Ok guys.. wow you have been busy since i've been gone this evening....
I have read almost everything but the last page and am ready to respond.
first of all, mkgal1 and yitzchak, I wanted to tell you both that I think you are really smart and i'm sure you're amazing people (even if it isn't obvious to everyone.. not assuming it's not). God Bless You!
Wow... where do I start.
Curious... I wonder if you were reading my anger and confused by that. It is kind of like a rant saying "i'm not putting up with this anymore (waving my fist in the air) but truth is I'm not deluded enough to think I can control my husband. I know better then that, atleast i learned that lesson well in the first few years of my marriage. I've been married to him for 9 years now. I've grown and have figured out what works and doesn't work... because HE does a great job at asserting boundaries.... after having my own hissy fits and threatening to leave and so forth if he doesn't change... i've discovered that well... hmmmm, what have i discovered... that I cannot FORCE him to change.
I will also say that even I cannot hold a grudge for that long
I like sex... that would be unrealistic to say i'll never have sex with him again, and childish. I tell him that as long as he does that (meaning in the moment) I just don't want to have sex.... I tell him I feel violated.. and he doesn't respond well to that. He thinks I'm accusing him of being a pervert or an abuser, and he resorts to defensive childish behavior as a resort. Instead of correcting his offensive behaviors.. he does them more, full blast... that's how he copes... and as a result his relationships suffer. He lost a friend because she complained and even said that his behavior made her feel uncomfortable.... yes, let me tall you about that... I still have issues with that... that old best friend.... she'd come over and he'd call out her name obnoxiously... she'd ignore him or look annoyed... so he'd do it more... towards the end of their friendship he went past a sacred boundary in my heart (which he still does not own up to) but in order to obtain that attention, or basically approval from her, he'd start tickling her legs or her feet. I was jealous and questioned why he had to have her attention so badly. Though I knew he acted like that because he felt rejected by her annoyance of his obnoxious.... but of course when i confessed my confusion to him about it he blew it off... overexagerating that he didn't have romantic feelings for her and stuff. So anyways one day her and I hung out and I admitted to her that I was concerned about his behavior towards her... the touching and what not.. and she admitted that she felt uncomfortable by it and that her husband also admitted he felt upset about the poor boundaries. She asked me not to tell him, but I did. It came up when I was trying to get him to understand how his behavior towards her was wrong and how it made me feel.... of course he just blew me off.... and I told him that as a matter of fact i'm not the only person who felt that way, but that she felt that way to. From that moment forward he decided he never wanted to have any contact with her again... and that was that. He stood by that.
Like I've said, i've told him not once, not twice, but probably a thousand times how his behavior makes me feel. He is not able to take critism well. He obviously has an issue... but I can't change that for him, nor can I make him want to change it... he has to decide that for himself. I've tried... but not anymore... I know that no amount of reasoning works with him I think he is a very stubborn man. Not only this, but when he does this instigative behavior it seems like he loves to point the finger of blame on me "oh look at you. look how YOU are acting... I'm the good guy, you're the bad guy, geesh, what's wrong with you, i'm just playing".
I have OCD. I don't know if you guys know much about that but let me just say that I struggle with feeling good about myself and my actions all the time. I am continuously stressed and anxious. I do not need this in my life. I already feel so bad about myself as it is. And here he is compounding or trying to compound the issue. He is like a big bully.... he enjoys instigating me, pushing all my buttons, watching me blow, then feeling better about himself because i'm obviously the bad one at that moment.
So, back to the topic.
Mkgal. I hear you! I think i know what you are going through, and I think yitzchak hit it right on the head, it's an identity issue... now i'm going to combine this with a statement that curious made to make my point and to maybe answer questions of yours...
Curious, you asked "isn't that controlling or trying to change her husband?"
You see, that is why it is so hard for some of us to set boundaries... because we feel like the bad guy in the scenario. That is why i'm praying that God will help me let others emotions and reactions be their responsibility and be confident that their accusations are simply a temper tantrum.
Ok, let's see... the husband lovingly explains to the wife "honey, it is important to me to be there on time... and I don't want to be angry with you anymore, for myself, and for you because when i'm angry with you i'm not having loving thoughts towards you... so here it is.... I'm going to go sit in the car, and give you a heads up.... 5, 10, 15 minutes and then i'm just going to go and meet you there later"
And so he follows through "honey, 5 minutes, then it's time to go" she's thinking "yeah right, he won't really leave me la dee da... ho humm" and then 5 minutes comes and goes, the car engine starts and he's gone. She is hurt and furious! She has a mental fit and decides to just stay home and pout... rather then taking responsibilty to find herself a ride. He comes home a couple hours later and she starts in with the accusations "YOU made me miss church!" "YOU don't love me", "YOU are a selfish pig!"
So now if he does not have a good concept of boundaries and is not confident that he did the right thing.. he immediately feels guilty, bad... condemned. He might not even respond but inwardly he feels like a bad person.... because of all those accusations.
Ideally, and what i'm learning is to be confident and not take in another person's accusations.
Just like the devil is called an accuser of the brethren.... part of growing in our identity in christ is learning that those things are not true. The devil won't stop accusing us... but we grow up and mature in who we are and are certain of what we are not then those accusations no longer have any power over us.
It helps with my stress and even with my identity in learning what i truly believe about myself even in light of what others think about me or what what things they accuse me of. It is freeing to brush off the dust of another man's scorn. That's their anger... they can deal with it... but i'm not internalizing it or receiving it into my spirit.
When I leave the room because my husband is being disrespectful... am i trying to change him? Well, I hope he'll change and learn how to respect me of course, but at that moment i am not controlling him, but rather taking control of what is happening to me. He may ACCUSE me of controlling him, but i know in my heart that is not the truth and he is responsible for what he believes... his faulty beliefs are not my responsiblity and more importantly out of my control. I give him the freedom to chose to behave and believe how he will behave... occassionally i border into being controlling by giving ultimatums when i get real desperate for change...
but the word says (i'm quoting as i REMEMBER it)
"who are you wife to think you can change your husband, you don't know if he'll change..." ok, that is in 1corinthians chapter 7... just a sec...
Ok, it's talking about a saved spouse's responsibility to an unsaved spouse if that spouse chooses to leave... unrelated yes, but the heart of the message is the same...
1 cor. 7:16-17 :"how do you know, wife, whether you will save our husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life tht the Lord assigned to him and to which God called him"
Why this scripture suddenly came to my heart is that Paul was saying "how do you know what your spouse will chose... you have no control over them... if they chose to leave, let them go... you are not bound in tlhese situations".
I do not know what choices my husband will make. I hope and pray that he'll learn to understand and respect me , that he'll care about the tears of my heart's cry. That he'll start to hear me when I say "i don't feel loved when you treat me this way" " I don't feel loved when you won't listen to me and respect me". But, do I know if he'll change, do I even expect him to change? No, I don't. And experience has taught me that he won't. However, the hope is that he will... but i'm not trying t6o control him... I am actually truly protecting my relationship with him, I'm making a good choice, because if I didn't leave the room at that time, I'd BLOW! I'd punch him or throw something at him. I'd say "bring it on buddy, the fight is on" because I mean it when I say that I have that "fight or flight response" and if I don't fly, I WILL fight... i'm not exagerating when I say that. The threat I do make to him is "you take one step closer and I WILL hurt you!:" because I feel like i'm being bullied, and it doesn't make me timid, it makes me angry. So I am protecting him... i'm seperating myself from him, and I go away to pray... and rant to God about how angry he makes me. Then later i'm over it. You know what I mean?
Ok... i'm getting tired and i'm sure i haven't finished all that i want to say.. i'll be back later.
HB
