I am looking for a little help, advice, or anything else you can offer. I will try to be brief, but I feel it is important that I give you a little back ground of things that have happened with/to her, so you can fully understand her. I have been separated from my wife for 6 weeks today. I am still devastated. It hasnt got any easier to accept. We have been married for 9+ yrs, and together in a relationship for almost 12 yrs. Its been a good marriage, not many actual marriage problems. It sounds crazy, but I truly do believe we are soul mates meant to be together. We enjoy everything the other person enjoys. We have fun doing everything we do together. We enjoy all the same hobbies, we even work in the same fields. Not together but same line of work, so we understand each other when talking about work stuff. This has probably been our biggest downfall. Liking all the same stuff, it created a codependency dynamic. I don't believe in divorce, and I don't won't out daughter to grow up in a broken family.
Background/History
1st problem, has been her struggle with smoking. She quit many years ago, but it has continued to be a struggle. Over the years, from time to time, she has started back smoking. Instead of being honest about it, she has always tried to hide it. When I would ask her if she was smoking again, she would always say no. But before long I would always either find her smokes, or catch her red handed. We would have a fight, mainly over her being dishonest.
2nd problem, sometime during the first 4 years of marriage she managed to secretly run up $20,000+ in credit card debt. I didnt know about the debt or the credit cards. She had 8-10 different cards. She has also borrowed $5,000 from her mom, trying to play catch up so I wouldnt find out. There was no excuse for the debt either. We have both been blessed with really good jobs, and make good money. There was no excuse for the debt other than poor money management. A big chunk of the debt was bank fees and interest. We took out a loan against my paid off truck, and started using the Dave Ramsey method to pay off debt. All the credit cards were cancelled and cut up, and I started handling the family finances.
3rd problem, she has always enjoyed playing softball since we first met. About yr 5, She broke her ankle. It healed up and she went back to playing. Broke it again tearing tendons or ligaments this time. Between breaking it twice and spraining it several times she developed a nerve condition know as Reflex Sympathy Disorder. This is a condition were the nerves randomly send pain signals to the brain. Area affected will bruise and swell just like its been broke again. I didnt wont her to play ball anymore and risk it, and dr.s recommended against it. She did not like this at all. But she did accept it and quit playing.
4th problem was created by this. Due to the constant pain, and limited use of her ankle, and not being able to play something she loves, she became depressed. Finally opened up to me one night about it, it was bad, she went to counseling. The puts her on medication and counseled her for about a yr. She seemed to get better. Then terminated both said they thought she was ok.
After counseling was behind her, and everything seemed to be going good. She told me she thought she would like to start a family. I had been ready for some time. I asked her if she mentioned this to her counselor. She said they had talked about it, and the counselor didnt know any reason for her not to. Se we started trying. We were blessed and after just 2 months became pregnant. Pregnancy went well till 25 weeks when she was diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia. Baby had to be delivered at 32 weeks. Thankfully all prayers were answered, both momma and baby was healthy. But still changed everything. Baby had to spend 3.5 weeks in NICU in a town 2 hrs away. We commuted back & forth everyday. After we brought her home, Dr.s recommended not having her out in public for 6 months, and we had 6 months of feeding every 3 hrs. For the past 2 yrs since the baby was born everything seemed great. I thought we were doing better than we ever had. Having a family, I was happier than ever before.
In June, her older brother had to go to the ER for stomach pain. While testing he was diagnosed with cancer. Some more test were done, and it was found the cancer had spread thru his entire body. Dr.s said there was nothing they could do. Gave him approx. 6 months to live.
Approx. 8 weeks ago, she informed me via email from the other couch that she had something to tell me, and it wasnt going to be easy. She was having problems as work. Things had got out of hand. Long story short, she had got into it with some of her coworkers. Girls being girls in a small office, the drama began. Rumors started to fly and the claws came out. Ended up starting a investigation, and she was receiving 2 week suspension of unpaid leave. I over reacted. She was acting as if this was no big deal. Now in my mind, you dont get 2 weeks suspension if you didnt do anything wrong. Then to top it all off, she had known about this for close to 2 months, but didnt tell me until the week prior to suspension. I felt I had been lied to/deceived. This caused a big fight. She stayed at her sisters the next 2 nights, but then came home. She even brought her investigation/suspension papers. They did in fact say they had found no evidence of her doing any wrong doing, but since this had adversely affected work she was still receiving 2 weeks of suspension. Since this time, she has lost 2 of her best friends that were involved in this, and found out others she thought were friends were not. Like I said very good job. She has been there almost 15yrs now. But since all this she hates her job. She cant stand going into work. She has been calling in sick and taking vacation days left and right. She is looking for another job, but hard to find anything with similar pay.
It seemed we had moved past all this. Until 6 weeks ago today. We dropped off the baby at my parents and went out to eat. We was sitting there holding hands, talking, waiting for our food. She seemed distant, so I asked her what was wrong. She said, not now, we will talk about it when we get home. I assumed it was something with work. We ate, picked up the baby and went home. That night after we laid the baby down, I asked her again. Now I wish I never would have. There was a lot of talking, but the main point of the conversation she said, I dont think I am in love with you anymore. I love you, but I dont feel in love with you. This devastated me. I was floored, I never seen it coming. We talked for a long time. I mentioned marriage counseling, but she said no, it wouldnt help. Said she was willing to work on things, but didnt know that anything would change. The next day, she informed me she would not be staying here. Said we needed to have a trial separation. I didnt like this ideal, but I clearly wasnt making the decisions. She has been staying at her sisters most nights since that time. 1 or 2 nights a weeks, she will stay at her friends house whom lives just up the road from ours. Her sister and me are close. She said she thought she may be depressed, said all she does is come in and sleep. She appears to have become really selfish. She has started back smoking, started playing softball, and she isnt even spending much time with our daughter.
The first week, we hardly talked, She would pick up or drop off our daughter, it was like she didnt want to look at me.
The second week, the ackwardness faded and we were able to talk about general stuff.
The third week. She invited me to attend a family reunion with her. Said she wanted me there, it didnt have anything to do with appearences. We had a good time together. However during this week out daughter started being really clingy. She would cry anytime either us went to leave. She had never been like that before.
The forth week, she invited me to come to her moms for Sunday dinner. I went and we were having fun again. I brought up about how our daughter was acting. I asked her to come home, told her she could work on things here. One of us could sleep in the extra bedroom. She didnt like that. Said I was trying to use out daughter to make her come home. Made excused as to why she had been crying and clingy. So backstep this week. Several day not talking again. Think she quit wearing her rings at this point. Only time she wears them is to work. She also told her sister that she thought me doing the finances was my way of controlling her, and that since I doubted her about work, that I dont trust her.
The fifth week, we started talking a little more.
The 6th week (current week) bump in the road on Tuesday. Found out her brothers cancer is spreading much faster. Her mom had the hospice nurse call her, because she could handle the news. My wife had to talk to the nurse, and then share the news with all her family that they said they needed to make final plans he wouldnt be here much longer. This wiped her out. On Wed. she asked me if she could stay at the house to get away from it all. I told her it was her house to, she didnt have to ask. When I got home from work she was awake. She came thru and we talked for a while. She then said she was going back to bed. A min or two later she hollered for me. She asked me, dont take this to be more than it is, but would you like to lay back here with me until I fall asleep. It was just that, she didnt want held, just for me to be there. She has called me about everyday at work just to talk this week. Even been hanging out at the house for a little while when she would drop off or pick up our daughter. Yet last night, she goes out bar hopping with two of her friends that are both divorced. May have not been nothing but a girls night, but I dont know.
I have had a hard hard time with this. Been thru the full works from alcohol, not sleeping, not eating, Negative thoughts, etc. So I have started focusing on my relationship with God and church. I pray for us constantly. I pray for guidance on what to do. I am trying to stay positive. Stay strong. Trying to be patient with her, give her space, yet show her I still love her. Is there any hope for us? If you have any advice you can offer, please do. I would appreciate any help or encouragement I can get.
Thanks
Background/History
1st problem, has been her struggle with smoking. She quit many years ago, but it has continued to be a struggle. Over the years, from time to time, she has started back smoking. Instead of being honest about it, she has always tried to hide it. When I would ask her if she was smoking again, she would always say no. But before long I would always either find her smokes, or catch her red handed. We would have a fight, mainly over her being dishonest.
2nd problem, sometime during the first 4 years of marriage she managed to secretly run up $20,000+ in credit card debt. I didnt know about the debt or the credit cards. She had 8-10 different cards. She has also borrowed $5,000 from her mom, trying to play catch up so I wouldnt find out. There was no excuse for the debt either. We have both been blessed with really good jobs, and make good money. There was no excuse for the debt other than poor money management. A big chunk of the debt was bank fees and interest. We took out a loan against my paid off truck, and started using the Dave Ramsey method to pay off debt. All the credit cards were cancelled and cut up, and I started handling the family finances.
3rd problem, she has always enjoyed playing softball since we first met. About yr 5, She broke her ankle. It healed up and she went back to playing. Broke it again tearing tendons or ligaments this time. Between breaking it twice and spraining it several times she developed a nerve condition know as Reflex Sympathy Disorder. This is a condition were the nerves randomly send pain signals to the brain. Area affected will bruise and swell just like its been broke again. I didnt wont her to play ball anymore and risk it, and dr.s recommended against it. She did not like this at all. But she did accept it and quit playing.
4th problem was created by this. Due to the constant pain, and limited use of her ankle, and not being able to play something she loves, she became depressed. Finally opened up to me one night about it, it was bad, she went to counseling. The puts her on medication and counseled her for about a yr. She seemed to get better. Then terminated both said they thought she was ok.
After counseling was behind her, and everything seemed to be going good. She told me she thought she would like to start a family. I had been ready for some time. I asked her if she mentioned this to her counselor. She said they had talked about it, and the counselor didnt know any reason for her not to. Se we started trying. We were blessed and after just 2 months became pregnant. Pregnancy went well till 25 weeks when she was diagnosed with Pre-Eclampsia. Baby had to be delivered at 32 weeks. Thankfully all prayers were answered, both momma and baby was healthy. But still changed everything. Baby had to spend 3.5 weeks in NICU in a town 2 hrs away. We commuted back & forth everyday. After we brought her home, Dr.s recommended not having her out in public for 6 months, and we had 6 months of feeding every 3 hrs. For the past 2 yrs since the baby was born everything seemed great. I thought we were doing better than we ever had. Having a family, I was happier than ever before.
In June, her older brother had to go to the ER for stomach pain. While testing he was diagnosed with cancer. Some more test were done, and it was found the cancer had spread thru his entire body. Dr.s said there was nothing they could do. Gave him approx. 6 months to live.
Approx. 8 weeks ago, she informed me via email from the other couch that she had something to tell me, and it wasnt going to be easy. She was having problems as work. Things had got out of hand. Long story short, she had got into it with some of her coworkers. Girls being girls in a small office, the drama began. Rumors started to fly and the claws came out. Ended up starting a investigation, and she was receiving 2 week suspension of unpaid leave. I over reacted. She was acting as if this was no big deal. Now in my mind, you dont get 2 weeks suspension if you didnt do anything wrong. Then to top it all off, she had known about this for close to 2 months, but didnt tell me until the week prior to suspension. I felt I had been lied to/deceived. This caused a big fight. She stayed at her sisters the next 2 nights, but then came home. She even brought her investigation/suspension papers. They did in fact say they had found no evidence of her doing any wrong doing, but since this had adversely affected work she was still receiving 2 weeks of suspension. Since this time, she has lost 2 of her best friends that were involved in this, and found out others she thought were friends were not. Like I said very good job. She has been there almost 15yrs now. But since all this she hates her job. She cant stand going into work. She has been calling in sick and taking vacation days left and right. She is looking for another job, but hard to find anything with similar pay.
It seemed we had moved past all this. Until 6 weeks ago today. We dropped off the baby at my parents and went out to eat. We was sitting there holding hands, talking, waiting for our food. She seemed distant, so I asked her what was wrong. She said, not now, we will talk about it when we get home. I assumed it was something with work. We ate, picked up the baby and went home. That night after we laid the baby down, I asked her again. Now I wish I never would have. There was a lot of talking, but the main point of the conversation she said, I dont think I am in love with you anymore. I love you, but I dont feel in love with you. This devastated me. I was floored, I never seen it coming. We talked for a long time. I mentioned marriage counseling, but she said no, it wouldnt help. Said she was willing to work on things, but didnt know that anything would change. The next day, she informed me she would not be staying here. Said we needed to have a trial separation. I didnt like this ideal, but I clearly wasnt making the decisions. She has been staying at her sisters most nights since that time. 1 or 2 nights a weeks, she will stay at her friends house whom lives just up the road from ours. Her sister and me are close. She said she thought she may be depressed, said all she does is come in and sleep. She appears to have become really selfish. She has started back smoking, started playing softball, and she isnt even spending much time with our daughter.
The first week, we hardly talked, She would pick up or drop off our daughter, it was like she didnt want to look at me.
The second week, the ackwardness faded and we were able to talk about general stuff.
The third week. She invited me to attend a family reunion with her. Said she wanted me there, it didnt have anything to do with appearences. We had a good time together. However during this week out daughter started being really clingy. She would cry anytime either us went to leave. She had never been like that before.
The forth week, she invited me to come to her moms for Sunday dinner. I went and we were having fun again. I brought up about how our daughter was acting. I asked her to come home, told her she could work on things here. One of us could sleep in the extra bedroom. She didnt like that. Said I was trying to use out daughter to make her come home. Made excused as to why she had been crying and clingy. So backstep this week. Several day not talking again. Think she quit wearing her rings at this point. Only time she wears them is to work. She also told her sister that she thought me doing the finances was my way of controlling her, and that since I doubted her about work, that I dont trust her.
The fifth week, we started talking a little more.
The 6th week (current week) bump in the road on Tuesday. Found out her brothers cancer is spreading much faster. Her mom had the hospice nurse call her, because she could handle the news. My wife had to talk to the nurse, and then share the news with all her family that they said they needed to make final plans he wouldnt be here much longer. This wiped her out. On Wed. she asked me if she could stay at the house to get away from it all. I told her it was her house to, she didnt have to ask. When I got home from work she was awake. She came thru and we talked for a while. She then said she was going back to bed. A min or two later she hollered for me. She asked me, dont take this to be more than it is, but would you like to lay back here with me until I fall asleep. It was just that, she didnt want held, just for me to be there. She has called me about everyday at work just to talk this week. Even been hanging out at the house for a little while when she would drop off or pick up our daughter. Yet last night, she goes out bar hopping with two of her friends that are both divorced. May have not been nothing but a girls night, but I dont know.
I have had a hard hard time with this. Been thru the full works from alcohol, not sleeping, not eating, Negative thoughts, etc. So I have started focusing on my relationship with God and church. I pray for us constantly. I pray for guidance on what to do. I am trying to stay positive. Stay strong. Trying to be patient with her, give her space, yet show her I still love her. Is there any hope for us? If you have any advice you can offer, please do. I would appreciate any help or encouragement I can get.
Thanks
