seeking advice

[bobtherobert]

My girlfriend was sexually assaulted before I knew her more than once, she reported it the first time, but she didn't know who he was, and the police never found him. The town where she was from seemed to turn on her, saying she was "promiscuous". Even her own parents were telling her to lie to police, because they were embarrassed...

2 years later, she was assaulted by someone she "sort-of" knew, and then again last year, a third time by someone she considered a friend. She didn't report it the second or third time, because after the first time, she would never go through all the slander, and agony of being constantly called "liar" or "promiscuous" again.

We sometimes talk about it, but I can't even imagine all the hurt inside of her... I just wish I could make it all better for her, but i can't. She recently agreed to start counseling, but I think that's going to be a very long road. Is there any support I can give her besides being a shoulder to cry on? I feel so useless, and wish I could do more.

 

[shazabella]

Hey Bob,

it is a very tough road supporting a survivor because sometimes we can't articulate our pain and you as her main support are basically flying blind. One thing i can say is make sure you have external support to help you deal with the issues this brings up for you because i doubt she will have the capacity to deal with anything besides her own issues.

As a survivor it's hard to go through the experience once let alone multiple times and i commend you for sticking with her during this extremely hard time and being supportive to her when everyone else refuses to.

One resource that i highly recommend is "Allies in Healing" by Ellen Bass, it talks about partners of survivors of child sex abuse whilst it mightn't directly apply to your situation it does have a great deal of good information.

Hope that helps, btw welcome to CF

- Shaz

 

[BelindaP]

Being a shoulder to cry on is more helpful than you can imagine. There are so many men out there who would never believe that it could happen three times. Unfortunately, many victims of rape or sexual abuse lose the ability to protect themselves. Some even unwittingly put themselves into dangerous situations. I know, because I used to be that way.

She is going to have a very long road ahead of her, but it is important for her to know that she has a strong ally in you. There are probably going to be times when she doesn't want to share with you or even be around you. That is normal--it is part of the healing process. Even if she seems distant, it is a great comfort to her to know you will be there for her when it is over.

If you go so far as getting married, it will bring up issues yet again, especially if you have been celibate up until the marriage. It will take some adjustment on both sides, but as she heals, your relationship will grow that much stronger.

God bless you for being such a stand up guy! The world could use a few more of those.

 

[bobtherobert]

I found out the name of the one she thought was her friend... I really want to pay him a visit and cause him a world of pain and suffering... it's all I can think of...
she has no idea that I know...

 

[BelindaP]

As mad as you are, it wouldn't be worth it. She needs a shoulder to cry on, not an inmate to visit.

 

[sethad]

My girlfriend was sexually assaulted before I knew her more than once, she reported it the first time, but she didn't know who he was, and the police never found him. The town where she was from seemed to turn on her, saying she was "promiscuous". Even her own parents were telling her to lie to police, because they were embarrassed...

2 years later, she was assaulted by someone she "sort-of" knew, and then again last year, a third time by someone she considered a friend. She didn't report it the second or third time, because after the first time, she would never go through all the slander, and agony of being constantly called "liar" or "promiscuous" again.

We sometimes talk about it, but I can't even imagine all the hurt inside of her... I just wish I could make it all better for her, but i can't. She recently agreed to start counseling, but I think that's going to be a very long road. Is there any support I can give her besides being a shoulder to cry on? I feel so useless, and wish I could do more.

I was blamed too and after the initial report I never reported any more people again.

There's a lot of misunderstandings about abuse, unfortunately.

It's tempting to kick butt...but that would only do harm to yourself and her.

 

[Breezy3]

I used to live my life with revenge in mind and how I was going to hurt people back worse than they hurt me or someone I loved, but I have discovered through the years that revenge eventually comes back and causes more pain than what I inflicted trying to get back at them. You hurting this person will not change the circumstances and what happened, but it could make things much worse. I encourage you to focus your attention on being there to listen, be supportive, etc. and do not forget to take care of yourself in all of this cuz you matter too!

 

[summersnow]

encorage her to talk about it. its very important that she has that person to talk to. when she decides to talk about it be very open.

 

[jesusxchick]

You're doing really great by just being a shoulder to cry on now.

Let her know that you're ALWAYS there for her. Just having someone there for you is more helpful than you can imagine. Being encouraging to her and just be there for her.

God Bless You

 

[bobtherobert]

We had a big talk about it tonight again, it seems she goes through phases, from sad to happy, but after Christmas she's decided to go to counseling, so she can learn some new coping strategies and talk to others who share her experience... I'm so proud of her

 

[jesusxchick]

Good good, that's so great to hear.

I'll be praying for you both and God Bless

 

[Amin]

Let her know you love her unconditionally. revenge isn't what would help her now. Be sure she knows you believe her 100%, and be her comfort. She needs you as her refuge.
Chuck.

 

[Amin]

We had a big talk about it tonight again, it seems she goes through phases, from sad to happy, but after Christmas she's decided to go to counseling, so she can learn some new coping strategies and talk to others who share her experience... I'm so proud of her

That's great bob.
You are indeed a man among men.
Take Care of her.
Chuck.

 

[LazeyWinde]

That's great bob.
You are indeed a man among men.
Take Care of her.
Chuck.

Indeed. You're a compassionate man Bob.