- Dec 9, 2005
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We all want to be understood.
What I've been finding, as I get older and older, is that fewer and fewer people understand me. I imagine that to be the common lot of older folk. When one approaches fifty, his or her experience (as it seems to me) has, as a rule, grown deep enough that explaining the things learned to others becomes more and more difficult, requiring ever more context. And we can certainly see this in comparison by age with people significantly younger than ourselves, and many of us have that experience in explaining things to children. With young children, it's generally not a big problem, though, because they know us, trust us, and are inclined to faith (one of the things relevant to Christ speaking of becoming as children).
But when we deal with adults, we encounter other experience, and skepticism, and we measure what they say against our own experience, naturally enough, as they do with what we say. And I think that can be a problem, a thing that keeps us from receiving truth, as well as keeping out falsehood. For we can miss truth because we hear something strange that doesn't "jive" with our experience, and the failure may be on the part of the speaker, an inability to deliver context or clarity (something I've been struggling with ever since I've felt I have something to say), but it can also be in the ears that hear. I think we can definitely recognize this if we've ever tried to convey truth to teenagers (something that requires a special kind of wisdom I wish I had more of). The parent knows something, is trying to convey it to the teenager, and the teenager, in his own desire to be knowledgeable and assert himself, rejects it.
Is age a factor? I think so, and I think it a particular error of the West to discount the experience of age. But it is not that older people are automatically wiser or smarter (the "smarts", in particular, may belong to the younger one), just that, in our general attitude of democracy, we extend the idea of equality to things that it is not proper to.
Anyway, it's not age, but the context of experience that I'm driving at here. A thirty-five year-old who spent ten years in a prison camp can blow away a fifty year-old without analogous experience on the subject of being imprisoned (I myself, thankfully, have only a few hours of that unhappy experience). I think anyone with actual and extensive experience of that would be more than a little miffed if they tried to share that experience on a forum like this and found their views treated as of merely the same value as everyone else's (which is often not much), and were told off by other people with opinions.
There are a few things here where I find myself in that situation. I imagine I'm not the only one, it must be that others have special experience in something, yet go ignored or are belittled by those without similar experience on
something. We live in a world that has become pluralistic and global, where the reigning slogan is "Have your say!" and yet, with all of this freedom of speech, we can hardly hear anyone else. We are actively encouraged to have opinions on everything, no matter what our basis in knowledge or experience.
There are a lot of things that I don't know much about, where I am just "Dr Stupid", and I periodically say so when I do have a comment outside of my special experience. But I find it almost impossible to talk about the few things I really DO know something about. When I speak about them, as someone who really has more of that experience and knowledge, I rarely get any reaction but skepticism or am simply ignored. If I quote or say the name of Chesterton, or speak about public schools, or about Russia - things that I really do know more than most about, I get rebuffed - or ignored. On those things, I think I have really important or valuable things to communicate, things that Orthodox Christians in particular could appreciate. There is irony in that we do recognize the need to accept authority. But if I say "Russia", or "public schools", or Chesterton", people shut down and turn me off. And I'm not looking for the psychological reasons for that; I just want to establish the fact and that it cannot be that the problem is 100% in me.
For me, what it comes down to is, are these forums mere vanity? Yes, I am lonely for English, for talking to my fellow countrymen. But small talk is of no interest - I want to talk about what is important. But if on the few things I DO know a good deal about nobody listens - or I get little to no positive reaction, which amounts to the same thing, then what's the point?
I admit that I have things to learn. I try to avoid being a pompous know-it-all ass. I know that, regarding most things, I'm just another jerk. When other people speak on what I know to be their fields of expertise, I believe in shutting up and listening. But what I've experienced, even here, in the best, the politest and most considerate forum I've ever seen, in regards to what I do know, is that people communicate small talk fine, but outside of the teachings of the Church, we don't listen to or acknowledge authority.
I'm really up against leaving forums in general because of this. Unless we can listen to and learn from each other, then all if this is a waste of time. And we have less time than we generally think.
What I've been finding, as I get older and older, is that fewer and fewer people understand me. I imagine that to be the common lot of older folk. When one approaches fifty, his or her experience (as it seems to me) has, as a rule, grown deep enough that explaining the things learned to others becomes more and more difficult, requiring ever more context. And we can certainly see this in comparison by age with people significantly younger than ourselves, and many of us have that experience in explaining things to children. With young children, it's generally not a big problem, though, because they know us, trust us, and are inclined to faith (one of the things relevant to Christ speaking of becoming as children).
But when we deal with adults, we encounter other experience, and skepticism, and we measure what they say against our own experience, naturally enough, as they do with what we say. And I think that can be a problem, a thing that keeps us from receiving truth, as well as keeping out falsehood. For we can miss truth because we hear something strange that doesn't "jive" with our experience, and the failure may be on the part of the speaker, an inability to deliver context or clarity (something I've been struggling with ever since I've felt I have something to say), but it can also be in the ears that hear. I think we can definitely recognize this if we've ever tried to convey truth to teenagers (something that requires a special kind of wisdom I wish I had more of). The parent knows something, is trying to convey it to the teenager, and the teenager, in his own desire to be knowledgeable and assert himself, rejects it.
Is age a factor? I think so, and I think it a particular error of the West to discount the experience of age. But it is not that older people are automatically wiser or smarter (the "smarts", in particular, may belong to the younger one), just that, in our general attitude of democracy, we extend the idea of equality to things that it is not proper to.
Anyway, it's not age, but the context of experience that I'm driving at here. A thirty-five year-old who spent ten years in a prison camp can blow away a fifty year-old without analogous experience on the subject of being imprisoned (I myself, thankfully, have only a few hours of that unhappy experience). I think anyone with actual and extensive experience of that would be more than a little miffed if they tried to share that experience on a forum like this and found their views treated as of merely the same value as everyone else's (which is often not much), and were told off by other people with opinions.
There are a few things here where I find myself in that situation. I imagine I'm not the only one, it must be that others have special experience in something, yet go ignored or are belittled by those without similar experience on
something. We live in a world that has become pluralistic and global, where the reigning slogan is "Have your say!" and yet, with all of this freedom of speech, we can hardly hear anyone else. We are actively encouraged to have opinions on everything, no matter what our basis in knowledge or experience.
There are a lot of things that I don't know much about, where I am just "Dr Stupid", and I periodically say so when I do have a comment outside of my special experience. But I find it almost impossible to talk about the few things I really DO know something about. When I speak about them, as someone who really has more of that experience and knowledge, I rarely get any reaction but skepticism or am simply ignored. If I quote or say the name of Chesterton, or speak about public schools, or about Russia - things that I really do know more than most about, I get rebuffed - or ignored. On those things, I think I have really important or valuable things to communicate, things that Orthodox Christians in particular could appreciate. There is irony in that we do recognize the need to accept authority. But if I say "Russia", or "public schools", or Chesterton", people shut down and turn me off. And I'm not looking for the psychological reasons for that; I just want to establish the fact and that it cannot be that the problem is 100% in me.
For me, what it comes down to is, are these forums mere vanity? Yes, I am lonely for English, for talking to my fellow countrymen. But small talk is of no interest - I want to talk about what is important. But if on the few things I DO know a good deal about nobody listens - or I get little to no positive reaction, which amounts to the same thing, then what's the point?
I admit that I have things to learn. I try to avoid being a pompous know-it-all ass. I know that, regarding most things, I'm just another jerk. When other people speak on what I know to be their fields of expertise, I believe in shutting up and listening. But what I've experienced, even here, in the best, the politest and most considerate forum I've ever seen, in regards to what I do know, is that people communicate small talk fine, but outside of the teachings of the Church, we don't listen to or acknowledge authority.
I'm really up against leaving forums in general because of this. Unless we can listen to and learn from each other, then all if this is a waste of time. And we have less time than we generally think.