Selfishness

[thevaliantx]

My wife and i are headed toward divorce. I continue to pray that she see that this can be fixed. Our situation is quite complicated, but basically it was a war of stubbornness. She refused to try and get her weight under control, and I got frustrated and reacted by pushing myself away from her (or did she push me away). This is the part that most here will not be able to fathom. I decided to proceed transitioning to female. GID is something that I have struggled with for a very long time, as in decades (maybe lifelong). I felt that if she didn't value me or our relationship enough to want to look the way God intended for her to lpok, then I would do the same. Pure selfishness on both our parts. Fast forward to the present. I have been praying for an answer. It seems the answer is that I need to do what God intended, and that is to be a man and be an example for our son. Where does this leave my wife? She claimed that I was not a spiritual leader, yet I tried to get her to understand the consequences of placing her love of food before the well-being of our son, and the longevity of our marriage. I tried to explain to her that her eating habits are setting a poor example for our son in how to deal with stress. I've been trying the entire 15 years of our marriage to get her to put the fork down, and to develop a hunger elsewhere. God, me, being there for our son. She tried to get me to see that our son, more than ever, needed me to man up and respond to stress in a more positive way than tearing away from who I am. Your thoughts?

 

[tall73]

My wife and i are headed toward divorce. I continue to pray that she see that this can be fixed. Our situation is quite complicated, but basically it was a war of stubbornness. She refused to try and get her weight under control, and I got frustrated and reacted by pushing myself away from her (or did she push me away). This is the part that most here will not be able to fathom. I decided to proceed transitioning to female. GID is something that I have struggled with for a very long time, as in decades (maybe lifelong). I felt that if she didn't value me or our relationship enough to want to look the way God intended for her to lpok, then I would do the same. Pure selfishness on both our parts. Fast forward to the present. I have been praying for an answer. It seems the answer is that I need to do what God intended, and that is to be a man and be an example for our son. Where does this leave my wife? She claimed that I was not a spiritual leader, yet I tried to get her to understand the consequences of placing her love of food before the well-being of our son, and the longevity of our marriage. I tried to explain to her that her eating habits are setting a poor example for our son in how to deal with stress. I've been trying the entire 15 years of our marriage to get her to put the fork down, and to develop a hunger elsewhere. God, me, being there for our son. She tried to get me to see that our son, more than ever, needed me to man up and respond to stress in a more positive way than tearing away from who I am. Your thoughts?

I am sorry to hear about the struggles and separation you are going through.

It usually helps if we get more information:

What was her weight like before marriage?
What were her eating habits like before marriage?

How far had you gone in the transitioning process?

You have not put what your wife's statements were in regards to these things. What did she say the times you asked her to lose weight? Is she trying to lose weight? Are there other factors than eating? How overweight is she (relative or BMI, etc.)

What was her reaction to your transitioning?

How old is your son?

How much of your decision to transition was based on the opportunity this presented, rather than a direct cause? Do you think you used her issue to justify what you were already wanting to do?

Your status says you are separated. Is that legal separation? Per your intro thread you have been separated since March. What were the discussions leading to that? Who initiated the separation? You indicated you cannot see your child. Is there any time you can see him?

Have their been other issues, such as infidelity (before or after the separation), money issues, etc.

You list your religion as Christian and indicated what God wants you to do. How is your spiritual life overall? How is your wife's spiritual life, if any?

 

[mkgal1]

I felt that if she didn't value me or our relationship enough to want to look the way God intended for her to lpok, then I would do the same

That sounds like maybe the worst reason to transition (out of spite for another person).

Pure selfishness on both our parts.

Um.....I'm not so certain your wife is being selfish for not conforming to your expectations.

I've been trying the entire 15 years of our marriage to get her to put the fork down, and to develop a hunger elsewhere. God, me, being there for our son. She tried to get me to see that our son, more than ever, needed me to man up and respond to stress in a more positive way than tearing away from who I am. Your thoughts?

You sound like a very difficult person to live with....no wonder there's stress.

The comment about "tearing away from who I am".....? Do you believe that's accurate? I have contempt for the phrase "man up"....so I can't agree with a person telling another person to do that. We ought to do what Ephesians 4:2 says.....and that's for everyone to follow.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love.
​

 

[DZoolander]

Are there grandparents that will take the kid in? Cuz this whole situation sounds like crazy making stuff.

 

[DZoolander]

Just out of curiosity - how fat are we talking that it would send you into "if that's how it's going to be, I'm going to transition" mode?

 

[mkgal1]

.......and do you plan on staying married after your transition? Or are you hoping that will push her in the direction of divorce (and you can then claim it's because she wasn't "accepting" of you)?

 

[mkgal1]

To be clear..... I don't have an issue with a person transitioning, it's the reason you cited that I have an issue with.

 

[DZoolander]

And does your wife have a thing for BBQ cooked on back-flow smokers with train whistles?

 

[tall73]

.......and do you plan on staying married after your transition? Or are you hoping that will push her in the direction of divorce (and you can then claim it's because she wasn't "accepting" of you)?

Well he said he had an answer to be an example for his son. So I guess he is not continuing the transition. But depending on what has already happened along that route, could be interesting.

 

[tall73]

Are there grandparents that will take the kid in? Cuz this whole situation sounds like crazy making stuff.

This is why the age of the child is important. If the child is young enough, and he doesn't continue the transition perhaps the child will not remember that dad was a woman for a while.

And perhaps this is even the reason for the separation, because the transition point was the breaking point for his spouse.

 

[snoochface]

They've been married 15 years, so I would presume (perhaps not correctly in this day and age) that their son is younger than 15. Young enough that he needs his father to be a good example to him because he still has a lot of growing up to do and is coming up to the point of having to make potentially life-altering relationship decisions in the next several years of his life.

 

[tall73]

Fast forward to the present. I have been praying for an answer. It seems the answer is that I need to do what God intended, and that is to be a man and be an example for our son.

Good. Now is the marriage salvageable, and what has your wife said about all this?

 

[tall73]

They've been married 15 years, so I would presume (perhaps not correctly in this day and age) that their son is younger than 15. Young enough that he needs his father to be a good example to him because he still has a lot of growing up to do and is coming up to the point of having to make potentially life-altering relationship decisions in the next several years of his life.

I am really hoping the kid is super young so he doesn't remember the example already given. But he will have to clarify.

If he is older this has probably been epicly confusing.