should be as a husband.
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ValleyGal
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I'm quite concerned about this comment, where his relationship with you is more important than his relationship with God. If he expects you to "let God heal you" then he needs to be on the same page about not only submitting to God, but also about being part of that healing process.
People have no idea that being raped or molested is so incredibly pervasive, it's hard to understand how the healing process needs to happen for most people. Therapists who do this kind of counselling have often gone through specialized training for it. Yes, God can heal, but there are various ways that God provides for that healing. One is through counselling. Another is through marriage therapy, where he is actively involve in your healing process.
I hope you will seek out the organizations in your area for this service and pursue healing. It is not going to fix everything, but it can certainly teach good coping mechanisms when you have flashbacks or feelings that go along with it.
Aside from this, I hope your husband is understanding and kind and gentle with you as you pursue healing. More importantly, I hope he will become a sensitive lover, who will meet your sexual needs so that you start enjoying sex more. A man who is sensitive outside the bedroom is likely to be just as sensitive in the bedroom. I hope he has this sensitivity towards you and ensures a fulfilling sex life for you.
ETA: the quote from the OP....he needs to start putting his relationship with God before his relationship with you.
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I want to set the record straight that my husband is very sensitive and that this, for him is more of a misunderstanding due to his positive upbringing. He was raised by word of faith, name it claim it parents, and while he is not this way, he still has some of that mentality. As far as his relationship with Christ, he definitely needs to work on this. I don't know what brought him to this point of me being more important, but he is in denial. He is a wonderful man who just doesn't understand my struggles and has a heavy desire for sex.
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If you associate sex with your husband with rape you won't want to have sex with him. Why the change, or has the frequency always been the same and he used to be okay with it?
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sdmsanjose
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Your husband puts his sex interests before your deep scares
Your husband puts his sex interests before Christ
Your husband is either selfish, very insensitive, has no wisdom, or is all three!
Get all the help that you can for you and your husband. Also, start right now getting as self supporting as possible. I do not say this so that you can divorce him I say this so that he will not be able to be successful in his attempts to control you for his selfish interests. If he will not listen to kindness, reason, consideration, the spirit or any thing else then some consequences may be in order.
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You need your past addressed and processed more, and some really healthy helpful material on sex at some stage too.
He has significant gaps in his thinking, probably due to his upbringing. He needs to become aware of that somehow, and begin to learn quite a few things about the real Biblical message.
John
NZ
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ValleyGal
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Here's a paper your husband can read:
http://www.capefearpsych.org/documents/Rape-mensguide.pdf
It's only 18 pages and is loaded with information, and if he is perceptive, he will notice how pervasive the effects of rape are. One of the most important things - and I cannot stress this enough - is that you can't just get over it, or do the "name it and claim it" healing. Emotional wounds require emotional healing, and even then there is no such thing as a full healing, but we can certainly not let it have anymore power over us. That doesn't mean it will not affect you still. It always will.
I am so glad that he is a sensitive man. Hopefully that will mean that he will spend some time learning about the effects on you, and working with you to address it. Now is a good time for him to learn to lean on Jesus, to walk more in step with the Spirit as he needs to exercise self-control and patience and gentleness in helping you through this.
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seeingeyes
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I'm not sure how to say this without being run out on a rail, but if that is your husband's perception of Jesus, then maybe it's a good thing for him to step back a bit.
As you well know, you don't "just heal" from your whole childhood, and neither does he. But your Father in heaven knows that. So have faith in the grace of your Father, keep your husband in your prayers, and then work on this marriage that sounds like it has a lot of good in it.
Tell your husband that you want to work on your side of things, and that you want him to work on his side of things, too. Get into counseling (get some references) and get to work.
May God bless you both and bring you peace.
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She's rejecting him at a deep level when she refuses him sex. I won't get into the sermon to explain that but a spouse does real damage when they do that. He's not all wrong.
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Hetta
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From my experience of some I have met who were molested as children, they have buried it deep, out of shame/guilt/grief. It takes a very safe situation for them to be able to talk about what happened to them. The husband in this situation is not providing that safe place.
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sdmsanjose
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.
Is is rare that someone is ALL WRONG. However, he is wrong enough to have great concern. This man puts his sex interest before Christ!!!! She could give him sex every hour and he would still be ALL WRONG about putting his interest above Christ.
I do not think that she is completely denying him sex because she said:
.
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Both you and your husband need a christian marital counseling. Together you need to address this issue and be honest about your feelings. Your husband might be sensitive but he also needs to understand your feelings as well. You are sensitive towards sex because of the troubled past, but my dear friend don't let your troubled past hinder your present and future. Come to terms with your past and wash off your agony and shame.
God has blessed you with wonderful marriage. Praise the Lord for that and seek a christian counselor to help both of you. There's no harm in seeking help.
God has blessed you with wonderful marriage. Praise the Lord for that and seek a christian counselor to help both of you. There's no harm in seeking help.
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First off if you were more important to him than Christ (which is a horrible thing to even think about) why would he not respect your insecurities during your struggle with it? I can only hope he only said that in anger and didn't mean it. He needs to seek spiritual help even if it is just within himself.
You truly do need to seek some counseling. I don't think your husband is in a place right now to help you in your struggles. You need someone to coach you through to helping yourself. He needs to be supportive. He needs to give you all of the time that you need.
You truly do need to seek some counseling. I don't think your husband is in a place right now to help you in your struggles. You need someone to coach you through to helping yourself. He needs to be supportive. He needs to give you all of the time that you need.
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Avniel
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I don't know if I would say they were way off. I have said this time and time again, I would never have dated a woman that has been raped, from a single parent household or any sort of daddy issues. Not because I think less of them but because I really don't have the patience nor the sensitivity to be in that type of relationship. His comments aren't way off his personality and her history are unequally yoked. He should have realized that her history and his personality weren't a match.....he's frustrated sexually and she needs emotional validation that he can't give because logically he can't grasp it.
I'm not saying he's right all I'm saying is I wish more people took into account how ones past scars affects the relationship.
A relationship need of mine is total freedom, the ability to bounce ideas and opinions instead of yell and insult, the ability to compromise 50/50 because anything less is taking advantage of me and I need some that can express themselves physically and enjoy it. Daddy issues, past rapes, scars from others experiences with men, past of abusive relationships can complicate what I need in a relationship.
So I can see where he is coming from but if he's coming from there he should have known before the marriage.
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Avniel
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This is my main problem with this. So because someone hurt her(personally I enjoy how my parents native island deal with rapists) in the past he needs to do all of these things and have a big smile on his face while doing this. While at the same time the things in the relationship he wants gets put on the back burner. Doesn't particular say just to me.
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