Sex Issues

[Jake and Jenn]

I really recommend finding a Celebrate Recovery in your area. It will really help you both. It will help you not only work through your past but help you with your current situation with your spouse. It will also help him with some views that might be a little distorted or what have you. Very very good program. It helped me so so much.

Also, I could write a book on this but, one thing that we ran into when we had our first child was him not realizing he was jealous of our child and the attention I was giving her which had to be there because she needed cared for but he was having a hard time "sharing" me. We talked it out and worked through what would help him not to feel like that. It made a big difference. It takes two to find that balance but when you do and continue to keep it. It makes life so much easier on both ends. - Jenm

 

[guyfromnb]

Not an easy subject. And it's hard to tell somebody else what to do or not to do in this area, especially when you are entering into the intimacy of two persons. There's nothing wrong with counseling and getting all the help you can, but the problem is that the partner has to agree to it too and it's not always the case.

I think sex is a gift from God. It was meant to be a good thing, to make us both feel good, be more intimate with our mate and keep us together, and do good with. But unfortunately many times it is use selfishly without consideration for the other person and it can hurt really badly.

I wish you the best with that issue

 

[Inkachu]

I don't know if I would say they were way off. I have said this time and time again, I would never have dated a woman that has been raped, from a single parent household or any sort of daddy issues. Not because I think less of them but because I really don't have the patience nor the sensitivity to be in that type of relationship.

What "type" of relationship is that, exactly? Because I've been sexually abused, I was a single mother, and I'm not close to my father at all. Yet I'm happily married and in an incredible, amazing relationship with my husband, and I'm wondering what sort of dysfunctional, repulsive person you think I should be instead of who I am?

I also don't get how HER being abused by men in the past somehow justifies her husband's callous and stupid comments about "not allowing God to heal her" and that she doesn't need counseling?? What kind of moron would say that a woman who'd been raped and molested doesn't need counseling?? Talk about victim blaming...

If a man learned that his wife was reluctant to initiate sex because she'd been raped, I would HOPE that his reaction would be heartbreak and grief and pain for what she'd suffered at the hands of a monster. Followed by a genuine desire to comfort and help her, and do whatever it took for her to find healing of her heart and spirit. Not "OH, well THAT'S why I'm not getting as much as I want. Dang, woman, you need to let God heal that, and heck no, you don't need a counselor. Just pray or whatever so we can get back to having more sex."

 

[Avniel]

What "type" of relationship is that, exactly? 1.Because I've been sexually abused, A)I was a single mother, and I'm not close to my father at all. B)Yet I'm happily married and in an incredible, amazing relationship with my husband, and I'm wondering what (2.A sort of dysfunctional, repulsive person you think I should be instead of who I am?

2)I also don't get how HER being abused by men in the past somehow justifies her husband's callous and stupid comments about "not allowing God to heal her" and that she doesn't need counseling?? What kind of moron would say A)that a woman who'd been raped and molested doesn't need counseling?? B)Talk about victim blaming...

3.If a man learned that his wife was reluctant to initiate sex because she'd been raped, I would HOPE that his reaction would be heartbreak and grief and pain for what she'd suffered at the hands of a monster. Followed by a genuine desire to comfort and help her, and do whatever it took for her to find healing of her heart and spirit. Not "OH, well THAT'S why I'm not getting as much as I want. Dang, woman, you need to let God heal that, and heck no, you don't need a counselor. Just pray or whatever so we can get back to having more sex."

I think this part of the conversation is where people take their personal life and enter into a conversation where my opinion clearly offends. Let me break it down for you further.

1. I think you would be a person that is difficult to deal with, hard on men, unwilling to submit, unwilling to allow a man to lead, unwilling to have sex when you "aren't in the mood" but expect other sacrifices to be in your favor when I didn't want to, arguments over chores, a tad mean and bitter towards men the type of person that goes to a job and is a jerk because they are the boss then use the excuse but if a man did it..........I would expect a bad attitude, long arguments, you using sex as a weapon, supportive of divorce, not being a virgin, a chance of promiscuity early on.

Now I am not saying that anyone that has been through that are bad or horrible people but what I am saying is that is there potential issues that they have that I particularly don't want to deal with.


A) I wouldn't be in a relationship with a single mother because I feel like as a black man that has went to trouble to not only not be a part of the crowd, but also to be childless being a part of a community where father's leave. I wouldn't have married a woman with children I would feel like I cheated myself.

B) I don't see how who I would and wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with in the past has anything to do with your spouse and you having a happy relationship. I am not your spouse, I don't even know your spouse what he wants and what I want are certainly two different things because we are two different people with two different thoughts and desires.

2. I don't believe that it justified why he said it but it certainly justifies why I wrote what I wrote. Not everyone is cut out to be in a relationship with a woman that has been raped. Some people do not want to be apart of that type of emotional journey with anybody. Some people don't have the patients to do that. I don't have the energy and I have to much on my plate career wise to worry about that. I can see where his response comes from, as someone that wouldn't even have been in that relationship with that past stimuli what do you think?

A) How do you in the first paragraph make a statement and contradict it in the second paragraph. Why does she need thearpy? Is it wrong not wanting to be in a relationship with someone that needs therpy? How to you make it seem like there would be no issues then make it seem like it is dumb to tell a person not to get help for those issues...........that's a contradiction.

B) I don't know if that is blaming the victim I just think that's not wanting to deal with the actions of another person. Why should I be punished for what the next man did, why do I want to deal with those issues, insecurities, fears and personal hang ups when I had nothing to do with it? That's not blaming the victim that is looking out for my own interest.


3. I would be upset because that is actually a question I would ask. I am pretty good at telling who has and who hasn't. At that point it wouldn't even be about sex I would feel betrayed. Then I would feel even more upset that I have to deal with the actions of another man.




WHY IS IT A CRIME TO HAVE A CERTAIN HISTORY AND PAST THAT YOU JUST DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH A BE CLOSE TO. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HATE OR EVEN HAVE AN ISSUE WITH A PERSON THAT HAS BEEN IN THAT SITUATION. IT JUST MEANS THAT THEIR ISSUES AND MY PERSONALITY DONT MIX AND I WOULD RATHER NOT DEAL WITH THE HEADACHE...........IS THAT WRONG?

 

[mkgal1]

I think it's good that you know your limitations (not having the patience nor sensitivity necessary for that), Avniel (good for all involved).

 

[Avniel]

I think it's good that you know your limitations (not having the patience nor sensitivity necessary for that), Avniel (good for all involved).

There is nothing wrong with knowing what I can deal with and can not. Now passing by or being an acquaintance of someone is one thing but to deal with their issues in a deep relationship is to much for me. I don't like daddy issues, I don't like the deep trauma and all of those dark ugly family things. Mom and dad still married, no deep trauma, no mental illness, no addictions it just makes life easier when dealing with someone with that foundation.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by Avniel http://www.christianforums.com/t7828380-post65919680/#post65919680
I don't know if I would say they were way off. I have said this time and time again, I would never have dated a woman that has been raped, from a single parent household or any sort of daddy issues. Not because I think less of them but because I really don't have the patience nor the sensitivity to be in that type of relationship.

Avniel, I admire your candor. Also, I think that you are smart because as a general rule, from what I have read, it is an added difficulty in the relationship when the poor woman has been abused like that. It is not her fault but the chances are that you will have to live with some of the consequences if you marry her.

By Inkachu
What "type" of relationship is that, exactly? Because I've been sexually abused, I was a single mother, and I'm not close to my father at all. Yet I'm happily married and in an incredible, amazing relationship with my husband, and I'm wondering what sort of dysfunctional, repulsive person you think I should be instead of who I am?

Since I believe you to be an honest, intelligent, truthful person, I think that you are the OPPOSITE of a dysfunctional and repulsive person. Your words above in bold prove that.

By Inkachu
I also don't get how HER being abused by men in the past somehow justifies her husband's callous and stupid comments about "not allowing God to heal her" and that she doesn't need counseling?? What kind of moron would say that a woman who'd been raped and molested doesn't need counseling?? Talk about victim blaming...

If a man learned that his wife was reluctant to initiate sex because she'd been raped, I would HOPE that his reaction would be heartbreak and grief and pain for what she'd suffered at the hands of a monster. Followed by a genuine desire to comfort and help her, and do whatever it took for her to find healing of her heart and spirit. Not "OH, well THAT'S why I'm not getting as much as I want. Dang, woman, you need to let God heal that, and heck no, you don't need a counselor. Just pray or whatever so we can get back to having more sex."

The husband is either lacking compassion, ignorant, has no wisdom or all three.

 

[Avniel]

Avniel, I admire your candor. Also, I think that you are smart because as a general rule, from what I have read, it is an added difficulty in the relationship when the poor woman has been abused like that. It is not her fault but the chances are that you will have to live with some of the consequences if you marry her.








Since I believe you to be an honest, intelligent, truthful person, I think that you are the OPPOSITE of a dysfunctional and repulsive person. Your words above in bold prove that.




The husband is either lacking compassion, ignorant, has no wisdom or all three.

I think a lot of people don't understand the things we go through affect our relationship and how we respond to stimuli. I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman that was put through trauma because of a man or due to lack of a man. It adds stress, it adds arguments there are more walls, possibility of sexual hang ups, lack of affection need of a lot affection.

You know I even as a college student I never felt comfortable being around women that were raped, were rumored to have been raped and or told me they were. Back then it was more so because I am a black man and I have heard stories so I always was very careful because jail was a fear of mine. As I got close with them I noticed certain issues and problems similarly I noticed certain problems and issues with women that lacked father's. That's not her fault but it's not mine either and I don't want to deal with problems someone else started.

There is less weight entering into the relationship. I think people enter into relationships and either don't tell their history or the other person doesn't ask. It's always better to think logically about the person you decide to give your heart to. Can this person deal with my personality? Can this person deal with my history? Can I deal with this person's personality? Can I deal with this person's history? I don't believe there is anything weak about knowing yourself well enough and being in enough self control to actually have those conversations with you, them and God.

 

[bluegreysky]

Once again, I will share the little bit I learned in my 2 short months as a wife so far, and the 3 months leading up to the wedding when I was in weekly premarital counseling with my man...

In the counseling sessions, which were lead by a couple of married Christians from our church, I learned that not ever fighting doesn't mean "happily married".
That while it's not good to have knock-out, drag-out fights that get physical, it's healthy to have discussions that can at times become heated when a problem arises as long as in the end it's getting resolved.
The fact that the OP didn't fight for 4 years was maybe more of a case of repressing issues and her hubby tiptoeing on eggshells not to open up a can-o-worms. That builds stress and eventually one or both are bound to meltdown like a volcano or worse... grow distant then apart.

I too suffered some dark stuff in my past, as far as love and sex gone wrong are concerned.
I too wasn't sure about sex in marriage... I felt like it would make me feel used.
I was taught that the God-given intimacy in marriage was a totally different animal from sex that stems from premarital lust and no doubt even more completely different from rape and other horrible sex acts that people use against other people.
Sex in marriage vs. lust-based sex would be like comparing an apple to an orange. No scratch that... comparing an apple to a rotten potato.
I quickly learned not to shy away from it,
and not to treat it like it's meant to be a special thing for date night...
like dessert. Instead, I treat it like it's a vitamin.
we need a good dose of it on the reg for this marriage to be full and healthy. We need an extra large dose when we aren't feeling good... when we are sad, angry, anxious, struggling, maybe even sick depending on what kind of sick...

My husband has had the same problem as her husband seems to have.
Before our breakup a few years ago that lead to the 180* changes in us that lead us back together and to marriage, he had some serious issues that I was afraid to address and one of them was that he wouldn't just be honest with me. If he didn't like something I did, he wouldn't tell me up front. He's suck it up and suck it up until he exploded at an innopportune time and things got ugly.
Thank God he's been healed of that. It took our 8-month breakup to get there but I don't want to see the OP have to go through something like that, so I think the solution is making a gradual healthy pattern of taking a few minutes a day to ask each other if there's something they want to get off their chests + some counseling.

And he DOES need the bible.