Saying the right thing.

[Rivard]

My gf was pretty upset today about some personal problems. I tried to comfort her and make her feel better but I made it worst.

It seems like I have a problem with saying the wrong things at the wrong times.

She is kinda upset with me too now.

What do I do, what should I tell her ?

 

[plum]

I'm not sure what to tell her, of course...

but sometimes it helps to ask if they would like to talk to you... and ask them if they would like advice, comments, etc... if not, then you could promise to not say anything like that and just comfort them by being a good ear and loving arms...

 

[Rivard]

that could be crazy enough to work!

thanks

 

[flounder7786]

I know, when something is up wiht me, I dont want to talk to ANYONE...especially my boyfriend. Not because i dont love him, just because i dont like to talk to people soo much about my emotions and what is going on. The greatest thing in hte world is that he knows that...so he'll back off from asking "whats wrong whats wrong" but he'll leave me little notes, emails, or flowers...something...saying that he is always here for me, and that he loves me and has been praying for me. then i usually break down and talk to him sometime...

 

[Rivard]

Thanks flounder. my gf is pretty much the same, but you know it's hard to see her depressed, I always feel like I should do something to make her feel better but I end up doing too much. I'll try to back off more next time. Thanks you!

 

[bliz]

Your intent is to help her feel better. I buy that.

But ups and downs and times of sadness and depression are part of life. If you quickly jump in to try and cheer her up she may be hearing you say "I like you better when you are happy. I don't like you when you are like this."

I know that may not be what you mean to say, but she may be hearing that all the same. Then, in addition to whatever she is dealing with, she is then also dealing with a guy who may not seem to like her for who she is, tears and all.

Kick that around... that could be part of what's going on.

 

[Glorianna]

I'm not sure what to tell her, of course...

but sometimes it helps to ask if they would like to talk to you... and ask them if they would like advice, comments, etc... if not, then you could promise to not say anything like that and just comfort them by being a good ear and loving arms...

Yeah, girls are crazy like that sometimes. I know that I am!

 

[Princess Pea]

but sometimes it helps to ask if they would like to talk to you... and ask them if they would like advice, comments, etc... if not, then you could promise to not say anything like that and just comfort them by being a good ear and loving arms...

That's excellent advice!

The following is a generalization about the differences between men and women, so it should not be taken as a blanket statement about everyone on earth. Having said that, consider this:

Sometimes women, in a way that men don't, "vent." This means we're talking about stressful incidents without necessarily looking for a solution. Sometimes a solution isn't even needed! Just talking about our troubles with each other makes us feel better sometimes, especially when our sisters or girlfriends say supportive things like "Wow - I cannot BELIEVE your boss said that to you!" or "That's exactly what MY in-laws did last Christmas!" or "That would have driven anyone crazy - I would have spoken up too." Then they tell about their own stressful incidents, and we offer support, and everyone walks away feeling affirmed and unburdened and more connected to their girlfriends. But often when a man hears a woman vent like this, he tends to hear that she has a problem that needs solving. So he offers advice and a solution, and the woman feels as if he's not listening to her feelings and that maybe he doesn't even think she can handle things! So she gets mad at him for minimizing her and her ability to manage her own problems, when the truth is that he was only trying to help!

You seem like a sweet guy - good luck!

 

[VanillaRose]

I would say let her talk if she needs too. Also, just assure here that you're there for her.

 

[California Dreamin']

My boyfriend seems to say the wrong things to me too... how I would like him to talk to me, would be to tell me that he is not upset or mad at me and that he still loves me... and that everything is okay and that he is SORRY for upsetting me. Hope things get better!

 

[tyberium]

Men are hunters and problem solvers. When we are confronted by a problem we try and solve it. The best way to "say the right thing" is to not say anything at all. Just be there for her. Do not try and fix her problem unless she asks you to.

It sounds harsh, sorry, but that is what works for me.

If she wants an answer you also have the option to not give one right away, sit there and collect your thoughts. Do not speak too quickly and say something that you will regret. If you have no idea at all tell her, and the two of you just talk about it in more detail. Break the problem down into parts and work with that.

Above all always pray about your problems. God is answer to every problem and He will guide you and show you the way.

 

[Rorschach]

I think I have the problem of not saying the wrong thing sometimes as well. Sometimes I'll say something and she'll take it completely the wrong way and get mad at me I gotta learn to back off too, cuz sometimes all she wants is her space!

 

[smiley_777_99]

My boyfriend when he sees that i am upset and that i am hurt he tries anything he can to make what is going on better, but some advice alot of times girls just want to vent they dont want their boyfriend to fix anythin gthye just want someone to tlak to and someone who will listen to them unconditionally

 

[GarethS]

That's excellent advice!

The following is a generalization about the differences between men and women, so it should not be taken as a blanket statement about everyone on earth. Having said that, consider this:

Sometimes women, in a way that men don't, "vent." This means we're talking about stressful incidents without necessarily looking for a solution. Sometimes a solution isn't even needed! Just talking about our troubles with each other makes us feel better sometimes, especially when our sisters or girlfriends say supportive things like "Wow - I cannot BELIEVE your boss said that to you!" or "That's exactly what MY in-laws did last Christmas!" or "That would have driven anyone crazy - I would have spoken up too." Then they tell about their own stressful incidents, and we offer support, and everyone walks away feeling affirmed and unburdened and more connected to their girlfriends. But often when a man hears a woman vent like this, he tends to hear that she has a problem that needs solving. So he offers advice and a solution, and the woman feels as if he's not listening to her feelings and that maybe he doesn't even think she can handle things! So she gets mad at him for minimizing her and her ability to manage her own problems, when the truth is that he was only trying to help!

You seem like a sweet guy - good luck!

Take that advice to the bank, it's gold. If you follow what is above you'll be ok. Women just want us to listen, most likely you can't fix her problem but you can listen, then pray for her.