scared and don't know what to do

[Bridgetbride]

Hi, I have never posted here before but found this website when looking for support. I am hoping someone can help me. I have been married for almost 11 years and have 3 year old twins. Our relationship has had ups and downs but it has never been this bad before.

My husband is furious with me. We went to an amusement park and then a week later to a soccer game. Both times we brought hearing protection but we were in the direct sun and could communicate without raising our voices so I did not make my kids wear the hearing protection the entire time. I made them wear them at the start of the soccer game and when our team might score but that’s it as I did not want them to overheat and felt there was not much noise (they were already sweating from the heat).

Last year we disagreed about using hearing protection at the amusement park so we used to phone app to gauge the noise level at the noisiest area at the little kid section and it was not even close to being too loud. My extended family (a few of which are doctors) were at these activities as well and agreed with me that it really was not very loud and it would be better for my kids not to wear the hearing protection since it was so hot.

My husband is extremely mad at me and told me several times that I am not just a bad mom but an abusive one since I am damaging my kids’ hearing. He got mad at me in front of my nieces and children (telling me what a bad mom I am). When we got back from the soccer game we were both in the kitchen and I asked him politely to move to I could put dishes in the dishwasher. He grabbed a cup and slammed it to the ground right next to me. It scared me so I yelped but luckily it was hard plastic so did not break. My kids came in to ask if I was ok since they thought I had fallen. My husband said everything was fine and that I just dropped something. That night, my husband ignored my kids and did not want to even say goodnight to them.

He spent the next day after work in our basement and I did not see him until he came up at night and I could see how mad he was. I told him that my daughter was almost asleep but still awake. He ignored me and started screaming in my face swearing at me and telling me how terrible of a mom I am. When he left to go back to the basement my daughter came in and told me I am not a bad mom.

This really frightened me but I do not like sharing my personal problems with people. However, I phoned him mom, who I am not that close to, since I thought she would be a neutral person and told her he was very angry and if she could ask him to spend some time at her house. I did however ask her not to tell my husband I phoned as that would make him even angrier. She agreed and I got some time without him at the house yesterday which was awesome.

I am scared and am locking my bedroom door when I am sleeping and try to avoid being in the same room as him (which has not been too hard since he is hanging out in the basement away from the kids and me). I am trying to pretend like everything is ok but my kids aren’t stupid. They know they have not seen their dad for a few days and ask about him.

The soccer game was on Saturday and it is now Tuesday and I am still scared to be alone with him. I thought about packing his things and changing my house locks until he calmed down or got help but thought that might just make him even angrier and he might do something to the house to get in. I did not tell my family all of this but my sister knew something was up by the way he was acting around me so said I could take my kids to her place if I need some time away from my husband. However, she lives on an island so would not be able make it to work on time if I moved there.

Please, I need some advice.

 

[Edwin627]

I have never even thought of wearing ear protection at places like this. How many millions of kids go to these places with none and are absolutely fine? AND the risk of heat stroke is far worse in my eyes(which you addressed).

It seems almost unbelievable that he's lost it over something so trivial, is anything else going on?

You seem to be lucky in that your family, even your kids and his mum, are supportive. You should definitely confide in your sister and listen to their advice.

 

[archer75]

Is your husband extremely controlling about other non-important matters?
I'm all for hearing protection but I have no knowledge that such things are dangerous to the ear.

The real problem is your husband.

If your husband is acting crazy, seek a safe place for yourself and your kids. And then help for him, if possible. The last several paragraphs of your OP suggest that maybe this is a good course of action.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hi Bridgetbride, I'm VERY sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's hard for me to believe that your husband would get this exercised over noise at an outdoor park or sporting event (I realize indoor sports can get pretty loud, especially at playoff time, but outdoor?).

I made my living for about 25 years as a symphony musician, so hearing is more than slightly important to me. I used to attend UNBELIEVABLY LOUD indoor rock concerts as a kid however, the type where my hearing was impaired/deadened for a LONG time after the concerts were over. But at 60, hearing is still the the best sense I've got going for me I'm happy to say

It seems to me that something else must be going on. Is you husband an alcoholic? (no need to answer that here, it's just something for you to consider). Or perhaps he's looking to end his marriage with you (people always seem to need to convince themselves that they're not the problem, so they invent ways of doing that by "creating" other reasons for the breakup, in their own minds, at least). Is he having trouble at work or elsewhere, or could he have contracted a disease (like Lyme Disease) that could be at the root of this? This is all simply conjecture, and you need to figure out what's really going on, of course (which I realize is easier said than done in a situation like you're in ).

As far as what to do, you need to talk to him, but you need to feel safe first, and you certainly should not accept abuse from him (even if it is only verbal), so if you need to separate to do that, then separate (not talking divorce here, just to be clear). And I wouldn't keep this a secret from friends/family, and I would definitely go see your priest about it immediately.

*(Have you told him that he's frightening you, that you literally are afraid of him/to be in the same house with him? Or do you not feel safe having that kind of conversation with him? Also, is this kind of behavior/abuse something you've seen in him before now, or is this something brand new?)

Praying for you!

In Christ,
David
p.s. - the Bible tells us pretty specifically how we husbands are supposed to love our wives. What you've described about your husband's recent behavior towards you doesn't even come close to the Biblical mandate I'm sorry to say.

Ephesians 5
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.​

 

[St_Worm2]

Oh, I forgot to say, WELCOME TO CF ..

You might also want to talk to @AMR or another one of our Chaplains around here. We have a private area for such discussions that are not open to the viewing public. Go here: Ask a Chaplain - Private Area

 

[Bridgetbride]

I have never even thought of wearing ear protection at places like this. How many millions of kids go to these places with none and are absolutely fine? AND the risk of heat stroke is far worse in my eyes(which you addressed).

It seems almost unbelievable that he's lost it over something so trivial, is anything else going on?

You seem to be lucky in that your family, even your kids and his mum, are supportive. You should definitely confide in your sister and listen to their advice.

I have never even thought of wearing ear protection at places like this. How many millions of kids go to these places with none and are absolutely fine? AND the risk of heat stroke is far worse in my eyes(which you addressed).

It seems almost unbelievable that he's lost it over something so trivial, is anything else going on?

You seem to be lucky in that your family, even your kids and his mum, are supportive. You should definitely confide in your sister and listen to their advice.

I think you are right. It makes sense that something else is going on. He has always been very concerned about health but this does not make sense. I am not sure what else it would be but I am hoping he will eventually talk to me and maybe I can find out if there is an underlying issue.

 

[Bridgetbride]

Is your husband extremely controlling about other non-important matters?
I'm all for hearing protection but I have no knowledge that such things are dangerous to the ear.

The real problem is your husband.

If your husband is acting crazy, seek a safe place for yourself and your kids. And then help for him, if possible. The last several paragraphs of your OP suggest that maybe this is a good course of action.

Thank you, I will look to see what I can find to get him help. I am not sure if he would be willing to get help but nothing will change if I don't try.

 

[Bridgetbride]

Hi Bridgetbride, I'm VERY sorry to hear about what you are going through. It's hard for me to believe that your husband would get this exercised over noise at an outdoor park or sporting event (I realize indoor sports can get pretty loud, especially at playoff time, but outdoor?).

I made my living for about 25 years as a symphony musician, so hearing is more than slightly important to me. I used to attend UNBELIEVABLY LOUD indoor rock concerts as a kid however, the type where my hearing was impaired/deadened for a LONG time after the concerts were over. But at 60, hearing is still the the best sense I've got going for me I'm happy to say

It seems to me that something else must be going on. Is you husband an alcoholic? (no need to answer that here, it's just something for you to consider). Or perhaps he's looking to end his marriage with you (people always seem to need to convince themselves that they're not the problem, so they invent ways of doing that by "creating" other reasons for the breakup, in their own minds, at least). Is he having trouble at work or elsewhere, or could he have contracted a disease (like Lyme Disease) that could be at the root of this? This is all simply conjecture, and you need to figure out what's really going on, of course (which I realize is easier said than done in a situation like you're in ).

As far as what to do, you need to talk to him, but you need to feel safe first, and you certainly should not accept abuse from him (even if it is only verbal), so if you need to separate to do that, then separate (not talking divorce here, just to be clear). And I wouldn't keep this a secret from friends/family, and I would definitely go see your priest about it immediately.

*(Have you told him that he's frightening you, that you literally are afraid of him/to be in the same house with him? Or do you not feel safe having that kind of conversation with him? Also, is this kind of behavior/abuse something you've seen in him before now, or is this something brand new?)

Praying for you!

In Christ,
David
p.s. - the Bible tells us pretty specifically how we husbands are supposed to love our wives. What you've described about your husband's recent behavior towards you doesn't even come close to the Biblical mandate I'm sorry to say.

Ephesians 5
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,
26 so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.
28 So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;
29 for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,
30 because we are members of His body.​

He isn't an alcoholic (we usually only have alcohol with guests). I hope he is trying not to separate but am not sure if he loves me anymore.

He really likes his job but is considering switching to a new one that is closer to home so he does have some stress with that. If he switches jobs we would have a huge cut in his pay so I am trying to save our money in case we need it next year. He wants to invest any extra money in stocks (which neither of us knows much about so is a huge risk in my opinion) or pay down more of our mortgage. I told him we need to wait to see what is going on with his job before we decide what to do with our savings.

Maybe he is upset because he thinks he has great ideas and I shoot them down...

I have never been frightened of him before now. He is easily upset if he does not get his way but he would typically just say something mean to me and is on the rude side for the rest of the day. We would talk later and then he would apologize.

However, in February I almost died because of an undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy that ruptured one of my Fallopian tubes. It took me a while to get back on my feet so he had to take charge around the house. I think he thought that I was making him do too much and that I was being lazy. At one point he really flipped out and told me he wanted me to die (he never had said that to me before). I was surprised and upset with how much anger he had towards me. I explained to him why it does take a long time to recover and that I was actually doing more activities than my doctors suggested since it is difficult to rest with kids that rely on you.

He will not look at me or reply to any of my texts (I sent him one today asking if he needed anything at the grocery store) so I am not sure how to tell him I am scared to be near him. Also, I don't think he would even want to hear anything from me or care how I feel.

The only problem is that if I tell someone what he has done then they will look at him differently and if my husband changes and doesn't do this again He may never be seen the same way. I am scared of him but do not want to hurt him. That's why I just told his mom since I knew she would love him no matter what I said about him.

 

[Bridgetbride]

Oh, I forgot to say, WELCOME TO CF ..

You might also want to talk to @AMR or another one of our Chaplains around here. We have a private area for such discussions that are not open to the viewing public. Go here: Ask a Chaplain - Private Area

Thank you for the welcome and for letting me know about the private area. Everyone here is so supportive and you are giving me many things to reflect upon that I had not previously considered.

 

[archer75]

He isn't an alcoholic (we usually only have alcohol with guests). I hope he is trying not to separate but am not sure if he loves me anymore.

He really likes his job but is considering switching to a new one that is closer to home so he does have some stress with that. If he switches jobs we would have a huge cut in his pay so I am trying to save our money in case we need it next year. He wants to invest any extra money in stocks (which neither of us knows much about so is a huge risk in my opinion) or pay down more of our mortgage. I told him we need to wait to see what is going on with his job before we decide what to do with our savings.

Maybe he is upset because he thinks he has great ideas and I shoot them down...

I have never been frightened of him before now. He is easily upset if he does not get his way but he would typically just say something mean to me and is on the rude side for the rest of the day. We would talk later and then he would apologize.

However, in February I almost died because of an undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy that ruptured one of my Fallopian tubes. It took me a while to get back on my feet so he had to take charge around the house. I think he thought that I was making him do too much and that I was being lazy. At one point he really flipped out and told me he wanted me to die (he never had said that to me before). I was surprised and upset with how much anger he had towards me. I explained to him why it does take a long time to recover and that I was actually doing more activities than my doctors suggested since it is difficult to rest with kids that rely on you.

He will not look at me or reply to any of my texts (I sent him one today asking if he needed anything at the grocery store) so I am not sure how to tell him I am scared to be near him. Also, I don't think he would even want to hear anything from me or care how I feel.

The only problem is that if I tell someone what he has done then they will look at him differently and if my husband changes and doesn't do this again He may never be seen the same way. I am scared of him but do not want to hurt him. That's why I just told his mom since I knew she would love him no matter what I said about him.

This sounds really disorienting and terrifying.
My opinion: your job is not to fix whatever your husband is going through. That is beyond your power. You have to look to yourself and the kids. In the end, if he is willing, you can help him get counseling.

You'll get better advice on this thread.

 

[live4Christ2016]

This is scary. The fact that he told you that he wanted you to die. That is disturbing. I really don't think you should be alone with him. I think you need to go somewhere else and stay. I don't like his frame of mind. There is something deeper going on here than just not putting headphones on you children's ears.
He sounds controlling and abusive. Please be careful and keep your phone charged in case you need to call someone quickly.
Also, in case you need to leave quickly. Get some bags packed for you and the kids and keep them in the trunk of the car just in case. He sounds so unstable and I would not want to be there.

 

[Bridgetbride]

This is scary. The fact that he told you that he wanted you to die. That is disturbing. I really don't think you should be alone with him. I think you need to go somewhere else and stay. I don't like his frame of mind. There is something deeper going on here than just not putting headphones on you children's ears.
He sounds controlling and abusive. Please be careful and keep your phone charged in case you need to call someone quickly.
Also, in case you need to leave quickly. Get some bags packed for you and the kids and keep them in the trunk of the car just in case. He sounds so unstable and I would not want to be there.

Thank you. I asked him this morning just as he was leaving for work if he could spend time at his parents' house but he ignored me as if I was not in the room. I then asked his mom if she could invite him to spend some time there until he can figure out a way to deal with his anger towards me. I suggested to her that he looks into counselling. She said that she would talk to him and will let me know how it goes. I will take my kids over to my parents until I get word from his mom on what is happening. Thank you for your support.

 

[Bridgetbride]

I know this is several years after my first post but I want to thank you so much for your support. We separated for a bit then he promised to be better. Unfortunately over the years things got worse. I saw two priests for support and they both told me that since it was not safe at home that it made sense to separate. We have now been separated for a year. Things are tough as it seems he is trying to punish me for the separation but my children and I now feel safe when home. Thanks again for all of your support and prayers.