Sensitivity without reason

[KCDAD]

Maybe the person was a huge fan. Maybe they had had a very bad day or week, and this news just set them off. There are so many "maybe's"...



Uh... yah. People get homesick sometimes, even when they are just a half-hour away. It may not be "reasonable" to you, but for her, it set off a cascade of emotion.

Sometimes people get nostalgic. They'll have a lot on their mind, and see a park they used to play in... and well up with tears, remembering the carefree days of being 6 years old and playing on the swings. Or, they'll remember a friend who lives several hours away now, who they haven't spoken to in a while. Or they'll see something a movie that reminds them of a very sad time, or a good time they miss...

Many movies sell millions of tickets on the fact that people will feel along with the characters, and will laugh, cry, and feel for and with the characters.

There is actually a term for it: catharsis. Here's a Wiki article on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catharsis

A better approach to someone who is crying is, "Is there anything I can do" or "It's okay, let it out, I'm here for you". Save the philosophical discussions for later.

Thanks... good answer. makes sense.

 

[KCDAD]

My question for you is, why are you so sensitive about her being upset?

Is she not allowed to miss her dad? Even if he is "only" 2 hours away, she can still miss him. Maybe she missed the memory. She can't exactly relive that exact feeling, even if her dad is close by.

I love that she misses her dad. That's great. But if I hadn't tricked her into admitting that, she would have been weeping over this guy that has been a nobody to her for 30 years instead of thinking about her dad.
This brings up another question: Why do we Christians mourn anyone that dies? Do we not believe that they are either in heaven or resting until the judgement day and then will be in heaven? Why not celebrate that they made it through this life and are on to better things.

 

[Bananafish]

I love that she misses her dad. That's great. But if I hadn't tricked her into admitting that, she would have been weeping over this guy that has been a nobody to her for 30 years instead of thinking about her dad.
This brings up another question: Why do we Christians mourn anyone that dies? Do we not believe that they are either in heaven or resting until the judgement day and then will be in heaven? Why not celebrate that they made it through this life and are on to better things.

Why wouldn't Christians mourn? Do you expect Christians to not miss someone who was important in their life? That would require an individual to not have any emotions and/or be heavily sedated.

 

[KCDAD]

Why wouldn't Christians mourn? Do you expect Christians to not miss someone who was important in their life? That would require an individual to not have any emotions and/or be heavily sedated.

Think about why you said that... what is better for someone we love then for them to be with God? If we are sad it is because we miss them being around us... for us, not for them. We are less because they are gone. That is what mourning is about. Sure we are less because they are gone, but more importantly we are greater because they were here at all! Either way it is a win - win celebration time. We are better off because they were here and they are better off because they are with God.

 

[Bananafish]

Think about why you said that... what is better for someone we love then for them to be with God? If we are sad it is because we miss them being around us... for us, not for them. We are less because they are gone. That is what mourning is about. Sure we are less because they are gone, but more importantly we are greater because they were here at all! Either way it is a win - win celebration time. We are better off because they were here and they are better off because they are with God.

I'm fine with being sad because I miss someone. It's natural. I see what you're getting at, but it's not selfish.

And yeah, all that stuff about them being better off with God is great - unless the person doesn't believe in God. According to your rationale, it would be appropriate to mourn then, right?

 

[KCDAD]

I'm fine with being sad because I miss someone. It's natural. I see what you're getting at, but it's not selfish.

And yeah, all that stuff about them being better off with God is great - unless the person doesn't believe in God. According to your rationale, it would be appropriate to mourn then, right?

Sure... if dead is dead.. gone forever... that IS sad. (unless it is some "celebrity" that means nothing to me except to fill newspapers, TV time or Radio air... )

 

[TheMissus]

What do you have against dead celebrities?

 

[RavenPoe]

Tricked her into telling you she missed her dad? I think deep insie she knew what she was sad about all along. That doesn't mean that it's any better for a friend to force one into talking about it.

I don't care if a person is next door, we often don't make time for the people that mean something to us when we're so busy with the day to day mundane aspects of life. Sometime it takes a death to remind us of that. I don't know the names of 5,999 people that died yesterday, so I don't mourn them I don't know of their death. However, one was mentioned by name, so I know he was a person, and now I know he is no longer a person. That forces us to face mortality - both our own and that of those we love.

I will miss and cry over someone I love dying. I don't care if they are in a better place, I can still be sad over it. If my best friend married and moved accross the country, I'd cry over it. It doesn't mean I'm not happy for her being in a better place. It doesn't mean I want her to not do it. It just means I miss her.

 

[quatona]

I had a discussion this morning about someone who was all upset about Red Auerbach (a former Basketball coach) dieing at age 89 of a heart attack. I asked why they were upset about it and they got all bent out of shape saying that I was an insensitive jerk. All I wanted to know was why be upset about an old man dying when over 6000 people died in this country yesterday. Why was the sense of loss so great for this guy that had been out of sports for many years, had lived a long and apparently productive life and NO relationship with the mourning person whatsoever. Other than having his name mentioned on the news, why get upset over this guy?
Any ideas? Comment?

The particular thing about emotions is that they do not follow reason, rationality or a normative standard.
You simply are sad, you are upset, and you aren´t prepared to justify it. Being upset or sad about the death of a person indicates that he meant something to you, for whatever reason that another person does not necessarily understand.
If asking the question "Why have this or that emotion?"we will only get a satisfactory answer if we accept the person´s values and inner bonds, inclinations. Else the answer will always make the other person look stupid.
Why be upset about the death of anyone? We all know from early on that everyone is mortal, and we had plenty of time getting used to this fact. Your mother died? What´s the big deal? Thousands of other people die daily - why make such a fuzz about your mother? I mean you are an adult, and she was not THAT great a person, anyways, from an objective pov.
As for the reproach of insensitivity: If someone communicates his sadness or frustration, he usually asks for sympathy, for - at least temporarily - being accepted with those emotions. Being upset, sad, frustrated makes you vulnerable. People usually talk about it to warn me: "Handle me with care, more care than usually." It is not meant to be an invitation to challenge them.
This is not to say that sooner or later it might be a good idea to offer them alternate views that might help them with getting over these emotions. But we are likely to take this advice from someone who has proven to be positively inclined towards us rather than someone who does not even try to connect to us, but antagonizes right from the start. Answering the statement "I am sad/upset/frustrated" with "That´s nonsense!" does not exactly help the person feeling accepted and looked at with compassion. He will feel completely misunderstood.

Insults?

Why do you ask for insults?

 

[KCDAD]

What do you have against dead celebrities?

Nothing against them, but certainly nothing in favor of their sanctification by the media.

 

[KCDAD]

The particular thing about emotions is that they do not follow reason, rationality or a normative standard.
You simply are sad, you are upset, and you aren´t prepared to justify it. Being upset or sad about the death of a person indicates that he meant something to you, for whatever reason that another person does not necessarily understand.
If asking the question "Why have this or that emotion?"we will only get a satisfactory answer if we accept the person´s values and inner bonds, inclinations. Else the answer will always make the other person look stupid.
Why be upset about the death of anyone? We all know from early on that everyone is mortal, and we had plenty of time getting used to this fact. Your mother died? What´s the big deal? Thousands of other people die daily - why make such a fuzz about your mother? I mean you are an adult, and she was not THAT great a person, anyways, from an objective pov.
As for the reproach of insensitivity: If someone communicates his sadness or frustration, he usually asks for sympathy, for - at least temporarily - being accepted with those emotions. Being upset, sad, frustrated makes you vulnerable. People usually talk about it to warn me: "Handle me with care, more care than usually." It is not meant to be an invitation to challenge them.
This is not to say that sooner or later it might be a good idea to offer them alternate views that might help them with getting over these emotions. But we are likely to take this advice from someone who has proven to be positively inclined towards us rather than someone who does not even try to connect to us, but antagonizes right from the start. Answering the statement "I am sad/upset/frustrated" with "That´s nonsense!" does not exactly help the person feeling accepted and looked at with compassion. He will feel completely misunderstood.
Why do you ask for insults?

I understand on a personal level all that you wrote. So we just go along with the media offering us "acceptable" targets for our emotions (and thoughts) rather than allow true expression of our feelings and thoughts? (in this case for her father)

There are many "celebrities" I have had emotional reactions to, that is not my point. With 6000 deaths daily why be so upset over one guy that had not been around in public for so long? He had been, for all intents and purposes, "dead" for the last 20 years to my friend anyway.

 

[Colder]

You don't know what triggered this emotion,may have been actualy a memory of someone they lost ,or perhaps fear of loosing.
Many people unable to show any emotion to their loved ones,will weep watching a movie,
or reading a book.

People will not even notice a report about 5000 children daying daily of hunger,whilst eating luxury food,throwing food away,wasting water ,etc,...people will not even stop and think when media presents another bunch of Iraq citizens dead,but the same people will weap when their favorite character is axed from a soap.
Are those people bad?Unloving?

I personaly believe that each lost life is a shame,but I have hope it is not the end.
Hearing someone lived a long ,good life usualy makes me happy for them,and sad for their family at the same time.
Media are guilty in my eyes in far worse crimes,than making people weep at the death of a D list celebrity

 

[kopilo]

Think about why you said that... what is better for someone we love then for them to be with God? If we are sad it is because we miss them being around us... for us, not for them. We are less because they are gone. That is what mourning is about. Sure we are less because they are gone, but more importantly we are greater because they were here at all! Either way it is a win - win celebration time. We are better off because they were here and they are better off because they are with God.

If the 14th Dalia Lama died before he gained Tibet back, I'd mourn, dress in black and hide myself from the world.

 

[quatona]

I understand on a personal level all that you wrote.

You wondered why they " they got all bent out of shape saying that I was an insensitive jerk.". That told me that the issue was on the personal level, and I tried to adress it accordingly.

So we just go along with the media offering us "acceptable" targets for our emotions (and thoughts) rather than allow true expression of our feelings and thoughts? (in this case for her father)

I suspect it´s not up to you or me to tell what is a "true" expression of our feelings and thoughts of someone else. I do not even dare to tell what are the feelings and thoughts of someone else, to begin with, other than what she tries to communicate to me.
I have my issues with the media and their power. Yet, it is an age-old habit of humans to think up "virtual" persons and events in order to have them trigger their emotions (-> books, ->theatre, ->movies, ->music, ->art). I am inclined to think that mourning in the face of the death of a virtual person (or someone who used to be your hero, or an admired celebrity or whatever), is due to being reminded of mortality in general and trying to find a way of dealing with it.
The tsunami, 9/11etc. - they didn´t affect me personally and practically. They happened to persons I don´t even know in parts of the world I had never been. I couldn´t change anything about even if I had wished to. Hadn´t I heard it from the media (and would I still not know about it today), my life would be the same as it is. Nonetheless, these events triggered emotions in me.

There are many "celebrities" I have had emotional reactions to, that is not my point. With 6000 deaths daily why be so upset over one guy that had not been around in public for so long? He had been, for all intents and purposes, "dead" for the last 20 years to my friend anyway.

I really don´t get why that is a problem for you. I know such moments in which I am reminded of the past out of a sudden, moments when the emotions I had back then come back to me (and, in addition, a sadness that I had simply forgotten about all this).
Neither do I understand this comparison "6000 deaths daily". No matter what the subject of one´s emotion is, it can always be argued that it is nothing compared to [insert misery of choice].
With the world being as small as it has become, we are in a permanent state of pushing away and ignoring issues that are so big that we can´t handle them, and emphasizing others for some strange reasons.
I don´t know about you, but for me: Things either touch me or they don´t. It´s not like a have a chart of criteria that I check first in order to find out whether this or that is worth my emotions or not.
Bottomline: I cannot argue away the emotions and inclinations of someone.

 

[SallyNow]

I understand on a personal level all that you wrote. So we just go along with the media offering us "acceptable" targets for our emotions (and thoughts) rather than allow true expression of our feelings and thoughts? (in this case for her father)

There are many "celebrities" I have had emotional reactions to, that is not my point. With 6000 deaths daily why be so upset over one guy that had not been around in public for so long? He had been, for all intents and purposes, "dead" for the last 20 years to my friend anyway.

Why is this still such an issue? Perhaps the death of the celebrity brought up emotions over her childhood being over... or how life passes us by and suddenly it's 20 years after a memory... as stated before, it certainly did bring up some homesickness.

The concept of catharsis is thousands of years old. Sometimes we need to cry, and sometimes it takes something like the death of celebrity or a sad book, TV show, or film to do it.

 

[xMinionX]

Sensitivity doesn't need a reason.

 

[HeavenzAngel]

Sensitivity isn't a bad thing, and doesn't need a reason. Nothing, is wrong being upset over a death even someone 89.

 

[KCDAD]

Does anyone know the word maudlin"? Pointless (or misdirected) sentimentality is a waste of time and energy. It is just vanity.

 

[HeavenzAngel]

then I guess its their problem, we should respect them

 

[JesusWalks78]

Why sugar the medicene......if you beat around the bush or you shoot straight the message is still the same.