separated and interested. LONG STORY!

[stefacruz]

Hello everyone, God Bless you all. Well let me start off with a little big of my situation. I am 19 years old, very very mature for my age since i was obligated to mature early and i do not mind at all. married (ill get back to that in a minute) and a christian. I am very much in love with God and i do everything he says. I have a very very close relationship with my savior, therefore he speaks to me very clear. So Ive been with my now husband for 4 years, and throughout the course of those 4 years numerous amount of things happend. OH BTW i am a newby! i recently accepted jesus as my savior about 5 months ago. anyways well, my now husband was very abusive , physically and mentally abusive with me about 2 yrs into the relationship and as some of you know, me being a really ignorant girl would just think "oh i caused it, he fractured my toe because i [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed him off, he punched me in the eye because i yelled at him, he choked me because i dont want to have sex" get the point here? i would do what a typical abuse woman would do , put excuses for him, make my self believe i deserved it all and that he would change like he said he would. well making this story a little shorter , my husband enlisted in the army and left in march of this year. i was of course sad (oh i was living with him for a year before getting married) but i got over pretty quicly. well while he was in bootcamp, he would be the sweetest guy ever so i really believed the army made him change and appreciate me more. PLUS my mother was about to move with her new husband and i was already 18 years old so i HAD to stay behind, i was not welcomed into my mothers new family. I HAD to mature alot to be able to understand. Well my husband asked me to marry him while he was still in bootcamp, me being soo upset about my mother leaving and feeling like "wow, my life is really gonna change now, im finallly going to be happy and might as well, since im gonnna be left alone,i already lived with him, then why not get married." i said yes and married him july 3rd of this year when he came for a 4 day weekend. alright then i started to think of ALL the things hes done to me and become really upset i would even become extremly upset by just talking to him over the phone one of our main arguments was that i "was taking god too seriously" and i would get so frustrated with him by trying to make him understand that I WAS IN LOVE WITH GOD! i just wanted him to respect that but he wouldnt it, he would constantly put me down and call me a dumb b@#$# for believing so much and corny and all of that, i regreted getting married. and this started to happen when i started going to church! being a christian made me value myself more and realize this was not what god wanted for me! i did not deserve any of this and i did not deserve to be feeling this miserable with this man that i am not even living with yet! imagine when he comes back from his training HOW MISERABLE WOULD MY LIFE BE! so i fasted and prayed for like a whole week asking god if what was in my heart (emptyness, no love for my husband at all, no emotions towards him and this has been happening for about 2 years before getting married i would just force myself to believe i would get that love back) was it him ! "is this you god! are you removing all the people and things i dont need to give me something better? are you really going to be there for me?" gods simple answer was "TRUST ME, JUST PUT IT IN MY HANDS ILL TAKE CARE OF IT" so i did. and I ended up telling my husband i wanted to separate and that i wanted a divorce, and to my HUGE suprise he was not upset like i feared he would be, he was very understanding and I was very calmed as well, it was like a weight of my shoulders! i felt so awesome! well anyways, there is this guy at church that i did not even notice, i actually thought he was weird and did not want to be near him ! well i started to notice after being separated feeling sooo good, that this guy is a really nice guy, and i really liked him and it was not even all physical, it was deeper than that, he is just so real. well, i feel guilty about liking this guy and i soon find out after that this guy has asked my friend in church " is it true shes married!, shes so beautiful and just an down to earth girl" so of course i get all exited i couldnt believe this i mean what are the odds! so i ask myself, is this what god wants? im sure he doesnt want me to get into a relationship while being married still! but is he putting this man so i could see i deserve better, and this guy is like really respectful to the fact that IM STILL married, and he doesnt want to even get too close to me because of that, but im just upset that we both like each other and we cannot even do anything about it. im so sure god wants this, he wants us both to have something better (and he has been thru hell and back himself) so i guess hes also scared. im just really confuse about the whole situation, i dont know what to do or say. im just thinkinq i should just not do anything at all, and not even talk to the guy too much because if god really wants this then he will come to me, but then again what if im the one thats suppost to make the first move. its all very childish to me,the whole "should i talk to him or not" . please dont judge and tell me im way to young, i understand this, but please trust that i am NOT the typical 19 year old girl nowdays. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING !

 

[overit]

Ok-here goes....you're "seeing" this guy in a positive light because he seems such a contrast from your miserable life with your husband. It's a bandaid for your current pain.
Divorce your husband, do NOT look back-he's hit you several times, he abuses you-do NOT waste another day-you are very young and have a whole life ahead of you. He will abuse you again. I lived what you did at a very young age-married him despite how I was treated. Wasted 8yrs married to the man and years before that being with him-two kids later he's still "tied" somewhat to me and the abuse continues-Not constant like in marriage but it's still there.

Second step-and BELIEVE me when I say this-do NOT get involved right away. A woman that has been abused needs time to heal and learn to identify positive vs negative relationships and learn to survive alone before you will be ready for a new relationship. Even in a regular relationship gone sour you need time-with abuse you need even more. TRUST ME! I got into a couple casual relationships about 6 months or more after we split (however the decision to divorce I had made 2 yrs prior to his leaving the house-I spent all that time begging him to leave). AND it was kept simple-they served their purpose but then I went on to spend solo time-lots...read up some books on abuse-and find a website (I have a couple if you'd like) with some survivors and experts on the matter to help you out.

You need time to heal-God didn't place this guy in front of you, believe me. If it's meant to be down the road after alone time and healing-then fine-it'll happen right?. Worry about the divorce (which your husband will NOT take lying down-I guarantee you that much), and getting your life back on track and becoming independent and healing from the abuse-get therapy, find female friends that will be kind to you, find someone to counsel you.
A lot of times people use the new person to mask and not deal w/the pain of their current situations-it's not fair to the new person OR to you really.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Another thing people tend to do is fall in love with the idea of having thier needs met. This is another reason to be on your own for a while... so that when you do fall in love, it will be with the person.

Continue to grow in your walk with God and allow Him to heal your heart.

 

[JohnDB]

Just because you are in the deep water and not the wading pool doesn't mean that you are a swimmer yet. You have done a lot of splashing to keep your head above water...but you haven't gone anywhere yet and are getting hurt in the process.

Get a little older. Making decisions that are usually made by those older than you doesn't make you mature...it was something that was thrust upon you and your future has already been affected by some bad decisions...(age not being a factor in a failed marriage. Many do that and are older when they do it)

You first need to find out who you are. Where your place in society is. Where your relationship with God is going to lead. What kind of career you want. You have a long life in front of you with all kinds of things to discover that no one can tell you about. Granted finding some of them with someone else is fun.

Marriage is all about two independant people giving of themselves to each other. You are still looking for a lifeguard and someone to nurse your bruised ego that got bruised when you separated. STOP. Heal a bit first; gain standing in many ways yet before looking for a life partner. Make real friends in your community and be a part of it...then if you happen to meet a life partner it will be more gooder than you can imagine.

None of the things that we are talking about happen inside of six months or even a year...they take years to find and manage. You need to take a good long time to get them. Date if you feel you must but only after your divorce is finalized...and even then I would wait for a two year mark in doing that. Bring something to the table of a relationship other than looks and a whole list of needs.