rules and DID

[Inkachu]

Hmmm. I have seen DW show the amnesia thing when talking about sex. Sometimes 5 minutes later she would swear we never even were talking. Early in our marriage during intimacy she would seemingly go into a trance and become totally unresponsive until after it was over. If I tried to get her attention she would sometimes fly into a rage. Afterward she could not remember it at all.

Does that sound like DID?

Poor woman That is so very sad. If it happens mostly during intimate moments (you say it happened when talking about sex, and then during sex), could it possibly be triggered by past sexual abuse? My heart just breaks for her... poor thing. Is she getting any help?

 

[Inkachu]

My name is Madison I am feling so totally alone with everything. People do not understand me on any level really. Just a daily nightmare. I try not to be pessimistic i really do.

Welcome, Madison I'm glad you're here!

 

[Inkachu]

I know some people are funky about posting links here, but I'd encourage everyone to look up the TED lecture by Eleanor Longden, who was herself diagnosed as schizophrenic, but has made an incredible recovery and now has a unique and valuable perspective on personality disorders, their causes, and challenging traditional reactions and stereotypes.

 

[Dave-W]

Poor woman That is so very sad. If it happens mostly during intimate moments (you say it happened when talking about sex, and then during sex), could it possibly be triggered by past sexual abuse? My heart just breaks for her... poor thing. Is she getting any help?

She endured about 4 years of sexual abuse in grade school. (teen age relative)

I do not know if it is happening currently. We have been married 37 years. IT was every time for probably the first 20 years or so. Now she seems to be coherent but somewhat distant. IYKWIM. She is still rarely interested. And we do not have the conversations that she immediatly forgets anymore either.

While we have had a lot of prayer and biblical couple counseling, there has been no specific counseling for the abuse beyond her forgiving her relative.

I also wonder if at this point there may be a lot more work that any benefit we would get now.(both about age 60).

I have not pursued this much as it seemed to be something that would make a lot of work for her and I would be the primary one to really benefit from it. (she seems fine and comfortable with it) And that is my definition of sinful selfishness.

 

[Inkachu]

She endured about 4 years of sexual abuse in grade school. (teen age relative)

I do not know if it is happening currently. We have been married 37 years. IT was every time for probably the first 20 years or so. Now she seems to be coherent but somewhat distant. IYKWIM. She is still rarely interested. And we do not have the conversations that she immediatly forgets anymore either.

While we have had a lot of prayer and biblical couple counseling, there has been no specific counseling for the abuse beyond her forgiving her relative.

I also wonder if at this point there may be a lot more work that any benefit we would get now.(both about age 60).

I have not pursued this much as it seemed to be something that would make a lot of work for her and I would be the primary one to really benefit from it. (she seems fine and comfortable with it) And that is my definition of sinful selfishness.

She may seem fine and comfortable, but she's carrying around pain and scars still. They may be so old and so familiar that she's simply learned to live with them. It's really up to the both of you at this point, whether or not she's in a place emotionally and spiritually where she wants to reopen those wounds and find healing. Some people are able and willing to carry certain things all their lives; that doesn't make it a good thing, it simply is what it is.

The fact that you've been married for almost 40 years, yet don't know what's going on in your own wife's head, and you say she still seems distant, sounds like all is not well. It sounds (to me) like she's simply found a way of surviving and coping without ever fully opening herself up to be vulnerable, intimate, and completely trusting with you.

I can't say whether your motives would be purely selfish or not. If you're only thinking of the benefits you would get, then it may be selfish. If you're genuinely concerned about your wife's heart and soul and mental health because you love her and care for her, then it's not purely selfish.

 

[Johnnz]

She endured about 4 years of sexual abuse in grade school. (teen age relative)

I do not know if it is happening currently. We have been married 37 years. IT was every time for probably the first 20 years or so. Now she seems to be coherent but somewhat distant. IYKWIM. She is still rarely interested. And we do not have the conversations that she immediatly forgets anymore either.

While we have had a lot of prayer and biblical couple counseling, there has been no specific counseling for the abuse beyond her forgiving her relative.

That will be insufficient for her. Some specialist and experienced counsel will be needed, including a person familiar with dealing with deep inner hurts and spiritual bondages from a Christian perspective. 'Simple' counselling will be too superficial. and 'deliverance' too as the only keys. Christian who combine both seem few and far between, unfortunately

I also wonder if at this point there may be a lot more work that any benefit we would get now.(both about age 60).

I have not pursued this much as it seemed to be something that would make a lot of work for her and I would be the primary one to really benefit from it. (she seems fine and comfortable with it) And that is my definition of sinful selfishness.

Age is a factor. But greater freedom in any area of life at any age is worthwhile. Jesus is still at work in our lives. And it's not only about your pleasure either. God designed her for pleasurable sex too.

Bless you both
John
NZ

 

[notalone32]

there are very few who do take us seriously. especially church people who label us with certain things. pretending in church is one of my pet hates....sigh.

Me too

 

[notalone32]

Hmmm. I have seen DW show the amnesia thing when talking about sex. Sometimes 5 minutes later she would swear we never even were talking. Early in our marriage during intimacy she would seemingly go into a trance and become totally unresponsive until after it was over. If I tried to get her attention she would sometimes fly into a rage. Afterward she could not remember it at all.

Does that sound like DID?

I have those same symptoms although mine aren't triggered by sex. I experienced all kinds of abuse but by far the worse for me was verbal and rmotional plus witnessing domestic violence. So I relate to the behaviour your DW describes. Except mine is diagnosed BPD and Complex PTSD not DID. But there is an overlap between all personality disorders on the Cluster B spectrum eg Did/Bpd/Narcissitic/Histrionic etc. Without a psychiatrist or even therapist a diagnosis is impossible.

Your wife has deep pain regardless of the label and I hope and pray for her that she finds the healing she needs. Bless you both

 

[notalone32]

How do you know it was the Holy Spirit who told the woman these things about you?

Because she also prophesied other things about me that are true. Therefore o know she not a false prophet.
Also my dad was a Christian minister who worked with the abused and he would say God was telling him I wasn't really hurting from it. Just trying to get attention. If a man of God would say that then His God can't be wrong.

Which is why although I'm a Christian I really hate that part of my dad`s God. There is evidence that the abuse occurred and that it damaged us profoundly but my dad says God told him I'm just feeling sorry for myself

 

[notalone32]

Sorry if I've hijacked this thread a bit. I do feel that personality disorders generally are caused by abuse and many symptoms overlap. I also feel very alone right now.

Thanks everyone for being here

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Because she also prophesied other things about me that are true. Therefore o know she not a false prophet.
Also my dad was a Christian minister who worked with the abused and he would say God was telling him I wasn't really hurting from it. Just trying to get attention. If a man of God would say that then His God can't be wrong.

Which is why although I'm a Christian I really hate that part of my dad`s God. There is evidence that the abuse occurred and that it damaged us profoundly but my dad says God told him I'm just feeling sorry for myself

Even Christian ministers can be wrong. They are human, and sometimes they hear their own voice instead of Gods. Or sometimes they chose to ignore the voice of God about certain things. Why, don't know... maybe because it's hard to do what God asks of them (or us for that matter)?

I've never met anyone, ever, who told someone who was abused or thought they were abused, that they weren't hurting from the abuse or even alleged abuse. Survivors need validation and compassion. They need a safe place to share and to learn to trust again. Any competent professional, including ministers who work with survivors know this and work hard to provide this.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't have.

 

[notalone32]

Even Christian ministers can be wrong. They are human, and sometimes they hear their own voice instead of Gods. Or sometimes they chose to ignore the voice of God about certain things. Why, don't know... maybe because it's hard to do what God asks of them (or us for that matter)?

I've never met anyone, ever, who told someone who was abused or thought they were abused, that they weren't hurting from the abuse or even alleged abuse. Survivors need validation and compassion. They need a safe place to share and to learn to trust again. Any competent professional, including ministers who work with survivors know this and work hard to provide this.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It shouldn't have.

Thank you. I want to forgive. I choose to forgive but still feeling bitterness against God
I hope they wrong because if God feels like those ministers did then I don't know how I can move forward as a believer anymore

 

[Johnnz]

Thank you. I want to forgive. I choose to forgive but still feeling bitterness against God
I hope they wrong because if God feels like those ministers did then I don't know how I can move forward as a believer anymore

He doesn't. Don't ever worry about how God see you. He is not called called Father for nothing. You are family, safe in His love for you which is so much more than your love for Him.

John
NZ

 

[undercoveremo]

thanks for the welcome. DID is very complicated for me. Even readibng through all these comments seems confusing! I will be honest I cannot forgive and im not sure if i ever will. I cant pretend to forgive. maybe that dooms me. I dont know. Madison

 

[LittleH]

thanks for the welcome. DID is very complicated for me. Even readibng through all these comments seems confusing! I will be honest I cannot forgive and im not sure if i ever will. I cant pretend to forgive. maybe that dooms me. I dont know. Madison

I understand how you feel Madison. Most days it feels like my head could explode because there's so much going on and it can get quite confusing. I'm learning about my parts and my past, and I often want to deny that it happened and that this is my reality. The switching, amnesia, flashbacks, nightmares, confusion, loss of sense of self and fear are all really hard to cope with and manage without having to worry about forgiveness as well. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'll let you into a secret about me.... I haven't forgiven those who abused me. Part of that is because I don't know everything that happened to me, which makes it hard to forgive, but much more of it is because I'm not ready. I really don't think either of us are doomed because we haven't forgiven those who have hurt us. I don't know, it might happen one day. I can't say what will happen in the future but one thing I do know is that Jesus loves us and that will never change regardless of whether either of us ever forgive or not.

Does any of this waffle help?
Hannah

 

[KayJoy]

For most, "forgiveness" is a difficult subject, and difficult to do. I do believe that once we are at a place of forgiveness, it brings a whole new level of healing, due to the fact we are able to release that burden...it frees up so many other areas. But God is gentle in how He brings us to it.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

thanks for the welcome. DID is very complicated for me. Even readibng through all these comments seems confusing! I will be honest I cannot forgive and im not sure if i ever will. I cant pretend to forgive. maybe that dooms me. I dont know. Madison

There is no set guide as to when this might happen. For some people this can take years. And that's okay. This is between you and God... not between you and anyone else. God know you and what you can and cannot do. He will sustain you through whatever He leads you to do. Even should you choose forgiveness at some point down the road.

Some people believe that forgiveness means all this stuff... you have to forgive, let the person back in your life, accept the, etc. That's not true when it comes to abuse. Forgiveness when abuse has been there and there is potential for further harm, is really a place between you and God, allowing God to work in your heart. It doesn't allow the abuser to do anything to you. Doesn't mean you let them back into your life. Doesn't mean you have to communicate with them. Doesn't mean you have to do anything that would put you at risk of being hurt again.

So.. just remember, this is between you and God. Not you and anyone else, okay? When it's time, he'll let you know, and he'll help you have the support you need to get through it.

Take care.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

For most, "forgiveness" is a difficult subject, and difficult to do. I do believe that once we are at a place of forgiveness, it brings a whole new level of healing, due to the fact we are able to release that burden...it frees up so many other areas. But God is gentle in how He brings us to it.

I agree. And it's him that brings it to us, not other humans.

 

[KayJoy]

I agree. And it's him that brings it to us, not other humans.

Exactly... when other people get involved, there is almost always condemnation. God does not condemn... convict, yes... but not condemn! He is completely loving in how He treats the broken!!

 

[LittleH]

I have been met with so much condemnation that, to be honest, it is now my expectation. I am genuinely surprised when anyone is kind to me. I try not to let the DID and other issues of abuse be obvious to other people but there is only so much I can hide. I was having a quiet conversation with a close friend about me being sexually abused as a child, and a couple of women overheard and have on several occasions told me that I have sinned for having sex before I was married. I have been told that I am committing the sin of unforgiveness because I refuse to have anything to do with my biological father. It would be dangerous for me to have contact with him and if I did, I would continue to be abused, if not worse. I have other examples of being condemned but if I wrote about all of them, it would be a ridiculously long post. The worst part of all this is that the people condemning me are the people who should be reaching out and helping me - my church. It has made me feel even more shame than I already felt.