Schadenfreude?

[DZoolander]

So I know this couple...in fact I've known them since we were in Jr. High.

We used to have a pretty close knit group of friends that lasted all throughout Jr. High and High School - and for a while after. There were a number of girls that were hanger-ons as well. One girl in specific pretty much banged every guy in the group (save me and one other buddy of mine) over the years. She eventually ended up getting married to one of the guys...and it was one of the most bizarre wedding ceremonies I'd ever seen.

She had banged everyone up on the altar (minus the priest). The best man, all the groomsmen, and a number of guys in the audience. But - they got married anyhow. Personally, I wouldn't have done it if I were that guy (the again I wouldn't have dated her either.)

Anyhow - a couple of years pass and she ended up having an affair with one of the groomsmen - and the guy divorces her. She ends up getting into a relationship with the groomsman - which lasts a couple of years.

Today she posts on FB "My relationship is over - there are some things I just can't get past"...rather cryptically.

Does it make me a horrible person for being all judgy about the situation as a whole - and having the thoughts I'm having? lol

 

[mkgal1]

Horrible person? Uh......no. I don't think that applies. I'd guess that it's not so much that you're getting pleasure out of her pain....but more that you feel a bit vindicated in your conjecture on how the relationship would (or not) work out. I also wouldn't really (necessarily) call it being "judgy"....but, more, just being realistic.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I agree with MKGal... your just being realistic. I'm a realist and say things how they are. Some take it as judging. I think thats mainly because the christian culture has been taught to act like kids when confronted with anything... "Your judging me!!!". Instead of realizing some people are just being realistic. Or are being correctful as the bible says we can do.

Your story reminds me some women I know who ignore the advice given, get married then later regret getting married because the advice given was true and they ignored it. I don't feel for them because I was being realistic about the advice. If you want to ignore advice then don't come to me crying when things happen you were warned about. Or in other words if I tell you the stop is hot and will hurt you, don't come to me in tears because you put your hand on the stove anyway to see if I was wrong.

 

[Autumnleaf]

In the Marines I knew a guy who married a party girl like that. The other guys liked her but many had slept with her, they wouldn't marry her. I never did. I felt bad for the guy because he really loved her. When I met the girl she seemed nice enough. Maybe if the guy sticks around and doesn't judge her she will be loyal. I don't know.

In your story it seems like she cheated on the husband. Some women turn to women to talk when things get rough and others have sex with other men. I don't know why that is, but it is damaging.

 

[DZoolander]

In your story it seems like she cheated on the husband. Some women turn to women to talk when things get rough and others have sex with other men. I don't know why that is, but it is damaging.

Yep - she cheated on him with one of our other old friends (who was a groomsman in their wedding) - and he divorced her as a result of it. She and that guy then began a relationship which lasted a few years...but apparently is now over.

Her cryptic messages on FB kinda lead me to believe that he must have cheated on her or something...and she just can't "deal with it". lol

 

[kristina411]

Horrible person? No. Judge mental? Absolutely and you have no right, as Jesus has told us. If He could forgive a prostitute, who are you to condemn a scandalous woman? Your friends are no better as they chose to bed her themselves. She is not solely to blame. It is also the responsibility of the man to say no as well. And honestly speaking, I'm rather saddened at the "holier than thou" mentality I'm seeing. My suggestion would be to stop worrying about her choices and pray for her.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, it's not so much a "lack of forgiveness" issue that I'm witnessing within myself. It's more of a "Well, who couldn't have seen that coming?" issue.

Choices do have repercussions, ya know?

 

[DZoolander]

Kinda like...if I were to jump off a cliff and suddenly a phone miraculously ended up in my hand. I can't see myself taking that time to post an update to FB bemoaning the repercussions of my choice.

 

[mkgal1]

....that she *did* post that FB gripe leads me to believe that it won't be the last one of its kind from her.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Some people like to see karmic* justice done. "Well, he got what's coming to him." Or, "She's been asking for that." I don't think that's so much schadenfreude, which to me is more like taking amusement when someone slips and falls on a patch of ice.

Hubby notes that the only time his former wife ever laughed was when she was watching the pain and suffering of another human being. Case in point, he says she found the whole Jimmy Swaggart "I have sinned" spectacle to be hysterically funny.

Then there's people like my own ex, who like to play that game of "Whatever annoys you most, I'll be sure and do that, and the angrier you get about it, the more I'm going to laugh." That's what I think of as schadenfreude.

IMO, I don't think you're being judgmental either.

___
* Trivia note: While the word "karma" comes from outside of Christianity, I don't think it's incompatible, because the Bible says you reap what you sow. That's what I define as "karma."

 

[DZoolander]

Gotta admit - I liked her ex husband a lot more than I like her...so when the whole nonsense with her cheating on him with one of the groomsmen went down it made me wince (although it was none of my business - so I wasn't going to get involved).

I was happy to see the guy go on with his life - find a new lady/get married - and now has what he wanted (which is a devoted loving wife/happy life)...and I was always kinda curious to see how this other thing was going to evolve.

What I'm really curious about (and however can't ask for obvious reasons) - is I wonder what this thing is that "she just can't deal with"

 

[endofrope]

Sounds like business as usual in the World as best as I can remember it.

Extra points for whoever gets the reference. (not too hard)

 

[mkgal1]

I happened to think of this thread today, because I'm wondering if I'm taking a bit of delight from someone's pain. If you're meaning this thread to be on the broader topic of schadenfreude....I wonder if I'm guilty of that?

Someone I'm acquainted with always had this (what I thought was) an annoying sense of disregard for other's struggles. Her attitude always seemed to be, "there's no suffering you could go through that matches those in other countries---so pull up your boot straps and stop whining". It always seemed so cold----so dismissive....so uncaring. Well......now she's going through something....and I am having a difficult time not being glad that she now has a bit of understanding (and will hopefully be a bit more compassionate in the future). Is that the same thing as "taking delight in someone else's pain"? Even if it's for the better?

 

[Tropical Wilds]

So I know this couple...in fact I've known them since we were in Jr. High.

We used to have a pretty close knit group of friends that lasted all throughout Jr. High and High School - and for a while after. There were a number of girls that were hanger-ons as well. One girl in specific pretty much banged every guy in the group (save me and one other buddy of mine) over the years. She eventually ended up getting married to one of the guys...and it was one of the most bizarre wedding ceremonies I'd ever seen.

She had banged everyone up on the altar (minus the priest). The best man, all the groomsmen, and a number of guys in the audience. But - they got married anyhow. Personally, I wouldn't have done it if I were that guy (the again I wouldn't have dated her either.)

Anyhow - a couple of years pass and she ended up having an affair with one of the groomsmen - and the guy divorces her. She ends up getting into a relationship with the groomsman - which lasts a couple of years.

Today she posts on FB "My relationship is over - there are some things I just can't get past"...rather cryptically.

Does it make me a horrible person for being all judgy about the situation as a whole - and having the thoughts I'm having? lol

Horrible? No. But I think we're supposed to say such things are not good for the soul in the long run.

I say "I think we're supposed to say" because, honestly, this is one of the biggest things I struggle with. When somebody who's been miserable to me has some misery of the same level returned to them, I find a level of satisfaction in it that I know I shouldn't.

Like there's a woman that my husband and I worked with... And she was awful to me. To my face, behind my back, you name it. I tried and I tried to be nice, but she just threw it in my face. She made nice with my husband (her boss) to his face... Until we linked up. Then she made nice to his face for awhile, and tore him apart behind his back. After awhile, she didn't even try to be nice to him and tear him down behind his back... She was openly vicious to him. And we did nothing to this woman. She made his work life miserable, and because she's friends with his ex, she'd wind his ex all up and let her loose on us, she'd stick her nose in our business via his ex, then she'd blab about every last drop of our dirty laundry, making sure to drag it through more mud before airing it.

Then she did a ridiculously awful thing to us, which I won't get into, that made it really hard to even be friendly to her face.

Well, no surprise, she's an awful employee and was on the brink of being fired for years. Through temper tantrums, threats, and the rest of it, she skated on borrowed time for years.

Finally, two weeks ago, the woman was fired.

The nice part of me should have felt awful for her. She has a rocky marriage, a spouse who's not a great guy, and she will never ever find a job that pays like the one she was fired from or has the hours she had... A devastating change for anybody, this will be infinitely harder for her than most. Even my husband was saying he thought that her husband, who had one foot out the door their whole marriage anyway, would probably walk out.

Then the rest of me, who remembers how she used to introduce me as my husband's (her boss's) wh*re to new employees, who called our son an ugly b*stard, who put my husband through the ringer professionally, and who did unnamed awful thing...

That part of me wanted to call her up, laugh, and hang up. Repeatedly.

I feel awful for saying it, I really do. And I know how awful it is to say and feel and I know this is the sin I struggle with. I've prayed about it and I'm realizing this is my flaw, and it's a bad one. That said, there are only two people in the world who I'd get genuine satisfaction in their misfortune, and she's one of them. While I feel awful about what happens as a result of her lost job, I can't say I have sympathy for the fact she lost it. She worked harder to lose it than most people work to keep it.

 

[DZoolander]

lol - I would definitely be dancing a jig at that woman's misfortune were it me.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

To this day, not even the absolute slightest clue what I did to irritate her. Not the foggiest. From the day I started work, from the moment we were introduced, she was hell on wheels.

What I never got...

She accused me of having an affair. Yet, she had a long term affair.
She said I got fat, she gained as much weight and more than I did in the same span of time.
Said I was lazy, she just stopped showing up to work for a few days and said nothing.
She says I'm a nut (?!), they had to re-write write-ups protocol after she assaulted a supervisor and ran crying from work.

I didn't get it. I still don't.

I think it may just be "misery loves company."

 

[Odetta]

Sounds like that lady should have been fired a long time ago. Sheesh.

 

[BigDaddy4]

To this day, not even the absolute slightest clue what I did to irritate her. Not the foggiest. From the day I started work, from the moment we were introduced, she was hell on wheels.

What I never got...

She accused me of having an affair. Yet, she had a long term affair.
She said I got fat, she gained as much weight and more than I did in the same span of time.
Said I was lazy, she just stopped showing up to work for a few days and said nothing.
She says I'm a nut (?!), they had to re-write write-ups protocol after she assaulted a supervisor and ran crying from work.

I didn't get it. I still don't.

I think it may just be "misery loves company."

I know that feeling that you, Ezoo, and MK have shared, although not to that much extent. I allow myself to revel in the irony and laugh at the situation, mentally saying "I knew it" or "I told you so" a thousand times over.

But the more I want to rub it in their face and gloat about it, the more I think that will not accomplish anything. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their actions, not me. And that is generally punishment enough. Maybe they'll get an "ah ha" moment and the light bulb will go off that they need to change, or maybe not.

I usually end up praying that they will realize the error of their ways and find God, and thanking God that I don't have to carry the burdens they do.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Sounds like that lady should have been fired a long time ago. Sheesh.

Yeah, she should have been.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I know that feeling that you, Ezoo, and MK have shared, although not to that much extent. I allow myself to revel in the irony and laugh at the situation, mentally saying "I knew it" or "I told you so" a thousand times over.

But the more I want to rub it in their face and gloat about it, the more I think that will not accomplish anything. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences of their actions, not me. And that is generally punishment enough. Maybe they'll get an "ah ha" moment and the light bulb will go off that they need to change, or maybe not.

I usually end up praying that they will realize the error of their ways and find God, and thanking God that I don't have to carry the burdens they do.

Yeah, I realize that gloating really accomplishes nothing. In this situation, the best I can muster is to try and mute the gloating and just mind my own business.