separation or divorce?

[appleofHiseyes]

Hello everyone! I need some advice about my situation. For a start, I got married almost 5 years ago, but the last one and a half years we live with my husband separately. We both are members of the church. The reason I had to leave my husband was his alcohol addiction and abuse me and our little son. The first time I left him after year of living together, but he promised to change and I came back to him and gave him a second chance. But he has not changed, and a year later I left him. I was not passive, I fought for our marriage. Every church service I asked the brothers and sisters to pray for our family restoration, trying to take care of my husband, to support him all times.

He lost his relationship with God. Almost every night he spent with his "friends", it was normal for him to come home drunk at 3:00 am. It was the worst three years of my life. I was often depressed. At some point I realized that he might just kill me. So I left my husband with a condition if he will change, then we can be together again as family.

All this time I remain faithful to him. I remember my vows. My husband once came to visit our son. And while he called some woman with a proposal to meet. The volume of his phone was high and I could hear a woman's voice. I know he cheated on me during our marriage, but I could not prove it to have legitimate reasons for divorce.

I do not know what to do. In almost all cases, divorce is the point at the end, the separation is always the dots.

Of course I would like to be married again. I trust God, He is able to change everything.

Do I have the right to divorce my husband, or wait for his repentance?

Thanks!

 

[ecotime47]

Sorry you are going through this friend. I am praying for God to touch your husband's heart. You might want to consider calling Focus on the Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY. They offer free over the phone counseling with licensed, Christian therapists. They could probably give you some really good wisdom and guidance on this.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Just my view of course but being a drunk whose abusive isn't in the bible for reason to divorce. Now I am not saying that makes sense to me, just saying its what the bible says. As for the cheating, technically that is in the bible. But I cannot comment on that because I don't believe in divorce under any circumstance.

I think separating is the best idea instead of divorce. Giving him options and time to change. I realize some would say divorce is the next step, but it doens't mean it has to be. My parents know a couple who has been over 50 years. But for the last 30 years they have lived two separate lives in two separate cities. He has anger issues so she moved else where and said she would stay married to him and be willing to come back if he changes.

So far he doesn't care too. When asked why she would still bother then. She said essentially what I do about marriage, I will not divorce him, I made vows before God. If he wants to divorce me I will of course fight for our marriage still, but in the end if he still wants it then its on him. I held up to my end of the vow and God will be pleased with me for fighting for my marriage.

This is why I feel the same.

 

[iambren]

You have the right based on his infidelity. It's also wise to learn that your enabling efforts toward him have been reaping nothing.

 

[dorig59]

I agree with iambren. As for that couple who have been separated for 30 years but are still "technically" married, what is that? That's not being married. I think some people get a wee bit arrogant about this never divorce thing. She thinks God will be "pleased" with her for holding on to.......a piece of paper?

 

[ValleyGal]

A lot of people who are against divorce cite the passage in the OT "God hates divorce." But a careful study of the Hebrew (and the Greek, when Jesus quoted this verse) says that the Hebrew word is "shalach" and the Greek is "apoluo". These terms both mean "to send away without the divorce certificate." After all, even God divorced Israel for her many indiscretions with other gods. I have also recently read that the certificate of divorce said "you are free to marry any man."

God allowed Jews to divorce for adultery, abandonment, and hard hearts. Your husband has pretty much abandoned your marriage without giving you a certificate of divorce - thus allowing you to be free to marry someone else. You have given your husband plenty of time to come around and there is no evidence of interest in overcoming the addictions. You need to do what's right for you and your child. I do not believe it is honouring to God to stay in a limbo relationship that God admits that he hates (sending away without benefit of divorce).

 

[Hetta]

Hello everyone! I need some advice about my situation. For a start, I got married almost 5 years ago, but the last one and a half years we live with my husband separately. We both are members of the church. The reason I had to leave my husband was his alcohol addiction and abuse me and our little son. The first time I left him after year of living together, but he promised to change and I came back to him and gave him a second chance. But he has not changed, and a year later I left him. I was not passive, I fought for our marriage. Every church service I asked the brothers and sisters to pray for our family restoration, trying to take care of my husband, to support him all times.

He lost his relationship with God. Almost every night he spent with his "friends", it was normal for him to come home drunk at 3:00 am. It was the worst three years of my life. I was often depressed. At some point I realized that he might just kill me. So I left my husband with a condition if he will change, then we can be together again as family.

All this time I remain faithful to him. I remember my vows. My husband once came to visit our son. And while he called some woman with a proposal to meet. The volume of his phone was high and I could hear a woman's voice. I know he cheated on me during our marriage, but I could not prove it to have legitimate reasons for divorce.

I do not know what to do. In almost all cases, divorce is the point at the end, the separation is always the dots.

Of course I would like to be married again. I trust God, He is able to change everything.

Do I have the right to divorce my husband, or wait for his repentance?

Thanks!

Do not return to your husband at this time, for any reason, regardless of his promises, until/unless he goes into counseling and a counselor can confirm to you that he is working on his many problems. You and your son should not stay around to be abused, and you should not have sex with your husband until he has been checked for disease. I don't wish to alarm you, but as you suspect your husband has been unfaithful, you should also get yourself checked to make sure that he has not infected you from his infidelities. :/ I'm sorry to say this to you.

Are you involved in a church and do you have family and friends who are supportive of you?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Your husband has pretty much abandoned your marriage without giving you a certificate of divorce - thus allowing you to be free to marry someone else.

But then the bible also says remarrying is adultery if you have divorced. So how the bible say that be said if divorce is ok in her circumstance? Just curious since I see so many conflicting bible verses.

 

[dorig59]

Read her post again. It explains it very clearly & I concur with her. I've studied up on this myself & what she says is absolutely correct. There is no contradiction there.

 

[ValleyGal]

But then the bible also says remarrying is adultery if you have divorced. So how the bible say that bee said rif divorce is ok in her circumstance? Just curious since I see so many conflicting bible verses.

The reason there appears to be contradictions on the subject is due to translation issues. Marrying again is not adultery after divorce (with a certificate of divorce), but marrying when a spouse is only "sent away" (shalach in Hebrew or apoluo in Greek) without the certificate, they can't remarry because they are still technically married. It has never been adultery to marry again after a proper, legal divorce.

 

[dorig59]

And to shed more light on the subject, you may be wondering why anyone would send their spouse off without a certificate of divorce.

The way things worked back then was when a couple got married, the brides father would pay the groom a "bride price." In the event that the husband divorced the wife he would then be obligated to pay the bride price back to her family. So if he sent her away & technically was not divorcing, then he wouldn't pay it back. Got it?

This is another one of those things where it also helps to know the culture of the time.

 

[dayhiker]

Adding to the above .. the divorce certificate said, "You are free to marry any man." One variation said, "You are free to marry any Jewish man." That certianly isn't a message that would be written if the men felt that when their women remarried they would be committing adultery.

 

[ecotime47]

That's really good input on the culture at the time. It definitely changes the way you look at it.

 

[Yahu]

Do I have the right to divorce my husband, or wait for his repentance?

Thanks!

In the eyes of man yes. In the eyes of God, if you leave you should never remarry unless it is restoration with your husband.

 

[iambren]

Matthew 19:9

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery...

Meaning: if you put away for fornication and marry another it's NOT adultery.

 

[Yahu]

Matthew 19:9

And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery...

Meaning: if you put away for fornication and marry another it's NOT adultery.

But a woman was put aside for fornication if found not to be a virgin on her wedding night. She was immediately returned to her father as unfit.

 

[appleofHiseyes]

thanks so much for all your replies! I really appreciate it.

I was just curious to know the opinion of other Christians. The pastor of our church is silent about this issue.

Most of all, I will not file for divorce. The best option I see to be alone and to seek the blessings in my current status. God is faithful and He know everything.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't think that is the situation as the Greek work we get fornication meant prostitution back then. Actually, the Greek word still means prostitution today.

The woman who was found to not be a virgin when she said she was is one of the situation the Jews divorced a woman for as you point out. My point is that it wasn't tied to this Greek word.

But a woman was put aside for fornication if found not to be a virgin on her wedding night. She was immediately returned to her father as unfit.

 

[Yahu]

I don't think that is the situation as the Greek work we get fornication meant prostitution back then. Actually, the Greek word still means prostitution today.

The woman who was found to not be a virgin when she said she was is one of the situation the Jews divorced a woman for as you point out. My point is that it wasn't tied to this Greek word.

The same is true of the old testament. Fornication was participating is the paganistic sexual worship. The groves were a place of ritual prostitution, public sex acts with the Asherah Poles. It was a place of feasting, drinking, dancing, pick up a stranger for causal sex or paying a prostitute. To be involved in that type of sexual behavior was what fornication was used to reference.

Sex within any kind of relationship wasn't fornication. It was taking a concubine as long as the woman wasn't married that would turn it into adultery.

Generally fornication is directly tied with idolatry. That idolatry was full of sexual worship.

In that paganism, a woman gave up her virginity and became a ritual prostitute in the grove. After she had her first child that was offered to Molech graduated to using the largest Asherah Poles, then she could have the pagan god's blessing to marry. Of course when she married, her new husband found she had destroyed her body in that pagan worship. She could be returned to her father's household.

 

[dayhiker]

Yahu,
Yup and that is why porneia was such a strong sin. Ties in nicely with 1 Cor.10:1-13