Self-Hatred

[enpointe19]

Hi.

I'm not sure how to start this but I guess I'll give you a little background of what's been happening to me. I apologize if this is long, but I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know where else to turn.

I'm 19, a college sophomore. I've been saved since I was 12. I've had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember. And I've suffered from depression since middle school. I spent 1/3 of 2007 in my room, not talking to anyone. I'm also really shy and tend to avoid situations and people that make me feel uncomfortable. All in all, I can't stand me.

But before college, it was manageable. I had little responsibility. I come from a good family and a good church, all very caring, supportive people, you know? But I was never happy. All through my life, I've felt like a spectator, not really enjoying life, just watching other people have fun. In my last two years of high school, I gained a few friends, but I still felt pretty lousy about myself. My relationship with God wasn't great back then. I really struggled believing that God loved me and having faith. I prayed but not nearly enough I guess. I read my Bible every so often. Basically, I would try to distract myself with other things like the Internet and reading books to help the pain. To me, God didn't really care. But my mom ministered to me all the time. Somehow it just didn't get through my head. At one point, she started to give up. Fast forward to Freshman year of college...

I survived. It wasn't as bad as I thought but I had to deal with my depression/anxiety episodes on my own. I joined a dance club. I was doing okay in school, not as great as in high school, but decent. I had two friends and a great roommate. During that time, I lost all my high school friends. I lived 20 minutes away from my aunt, uncle and cousin, so I spent time with them. Again, I didn't make God much of a priority. I stopped going to church and my campus Bible study. When the pain returned, I just distracted myself again. I skipped classes. My grades started slipping to the point where I was almost lost my scholarship. I told my mom that I didn't want to come back, but she told me to give at least another semester. I agreed.

So here I am today. I'm the most miserable I've ever been. Over the summer, I promised God that I was going to get into His word and pray more. But I didn't. I got too comfortable. And when school started, I had a total break down. I cry almost three times a day. I don't eat much. I can't concentrate on my school work. I isolate myself from everyone. I don't expect anyone to like me, because I hate myself so much. When people do talk to me, I have to put on a "happy face" so no one will suspect anything is wrong or for them to like me. After classes, I jump in my car and drive to the park, the mall, anywhere but campus where I feel so trapped and alone. If I continue the rest of the semester like this, my grades are going to slip. I won't be able to transfer, which I'm thinking about doing.

I've lost interest in both my passions: writing and dance. I want friends but then I don't. I want to be alone but then I feel lonely. Every day I'm just surviving, not thriving. Most days I wish God would just let me die but it hasn't happened yet. When I told my mom, she got angry and started crying. She suggested I get counseling, but now she just tells me I need to grow up and deal with it. That it's my fault for not doing anything about it. So now I don't really want to talk to her even though she's the only one I really feel comfortable talking to. Talking to a counselor...I don't know. It scares me. My dad and I don't discuss things like that. He's not even a Christian, not to discredit or judge him, but I want a godly perspective. I've been trying more than I ever have. I talk to God every day, I pray, I try not to focus on my problems and think about others, I read my Bible, I post Scriptures on my board pertaining to my depression but every day it gets harder and harder.

I don't know how to fight Satan and his attacks. Every lie he feeds me, I absorb it. His lies make more sense than God's truth sometimes. God says I'm the apple of his eye, He takes great delight in me, He rejoices over me with singing. Why? I'm a nobody. I'm not special in any way. I know it's really bad to say that I believe the devil over God, kind of like blasphemy, but I truly believe I'm a loser and I can't change.

If I had somewhere to go, I would withdraw from school. I don't know what I'd do after that. Just try to find food and water and survive until I die I guess. Because I can't imagine going through life like this anymore. I'm surrounded every day with students who are smart, have great social lives, who have a real future going for them. Not me. I used to want to be a writer and a dancer but I don't have the enthusiasm for either anymore. My family had such huge expectations for me. I feel like a failure.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Deep down, I figure I do want to help. But combined with my social anxiety, depression and avoidance personality, my getting help would be quite a sight to see. I just want God to love me. I want Him to be proud of me. I want to be happy. I feel so selfish, just thinking of my pain all the time. I don't even know how to be begin to help others. The only reason I deal with this is that I have hope in the future that I might be able to help someone else through the same thing. I'm a firm believer that we can't love others until we love ourselves and we can't love ourselves until we receive God's love and we can't receive God's love if we don't know how to seek it. I don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm just looking for some advice.

 

[Jeshu]

Think about yourself as a building if you put good materials in the building it will stand strong and firm, if we put bad building materials in there we fall over. You need to build your psyche with God's loving truth - we turn out the best when we do that.

The truth is that God loves you, He loves you a real lot, no matter what you do or how you feel, He loves you just as much. God's love doesn't depend on you, not what you do, nor how you feel. Unconditional love is like that.

This is the first thing you have to absorb into your spiritual life - sing out the good news and dance from joy - God loves you! Fight the doubt and unbelief and confess to God each time you fall for hating yourself. (Hating yourself breeds depression!!!)

The second thing is that you need love for yourself - if God loves you unconditionally can you then also love yourself unconditionally? Love is the answer you are looking for, love is what you are missing. A heart full of love is strongest force against the depression that you can find. Seek after God's love - don't rely on feeling His love for you, for when you are depressed you can't feel God's love for you, nor any other love, but know in your heart and mind that He loves you - believe the Bible about this!

Along with God's love step into the truth and become honest about how you are feeling. The lie - untruth - is from our enemy - he is also the one who has brought depression around and loves to torture your soul without ending. God's loving truth sets us free from the lie and builds us strong against depression - do seek after God's love and walk in God's truth.

The third thing is that you struggle with depression and something needs to be done about that. I advise you to go and see a doctor straight away and get yourself on some kind of medication. Medication doesn't always work completely and fully but often medications is just what a depressed person needs to move away from depression and get back on even keel again.

Once you have covered these three things in your life find a support person or persons. A councillor would come in very handy for example as they are able to redirect your thoughts and provide you with techniques to fight the depression. To stay in contact with your mum may or may not work out okay but to love and be loved is what is important here.

If at all possible keep at it with your studies, you need all the help you can get for your future and a diploma or degree can come in very handy to be able to score a good job and to be able to look after yourself in the future.
Also studies keep our mind of the miserable reality of our depression a bit and stop us from getting bored - boredom is a real bummer when it comes to depression, often making it worse.:o

I wish you God's blessing over your life, walk with Him and let His love set you free from all the negativity you have already build within yourself. God is the great positive He saves our lives from the pit and can make us stronger than depression can bring to bare.

 

[Spunkn]

Well first off, let me just say that you're not alone. Even if you're a Christian you can still suffer from depression just as much as anyone else. Sometimes it even makes you feel worse as a Christian, because you feel that you should have more faith, be more happy about life, and then you start to feel guilty about being depressed, and that piles it on even more.

Your situation sounds a lot like my own and the things I went through. I thought it was something I was doing wrong, or that something about my personality / looks was messed up.

I dropped out of High School then got a GED. Would later go on to drop out of two colleges. I still haven't finished a degree yet and I'm 29. Not saying that to get sympathy, but just to let you know that I've been there.

Medication was a huge help for me. It didn't solve my problems of course, but it allowed me to even feel like I could begin to sort things out. Off meds, I couldn't concentrate. My mind would race 1000x miles per hour with thoughts of how awful everything was. I hated being around people, I was always down etc.

Somewhere deep inside you, your soul is screaming out that something is wrong. That isn't how it's suppose to be. Life is suppose to be hard, but not crippling or a hell every day so much so that you can't even function.

There is hope to be found in God, but sometimes we have to take a small step of faith, to be able to let God do His work.

I'll be praying for you. I know that God can work miracles, because he brought me out of the very place you are in now. It wasn't easy, and I've been through probably 15 years of severe depression but God saw me through it.

Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

 

[SMacGregor]

Loneliness is not the same thing as being alone. Many of us seek time alone to emotionally recharge, to reflect or to explore our creativity or hobby. Being along is often a choice whereas loneliness is not something we choose. Paradoxically a feeling of loneliness can be experienced even when one is not alone, but rather amongst a crowd of people. When loneliness is experienced in a crowd of people, it can be even more isolating and make us feel disconnected in a frightening way. Loneliness may be felt as a result of a lack of love in our life and can be as devastating as the feeling of grief after losing a loved one.

Kindest regards,
Sandy MacGregor

 

[oscarsmom]

I appreciate your openness in letting us know about your struggles to have a deeper walk with God and your struggles with feeling depressed.

I want to assure you that you’re not alone in having questions about your faith. Many Christians go through periods when they don’t feel as close to God as they think they should. It’s normal to have an ebb and flow in our relationship with the Lord -- just like we do in human friendships. These low points can result when we’ve had to deal with difficult or tragic events in our lives; other times we may not be aware of a particular reason for the distance.

I believe the Lord longs for us to see new aspects of His greatness and love. If you are struggling with reading and studying His Word, you can enjoy the beauty of all He has made, listen to songs that praise and honor Him, read books by authors who have walked closely with our Lord, and watch for evidences of His kindness in the lives of those around you. As you engage in these activities, it’s likely you’ll experience a fresh glimpse of His character that is very personal and meaningful.

The important thing is to remain open to hearing His voice. Don’t hesitate to be straightforward with the Lord about your doubts and questions; He is able to use them to build your faith. You might consider journaling your thoughts if you enjoy writing. Also, it can be a help to speak with a godly, caring adult who knows you well. Your mom, youth leader, or a favorite Christian relative or teacher may be available to offer a listening ear and pray with you.

May I suggest on other source of input? Your college may have counseling available for students who are struggling with their emotions like you are. Have you considered setting up an appointment to meet with someone there on campus who can offer support and advice?

Praying for God's peace to keep your heart and mind!!

 

[enpointe19]

I want to thank you all for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

 

[drjean]

I don't have enough time to fully respond right now but wanted you to know you can make it through--and be glad you did--hang tough.

 

[HisSparkPlug]

Hi sweet girl,
I had a hard time much of my life with feelings of depression and isolation. I never understood it till I discovered what happened to me as a child. I'm still in recovery for this but God is much more real and close to me now than ever. One thing I have learned is that He loves us just as we are - He doesn't love us more if we read the bible, and He doesn't love us more if we pray more altho those are things which are important for our own growth.

The enemy likes to pick especially on those whom he knows God has special plans for. You are one of those people. The thing I encourage you to do the most is talk to God like He's your best friend - This is what 'prayer' really is.. He is looking for people who will just let it all hang out sort to speak and be real with Him. I used to think I had to be so careful about my words with Him, but what He really appreciates is for us to be real and just say it how we feel it. when I'm mad I just give it to Him.. sometimes I get mad at HIM and I tell Him exactly how I feel .. He handles it just fine and sometimes I'm not very nice to Him! lol .. He isn't like humans at all, He's personal and kind. His kindness is insurmountable.

I pray Abba reveals to you the root cause of the depression and heals you miraculously so you can go forward into the wonderful destiny He has for you living life abundantly and in a close personal relationship with Him, friend to friend.. that's His desire for each of us.
Bless you little one