- Nov 22, 2003
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This is partially in response to a thread on Struggles and Recovery and partially to a thread on Sexual Assault on this thread.
I do not tend to post in such threads on topics of self harm because what exactly am I suppose to say? I have no answers.
Self harm is seen as a "young person's" problem and yes, it does start when you are young, but what I wanted to share is that it doesn't just stop - documentaries and studies have shown self harm continuing into 50's, 60's and on. I have self harmed since five or six and now I am in my early 30's. For the last 10 years I have tried to stop. Those are the facts.
I can delay it, I can abstain from it for a while, but even after my longest stretch of no cutting for 18 months, when the stress and situations got bad enough, I self harmed.
For those Christians out there, yes, I have prayed about it, had hands laid on two times for it. Wanting and hoping and praying for Jesus's healing may not always be the answer. But when people say, "If you let Jesus in, you just won't do that anymore" it makes me feel so small that I must be such a bad person that Jesus doesn't want to heal me (so while those statments may be encouraging to others, they aren't always to everyone).
I have tried using markers, I have tried using exercise (oh and for those who think exercies cures self harm, you should know that exercise can be used as a form of self harm - not that exercise is bad but it isn't a solution for someone who wants, cries and needs to self harm), I've tried CBT, I've tried will power, reasoning, research, vows, busy work, almost anything I could think of.
Now I have reached the point where I truely do not wish to harm, or at least most of me doesn't not wish to harm, and yet I still do. I don't want to scare anyone but maybe those who are 15, 18, 20 should take a look at me as a possible mirror for thier future - do you really want to be cutting in 10 years, in 15 years, in 20 years? Cuts cause scars, burns cause scars and when you carve "b*t*h" or "Evil" or in my case, "Mea Culpa" into your skin, sometimes it doesn't go away. I thought I'd be dead by 30. Only I found that I loved someone enough that I'd rather live in pain than give her pain. I was always sure in my heart that I was a disposable person. But I'm still here.
I'm getting counselling, I'm getting referred to a specialist in self harm. I am trying to face and deal with the issues that make me want to flay every inch of skin off my body. I don't know if it will work. I hope it does but if it doesn't I'll try something else, or maybe I will find an equilibrium. For those who self harm; please start helping yourself now. I have promised no solutions, and I promise no absence of pain. But I believe that if I am to feel pain anyway, maybe I should feel it working toward the day when I will not need to "make it bleed" in order to not feel as if I am about to fly into a million pieces. There are many programs and support groups for those under 25 - please take advantage of them.
This is my life and I am determined to reclaim it. I know there is a better way out there. I am worth fighting for and I believe for those who self harm, that you are too.
I do not tend to post in such threads on topics of self harm because what exactly am I suppose to say? I have no answers.
Self harm is seen as a "young person's" problem and yes, it does start when you are young, but what I wanted to share is that it doesn't just stop - documentaries and studies have shown self harm continuing into 50's, 60's and on. I have self harmed since five or six and now I am in my early 30's. For the last 10 years I have tried to stop. Those are the facts.
I can delay it, I can abstain from it for a while, but even after my longest stretch of no cutting for 18 months, when the stress and situations got bad enough, I self harmed.
For those Christians out there, yes, I have prayed about it, had hands laid on two times for it. Wanting and hoping and praying for Jesus's healing may not always be the answer. But when people say, "If you let Jesus in, you just won't do that anymore" it makes me feel so small that I must be such a bad person that Jesus doesn't want to heal me (so while those statments may be encouraging to others, they aren't always to everyone).
I have tried using markers, I have tried using exercise (oh and for those who think exercies cures self harm, you should know that exercise can be used as a form of self harm - not that exercise is bad but it isn't a solution for someone who wants, cries and needs to self harm), I've tried CBT, I've tried will power, reasoning, research, vows, busy work, almost anything I could think of.
Now I have reached the point where I truely do not wish to harm, or at least most of me doesn't not wish to harm, and yet I still do. I don't want to scare anyone but maybe those who are 15, 18, 20 should take a look at me as a possible mirror for thier future - do you really want to be cutting in 10 years, in 15 years, in 20 years? Cuts cause scars, burns cause scars and when you carve "b*t*h" or "Evil" or in my case, "Mea Culpa" into your skin, sometimes it doesn't go away. I thought I'd be dead by 30. Only I found that I loved someone enough that I'd rather live in pain than give her pain. I was always sure in my heart that I was a disposable person. But I'm still here.
I'm getting counselling, I'm getting referred to a specialist in self harm. I am trying to face and deal with the issues that make me want to flay every inch of skin off my body. I don't know if it will work. I hope it does but if it doesn't I'll try something else, or maybe I will find an equilibrium. For those who self harm; please start helping yourself now. I have promised no solutions, and I promise no absence of pain. But I believe that if I am to feel pain anyway, maybe I should feel it working toward the day when I will not need to "make it bleed" in order to not feel as if I am about to fly into a million pieces. There are many programs and support groups for those under 25 - please take advantage of them.
This is my life and I am determined to reclaim it. I know there is a better way out there. I am worth fighting for and I believe for those who self harm, that you are too.
