Sad And Longing

[COD2009]

hello everyone i just returned home from a psychiatric hospital for self mutilation and rage i am really sad because i feel like im destroying my family my mom is totally stressed out my brother barely talks to me my little sister is afraid of me and my dad is just stressed too i feel so bad because i cant seem to break out of this i feel so bad right now i just wish i had someone to talk to yes i have friends but they have never been through this before.

i love my mom and i want to tell her that i just cant get the words out i dont know why i just wish there was some way i could tell her that i was sorry and that i need her but i cant

i also think im sad because of the longing to go "home" i mean im so sad because thats not where i might be going according to my grandpa. he told me i was going to go to hell and that just tore me up even more so i think that i want to kill myself but something is holding me back maybe fear maybe God.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi
When I had my first breakdown I made a mess of my family as well - and I was the trusted husband. But all came good after a few years and my diagnoses as someone with Bi-polar (which was later upgraded to Schizoaffective) and a few more breakdowns to show them that I was sick helped that along.
Please don't consider suicide any longer, however bad you may feel at the moment for what you have done, time will heal the wounds
Please don't believe your Grandfathers judgement, he is hurt and that makes him speak the way he does. God seeks to give mercy especially to those who are sorry for what they have done.
Did the doctors put you on medications?

All the best with this

Gerry

 

[ArmouredSaint]

I really can feel for you and want you to know you are not alone. I hope this is a start by joining the forum.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Hey Hun . With talking to your mom…how about writing her a letter telling her you love her? Sometimes when you can’t say things allowed, you can still write them down.

Also, have you thought about talking to your school counsellor or, if you go to church, your pastor? It sounds like you’re going through a lot at the moment…a lot that you don’t need to go through alone. Hun, you matter and you’re important enough to get the help you deserve. With that, you really do have a purpose in this life. Just as God makes each snowflake beautiful and unique, He made you just as special. You weren’t made in a rush either – He took his time and He moulded you with such love and passion. You really do matter .

If I’m also allowed to suggest, there are some great hotlines in America. The people on the other end are trained counsellors and they know what they’re talking about…they also really care about trying to help you . Some numbers are:

Teen Hope Line: 1-800-394-HOPE (1-800-394-4673)
Youth Crisis Hotline: 1-800-448-4663
Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE​

Give them a call anytime you like COD . Teen Hope Line also has a website with a ‘live’ service that is a little like IM. They’re not on 24/7, but they’re great to talk to too when they’re on.

Other than that, you know you can PM me whenever you like Hun. Would you mind if I prayed for you as well?

 

[FallingWaters]

hello everyone i just returned home from a psychiatric hospital for self mutilation and rage i am really sad because i feel like im destroying my family my mom is totally stressed out my brother barely talks to me my little sister is afraid of me and my dad is just stressed too i feel so bad because i cant seem to break out of this i feel so bad right now i just wish i had someone to talk to yes i have friends but they have never been through this before.

i love my mom and i want to tell her that i just cant get the words out i dont know why i just wish there was some way i could tell her that i was sorry and that i need her but i cant

i also think im sad because of the longing to go "home" i mean im so sad because thats not where i might be going according to my grandpa. he told me i was going to go to hell and that just tore me up even more so i think that i want to kill myself but something is holding me back maybe fear maybe God.

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly.
I have struggled with depression and thoughts of self-harm.

If you want to say something to your mom,
maybe you could write it out?
That way you can say just what you want,
and you don't have to worry about interruptions.

I don't know if your Grandpa is right or wrong,
but I do know that God made you, and He wants you to live.
God loves you with Unconditional Love,
so that you don't have to be "perfect" to be accepted by Him.
You don't have to have your life all "under control"
to be loved by God.
You only need to be humble,
and be willing to admit that you sin,
and that you need God.

Call on the name of Jesus.
Just say His name.
Just say "Help."

 

[Soulwings]

COD

I have been where you are.
I was in the psych ward three times for suicidal ideation/self injury.
And my family was scared (but not of me, as I originally though, but scared for me). And very stressed. I hardly talked with them at all, I didn't tell them that I loved them for about a year, even though I knew that I had hurt them by attempting suicide. Writing a letter to your mum - or even to your entire family, or a separate letter to each of them - is a good idea. They don't have to be long, detailed letters. Just something summing up how much you care about them, and how you don't want to be hurting them, etc.

Going to a school/church counselor, or a pastor, is a very good idea. Or go to an independent counselor. I second what Jeshu asked - are you on meds? Because it does sound like you are majorly depressed (I think that statement deserves a ) and meds can really help with that. It may take awhile to get you hooked up with the right combination of meds, but eventually they'll find a set that works.

And I also believe that as long as you are sorry ("repent of") the whole SI thing ... God is okay with that. I know that He understands, but I also know that He's not okay with you intentionally hurting the body that He has gifted you with. But I can't answer the question of what would happen were you to die. However, I do think that it would be a bad idea to try it. Life is a gift, and it is worth living. You're only 15. You'll get out of this eventually and will see what I/we all can see now. And things will get better.

I'm here if you want to talk - and I agree with Steffi, the helplines that she posted are very good. I contacted one before (although not one of those) and they helped me some. So go for it. *hug*