separated wife doesnt want to make a move-help!

[outdoorman]

Its been a while since ive been on the forum. Jan this year,My wife moved out leaving me and 15 yr old son because she says finally fed up with 24 yrs of 'verbal abuse' from me and recent intrusion in family matters by my mother. Anyways, she has it very comfortable living in our home in ATL (5 hrs away) and drawing unemployment so not having to work. She originally said she was going to work on getting herself counseling and deciding what to do in our marriage, but we speak often and it is very apparent that although she admits Ive made changes in myself, she is not ready to either work on our marriage through counseling, or move on by getting a divorce. Truth is she is somewhat evasive in trying her to commit to doing anything about putting our family back together. She talks about wanting to be happy in a relatiionship but not wanting to try with me or ready to move on with someone else. She says she feels differently on different days.

 

[peacechild4]

You have to decide if you are willing to wait some or do a bit more your end if that is possible... I waited and nothing else came of it.. though we are good friends.. thats not enough and we are still living separate lives.. I got counselling which has helped me sort through my own feelings and see I have done all I can do.. you cannot change or help another person who doesn't want it..

I will pray for your family and for wisdom from GOD for you..

 

[mkgal1]

Are you saying that you haven't verbally abused her? Do you have a different opinion about the instrusion by your mother....or do you agree with her on that? If so (that you agree)....have you reassured her that it won't happen again?

Here is....IMO...a great article about dealing with in-law instrusions....maybe it will give you some insight into what she is feeling....she may just be waiting for you to "make a move".......

Second, your mate views your unwillingness to stop these intrusions into your family as a betrayal. Your mate believes that every time you take your parents’ side or do nothing to stop your parents’ intrusion, you are betraying your vows to honor your mate above all others. Betrayal is one of the deepest offenses that can ever be inflicted upon the heart of your spouse. This betrayal will create tremendous anger and will drive you and your spouse further apart with each infraction.

What should you do with an intrusive in-law problem?

1. Is there really a problem? First, every husband and wife must come to an agreement that there is a problem. This sometimes is difficult to agree upon because perhaps your spouse doesn’t see the intrusive behavior of their parent as a problem. Other times your definition of intrusive and your mate’s definition may differ. Remember Solomon’s wisdom to help in your definition: The frequency of anyone coming into your house is an important indicator of intrusion. He taught us, "Seldom set foot in your neighbor's house, lest he become weary of you and hate you" (Prov. 25:17). To fully sort out your different views will first require the two of you communicating specifically about what bothers you about one another’s in-laws. If you cannot come to an agreement concerning what to do, consider getting input from your pastor to determine what a normal in-law relationship should be.

However, at a minimum, if one spouse is uncomfortable with an in-laws’ interference in the marriage, then some change or compromise must occur. Are you willing to listen to your spouse and make the necessary changes? Or, will you resist any change or counseling help? Your reaction will determine how quickly you will be able to resolve this issue.

Dealing With In-Laws

 

[BigDaddy4]

Its been a while since ive been on the forum. Jan this year,My wife moved out leaving me and 15 yr old son because she says finally fed up with 24 yrs of 'verbal abuse' from me and recent intrusion in family matters by my mother. Anyways, she has it very comfortable living in our home in ATL (5 hrs away) and drawing unemployment so not having to work. She originally said she was going to work on getting herself counseling and deciding what to do in our marriage, but we speak often and it is very apparent that although she admits Ive made changes in myself, she is not ready to either work on our marriage through counseling, or move on by getting a divorce. Truth is she is somewhat evasive in trying her to commit to doing anything about putting our family back together. She talks about wanting to be happy in a relatiionship but not wanting to try with me or ready to move on with someone else. She says she feels differently on different days.

Are you going to counseling? If not, what tangible evidence is there of you making lasting changes that led to her leaving you? It seems she has feelings of betrayal of trust. You can't just tell her you've changed and dealt with you mother's intrusion without some kind of evidence to back it up.

My advice is for you to work on you for the time being and let God work on her. Pray specifically for her and for you.

I have an idea of what you are going through and it sucks. But I will be praying for God to restore your marriage.

 

[peacechild4]

If you seek GOD with all you have.. HE will show you what to do and sometimes that means we will come back together better then ever before and sometimes it is because he has something better for us.. it is never one sided.. as nice as we might like to think we are.. GOD will take you through this.. and help you become all HE has in store for you.. Dwell in HIS presence.. learn more from HIM it will help with the between time.. it is very hard but HE can hide us in a secret place and comfort us and build us up till we know which way to go.. continuing to pray for you..

 

[If Not For Grace]

Outdoor: What do you want and why?

 

[outdoorman]

Yes, I have been mean mouthed in my words, when I became irritable and I was controlling. She otherwise says I have lots of good qualities. Since she first left I have repented. first to God, then to her. I have gone to counseling and prayed and done some reading to try to figure out how I can make changes in myself. I have spoken with my mother and she understands I will not allow any further interference. Even though my wife sees the changes she says she is enjoying the freedom and says that my changes are only because she left. she is very easy to become irritable and argumentative, really over nothing happening now. She says she forgives me, but cant forget the past. she says she is done with my mother. What bothers me now is that she is living in the home we both worked so hard to payoff and is always either staying over with her female friends house or having one of them over there or going out. she is talking with them about some personal things one of our sons is dealing with (as well as about our marriage). when I asked her today if she discussed something very personal about our son she became very defensive saying that I was controlling and that she didnt have to tell me when they discuss anything even related to myself or my sons. She knows that I have always been private about very personal issues but she feels she doesnt ask me who and what i talk about so I shouldnt ask her. She is always telling me that we are separated to indicate that she feels free to do as she determines.

 

[Tony_R]

it's a hard issue to gauge. i'm in a similiar situation with my wife. she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. i've been asking God for acceptance when i pray. try hard to let God handle this situation. pray on what you want to say to her and how to approach her. God will listen and guide your words if you let him.

be confident when you feel it's time to talk with her. give her something to think about.

 

[outdoorman]

TonyR:I appreciate your comment about letting God handle the situation. I just prayed that after I read your comment. On the way home from work today, I had thoughts come to me that were similar to the type of controlling feeling of the past. I recognized them as being not from God and dont want to ever act on them to get my way. I guess I just have a hard time with her cold,insensitive way that she has become. It also bothers me that she is there her friends and their kids needs (obviously doesnt care about me) and does what I feel is token brief calls to our youngest son who lives with me. She does come to visit our son for a few days every month and stay in the house with him (and me). She refuses to go to any couseling or talk to a pastor/minister together about our marriage. This hurts alot.
IF NOT FOR GRACE: asked me what do I want and why. since she has left, I have wanted her to come back. she knows this. More lately, I have begun to question if this is really what I want. Do I want someone who doesnt want to be with me?or is it her hurting from the years of abuse that is speaking. I sometimes ask God what is the end of this going to bring. Im kinda afraid of the answer(possibly her deciding to tell me she decided to divorce or my getting tired and initiating divorce). I know I dont want this to continue on much longer.

 

[wpage]

Its a shame she is so far away. Plus one on recomending counseling. Speak with your pastor and see what is suggested there.

Pray to God for patience and wisdom some women are more sensitive to mens comments then others. Read your Bible for tips on marriage success.

Blessings on you and your boy.

 

[outdoorman]

its gotten worse over the past 2 days. the next day she wouldnt answer my calls or texts. finally yesterday am when i was at work she texted me that she had changed her mind about coming to spent time with our son (in the house Im in) this week. That my asking who was staying at our family home (where shes at 4 hrs away) and asking who was with her friends while we talked botherd her. also that asking if she shared some very personal things about our son made her feel like I was controlling her even in separation. she said she couldnt enjoy the last day of her friends visit after that.So now,when she gets here she will rent a hotel room for 2 nights instead of staying in the house with us for 5 days. she wants me to drop him off there. she also doesnt want to speak to me unless necessary about our son. she says she feels we havent been really separated and she wants to minimize our contacts (months ago, she told me we would spent holidays, some vacations and since she isnt working, she would visit several days at a time to minimize separation impact to our son). I feel so hurt and so many other things mixed up together,that i cant even focus at work so took off work today. I cant eat and cant enjoy anything. I feel if it werent for my 15 yr old son, I have no reason to stay here. Just want to get out of this stress. If I didnt own anything, I'd just quit my job, pack my truck and get away from it all. I get mixed feelings from anger, frustration, sadness and an impending feeling of doom ahead for my marriage. Dont know .