Seriously Trying This Time...

[NoddaProbBob]

well. I feel like I owe it to a certain person that God has put in my life, that if I don't stop SI'ing for myself, that I at least owe it to her, to stop.

I can see that even though Im leaving a physical pain and mark, that I'm doing something so much more to someone else, who seems to care so much about me. and I care a lot about her.
Don't get me wrong....I don't mean for this to spite anyone of you (on here) that also care a lot about me, because I know it's hurting all of us. But something seems so much more genuine and right in front of me. and I hope that no one has hurt feelings over that. It's just a little hard to explain.

So. I had a talk with this person on Thursday, and at that point I was still on my path. and I think we non chalantly came to an unspoken agreement that it was time to make some sort of effort.

So...that Thursday night....I made one last mark....and it seems like its been forever...but I'm done. And I know I won't be able to go "cold turkey", but I wanna see how long I can do without, and I think it's time.

so, please pray for me....its only just been about 2 days, and I already feel the urge. and its tugging on me deeply.
and also, I am so thankful for God for sending me this special someone. I've been praying for a long time to have someone come into my life just to talk to and be there for me. She's been there, I just didn't know that's what God put her in my life for.

so please leave me some encouragement, and also some better emotional coping methods. Lately it's been reading. I've been reading the "Child Called It" series by Dave Pelzer, and I just finished the last book. Im looking forward to reading the next three books that he has written for self help. so, Im consumed with that lately.

well. Im off. thanks for taking the time to read
*J.j.*

 

[Soulwings]

Congratulations for making that choice. You'll make it. Remember that you may slip up - but even though stopping cold turkey is hard, but it is possible. I've gone 123 days after a few false starts. But I've not had a real, unplanned slipup. And I pray that I won't. You can do it, and I'm so proud of you for choosing the right path.

Something else to remember - that special person may have made all the difference to you - but Jesus is there too. Stop cutting for Him. Every time that you cut, you hurt Him. He's died for you. And you're choosing to sin by cutting - harming the temple that God has created for you - whether it's subconscious or not. This hurts. He and your Daddy are Both cheering you on. Go to Them for the strength to continue. I'm glad your friend has provided incentive - but don't leave God or His Son out of your recovery. They're there to take you back into Their arms and say, "Welcome home, dear child."

Best of luck, beautiful. I'll be praying that it goes as smoothly as possible. And I'm here if you ever need someone online to talk with. Don't hesitate to get in touch if you need prayer or just want to talk about this or anything at all.

God bless!
April xx

-btw, I wasn't condemning you or anything - just making that clear!!

 

[HolyOne87]

im glad you took this step. I shall pray God helps you through this journey to not hurt yourself. It will be hard, like you said (i know from experience), but after a while it becomes easier. There will be rough patches (very rough), but don't let that drag you down. Just keep pressing forward. keep your head held high and continue living your life.

I wish you the best of luck. I will be praying..

 

[NoddaProbBob]

@ SoulWings--Thanks a bunch. I knew what you were trying to say. lol. thanks for the support

@ holy one--Thanks for the encouragement. I really understand now how hard it is to stop. I'm grateful for the prayers


man, I'm having such a hard time with this right now. I really want to SI so bad. right now it's all I think about. the urges are terrible. I haven't slipped yet, and I know if I really try that I can do it. but the absence of it is becoming unbearable.


and I have a question too. (open ended, to anyone) whenever you are around friends, do you ever feel like when you talk about the things in your life (like SI or abuse in my case) that you're just making everything seem like it has to revolve around you?
I mean, cuz I went to a movie tonite with a friend and she asked me how my Thanksgiving was, and I said it was alright, trying to avoid the conversation. and she asked why, and I explained that it was because my brother had called, and that made my mom upset, and then my dad, and well the holiday was basically ruined. I didn't wanna lie to her, or anything, but I just feel like the center of attention, and I hate being the center of attention. and then she looked at my phone in the theater before the movie started and she asked what my headliner mean't. Well it said "8 days free" which was how long its been since I've cut. and I was like, "I think you can guess what it means" and she was like, "ooo ok"
and then we ended up talking about it more. and I dunno. I just hate making everything be about me. And she says that she likes to hear about stuff to make sure that I'm ok and all, but anyone, no matter who gets sick of hearing something over and over again. and I just don't wanna lose a good friend to the problems in my life again. it was too much hurt last time, and I dont wanna go through it again.
and as much as I hate making myself the center of attention, I wish I could have the courage to talk to my friend and just break down. cuz I haven't told anyone in real life, other than from this web site, much of anything that has been going on in several years. And I wish I could pour my heart out to her and cry. This sounds twisted, but sometimes I just need to hear "It's going to be ok"....if that makes sense....

so meh....I dunno

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

JJ, I haven’t been in your position before…but I’ve been in your friend’s position a few times. If she tells you that she wants to hear what’s going on, you’re allowed to tell her Hun. It’s only through you feeling ok telling her that she can get to know you better and know what’s going on. If you’re worried about it becoming only about you, ask her how she is too. She honestly sounds like an awesome person and I’m so glad you’ve found a friend you can talk to Hun – you certainly deserve it after all you’ve been through .

 

[pockleberry]

I get what you mean totally but if she says she wants to hear it then it's ok to talk to her. If she didn't want to know then she wouldn't ask the questions, I know it's hard but allow yourself to talk about the things that are important she sounds like she really does care about you...

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thanks guys....I appreciate it....

12 days and counting........its been so hard....

@Pockleberry....I understand what you mean. I really hate making myself the center of attention, and I also dont wanna be the thing we talk about everytime we're together. if that makes sense....and yea...I really believe she really cares about me. the feeling is nice

@Steffi....thanks for the encouragement. I really hope that I've put my trust in the right person. I'm just really worried that if she gets too worried about everything that she'll end up bringing like a counselor into this and I had a friend do that to me once, and I just dont know if I could go through that again....So I really hope that my trust is well put this time. Its taken me a long time to open back up to someone in real life

 

[NoddaProbBob]

15 days

 

[trying2survive09]

Congratulations on 15 days! You can do this. Cold turkey is hard...it's very hard...but I'm a day away from 1o months from my last cut. I stopped cold turkey. Don't get me wrong...there are still times I want to turn back to it. There are times that I feel that tug to turn back. I had someone who helped me to stop. My mentor became the first reason I wanted to stop. Here she was trying to help with all her might...she was walking me through so much and I didn't want to let her down. Jesus was the other reason. Soulwings is right. Cutting hurts Him. He doesn't want us to be in pain. I encourage you to just continue to reach out to Him for strength...and be encouraged. You CAN do this! I'll be praying for you

 

[angelkiss]

Congrats for having the courage to take such an important step!

I know it's not easy, but you can get through this. One thing you might try, if you haven't already, is journaling. When you get the urge to cut, just pour everything out onto paper and get the load off. Everyone is different, but this a very good coping skill that I have used for years. Not just with cutting, but for a lot of things.
Praying for you,
's and es!!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

@ trying2survive....thank you so much for the wonderful PM and encouragement....I'm working on sending you a PM back, I've been so busy, and I don't wanna write a PM back that is just a spur of the moment thing. if that makes sense.

@Angelkiss....Thanks for the tip about journaling. I've tried to do that a few times, but I wasn't able to keep up with it because of everything else that was going on. So, I just started a new fresh journal last night, and I'm going to keep it on me all the time. or try to atleast at school and such. Thank you for getting me back into that. I really miss journaling.


well, still going strong I guess....21 days

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[chloeobrien]

Cutting hurts everyone who knows you do it, but most of all it hurts yourself! I haven't stopped for very long, but I now I feel I am strong enough to cope without hurting myself. I get the urges all the time though, but the more I say no to them the easier it is, well not always but a lot of times it is that way. Try just TALKING about it with someone that really cares about you. That's what has really helped me I talk with my fiance about it, and he helps a lot, just by being there and listening. Or read the book BODILY HARM... it has a lot of help in there. Its awesome... I love that book... that is what made me want to quit for me. I didn't want to end up like some of the people in there. The best words of advice I have been given on the topic is "Stay Strong, Pain is not the answer here." that was from my high school algebra teacher.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

@Mr. Cheese....hey, it was really nice to hear from you too! I hope your tests go well!

@Chloe....hey, thanks for the advice. I understood what you mean by TALKING about stuff. Because I have this horrible habit and fear of talking about it in front of people because I'm embarassed, and I cry, and then I get embarassed because I cry...and meh, its a really messed up circle of stuff. So I talked with my friend last night about this, and she told me not to be embarassed to cry in front of her. and Im going to try and work on that. So thanks



And also (to anyone) well I havent cut for 22 days now, and last night I was putting up our christmas tree. Well its a fake one and there are sharp points on the branch where you are supposed to connect them to the pole of the tree. Well, on my honor, I accidentally cut the inside of my hand from one of the sharp points. I didn't do this on purpose, but does that mean that my 22 days are gone now??? I'm really upset about this. I wasn't trying to cut myself it was an accident. but now Im not sure whether or not this gets rid of my 22 days....I was doing so well. but now I feel awful.

what do you think??

 

[trying2survive09]

In my opininon, it doesn't make the past 22 days disappear! If it was an accident, then it doesn't count! It's not like you went out of your way to find a sharp object and then purposefully hurt yourself with it. Don't beat yourself up over this accident. Keep going strong...and congratulations on what is now 23 days!

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

J.j., I agree with trying. I lean towards SI being something that's on purpose - doing it accidentally doesn't count . Keep counting!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Ok. thanks

I was really worried there for a sec. I'm almost up to a whole month, which is good for me, but I've almost blown it a few times, which is why I was worried.

Last night had to have been the worst I've felt. I was so close. you have no idea how hard it was. But I didn't so. I guess I just keep trudging along.

thanks for the input guys

you are truely amazing

 

[ConcreteAngel]

@ SoulWings--Thanks a bunch. I knew what you were trying to say. lol. thanks for the support

@ holy one--Thanks for the encouragement. I really understand now how hard it is to stop. I'm grateful for the prayers


man, I'm having such a hard time with this right now. I really want to SI so bad. right now it's all I think about. the urges are terrible. I haven't slipped yet, and I know if I really try that I can do it. but the absence of it is becoming unbearable.


and I have a question too. (open ended, to anyone) whenever you are around friends, do you ever feel like when you talk about the things in your life (like SI or abuse in my case) that you're just making everything seem like it has to revolve around you?
I mean, cuz I went to a movie tonite with a friend and she asked me how my Thanksgiving was, and I said it was alright, trying to avoid the conversation. and she asked why, and I explained that it was because my brother had called, and that made my mom upset, and then my dad, and well the holiday was basically ruined. I didn't wanna lie to her, or anything, but I just feel like the center of attention, and I hate being the center of attention. and then she looked at my phone in the theater before the movie started and she asked what my headliner mean't. Well it said "8 days free" which was how long its been since I've cut. and I was like, "I think you can guess what it means" and she was like, "ooo ok"
and then we ended up talking about it more. and I dunno. I just hate making everything be about me. And she says that she likes to hear about stuff to make sure that I'm ok and all, but anyone, no matter who gets sick of hearing something over and over again. and I just don't wanna lose a good friend to the problems in my life again. it was too much hurt last time, and I dont wanna go through it again.
and as much as I hate making myself the center of attention, I wish I could have the courage to talk to my friend and just break down. cuz I haven't told anyone in real life, other than from this web site, much of anything that has been going on in several years. And I wish I could pour my heart out to her and cry. This sounds twisted, but sometimes I just need to hear "It's going to be ok"....if that makes sense....

so meh....I dunno

Congrats on not SI'ing...it's hard...very hard...but i too do it for a very close friend of mine who is just gutted everytime i hurt myself.

Everything you say makes perfect sense...what I have been doing is every time i get an urge to hurt myself i ring/email/or go and see this special friend of mine (who is actually a minister at my church) as a compromise...and i promise her that i wont do it. She's kind of like a mother to me and sometimes it can be so comforting just for her to hold me while i cry and let the hurt out. Cos like you, i have also been abused and so there's sooo much stuff going around in my head. I totally understand to want to have someone tell you that everything's gunna be ok....really truly i do. My thoughts and prayers and with you.

With Love
ConcreteAngel

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thanks so much for the post.

Its really nice to have someone who can really relate to how I'm feeling.
I'm just.....I don't even know....I feel so lost....
and I can't even explain it. There's so much going on in my head, and it's running outta space...

 

[LazeyWinde]

Congratulations on resisting Nod.
When my mind is exceptionally cluttered sometimes it helps me to write them down, I usually use notepad on my computer but if you prefer real paper go for it. I just start writing, grab the first thought that goes through my head and keep going. Thoughts are easier to sort through when they're written down and staying put instead of swirling around in your head.