While I don't know how much is too much information, I am just going to tell my story, and hope that I haven't offended anyone with anything. If I have I do apologize.
My husband and I have been married 5 years. He is 17 years older than me and we have two children,4 and 2 years old. I was a drug addict when we met and he was a lonely man still getting over a divorce from 6 years before we met. We got together because, well, quite frankly I needed money, and he needed attention. One thing led to another and I moved in with him. We were married in less than a year. Since that time, I have rehabilitated. I've been sober for five years. (I was six months pregnant when I got arrested for possession, which by the grace of God saved two lives!) The problem is, my h has these wierd sexual fantasies that he really wants my participation in. They involve bondage and "pretend kidnapping, rape, and murder". As well as waking up in the middle of the night to find him having sex with me or touching me in a way he knows crosses a boundary due to parts of my past. Sex between us has always been a bargaining tool. If I need his help with housework, the kids, want to by a new outfit, whatever, he always asks what I am going to "do"for him. I suppose this is my fault, as the way our relationship started out. 3 years ago, my best friend and her husband and kids needed a place to stay, so we let them come live with us. It was then, after I had put on a lot of weight from getting sober and having a baby, that he started paying little or no attention to me unless he wanted sex. He constatly flirted with my friend (still does in fact) and recently admitted that he was in love with her. Though, today, he will say he is over it, but his actions speak volumes. If she needs anything (she's a single mom) he'll jump right up no questions asked. But let me ask him for anything, and it's back to the what are you going to do for me garbage. We have been talking about seperation for months now, but I have had a hard time finding a job. Which has held us up. We've talked about counseling, I've made an effort to find an affordable counselor, and even spoken at length with my former therapist, who told me that the best thing we could do right now is seperate. He says he wants to save our marriage, but in the year and a half that he has known there is a problem, and the severity of it, he has made no effort to find help for his own problems or reach out to me in any other form than sex. I am tired and weary. I cannot continue to live this way. I spent today filling out job applications, and I have made up my mind. The more I try to grow and better myself, the more he tears me down or sabotages it. He has seen me as nothing more than a prostitute for the past five years, and I don't know if he realizes it or not. That's the scary part, is he thinks everything is fine, and we don't have any problems. He thinks this is normal! Like I said, I have made up my mind, it's just a matter of finding a job and clearing up a couple of financial hurdles right now. I know that we are supposed to honor our vows, but how can I honor them when he is not willing to change and doesn't even think there is a need for change? I have given him more than a year to make the effort, and he hasn't. My h and I stopped sleeping in the same bed over a month ago. That is because of the touching in the middle of the night.
I guess I just want to make sure I am making the right decision. I mean, I feel like I have given him every opportunity to reach out, but nothing has changed. We have tried going to church, but his views are so skewed, according to him, that he just can't get into it. And I don't know that I am asking from any of you for more than your opinion and prayers. Thank you for listening.
My husband and I have been married 5 years. He is 17 years older than me and we have two children,4 and 2 years old. I was a drug addict when we met and he was a lonely man still getting over a divorce from 6 years before we met. We got together because, well, quite frankly I needed money, and he needed attention. One thing led to another and I moved in with him. We were married in less than a year. Since that time, I have rehabilitated. I've been sober for five years. (I was six months pregnant when I got arrested for possession, which by the grace of God saved two lives!) The problem is, my h has these wierd sexual fantasies that he really wants my participation in. They involve bondage and "pretend kidnapping, rape, and murder". As well as waking up in the middle of the night to find him having sex with me or touching me in a way he knows crosses a boundary due to parts of my past. Sex between us has always been a bargaining tool. If I need his help with housework, the kids, want to by a new outfit, whatever, he always asks what I am going to "do"for him. I suppose this is my fault, as the way our relationship started out. 3 years ago, my best friend and her husband and kids needed a place to stay, so we let them come live with us. It was then, after I had put on a lot of weight from getting sober and having a baby, that he started paying little or no attention to me unless he wanted sex. He constatly flirted with my friend (still does in fact) and recently admitted that he was in love with her. Though, today, he will say he is over it, but his actions speak volumes. If she needs anything (she's a single mom) he'll jump right up no questions asked. But let me ask him for anything, and it's back to the what are you going to do for me garbage. We have been talking about seperation for months now, but I have had a hard time finding a job. Which has held us up. We've talked about counseling, I've made an effort to find an affordable counselor, and even spoken at length with my former therapist, who told me that the best thing we could do right now is seperate. He says he wants to save our marriage, but in the year and a half that he has known there is a problem, and the severity of it, he has made no effort to find help for his own problems or reach out to me in any other form than sex. I am tired and weary. I cannot continue to live this way. I spent today filling out job applications, and I have made up my mind. The more I try to grow and better myself, the more he tears me down or sabotages it. He has seen me as nothing more than a prostitute for the past five years, and I don't know if he realizes it or not. That's the scary part, is he thinks everything is fine, and we don't have any problems. He thinks this is normal! Like I said, I have made up my mind, it's just a matter of finding a job and clearing up a couple of financial hurdles right now. I know that we are supposed to honor our vows, but how can I honor them when he is not willing to change and doesn't even think there is a need for change? I have given him more than a year to make the effort, and he hasn't. My h and I stopped sleeping in the same bed over a month ago. That is because of the touching in the middle of the night.
I guess I just want to make sure I am making the right decision. I mean, I feel like I have given him every opportunity to reach out, but nothing has changed. We have tried going to church, but his views are so skewed, according to him, that he just can't get into it. And I don't know that I am asking from any of you for more than your opinion and prayers. Thank you for listening.
