Prayed for you last night and this morning.
Just so you know - I'm a 48 year old female. Pain and suffering touch a lot of different types of people in many ways.
You already know I also have a 17 year old son and as a mom, the last thing I'd want to see is him suffer from something he feels trapped in and not able to get out of. This is the kind of stuff suicides are made of and I'm sure your mom too would want to see you overcome this. If you can tell her about it and enlist her assistance to get help - support is the path to recovery.
This started 6 years ago, means you were 11 years old. No 11 year old could face that and not be overwhelmed and confused by it.
Six years is a long time to carry this. I don't think I've ever met someone who's found themselves in this situation who can get themselves out without help; and I think you've suffered alone long enough. When Lazarus came out of the tomb, Jesus told the people around him to unwrap him. We are the body of Christ. He put us here to help each other.
Not to fret about God; He understands your sexuality better than you do. He created us a certain way for a reason.
He also allowed the two of us to cross paths for a reason. If you're too afraid to talk to your mom about this right now; I'll do whatever I can to help you find the help you need. It's important to you, it's important to me and it's important to God that you be freed from this. We all face the trial of having to be brave though. God will send you people to help you and different folks to point you further down the path. The whole recovery process started for me almost 30 years ago. There've been a lot of people in my path. You can overcome this. I will tell you this right now though; it's not going to be an easy journey and it's not going to happen over night. There are a lot of bricks that got you to the place you are now and there will be a lot of bricks to walk on the way back out. There are other's who've walked this journey; and if you are afraid / think that you are homosexual, there are people who've walked that journey too.
And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten, the cankerworm, and the caterpiller, and the palmerworm, my great army which I sent among you.
And ye shall eat in plenty, and be satisfied, and praise the name of the Lord your God, that hath dealt wondrously with you: and my people shall never be ashamed.
Joel 2:24-26