I came across this on another childfree board I belong to. A couple are about to have a child and issued their family and friends with the following list to ensure that their wishes were obayed. Its become a bit of an internet hit. Now some things are totally understandable but others are selfish and some are just plain crazy:
First, rules for visiting:
Ok most of these I understand. Number 8 is just plain selfish. If they want someone to pick something up for them then why not ask before the person arrives? I am sure the visitor would be only happy to help out.
Handling the baby:
Hand lotion seems a little overkill but then so does telling people how to handle a child. If I can hold a child without dropping it then anyone can.
Here's where things get a little weird:
Rights and Responsibilities
Erm ok this is beginning to sound crazy. Number three is looking like the most sensible option.
Next
Specific Rules
Unless permitted by B AND K, do not:
Ok some of these again make sense. Number 11 is a little weird. If the child is overweight I don't think people could pick it up anyway.
Finally my personal fave list and the reason I think the childfree board noticed this demand:
Repercussions
erm what? Take pleasure in hurting those who break the rules?????
To be honest I really really hope these rules made up were a joke.
First, rules for visiting:
1. The first weekend after the birth, there are no scheduled visits - you may drop by unannounced and without scheduling between 10 am and 8 pm. It is very much appreciated if you bring a covered dish.
2. With the exception of special occasions (announced by B & K both), all visits during the first two months of our baby's life must be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance. This is to allow the parents and baby to rest without having to play host and hostess to everyone.
3. Scheduled visits will last no longer than two hours.
4. No visit may be scheduled within an hour of each other. This is to provide the family some alone time.
5. You may bring no more than two (2) guests with you on a scheduled visit. Be aware that your guests are your responsibility.
6. B or K may, at any time, end a scheduled visit. We do not need to give you any reason as to why. When we do, simply say goodbye and leave.
7. If you are remotely sick - including a runny nose - you will not be allowed in our home.
8. You may be asked to pick up something for us, or run to the store for us briefly. Please do so, as part of the reason you are visiting us is to help us care for our child.
Ok most of these I understand. Number 8 is just plain selfish. If they want someone to pick something up for them then why not ask before the person arrives? I am sure the visitor would be only happy to help out.
Handling the baby:
*Prior to handling our child, use some of the antibiotic hand lotion provided for you. During the first two months of our child's life, s/he does not have a very strong immune system. Once it has built up, we won't be as paranoid. But until then, you have to use it.
* Always support the baby's head.
* Always use both hands to support the child.
* Never take your eyes off the baby.
* Handling the baby is a privilege you must request (see Specific Rules, below).
Hand lotion seems a little overkill but then so does telling people how to handle a child. If I can hold a child without dropping it then anyone can.
Here's where things get a little weird:
Rights and Responsibilities
1. You have the right to bring healthy food.
2. You have the right to remain silent. Espesially when someone is sleeping.
3. You have the right to not come see our child.
4. You have not only the right but the obligation to point out anything that could physically endanger our child. You may be called on to reasonably justify it.
5. You have the responsibility to ensure that your guests are behaving in a proper manner at all times. Should any of them violate the rules of this document, you will be held accountable.
6. You have the right but not only the responsibility to break any of these rules, as long as it is to preserve the health and physical welfare of the child. Again, be prepared to account for your actions.
Erm ok this is beginning to sound crazy. Number three is looking like the most sensible option.
Next
Specific Rules
Unless permitted by B AND K, do not:
1. Criticize or make any remotely disparaging comment on other people, including other family members.
2. Smoke on our property or in the same general airspace as our child. General airspace is defined as any enclosed structure, or within thirty yards outdoors.
3. Touch or pick up the baby.
4. Take our child to any religious service or event.
5. Criticize or make any remotely disparaging comment on our religious choice and practices.
6. Criticize or make any remotely disparaging comment on breastfeeding, including doing in private, public, or when we should wean.
7. Criticize or make any remotely disparaging comment on our choice to use cloth diapers.
8. Criticize or make any remotely disparaging comment on how we are raising our child.
9. Complain while in our home.
10. Complain about our rules.
11. Pick up our child if our child weighs more than any medically mandated weight limit. This is for both our child's safety as well as your own.
12. Feed the child. This is for two reasons:
1. Breastfeeding has been medically proven to be healthier than formula, and we are giving our child that benefit.
2. When our child is able to begin to eat other foods, we are going to try and avoid food allergies. We will be able to do so by introducing our child to new foods as specified by our doctor. You may have had your own child, but you're still not a doctor.
Ok some of these again make sense. Number 11 is a little weird. If the child is overweight I don't think people could pick it up anyway.
Finally my personal fave list and the reason I think the childfree board noticed this demand:
Repercussions
* Failure to adhere to any of these rules will result in the loss of all visitation rights for a minimum of two weeks on a first offence.
* Excessive or hurtful violations will meet with harsher punishments.
* We will notify you by phone when we are ready to lift the ban.
* Before it can be lifted, you must write a letter stating why what you did was wrong and that you would be willing to allow Brian to enforce any punishment he chooses.
* Any attempt to justify your actions after our decision is made will result in harsher punishment.
* Any attempt to try and convince B or K to keep violations from each other will result in harsher punishment.
* Understand that B will generally take pleasure in hurting others in order to protect the general well being of his wife and child. Your feelings on the matter are irrelevant.
erm what? Take pleasure in hurting those who break the rules?????
To be honest I really really hope these rules made up were a joke.