sex and being single

[bonniejo66]

Hi everyone. I have a question that I hope can be answered here. As a christian I know I am to wait to have sex until I get married. Before becoming to the Lord, I have had previous relationships that were sexual. My question is now that I am a christian, what if I never get married? How am I suppose to live the rest of my life and never have sex again? I am single and only 45 and the thought of living the next 40 years or so and not having sex seems impossible. I have no problem waiting for marriage to have sex, but what if God's will for me is to remain single? I always thought that by this age I would be married, but that turned out not to be the case. It has been years since I have been intimate with a man and to be quite honest, I am getting to the point that I am beginning to doubt that God really understands or even cares about my heartache and longing to be with a man. Its not just the sex I miss, it's the intimacy that comes with being in a loving and fullfilling relationship. I am tired of married christians who say "maybe its Gods will for you to be alone" or " someone will come into your life some day". Really?? Someday has turned into 45 years of being alone and I cant take it much more. I would rather just die and go on to heaven and be with Jesus than spend the rest of my life alone with out the possilblity of being married. So any thoughts on how any of you handle this would be greatly appreicated. If I dont ever have my prayer of being married answered, what is the point of praying? I have given up the secular way of life believing that God will answer my prayer, but what if He says no. I cant live the rest of my life without the loving touch of a man. How do I get rid of the desire of being married and having a sex with a man? And please dont say just pray. I have been and the answer is always no. I dont want to disappoint God but I cant keep living like this. Its killing me inside. Thanks for reading this.

 

[broken_one]

Welcome to the downside of Christianity.

I really dislike how sex is demonized through and through, and then when you get married ALL OF A SUDDEN it's an okay thing to do. Can't we show more balance?

 

[Inkachu]

You're asking a question and refusing to listen to the answers before anyone even has a chance to answer you. Do you want answers or don't you? Sometimes all we really want is to VENT, not be given advice. If that's the case, then you shouldn't say "what should I do?" and then follow it with "but don't tell me to do this, this, this, or this!" Just say that this is a rant and let it all out.

Also - this forum is for singles, but there aren't many people here over 40. There are a few in their 30's (including me). It can be a little tough to find perspectives on life after 30 here, but don't take that as a cue to leave Please do stick around!

No one can tell you what God has in store for your future, but we can reassure you of what we know from His word. He does understand what you're thinking and feeling. He knows every bit of your loneliness and longing. If He's holding off on bringing someone into your life right now, it's for a reason, and you can trust Him. I know how hard it can be... I've never been married, and I have plenty of "I'm gonna be an ugly old woman and never know what it's like to be a bride or be in love" thoughts. But you know what? Those thoughts are lies from Satan IMHO. We need to counter those thoughts with promises from God; that He's with us, He loves us, He understands, He's patient, He's working for our good, He's on our side. As much as I ache and pine for my future husband, I would rather wait as long as it takes for God to bring him, than settle for someone else and wind up in the wrong marriage.

It might help to ask God to help you control your desires, both emotional and physical. The more you think about sex and physical affection, the more you're going to desire it. You need to be responsible for what you think about, and it might help you if you start praying or reading your Bible or singing some praise music when you start feeling lonely.

Take deep breaths, go easy on yourself, and take life one day at a time. Try to focus on what you have, not what you don't have.

 

[Inkachu]

Welcome to the downside of Christianity.

I really dislike how sex is demonized through and through, and then when you get married ALL OF A SUDDEN it's an okay thing to do. Can't we show more balance?

True Christianity does not "demonize" sexuality. It's a natural, God-given desire that needs to be controlled outside of marriage. You can acknowledge it and understand it without indulging it.

 

[Thunder Peel]

First off, welcome!

As for getting rid of the desire for someone, that is extremely tough and it takes practice. For me it's a daily battle to ignore that desire and put it behind me but it's not impossible. Find things to keep you distracted and look for ways to serve.

 

[Verve]

Welcome to the downside of Christianity.

I really dislike how sex is demonized through and through, and then when you get married ALL OF A SUDDEN it's an okay thing to do. Can't we show more balance?

True Christianity does not "demonize" sexuality. It's a natural, God-given desire that needs to be controlled outside of marriage. You can acknowledge it and understand it without indulging it.

#1- Sexuality within marriage is sacred. The intimate bond of marriage is the way we are meant to experience sex. You aren't just joining your bodies, but your spirits. If you look at Christianity all the guidelines and things that can seem like downers are really there because God is our Creator, He knows how we work and what works best for us. To me this seems very balanced.

#2-I agree with Babe of Broadway on this. It's not demonized by the faith, but it is demonized by some in the faith. I've often found that people who impose those sort of strict rules on others seem to do so because they are having trouble controlling themselves.

#3- I'd recommend you embark on a study of Love in the Bible. Having watched a few friends go through SLAA really gave me some perspective on it. There is the definition of love that the world teaches us, and the true definition of love.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

Paul even urges married couples to not let their marriage stand between them and a fruit bearing relationship with God.

"The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I could really go off on a tangent here about the purpose of Christian marriage, but I digress.

PS. I hate to be skeptical but the posting style reminds me of someone else and makes me worry that you aren't genuinely seeking advice. I can only post a response in the hopes that you aren't trolling.

 

[bonniejo66]

You know what babes of broadway, I would have rather u not answer my post than answer with the condescending post u just gave me. I havent refused to listen to anyone and I do pray to God, read the bible and so on. I came here seeking answers from other christians who I thought might being having the same problem. If it was just that easy I wouldnt have needed to post anything at all. So just ignore my post from now on ok?

 

[bonniejo66]

Im trolling? What does that even mean? I came to this forum because it is a christian forum and I thought that other christians outside my church could give me some answers. granted I am new to the Lord, but I thought that all questions regarding how to live the christian life were welcome here. I have asked my pastor, bible study group, and other christians about this. That post that i wrote was one of the hardest things to share with complete strangers but I thought that here my pain would be understood. Guess I was wrong. Nice way to treat a new christian to these forums.

 

[Rhye]

Im trolling? What does that even mean? I came to this forum because it is a christian forum and I thought that other christians outside my church could give me some answers. granted I am new to the Lord, but I thought that all questions regarding how to live the christian life were welcome here. I have asked my pastor, bible study group, and other christians about this. That post that i wrote was one of the hardest things to share with complete strangers but I thought that here my pain would be understood. Guess I was wrong. Nice way to treat a new christian to these forums.

Please do not feel offended.
I can understand why VT would say that because we have been having a lot of individuals come in and make threads like this. So, for now many of us don't know if people are seeking genuine advice or trying to get a kick out of peoples reactions here.

I will give my thoughts to your post later. And welcome to CF!

 

[penNpaper]

Hi everyone. I have a question that I hope can be answered here. As a christian I know I am to wait to have sex until I get married. Before becoming to the Lord, I have had previous relationships that were sexual. My question is now that I am a christian, what if I never get married? How am I suppose to live the rest of my life and never have sex again? I am single and only 45 and the thought of living the next 40 years or so and not having sex seems impossible. I have no problem waiting for marriage to have sex, but what if God's will for me is to remain single? I always thought that by this age I would be married, but that turned out not to be the case. It has been years since I have been intimate with a man and to be quite honest, I am getting to the point that I am beginning to doubt that God really understands or even cares about my heartache and longing to be with a man. Its not just the sex I miss, it's the intimacy that comes with being in a loving and fullfilling relationship. I am tired of married christians who say "maybe its Gods will for you to be alone" or " someone will come into your life some day". Really?? Someday has turned into 45 years of being alone and I cant take it much more. I would rather just die and go on to heaven and be with Jesus than spend the rest of my life alone with out the possilblity of being married. So any thoughts on how any of you handle this would be greatly appreicated. If I dont ever have my prayer of being married answered, what is the point of praying? I have given up the secular way of life believing that God will answer my prayer, but what if He says no. I cant live the rest of my life without the loving touch of a man. How do I get rid of the desire of being married and having a sex with a man? And please dont say just pray. I have been and the answer is always no. I dont want to disappoint God but I cant keep living like this. Its killing me inside. Thanks for reading this.

If God didn't care He probably wouldn't create a partner for Adam. He knew that maybe Adam will get Lonely. God does care even though we don't see it in our limited viewpoint...God has the Complete View on things.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. To be honest a lot of us singles do face with "don't be horny be holy until marriage" and a lot of books been dedicated on that subject alone. All that I can do is to do the following:

1. Welcome to Christian Forums.
2.
3. Have you found a hobby that you enjoy to help focus your attention

I am not trying to mock you and for the most part I am trying to help you to realized that God hasn't ingored you. He ain't in Heaven and is shocked that you are feeling this way - He knows. We all want that instant answer when, who, where, here, and ect when it comes to that relationship, and are we faced in Singlehood or to be Married soon.

Trust me I've been through the doubts am I ever going to be Married? But I tend not to say "never" my father always said this to me "never say never" because two people will listen to you and that is God and Satan when you say "It will never happened"

I do understand where you are coming from and all that I can do is give a peaceful blessing and prayer that God will open doors and shut doors for you.

Being single isn't a death sentence and it is hard when you want to have a few benefits of marriage when you see people getting involved and married left and right and you wonder when is it my turn.

In the end Miss...you got to give it all to Him.

Hopefully you don't take offense to this post, I do not mock you, nor am I your judge. Just a fellow Believer trying to help a Sister in Christ.

God Bless,
Drew

 

[The_Bodyguard]

If God didn't care He probably wouldn't create a partner for Adam. He knew that maybe Adam will get Lonely. God does care even though we don't see it in our limited viewpoint...God has the Complete View on things.

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. To be honest a lot of us singles do face with "don't be horny be holy until marriage" and a lot of books been dedicated on that subject alone. All that I can do is to do the following:

1. Welcome to Christian Forums.
2.
3. Have you found a hobby that you enjoy to help focus your attention

I am not trying to mock you and for the most part I am trying to help you to realized that God hasn't ingored you. He ain't in Heaven and is shocked that you are feeling this way - He knows. We all want that instant answer when, who, where, here, and ect when it comes to that relationship, and are we faced in Singlehood or to be Married soon.

Trust me I've been through the doubts am I ever going to be Married? But I tend not to say "never" my father always said this to me "never say never" because two people will listen to you and that is God and Satan when you say "It will never happened"

I do understand where you are coming from and all that I can do is give a peaceful blessing and prayer that God will open doors and shut doors for you.

Being single isn't a death sentence and it is hard when you want to have a few benefits of marriage when you see people getting involved and married left and right and you wonder when is it my turn.

In the end Miss...you got to give it all to Him.

Hopefully you don't take offense to this post, I do not mock you, nor am I your judge. Just a fellow Believer trying to help a Sister in Christ.

God Bless,
Drew

Good post

 

[Blank123]

i'm going to be blunt with you. You may not like this. So be forewarned.

You need to stop being so inwardly focused, especially to the point that you've decided Christianity is based around you and you desires. Christ did not die so that you could one day marry. He died so that you would not have to spend eternity in Hell like you and I and every other saved sinner out there deserves. You need to change your focus and priorities. Almost everyone here would love to be married, but the truth is that God tells us to be content and even joyfully thankful in all situations - married or single. Its evident that this is an area you struggle with. So perhaps work on your relationship with the Lord, which is the one true relationship which should matter to you, before worrying about finding a husband to spend the rest of your earthly life with.

Start learning to be thankful for the blessings he has given you. Learn how to be content. now. in the life that He has obviously called you to at this moment in your life. Because if you cannot be content as a single woman, I guarantee you that you will not be content as a married woman. There will always be something you'll be complaining to the Father about for not giving to you when you want it, unless you learn now to be content with your life.

 

[Verve]

i'm going to be blunt with you. You may not like this. So be forewarned.

You need to stop being so inwardly focused, especially to the point that you've decided Christianity is based around you and you desires. Christ did not die so that you could one day marry. He died so that you would not have to spend eternity in Hell like you and I and every other saved sinner out there deserves. You need to change your focus and priorities. Almost everyone here would love to be married, but the truth is that God tells us to be content and even joyfully thankful in all situations - married or single. Its evident that this is an area you struggle with. So perhaps work on your relationship with the Lord, which is the one true relationship which should matter to you, before worrying about finding a husband to spend the rest of your earthly life with.

Start learning to be thankful for the blessings he has given you. Learn how to be content. now. in the life that He has obviously called you to at this moment in your life. Because if you cannot be content as a single woman, I guarantee you that you will not be content as a married woman. There will always be something you'll be complaining to the Father about for not giving to you when you want it, unless you learn now to be content with your life.

Exactly!!!

 

[The_Bodyguard]

i'm going to be blunt with you. You may not like this. So be forewarned.

You need to stop being so inwardly focused, especially to the point that you've decided Christianity is based around you and you desires. Christ did not die so that you could one day marry. He died so that you would not have to spend eternity in Hell like you and I and every other saved sinner out there deserves. You need to change your focus and priorities. Almost everyone here would love to be married, but the truth is that God tells us to be content and even joyfully thankful in all situations - married or single. Its evident that this is an area you struggle with. So perhaps work on your relationship with the Lord, which is the one true relationship which should matter to you, before worrying about finding a husband to spend the rest of your earthly life with.

Start learning to be thankful for the blessings he has given you. Learn how to be content. now. in the life that He has obviously called you to at this moment in your life. Because if you cannot be content as a single woman, I guarantee you that you will not be content as a married woman. There will always be something you'll be complaining to the Father about for not giving to you when you want it, unless you learn now to be content with your life.

Fantastic Post!

 

[HazelWings]

Because if you cannot be content as a single woman, I guarantee you that you will not be content as a married woman.

 

[exitstageright]

True Christianity does not "demonize" sexuality. It's a natural, God-given desire that needs to be controlled outside of marriage. You can acknowledge it and understand it without indulging it.

For me,I loss my desire for sex after I got married.Now that I am single again,my desire for sex has returned. The good news is,at 57, I am not like I was when I was 19.Some men my age get testosterone treaments in order to increse their sex drive. I am glad that a man's testosterone level falls as he gets older. It was a higher testosterone level at age 19 that got me into alot of trouble emotionally when I was a young man.

 

[exitstageright]

Good post

If AYNONE knows what is must feel like to be lonely,God must surely does,since God is the Creator of everything and everyone. Have you ever wondered what God was doing BEFORE he created the universe? Yes,there are times that I think that God does not care about our romantic lives.For example,I am a football fan. When I played football,I always prayed before the game for no one would get hurt very bad. However, I NEVER have prayed to win a football game or that my favorite team( the 49ers) would win a football
game. I take prayer VERY seriously.The are more important things in life other than football,just as there are more important things in this world than me having a good romantic relationship. Therefore,I do not pray for either one. If I am attracted to someone and she does not like me,God would not force her to accept me. Therefore,praying about it would be an exercise in futility.

 

[Sketcher]

Think it through. You could be married at any point within 5 years. Of course, if you rush it, that could very well end in divorce. If God's will for you were that you remain single, it would be to spare you that. I don't know if it's God's will that I marry or not. But if it's not, then it's because of his goodness that it's not. Basically, I'd like to get married someday, but I'd rather remain single than have a bad marriage or a divorce.

 

[Blueforest]

Don't worry, when some of these twenty-somethings get to be your age, OP, they will understand what you were getting at.

Most Christians I know still have sex, even if they say they don't, or they did before marriage, then as soon as they meet someone, they date for like a month, then get married because "it's better to marry than to burn." Great advice.

I don't have any pat answers for you because I haven't been there. And frankly, neither have most people here on this forum either. Being single and 25 is much different than being single at 45.

I could offer you advice on how to meet someone and have a good relationship, but is that what you're asking? I can't condone having sex before marriage, but neither can I condemn it. It's not ideal, but we don't live in an ideal world.

 

[GQ Chris]

Welcome to the downside of Christianity.

I really dislike how sex is demonized through and through, and then when you get married ALL OF A SUDDEN it's an okay thing to do. Can't we show more balance?

That is because the only lawful way for a Christian to have sex is within Marriage. Fornication is clearly forbidden even though there are professed Christians here who deny that.

Scripture doesn't demonize sex, fornication is clearly sin.