Separated and have a serious problem and question

[alone_one]

I have been married for a short time (under two years). In that time my wife committed adultery, lied, stole from me, and used drugs. She had substance issues before we married, and together we had gotten her drug free prior to the marriage. She threw all that away shortly after marriage. I dealt with multiple promises of change after the marriage, all were broken. In fact, I now fully believe that the marriage was based on a pure lie - that she never even actually loved me and I was being played/used.

I am divorcing her, and feel completely justified in doing so. I am not pro-divorce. But this woman has been the most damaging thing to ever happen to me and I cannot deal with her lies etc, any longer.

I have struggled for years with Christianity. I found the faith in my 20's. I ended up walking away from it because I felt betrayed by the Christians I knew (in a situation I'd prefer not to get into). However, I never really walked away fully. I often think about God and Christian life/topics. But my faith has been a matter of private thoughts/study, and a struggle.

The problem is this: This marriage has ruined me in the following ways: emotionally, spiritually, and financially. The failure of my marriage has (on multiple occasions) driven me to the point of rage - but not just at my estranged wife. I find myself actually furious at God himself (to the point of extreme blasphemy and challenging God out of fury) for what has happened to my life.

I recognize that this is a sin. Anger is a sin that I am prone to (though I have never been physically abusive to anyone), and I need to work on that.

The question is this: Has anyone else struggled with these levels of anger at God because of an unfaithful spouse?

Thank you for any responses, thoughts and prayers in advance.

 

[FaithfulWife]

alone_one:

I can answer that question for you in one word: YES! In my past, my ex husband was Jewish and I thought he was cute and I knew better than G-d so I married him. We were married for several years, had two beautiful children and a pretty successful business, and then I discovery his adultery and that this had been FAR from the first...

I was really angry. I mean REALLY ANGRY. And you can ask anyone here, I'm one of the most peaceful, easy-going, gentle, positive people ever. You remember that scene in Forest Gump where Lt. Dan has it out with G-d in the middle of the storm? Yeah--that was me. I yelled and screamed and I'm sad to say that I said EXACTLY what I thought to G-d and it was not pretty. And inside I felt so angry too as if it was this awful goo bubbling up inside me.

Eventually I came to realize that to some degree some deep anger is part of the healing process. Lots of folks get STUCK there and spend the rest of their life seeking revenge against their ex--that's how those spiteful divorces occur. I have one word of advice for you and you're going to think I'm nuts and you don't need it...but I'll suggest it anyway. I suggest you voluntarily sign up for an anger management course. I did and at first I thought, "Man this was a huge mistake" but I kept at it and I learned a TON...not the least of which was "what is healthy anger and what is not."

Anyway yeah--when someone betrays you on this level it is more than normal to feel anger and even to feel anger toward G-d. You want to know the cool thing? He loves you like a Father, and as a Father wouldn't you let your child just SCREAM at you when you knew that in real life they were screaming from hurt and pain and not at you? He loves you still. Don't worry.



~Faithful

 

[alone_one]

Faithful,
Your response helped. I want to think about it, then I will write back.

Thanks

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I haven't had that type of anger against God, but I do know that God is big and can take it. But, how does God bear any responsibility in this situation? Did God tell you to marry this person? Were you asking God for direction and were you seeking wise counsel in your decision to marry?

God is not some Christians who treated you badly. Christians are supposed to be God's hands and His love should be evident through them, but folks mess up. Don't blame God for people who behave badly. We all have choices to make and should be responsible for those choices.

I had a relationship end a few years ago that truly baffled me. It was a very pure courtship and I fell hard for the man that I believed God had brought into my life. I didn't get it and I kept asking, "Why?!!!!!" I never got an answer, but I never doubted that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I feel blessed that I never lost hope or doubted God in that.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

I dealt with alot of anger at God with another situation... it wasn't about my marriage but when I gave birth to a premature baby after doing everything perfect in the pregnancy. I did come to realize that God gives us the things we need, not what we want... He's in charge and I have faith that all things happen for a reason. I was angry but I came to understand that He brought my daughter through everything and that He didn't leave me when I felt the most alone. I know you are hurting and angry but know that those things happened for a reason so that God can build you into the person He needs you to be... I have a friend who tells me all the time "Sometimes He's gotta break you down, in order to build you up the proper way"

Just know that you are not the only Christian who has felt this.... hope that helps some... ((((hugs))))

 

[alone_one]

Faithful,

Thank you again for that first response. It was very near to the problem with which I wrestle.

My wife, like you’re ex husband, is also very attractive, in appearance at least. Perhaps that blinded me, as men are often guilty of in such instances with women.

I can’t say that thinking I knew better than G-d had anything to do with my decision to marry her. I fell in love with her at first sight. Then we worked through her substance abuse and got her clean. In a way I think it was a situation where I became a knight in shining armor, rescuing her from her past (which is a role that most men have a weakness of falling into). Anyway, while she was kicking drugs she had an experience when she cried out to the Lord at a point of desperation (which I do believe actually happened), and her prayer was answered.

Powerful stuff, and I don’t say that lightly.

I thought she loved me, and maybe she did. I am not convinced any more. The relationship progressed, and I married her out of love and hope to build a family.

Back to knowing better than G-d . . . one of the things I found over the years is that He just doesn’t seem to be willing to reveal his ‘will’ for my life, at least not in any manner that I can understand. I am not saying that no one receives a ‘call’ from G-d, only that he doesn’t seem to have one for me. I think search for a ‘call’ tends to ends up a chasing of the emotional winds of our ‘feelings’; at least it was for me. Trying to figure out my ‘call’ did enormous damage to my spirituality years ago, and barring a communication like Paul got on the road to Damascus I just don’t trust MY feelings on what G-d’s ‘call’ for my life may or may not be. As far as I see all we are given is the scripture to follow. If we follow that, everything else just works out. I think we end up where we are supposed to be, and at the right time, as part of the grander plan. The whole issue of a ‘call’ led me to stumble years ago, and I have struggled with this very issue. In the end it helped me tremendously to drop the whole idea of trying to divine G-d’s will for my life, knowing that if I live according to scripture I am fulfilling His will for my life. If He has something else in mind, well, He knows how to get it through my thick skull, LOL.

I don’t think you are ‘nuts’ for suggesting anger management classes. You have never met me, and so it is a natural thought. I really doubt that spending the time/money on them is worthwhile. I know myself very well, and I have never acted out in a physical manner no matter how angry I have been. Also, I am very aware of when my anger is healthy and not (mostly not because it drives me in purely negative ways). I really feel that my CAPACITY for hate, fury and anger are probably the biggest issues I must deal with to be right with G-d. It is really a spiritual problem, and it stems from abandonment issues re: my biological father. He has known where to find me since he walked out on my family when I was very young (5 I think, but it is hazy), and has called me once in my entire life – then only because he wanted something from me. Of course my wife’s betrayal plays right into my abandonment issues, and wires straight into a source of absolute rage. That is the subtext to my problem; recurring instances of betrayal and abandonment which become a lightning rod straight to the worst parts of me.

As far as your analogy of G-d as a ‘Father’ figure, I have real problems with relating to father figures (because of the aforementioned issues with my biological father), so your vision is hard for me to picture myself in.

Thank you again for your helpful response.

 

[alone_one]

Eatenbylocusts,

Thank you for your post. Some of your thoughts are addressed in my response to Faithful.

I know that my anger against God is not justified. I am just reeling from a disaster that was my marriage. My feelings of anger and betrayal make me demand of God an answer for WHY I am being forced to suffer. I am hurt, and not even sure if I can actually fix my life, and not able to trust that He has any intention to help me. This situation makes me doubt that He really does care what happens to me. Worse, I am struggling on a purely spiritual level because this whole thing has (many times) made me feel like satan is more powerful, or at least he seems to be able to defeat God in my life.

I know that this is an illogical path of thought. But I am struggling with it. It feels like satan has proven more powerful and my life has unfairly and unjustly been destroyed.

I am sorry I must stop here because this is bringing me to a bad place.

 

[alone_one]

tryingtobeagain,

I thank you for your response. I need time to properly respond. Thank you for your patience.

 

[sweetdarcy]

Alone one,

There is a book called 'A Dad Shaped Hole' which is about how to relate to God when your earthly dad has disappointed you. Great book.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, I would argue that you are not being forced to suffer - and that God has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

"Forced to suffer" implies that you're being put through something against your will. While it might feel that way - you're not. God didn't pick that mate for you. You did. God didn't tell you to take those vows with that individual. That was your choice. What you are suffering are the consequences of a bad choice that you made.

It always amazes me how much people chalk up to God and give Him responsibility for. Simply put - God gave man free will. He (at least in my opinion) is not in the business of circumventing people from making jerks out of themselves if that's what they truly want to do. Rather - you (or your wife...or whoever) are free to be as big of a jerk as you want to be - and God ain't gonna stand in the way. Your life is yours to mold as you see fit - from birth to death. The same is true for your wife and her life. Whatever she wants to do - she is free to do.

You aren't like Job - who was minding his own business and suddenly had misfortune befall him through no choices of his own but had to endure. You picked the treacherous wife. That would be like if I went out and bought a car on a whim because of how it looked without researching about the vehicle. I only have myself to blame once it starts having problems. Maybe I should have waited to find a car which both appealed to me AND had good reports/reviews.

It sounds like you knew what you were getting into ahead of time as well.

Now, I'm not saying that stuff to be mean...but...channel that anger into something productive. Instead of worrying about why God allowed you to make a stupid decision - channel that anger to really convince yourself that you will not make that kind of mistake again.

 

[ido]

I never experienced anger at God for the person my ex chooses to be. My ex knew the things that he did that damaged our marriage and forced me to break our convenant and ask for divorce - yet he didn't care enough to correct them. I can't blame God for that.

When bad things happen, we have a choice - we can turn to God for comfort or we can turn away from Him in anger. I'm not saying one is right or one is wrong, but turning away from Him in anger usually results in a much longer journey to finding peace with a situation. JMHO

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I know that my anger against God is not justified. I am just reeling from a disaster that was my marriage. My feelings of anger and betrayal make me demand of God an answer for WHY I am being forced to suffer. I am hurt, and not even sure if I can actually fix my life, and not able to trust that He has any intention to help me. This situation makes me doubt that He really does care what happens to me. Worse, I am struggling on a purely spiritual level because this whole thing has (many times) made me feel like satan is more powerful, or at least he seems to be able to defeat God in my life.

I know that this is an illogical path of thought. But I am struggling with it. It feels like satan has proven more powerful and my life has unfairly and unjustly been destroyed.

I am sorry I must stop here because this is bringing me to a bad place.

When my fiance cheated on me it brought about the start of my real Christian walk. I had been enjoying a sexual relationship and not putting God in charge of anything in my life. I had a lot of guilt for my disobedience and guilt for not being a witness to my fiance. Unfortunately I saw his infidelity as a punishment for me instead of a by-product of his lying, lazy, sinful life. I witnessed to him and prayed constantly. During prayer I "heard" God say wait. Later my fiance told me he had accepted Christ. I interpreted that as an answer to prayer and that it was God's will that we be married. Wrong! My mom and friends thought I was crazy and I didn't share my word from God with anyone. What I didn't take into consideration was that the "word" might've meant something else, that wise counsel should be sought, and patience really is a virtue.

I cringe when I hear people say that they know something is God's will. If it is, it will become more evident over time and will probably be confirmed through other wise people and circumstances.

I understand the power of a spectacular testimony, but many people turn their back on God, just get stuck as a baby Christian, or fall down from their mountain-top experience. I met a 10 yr recovered alcoholic/drug user and he had a conversion experience that gave me goosebumps. But, he had stopped growing as a Christian and couldn't be a spiritual leader and hadn't worked out his feelings of betrayal from his ex, his dad, his mom who didn't know how to be a mom because of mental-health issues...... The person who you marry should be ready to get married-stability observed over time and faith that is put to use to serve and grow. I am sure there are many jail-house conversions that are sincere, but don't lead to real change. When you are looking at someone to marry, there should be some consensus among healthy family, friends, and church folk who also think the person is a good bet. If everyone is looking at you like you're nuts or saying you are nuts, you should explore this issue.

I've been a Christian since 10, but really started my walk at 21. It wasn't until around 42 that I can say that I have been mature enough to hear God's leading. I don't think this is because of my age. I think it is because of where I am in my relationship with God. I joined a new church a little over a year ago where I am LEARNING. What I have learned is that we must be in the Word daily in order to get to know God better and obviously we need to be praying. You are right when you mentioned being obedient to God as putting you in the right place to know God's will. I found it's also important to be willing to follow what God says, lol. I haven't been perfect, but I have definitely received God's leading and I had a terrible feeling of disquiet with a previous relationship which really perplexed me because everyone loved him. Turned out he was lying about some really important stuff.

Well, I would argue that you are not being forced to suffer - and that God has nothing to do with it whatsoever.

"Forced to suffer" implies that you're being put through something against your will. While it might feel that way - you're not. God didn't pick that mate for you. You did. God didn't tell you to take those vows with that individual. That was your choice. What you are suffering are the consequences of a bad choice that you made.

It always amazes me how much people chalk up to God and give Him responsibility for. Simply put - God gave man free will. He (at least in my opinion) is not in the business of circumventing people from making jerks out of themselves if that's what they truly want to do. Rather - you (or your wife...or whoever) are free to be as big of a jerk as you want to be - and God ain't gonna stand in the way. Your life is yours to mold as you see fit - from birth to death. The same is true for your wife and her life. Whatever she wants to do - she is free to do.

You aren't like Job - who was minding his own business and suddenly had misfortune befall him through no choices of his own but had to endure. You picked the treacherous wife. That would be like if I went out and bought a car on a whim because of how it looked without researching about the vehicle. I only have myself to blame once it starts having problems. Maybe I should have waited to find a car which both appealed to me AND had good reports/reviews.

It sounds like you knew what you were getting into ahead of time as well.

Now, I'm not saying that stuff to be mean...but...channel that anger into something productive. Instead of worrying about why God allowed you to make a stupid decision - channel that anger to really convince yourself that you will not make that kind of mistake again.

 

[myanchor]

Aloneone, I am sorry to hear you are going through this garbage. I can't really address your ex, EZ is probably one of your best sources as he has gone through it with a pretty worthless woman.

But as to the father thing, I had a lot of 'high volume' disussions with God. I was bitter for the things that came my way. As a matter of fact even though I was Christian (a baby one to be sure), I even told God that I hated Him. I had some really intense talks with Him about how He could turn away from His Son and abandon Him on the cross. But He patiently began to re-father me and I realize now that through Christ and Christ alone He is my Father, my Daddy, my Friend above all friends. I pray that He will re-father you as well.

Things I recommend for you to read. Shauhti Feldhahn's For couples only set of books. The Life Recovery Bible. And How we Love my Milan and Kay Yerkovich.

 

[BRISH]

"The question is this: Has anyone else struggled with these levels of anger at God because of an unfaithful spouse?"


Absolutely.

When you get to the point though, and hopefully one can, that you can look at yourself and the past, you may see that the warning signs were there all along. It was my decision to ignore those flags whether it was me being stubborn or unknowing in some areas. All in all, I got over the "anger" and accepted alot of it as my own doing.

It's not my fault that my ex did such things, but in the grand scheme of things, I didn't have to be a part of it. No matter how good my intentions were or what I "wanted to believe" at the time, it was still my choice. I ignored the conviction and wisdom given to me by others to slow down to "wait and see", and I later had to deal with the consequences.

One can take that and either grow resentful to God, or....one can take on some responsibility of this free will we are given and learn from it.

JMO

 

[~Lynz~]

i would lke u to remember that may people feel bitter or angry towards god in may circumstances eg a loved one dying. it is quite natural to ask " why god have u done this to me?"
we just have to learn that we have to endure suffering it is part of life. it is part of being a christian

 

[Bridgit]

I'm divorced and one thing I learned is: don't marry somebody who is doing things you disagree with, don't feel comfortable with or can't stand, hoping he/she will change and get better in the future. That was my biggest mistake.

We can always think: "Well, God will change that person." If that person has no desire to change or let God work in them, then it will never happen. Don't play with fire, you'll get burnt.

Don't blame God and reject Him. He is the only one who loves you with a faithful love and who can heal your wounds. If you reject God who else is there to help you?

 

[ddisciple]

Make sure at all costs that you dont let anyone on earth break your faith down in the lord. yopu have been through a really emotionally traumatic relationship where satan has had the chance to wreak havock in your life and marrige.
Matthew 28:10 applies here: Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Dont let an earthly situation hurt your relationship with god. Believe me, i have been angry with god as well for some of the stuff i have been put through, but i alsway come back with faith knowing he knows best, and is just guiding me to heaven.

God will deal with the unrightous, just make sure you keep your slate clean

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I have been married for a short time (under two years). In that time my wife committed adultery, lied, stole from me, and used drugs. She had substance issues before we married, and together we had gotten her drug free prior to the marriage. She threw all that away shortly after marriage. I dealt with multiple promises of change after the marriage, all were broken. In fact, I now fully believe that the marriage was based on a pure lie - that she never even actually loved me and I was being played/used.

I am divorcing her, and feel completely justified in doing so. I am not pro-divorce. But this woman has been the most damaging thing to ever happen to me and I cannot deal with her lies etc, any longer.

I have struggled for years with Christianity. I found the faith in my 20's. I ended up walking away from it because I felt betrayed by the Christians I knew (in a situation I'd prefer not to get into). However, I never really walked away fully. I often think about God and Christian life/topics. But my faith has been a matter of private thoughts/study, and a struggle.

The problem is this: This marriage has ruined me in the following ways: emotionally, spiritually, and financially. The failure of my marriage has (on multiple occasions) driven me to the point of rage - but not just at my estranged wife. I find myself actually furious at God himself (to the point of extreme blasphemy and challenging God out of fury) for what has happened to my life.

I recognize that this is a sin. Anger is a sin that I am prone to (though I have never been physically abusive to anyone), and I need to work on that.

The question is this: Has anyone else struggled with these levels of anger at God because of an unfaithful spouse?

Thank you for any responses, thoughts and prayers in advance.

You know.. when you talk about these things i can't help but think that our spouses are unfaithful to us (and us to them) when we do not keep our marriage vows... when we don't respect one another, are honest with one another, love one another not only in feeling but in action...

that is a marriage relationship....

think about it this way (and i'm feeling inspired to say this) I don't know what kind of cerimonies they did in the bible days to marry a couple... shoot, i honestly don't even care...

but i can't help but think that marriage in God's eyes is two people commiting to eachother.. to be faithful in more then one way.... not a sheet of paper, a legal document a marriage license that binds us legally to eachother.. rules about assets and rights to make things complicated but necessary in this life due to people not honoring what is right...

And yet people.. christians worship that sheet of paper...
they say to us..
"it doesn't matter if you are in a loveless marriage, if your spouse makes no effort to live peacefully with you, if your spouse is faithful to you by putting you above other people, other things and themselves..." by god you have a legal sheet of paper and you better not desecrate it or your going to hell... well, maybe not EVERYONE believes the punishment is THAT severe, but some do.

They forget the spirit of marriage.... God's ultimate purpose for it anyways...

It's God's will that we remain faithful to our spouse because he is faithful, it's his will that we love our spouse because he is love, it's his will that we forgive our spouse because he forgives us and has died for us...

But God also uses tough love with us and there are some boundaries... like that scripture in the new testement where it says that if a brother offends you... confront him yourself, with friends, with the church.. in other words make every step possible as far as it concerns yourself to bring restoration to your relationship.. but he goes on to say that if your brother still doesn't repent, have nothing more to do with him.

I love that scripture in the bible... because when you have a problem with a friend/loved one/co-worker so many unknowing christians want to preach "your supposed to forget and forgive... jesus forgave you.. your supposed to forgive them... 70times 7" (not to mention that that whole 70 times 7 verse was jesus's response to peter after he posed the question of "how many times are you supposed to forgive... when they apologize to you.. am i supposed to keep forgiving?"

Notice that at least in this situation the offender is truly sorry for what they've done.. and it's operating under a spirit of love when we extend that grace...

Yet there is that other scripture that refers how to deal with a brother who does not repent or take responsibility for their offense...

And it's necessary in some situations to walk away... to take care of ourselves... if we didn't we would communicate a message to the offender that it doesn't matter what they do.. there is no accountability for it...

And again think about the character of God... he holds us accountable...
when his people turned away from him and to other gods.. how did he respond... well, at first he reached out to them... sending them prophets, warning them.... "talking to them"... but after they continued to harden their hearts he turned away from them.. he let them be destroyed... he let calamity come upon them...

I can't help but compare that to some of our marriages... we can only do so much.

Sure, he'd like for us to always forgive... but we also cannot do things in our own power..

I purpose to only walk in the grace the lord has given me... and believe it or not, sometimes that grace or leading is to turn away from another with tough love!

Food for thought...

 

[Macx]

The question is this: Has anyone else struggled with these levels of anger at God because of an unfaithful spouse?

Yes. Oh yes. I have had anger at God such that I sincerely wanted to got to Hell, because I didn't want to be anywhere near Him & yeah . . . I knew full well what I was saying. In the time since, it has been a long slow process clawing my way back, God and I are on pretty good terms now but there is a ways to go. These past few years have had incredible highs and incredible lows. . . it has been rocky, it has been bloody, and it has been painful. I have also had no greater joy, found no purer love, and been, seen, and done some amazing things.

I absolutely reject the statement

we just have to learn that we have to endure suffering it is part of life. it is part of being a christian

Suffering is not a part of being a Christian any more than suffering is a part of a Bhuddist's lot in life. Christians don't have a corner on the market when it comes to suffering. Jesus says in Matthew 5:45 that ye may be sons of your Father in the heavens, because His sun He doth cause to rise on evil and good, and He doth send rain on righteous and unrighteous. Running from God won't save you as Jonah found out & running to God won't guarante a pain free life.

While it is true

Master lttei said, "If one were to say what it is to do good, in a single word it would be to endure suffering. Not enduring is bad without exception."

In truth, nothing real stays the same. There is not, that grows faster than it rushes toward death, though death has been known to outstrip growth with amazing frequency. It is nature, and even the rocks become sand over time.


OP, I have more to right, but for now . .. I should sleep. 2:12 am here at the moment.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

And yet people.. christians worship that sheet of paper...
they say to us..
"it doesn't matter if you are in a loveless marriage, if your spouse makes no effort to live peacefully with you, if your spouse is faithful to you by putting you above other people, other things and themselves..." by god you have a legal sheet of paper and you better not desecrate it or your going to hell... well, maybe not EVERYONE believes the punishment is THAT severe, but some do.

Whoever is saying that is very confused or stupid. Our marriage/family relationships are supposed to point the way to God. If they aren't, then we need to get busy in trying to change them. Usually we let things go so far that the resentment from all the past hurts makes us unwilling to do the work that needs to be done.

Christians give up on marriages way too soon. We have a powerful God who can work miracles if we allow. Not all marriages can be saved because some people aren't willing to submit to God, don't know God, or may have mental health issues that make them a poor spouse for anyone. But, I seriously doubt that most Christians do the humble work necessary to save their marriage. I know what years of resentment feels like.