Seperated

[HunterJG]

I'm lost. It has taken my marriage to get me back to the Lord and now I feel like I'mjust doing it to get my marriage back. I read and pray a lot, but still I have no peace...

My wife asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago. The two months before God did wonders in my life. He spoke to me in His word and for the first time in my life I could hear Him!

WE have been married for almost 4 years. The major issue is sexual. My wife reakons she feels uncomfortable when she makes love to me. She says she sees me more as a brother than as a husband.

There is so much more behind this, including affairs on both sides. I will be happy to expand on anything as I have been forgiven and it has become a testimony in my life.

We have seperated and I managed to convince her not to rush proceedings, but let things calm down before making final arrangements. She has not stopped contacting me over the last two weeks and says things like "she's sad, but hopeful that things can work out".

I desperately want to wait on God for this and I'm trying very hard, but it's difficult. Long story short, what do or can I do?

Thanks.
Hunter

 

[~Nikki~]

Well all the advice I can give is to say that you need to see what the Bible says about your marriage and then do it.

Also, the Bible would give clear instructions about how to treat your wife.

I am convinced that to follow the Bible in everything is best because God knows what He is talking about and He knows what will make our marriages work.

Here are some verses which might help...

Malachi 2
13 And this is the second thing you do: You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, With weeping and crying; So He does not regard the offering anymore, Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. 14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant. 15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. 16 "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously."

I believe that we should hate what God hates, and therefore not do what He hates (I am assuming this is the first marriage for both of you, because if not, the Bible is quite clear that remarriage while a previous spouse is still alive is adultery, and therefore needs to be repented of).

1 Corinthians 7
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

I think that if you start out with the premise that you will not get divorced because God hates it, then you can both work on building your marriage from there...

My in-laws survived adultery on both sides, an over domineering husband and severe depression on the wife's side. They decided that divorce was wrong and worked at running their marriage the way the Bible says. In fact it was my MIL who worked at doing what the Bible says because my FIL was not a committed Christian at the time. So she gritted her teeth and did everything as unto the Lord. Because of her faithfulness, 12 years later they are happier than they've EVER been, and my FIL is now a committed Christian. So every difficulty was worth it to have what they have today.

The Bible also tells people how to run their marriages - there is plenty of instruction on how the husband should behave towards the wife and how the wife should behave towards the husband. If you will both work on being the people God wants you to be, then you can work things out and God will help you!

God bless...

 

[HunterJG]

Thanks NorthStar

I needed to hear those things again. I have been studying what the Bible says about divorce and marriage for the last two months and have committed myself to stick to all the things you mentioned above. My wife is the tricky bit. I really believe that over years the devil has built strongholds in her mind that is preventing her from receiving God's word on this matter.

Two big things happened. Firstly, she grew up being told by her father that she must get a good education and a good job so that she will never be dependent on her husband. Secondly, we made love before we got married. This was a big thing for me as I had such relationships before and guilt killed me because of it. My wife was fine with it as she believed we would get married. We discussed this with a minister who said that the relationship would be doomed if we don't break up or get married.

I believe both these things have contributed heavily to our marriage's deterioration over the last two years. I pray very hard that these binds will be broken.

I sometimes feel like someone that is using religion as a last resort to get what I want. Talking about bindings and curses is something very new to me and I sometimes doubt, but if I look back to what God has giving me over the last 3 months in the form of comfort, I have to believe!!! The difficult bit is He keeps on saying "Trust Me. Endure this trial for it will not last for long." For a Mr. Fix-It like me that is very difficult.

Thanks for you reply. I just needed to talk to anyone. Was lonely on a Saturday evening.

 

[~Nikki~]

I don't know if you're interested, but my husband and I have some excellent messages on tape by a South African marriage counsellor/pastor (I noticed from your flag that you're from SA). We've also got one of his marriage seminars on video if you're interested...

If you would like us to post them to you, just PM me with your address and we'll send them asap... (they're by the same counsellor who worked with my in laws when their marriage was rocky)

God bless...

 

[Autumnleaf]

She says she sees me more as a brother than as a husband.

There's your trouble. Treat her like her dad treated her mom and she won't be able to say this about you anymore.

 

[HunterJG]

That would mean that I would have to treat her with disrespect and contempt. Maybe contempt is a bit of a harsh word, but if you knew them you would understand. I can honestly say (without patting myself on the back) that my wife will have to search far and wide to find someone that treated her as well as I do. I don't get that though. It seems that you have to treat a woman badly before for them to hang around. Strange.

The bible states very clearly what a man's role is in a marriage and I can honestly say that I did not do a lot of those things. I can only hope that I get an oppertunity to rectify that. I grew up without a father so I was flying blind regarding what a marriage is all about. I believe God still has a plan for us. Not sure what that is, but I'm waiting on Him to tell me.

 

[Autumnleaf]

That would mean that I would have to treat her with disrespect and contempt. Maybe contempt is a bit of a harsh word, but if you knew them you would understand. I can honestly say (without patting myself on the back) that my wife will have to search far and wide to find someone that treated her as well as I do. I don't get that though. It seems that you have to treat a woman badly before for them to hang around. Strange.

The bible states very clearly what a man's role is in a marriage and I can honestly say that I did not do a lot of those things. I can only hope that I get an oppertunity to rectify that. I grew up without a father so I was flying blind regarding what a marriage is all about. I believe God still has a plan for us. Not sure what that is, but I'm waiting on Him to tell me.

Treat her like God treats you. When you do right you're blessed, when you do wrong or take God for granted... Its not about being mean so much as being real. She needs a reason to respect you. If there is no reason to do it she probably won't which sounds like where you are at.

 

[HunterJG]

So things have changed quite drastically over the weekend. My wife moved into her own place on Friday. On Friday evening I received a call from a very distresse wife. Very sad about everything, lonely and just plain sad. She's been reading Captivating by John & Stasi Elderegde and I think it has been touching her in a big way. I agreed to see her on Saturday. We went for dinner, shared some very nice things regarding what God has been doing in our lives. Lots of tears. She spent the night and now all of a sudden reconsiliation is a big topic for her. She also asked me to spend the night at her place last night as she was scared. (I know, I'm a sucker!) I didn't enjoy it as it is not my home.

My head is in a knot today. I really want things to work out, but I'm not going to have it happen on her terms. Not saying it will all be on my terms, but I know that left up to her we will get back together (quickly) and issues will never be sorted out. I want things to be worked out once and for all, but I also don't want to make such a big deal out of it that it kills the little that is left. What do I do? I'm praying very hard and I'm willing to wait patiently for a response from God. My wife is however not going to be so patient.

Any advice out there? Prayers will also be appreciated.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Change comes slowly if at all. I would suggest the only change you need is for your wife to respect you consistently. The rest is gravy after that. Keep praying to God and loving your wife, and call her on it when she gets to acting stupid. ie...

Come stay at MY house dh, lonely... I'm so lonely.

No, you come stay at our house when you are ready to come home.

 

[car501]

Change comes slowly if at all. I would suggest the only change you need is for your wife to respect you consistently. The rest is gravy after that. Keep praying to God and loving your wife, and call her on it when she gets to acting stupid. ie...

Come stay at MY house dh, lonely... I'm so lonely.

No, you come stay at our house when you are ready to come home.

AMEN ! I agree 100% with that statement. That may be that she wants you there becuase she's afraid of being alone in a place by herself or feeling lonely.

 

[HunterJG]

Things have changed quite a lot since I have last posted anything. I'm back in the country after two weeks in Europe. A bit of business and visiting some friends in London. My wife insisted on talking everyday (wait until my boss sees my mobile bill!!!) and it was all good. Looked forward to seeing me again once I came back. She spent most of the time at our home looking after the dogs which was very nice.

Once I came back I received the best welcome ever, but we have also had some fights after that. My take on it: I need to chat about some aspect just so we are on the same page. Her take: I'm attacking her for what she has done wrong! She has a lot of guilt to deal with and she feels no one will ever forgive her. I want to confirm this, but it would seem it comes out wrong every time. No matter how hard I try to make it come out right.

Maybe I just need to keep quiet and be patient, but I'm afriad things just return to the bad things we experienced. I also don't want her to think that I'm just rolling over and letting her run with things. Her family has a bad habit of ignoring things until they go away and then they never talk about it again. I don't want to talk forever about things that are over, but I would like to know that we are on the same page before we move forward.

Thursday is our 4th anniversary. We are also going away for the weekend. It would be great if you guys could pray that it will be blessed.

Thanks

 

[heartnsoul]

Once I came back I received the best welcome ever, but we have also had some fights after that. My take on it: I need to chat about some aspect just so we are on the same page. Her take: I'm attacking her for what she has done wrong! She has a lot of guilt to deal with and she feels no one will ever forgive her. I want to confirm this, but it would seem it comes out wrong every time. No matter how hard I try to make it come out right.

Sounds like both of you need learn how to constructively communicate to one another without each other feeling "attacked." It's a good thing that you want to communicate to her and talk about things that are bothering you...but communicating your feelings without sounding like you're blaming her. There are lots of good books and resources out there on how to effectively communicate. Men and women are wired differently anyway, so it will take some work for both of you to learn how to fight "fair" and work out conflicts without attacking each other. It may even be in your best interest to maybe join some marital workshops/seminars out there or see a licensed counselor who is qualified to help you both work on communication skills.

May God help both of you build a stronger relationship and may both of you be reconciled in God's peace and love.

 

[bliz]

Are the two of you getting any counseling together?

It seems very clear that yoiu both would like to work on your relationship, but left to your own devices, things are likely to end up just as they did before. If you want a different outcome, some things are going ot have to be different. A third party who is trained in working with couples could being some perspective and help. I would strongly urge you to seek out a Christian counselor you both like and respect.

 

[HunterJG]

I would pay money for us to to get some counselling. Problem is my wife does not like talking. In general or to me. Asking her to talk to a third party is like pulling teeth!

Seriously though, things have been going so well over the last month and then today see feels it necessary to run away again for a day or to to "recharge her batteries" because she is frustrated that thing are not getting better.

Just to say again what the issue is. We have a great relationship, but out sex life is dead. She says she can't get back the attraction she had for me. I say lots has been done to kill it and those things can be rectified. Or am I kidding myself?

She says she will be back by the end of the weekend and I have no reason to not believe her, although I would not be surprised if she stays away. I'm so frustrated and angry!

How do I get her to talk? I want to be firm but not kill what is left. What do I do and how? I need lots of prayers tonight.

 

[llghoney]

I would pay money for us to to get some counselling. Problem is my wife does not like talking. In general or to me. Asking her to talk to a third party is like pulling teeth!

Seriously though, things have been going so well over the last month and then today see feels it necessary to run away again for a day or to to "recharge her batteries" because she is frustrated that thing are not getting better.

Just to say again what the issue is. We have a great relationship, but out sex life is dead. She says she can't get back the attraction she had for me. I say lots has been done to kill it and those things can be rectified. Or am I kidding myself?

She says she will be back by the end of the weekend and I have no reason to not believe her, although I would not be surprised if she stays away. I'm so frustrated and angry!

How do I get her to talk? I want to be firm but not kill what is left. What do I do and how? I need lots of prayers tonight.

Is your wife a christain? Also, it seems at this point in time you really need to focus on your spiritual walk with God. Put him FIRST. It seems like your wife is playing games with you. If you truly put God first the rest will work itself out. Take care of you next. God first then take care of yourself. Just pray for God to reveal in her heart an understanding. Pray for a conviction. You will be in my prayers as well!

 

[HunterJG]

Is your wife a christain? Also, it seems at this point in time you really need to focus on your spiritual walk with God. Put him FIRST. It seems like your wife is playing games with you. If you truly put God first the rest will work itself out. Take care of you next. God first then take care of yourself. Just pray for God to reveal in her heart an understanding. Pray for a conviction. You will be in my prayers as well!

Yes, she is a christian, although she has become a very hard person over the last two years. I blame it on her work environment. I have been focussing on God and putting Him first and the rewards have been tremendous. He has even brought about the start of a softness in my wife. I'm just struggling to keep things up as I continuously wnat to save my marriage myself. I'm just desperate at the moment. I know you are right, I'm just missing her so much. I'm tired of being sad.

 

[~Nikki~]

Keep it up! You just said that God has brought about the start of a softness in your wife. That's great! Hang in there and wait to see what else God will do!

Sometimes it takes more than a few months; sometimes even years...but in twenty years time when you two are blissfully happy, then you'll be able to look back at this and say it's all been worth it. And what a testimony to God's grace and power you'll have to share with others who are going through the same...God will bring good out of this if you guys hang in there.

If your wife won't go for counselling, can't you and she sit down and find all the verses which tell a husband how to relate to his wife, and which tell the wife how to relate to her husband? Then can't you decide that you will both do your part, in doing exactly what those verses say? God is the master counsellor and if you two decide to work things out, then God has the best way of doing it for sure...the intimacy side of things will come when you're both relating to each other the way God wants you to.

God bless you both...

 

[Leanna]

You guys definitely could use the counseling.... it could really help you. What about if you just tell her you're going to sign up, then you do, and tell her when it is? I mean.... rather than having a "how do you feeeel about counseling" conversation, just be pro-active and positive about it.

Oh and take this emotional needs questionaire. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

See if you are meeting each other's emotional needs... it will be easier for her to "feel love" if you do

 

[HunterJG]

Thanks guys for all the responses. I really needed it. I had a really bad night. Almost no sleep and this continuing desperation in the back of my mind. It's in times like these that a person realises the spiritual battle that's raging out there. I was continuously praying for peace and calmness last night and God heard my prayers, bu the devil is always there to try and take it away immediately. The struggle sometimes feel just to much, but if I look at what God has done already I have to smile. My faith just sometimes fails me and it feels as if I should be doing something. Don't know if you guys read "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers. This wanting to do something on my own is where the devil has me pinned. I have been trying to break that binding with God's help and slowly but surely it's getting there. Funny how he ups the attacks when he starts losing! I really need you guys to pray with me about this. Firstly that I will continue to trust in God and what he can do and to continue seeking Him. I can't affford to dothis the wrong way around and obviously secondly, it would be awesome if you could continue praying for my marriage.

Thanks for all the support. God bless all of you.

 

[llghoney]

Will be praying for you!!!! I can really feel where you are coming from!!! Just remember to keep God first at ALL times!

God bless!