Second thoughts?

[JennyKatz]

Has anybody else had any second thoughts about their fiancee? I love him, yes, but for some reason, I've been wondering if he's the right one. There are many reasons why he's an amazing guy, and I think he would make an excellent husband, but I find myself debating if I ought to marry him. I'm not even sure my reasons for doubting our relationship are that good. How do I differentiate between serious doubts and the usual "Oh, what if?" thoughts that I'm sure everyone has? Advice and/or prayers would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Just before I married my -ex- husband? I had doubts. Big ones but confusing ones, I couldn't "put my finger on it" so to speak. I put them aside and married him anyway, and look where that ended me? Divorced.

I am re-married and never for one moment have I doubted.


Doubts can be normal or doubts could be a sign of a serious problem not yet identified. If you are doubting? Do not get married, not yet anyway. Cold-feet is something that can wear off or be talked-out, so to differentiate between cold-feet or really-doubting, talk to someone. I'd obviously suggest your fiance, but if not him, I'd go to a family member with marriage experience, your parents, aunts or uncles, a married sibling, etc. Find someone to give you some advice in person in real life, sit down and talk talk talk with someone and that way you will be able to get your feelings out there and mull them over with live feedback.

If no matter what you do you are still doubting? Do not go through with the wedding, please. It is better to put it off than to marry and end up in a bad situation later..

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Has anybody else had any second thoughts about their fiancee? I love him, yes, but for some reason, I've been wondering if he's the right one. There are many reasons why he's an amazing guy, and I think he would make an excellent husband, but I find myself debating if I ought to marry him. I'm not even sure my reasons for doubting our relationship are that good. How do I differentiate between serious doubts and the usual "Oh, what if?" thoughts that I'm sure everyone has? Advice and/or prayers would be appreciated. Thanks!

Depends on what the doubts are. What are they? I can't speak from experience on the doubting as I had no doubts about marrying my wife, but if you're wondering if he's really the one, then I'd consider that major doubts and something that warrants taking a step back.

 

[adamjthompson]

Having doubts seems to be very normal and doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't get married. On the other hand, being in love tends to cloud our thinking.

I would suggest premarital counseling and/or talk your doubts over with a respected, older, godly friend who has a good marriage.

 

[adamjthompson]

Has anybody else had any second thoughts about their fiancee? I'm not even sure my reasons for doubting our relationship are that good.

FYI, it was the same for me. Talking my doubts over with a godly man who has a wonderful marriage really helped me get a better perspective.

 

[gzt]

You will have to take it doubt-by-doubt. And keep this in mind if it does come to that: there's no shame in backing out of an engagement. It's not embarrassing or shameful. It's better than the alternative: I've known people who made that mistake.

Okay, so, anyway: everybody has doubts and you should be concerned if you didn't have any. One thing to keep in mind is the gravity of the doubts. Are they really things that will matter for the success of the marriage? Or are they frivolous things? Or are they just a vague sense of uneasiness? That last one is something to pay attention to. It could be something important, or it could be a fear of commitment. Talk through your doubts and see if anything falls out.

 

[Starcradle]

As Blue Impulse stated, I began having severe doubts regarding my ex that I could not "put my finger on." Fortunately, he is an ex fiance and not an ex husband. When I severed our relationship, I was inundated with relief. I never anticipated such a response from my own heart, yet that is precisely what occurred.

With my present fiance, I have absolutely no doubts. I cannot wait to begin our lives together!

 

[Luther073082]

No second thoughts what so ever.

Almost 7 months after asking her and 6 months left to go til the wedding I'm still absolutly certain about marrying my Fiancee.

 

[Tannic]

I'm having these same feelings and they are not good. They get me down and I don't know how to deal them. I'm in a long distance relationship. I live in South Carolina and she lives in Michigan. Its been almost 7 months... Its really hard for me because I found myself becoming interested in someone else. Its not like I don't love the girl in Michigan but I've been having doubts for a long time. This was going on before I even got the job and moved. Than its the wedding, her parents it seems are not going to help pay for anything. And we are already in a strain financially and it looks like everything is falling on me. She hates her job and wants to quit and not done with school. I'm graduated and found a job with the government. I'm at a lost here...

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I've been intimidated by thinking about all that is involved in a marriage, but as for knowing I'm marrying the right guy -- I'm sure I am. I haven't had any second thoughts or doubts about him.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Has anybody else had any second thoughts about their fiancee?

I had second thoughts with my first husband. I didn't listen to them... boy was that a mistake.

Some people like to push aside second thoughts as "nothing but cold feet" -- but if second-thoughts ever haunt you, please make sure to listen and examine the situation more closely.

Of course there are some situations where second thoughts are simply nervousness, but I think if that's the case, you can debunk them fairly easily with an in-depth examination of your relationship and your lives together.


I had zero second thoughts when I married my current husband. No regrets to this day

 

[Luther073082]

I had second thoughts with my first husband. I didn't listen to them... boy was that a mistake.

Some people like to push aside second thoughts as "nothing but cold feet" -- but if second-thoughts ever haunt you, please make sure to listen and examine the situation more closely.

Of course there are some situations where second thoughts are simply nervousness, but I think if that's the case, you can debunk them fairly easily with an in-depth examination of your relationship and your lives together.

I had zero second thoughts when I married my current husband. No regrets to this day

I would just try to ask yourself some questions.

"Are these fears reasonable and/or logical?"
"Are these fears that would apply no matter who I married?"

For example, I do have fears about marriage. But I have no fears or second thoughts on who I'm marrying.

The reason is that any fears I have about marriage would apply no matter who I was marrying. And I suspect that they are ordinary fears that any reasonable person who takes marriage seriously would have.

For example I guess my biggest fear is that my fiancee will change in a major way.

But to me that just strikes me as an ordinary fear, something that I think every reasonable person who is about to make a serious lifetime committment would have.

 

[Danger9908]

To everyone saying that it is ok to just back out of an engagement without shame because it could end up in divorce, that may not be the best advice to give. The reason divorce happens is not because we marry the wrong person but because we lack trust in God. No matter what the situation is, we are to trust God in the situation. Our God does not say, oh look things are bad, I can't help you. He encourages us to trust Him regardless of what our circumstances are. Divorce is something that is brought on by the enemy attack on us. The enemy wants to see broken marriages, broken relationships, and wants to encourage us that it is ok to just tread engagements and marriages like they are things to be played with. In biblical times engagements were treated as marriages without the actually wedding ceremony. The dating phase is the time for doubts to be brought up and addressed, an engagement should only happen once you have both turned to God and He has shown you that it is right. Any doubt after that is doubting God, and if that is the case, it is your relationship with God that needs work. Trusting Him comes first, and having doubts, is changing emotion, which the enemy can easily target. We Love because of our character, not because of our emotions. If God has shown you one way, and your human self wants another because it seems right or feels right, then it is you putting yourself before God. We serve God not because things are going good, but out of obedience and to doubt something God has already shown to you is lack of faith, and the enemy loves it when you doubt, and when other believers tell you that it's ok to go against something God has already laid on your heart. If divorce comes, it is not because it was wrong, but because as a couple you could not trust God to keep things together. The reason divorce is sin is not because God wants us to be stuck, but because God wants us to trust Him in keeping the marriage together when the devil comes and tears us apart.