Scrupulosity or me? **Possible trigger

[flowerforever7]

Hi,

Perspectives, insights and thoughts appreciated on two things below:

Aggressive thoughts
I have a severe form of OCD that manifests itself as scrupulosity. (The particular bent I deal with is exessive vow making, promises, denial of things & blasphemous intrusive thoughts.) Sometimes I will feel compelled to deny myself something. It could be a fast for someone, not doing anything related to work on a Sunday, or doing a specific task first because it holds the most spiritual importance. Obviously, all of these things are rooted in convictions to some degree or another. I get them fairly frequently. Obviously, there are times where I do not want to deny myself, because of fleshly reasons (I just want to do what I want to do). Other times I do not want to deny myself because I am tired and fed up of denying myself so much. (I know that sounds awful). I am not sure if this is OCD or not but when I feel resistance, the term F*you shoots from what feels like my heart while an image of a dove is in my mind. (Obviously the dove is symbolism for the Holy Spirit). I get so angry after this happens! I am wondering if this is OCD or if I may subconsiously or consciously really mean it and it is coming out that way. It also angers me because whatever it was I wanted to do that I was feeling compelled to deny, I can no longer do because of the F*you thought. I would feel like in taking the action it would be saying that it is okay to have that type of thought toward the Holy Spirit. I have had so many of these thoughts and there are so many things I wanted to do I can no longer do. I worry incessantly that if I went ahead and did them I would lose my salvation, because what if it I really meant it subconsiously or consciously -even for a split second (in feeling frusterated at the pull to deny myself). What are your thoughts?

Making vows
I have a thing with making promises. I don't know exactly why I do this. For example, today, I was at a Church gathering. There was the option to have a dessert afterward. I was feeling full at that point so I thought I would have no dessert in my head; I then took it a step further and vowed/promised that I would not have dessert. When the time came to have dessert I wanted some, but remembered my vow. I thought that if I were to have dessert I would be breaking my promise to God and would be condemned. I do this particular type of thing a lot. Since I take making a vow or telling God you will or will not do something very seriously, I try to avoid at all costs breaking the vow or promise. I will make promises or vows to God that I will not buy a specific product from a specific weblink. I keep going through other web links, and other reasons come up why I cannot get the thing on the next link, either I have an intrusive thought and then I vow not to buy from the site. There are so many things I have denied myself of. Things and opportunities I really wanted in life because of this. I wonder if I should just not try to do anything anymore, because OCD seems to eat holes in my conscience on whatever it is I try to go after be it a bagel, a book, a ministry idea, a career opportunity, an apartment, and so on. I feel like OCD is eating my mind, life, opportunities and very dreams away. I am wondering if subconsiously I feel like it is not okay to have desires or something, or that I am not allowed to enjoy myself in life. I'm not sure... any thoughts on this?

 

[dabro]

Hun, You have OCD I no that you won't believe me but you do. It must be hard having intrusive images go thru your head but none of them are of any validty. Your OCD pulls on your worst fears and just naggs away at them. I'll be praying for you.

 

[tripletiger1200]

Your first section headed in bold sounds almost exactly like what I go through every day. The first thing to remember is that if you are in Christ, God loves you no matter what. You do not have to work yourself ragged to gain His approval. The second thing to remember is that the intrusive thoughts are OCD, not you. You are not held accountable. The last thing to remember is that you have to surrender everything to God. I believe, at least in my life, that this means surrendering the OCD fear. Just ask Him to work in you and reassure you that He still loves you, He has a hold on you, and that the thoughts are OCD. As bad as it can be sometimes, my OCD symptoms and anxiety have improved tenfold since God taught me these things and reassured me. I'll pray for you.

 

[bess30598]

I just wanna echo what others have said and say that you can at least rest assured you are not alone and this is not of God. This sounds so much like what I go through. I think for us, sometimes we come to view God as a rigid parent supervising their child. For the child who longs to please their parent, it's safer to engage in pious acts such as doing chores or studying; it's impossible for the parent to disapprove of that, right? You're safe there. But go out and play, pick up a toy that amuses you or do something you WANT to do, and you risk being told to put it down or to stop. And that might be very disappointing and painful. So out of fear we stick with the pious stuff. We eat a diet of bland green vegetables only because to allow ourselves to eat something delicious might displease this frowning parent. I know all too well. This is not the abundant life. I just want to encourage you with the thought that "to be Spiritual minded is life and PEACE (Romans 8:6). We aren't meant to live this way. Obviously the knowledge of this fact doesn't relieve our problem. But it gives hope that it's not meant to live this way and God wants more us than this. That gives us hope. You can count on that because the Bible says so. Prayers to you!