Seperated and need advice

[billtymo]

I am 46 years married 22 years with 4 kids (20-14). My wife told me she did not love me anymore 8 months ago. We tried counsoling but she stopped after the first session and even went to a retrovaille weekend (she complained and fell asleep through half of it). I did all the usually begging and crying (which was wrong from the first place) and that did not work. Finally 5 weeks ago she said she needed space and I agreed to move out. I was the ultimate enabler and moved to my parents house in the hope that it would be temporary. Now, just a few weeks ago I saw her at the movies with another guy ("just a freind on a date"). I was with my sister going to the see the Passion and just blew my top. Now, the question is to anyone out there, should I just move back in and let her make the choice of moving out. There has been no abuse in our relationship and I just cannot figure it out. For me divorce is not my option and I have told her that she would have to make the choice on her own. It has brought me closer to God and my children but I think I have made it too easy for her. Any thoughts Bill

 

[wandering_celt]

I've put off responding to your post for a couple of hours now because I don't wish to be the bearer of bad tidings.

I'm 45, have 3 kids, am separated for 10 months after almost 20 years of marriage. We tried a couple of counseling sessions and then she said it wasn't doing any good. She was tired of living in a loveless marriage. ( Funny, I still loved her. ) A "friend" from the internet moved to the area and sat at the head of the table at Thanksgiving. I had moved out in summer and was living with my parents. Yada-yada. I guess you might be seeing the parallels by now.

During the time I was consulting a lawyer regarding my legal separation, he did a reality check with me. I had pointed out that my wife had lost weight, was dressing rather young, gotten a sporty car, and ( thanks to my help ) had a job where she could travel and meet new and exciting people. Including spending some time with a business associate while out of town ( see Thanksgiving above ). He finally just said, " Hey, she's sleeping with the guy, man!" I hated to acknowledge it, but in my heart I knew it was true. I also knew that I known it for awhile.

He also stated what I had been thinking- that if she were a man people would be laughing about her midlife crisis.

I don't tell you all this to make you feel worse. I tell you this because I want you to be prepared for the possible hurt. You'll have to look at the facts for yourself. I know that I'm seeing myself in your post, and I hope that I'm only projecting there. Please protect yourself emotionally, financially, and legally. Good luck with the kids. I know that's hard. I was primary caregiver and because of the laws in my state, and the legal costs I don't have the money to cover, she has physical custody of the kids.

Take care and I'll pray for you. Wish I could do more. There are a lot of folks here with ideas. Please come back again.

 

[oldrooster]

Billtymo - that was a whole lot like my story. I ditto Wandering Celts advice, just protect yourself.

 

[brettnolan]

I am 46 years married 22 years with 4 kids (20-14). My wife told me she did not love me anymore 8 months ago. We tried counsoling but she stopped after the first session and even went to a retrovaille weekend (she complained and fell asleep through half of it). I did all the usually begging and crying (which was wrong from the first place) and that did not work. Finally 5 weeks ago she said she needed space and I agreed to move out. I was the ultimate enabler and moved to my parents house in the hope that it would be temporary. Now, just a few weeks ago I saw her at the movies with another guy ("just a freind on a date"). I was with my sister going to the see the Passion and just blew my top. Now, the question is to anyone out there, should I just move back in and let her make the choice of moving out. There has been no abuse in our relationship and I just cannot figure it out. For me divorce is not my option and I have told her that she would have to make the choice on her own. It has brought me closer to God and my children but I think I have made it too easy for her. Any thoughts Bill

Fortunately, in your case, custody(physical) of the kids should not be an issue because of their ages. But my lawyer told me that moving out prior to the divorce was as good as a concession of abandonment. I'd move back in, especially if your kids are still living there. Make her do all the work, she's the one catting around town.

 

[billtymo]

I am currently on vaction until the 17th and am planning to move in on Sunday without her consent or forwarning. I keep vasilating between just letting things sit and staying away or taking a firm nonemotional stance and letting her make the decision to move out, stay or just go ahead and file. I currently have to drive 35 minute to pick my son up for school and then drive him another 30 minutes to school before I even get to work. Then I repeat it after work. This is 3-4days per week and it is making me nuts. So I have to do something. I keep thinking that maybe she will turn around but if I move back in that will push her further (all though I don't know how much further since she already told me "there is no way we are getting back together so get that out of your head") Any more thoughts would be helpful

 

[brettnolan]

I'd move back in regardless of the other circumstances. Until the divorce is final, the house is still as much yours as hers. Make her make the move. She's the one that wants out.

By the way, why can't she drive the boy to school?

 

[billtymo]

thanks brettnolan. She drives my youngest to school and I drive the other one. I am 95% positive that I am moving back. This whole thing is ****. I felt that by leaving the house it would give her time but not time to date around. When I saw her before I left she could not even look me in the eye. Oh Well

 

[bkg]

thanks brettnolan. She drives my youngest to school and I drive the other one. I am 95% positive that I am moving back. This whole thing is ****. I felt that by leaving the house it would give her time but not time to date around. When I saw her before I left she could not even look me in the eye. Oh Well

I bought a book called "How God WILL Restore Your Marriage" from RestoreMinistries.org. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone who is not yet divorced and still has a chance to save the marriage.

Remember this, as I've learned the hard way: The commitment to your vows: to honor, cherish, love, does not end just because divorce is looming. Also, your wife is NOT your enemy, though our manly pride often has us defending and/or attacking... Show your wife love, not anger... please...