And now, for the good part
: That whole experience in jail was a HUGE blessing because it helped me to realize that I?ve been taking for granted everything I have; my freedoms, my choices, my life. Spending the night in jail was a huge wake up call for me, and the final turning point in my life. It was just the push I needed to start me off on on the right path again and to finally purge myself of my old habits. From that point on, I stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped drinking altogether, I stopped partying, I dropped all my old friends, and just seeked the Lord. I began going to mass every day to receive the eucharist as much as I could. I was thirsty for God and God alone, and I grew more between those few years and now, than I have ever grown in my life. I slowly began to lose that nagging desire to be loved by another person. I slowly began to give up all my earthly desires for things, and those desires were soon replaced only desires for the glory of God. My Father was finally able to help me and build me up as His child, after all this time of indifference and complacency. He blessed me with graces far beyond that which I have ever expected. I grew so quickly that I even saw myself growing and being molded along the way. Its like God had to make up for all the dead time in my earlier years, so I just took off like a young plant thirsty for more water and more sun, reaching for the skies. I was finally free! And so God began to use me as He saw fit. He put the desire into my heart to build a ministry outreach program in Atlanta, and so I did. He gave me the vision, and I took off with it. He put the desire in my heart to come to this very board and seek fellowship and knowledge of the word, and so I did. I began reading my bible and any other spiritual books I could get my hands on. I began praying to God daily, all day, every day. My desires for Him began to grow stronger and stronger and my personality was being conformed to a God-centered life. I began witnessing to my old friends and girlfriend, sharing the gospel and my deepened love of God. My faith became an open book, for anyone to see and I didn?t care anymore. My desire for acceptance was no longer, and my self-consciousness, gone. I began focussing alot of energy at conquering my sexual desires, and God has blessed me immensely inthat. These things that previously hindered me from God, were replaced with an inner peace and love. And to this day, I continue with my shackles freed from my past, my life for God and for the future of eternity with Him. If you compared who I am now, to who I was 3 or 4 years ago, you would see two very different people; God literally made a new creation in this vessel; one that burns for Him now. And the burning grows stronger by each passing day. I realize I still have quite a ways to go, but I am closer now than I ever have been before. I am willing and able to give up everything I have in this life for God. I am even planning to! When the time is right, I will leave this world and all its earthly distractions and seek a life of poverty, seeking God in total devotion. I will most likely live in a monestary for quite some time and devote all the time I have to prayer, through a disciplined and solitary life, alone with God.
The desires in my heart are great, and I know if I am really serious about them, then I must take myself out of society completely to focus on God first and foremost, and let Him build me up into my potential. I must repent of all my sins and be totally and completely cleansed from them. In short, I must be a saint. At the moment God has graced me with such a blessing, through my obedience, I can then pour out His love to the world in its fullness. God must come first, then I will truly be able to love the people and have the discipline to stick to my dreams. This is the plan God is slowly revealing to me.
From there on, the limits are boundless. I can then build a church and help mold true disciples through it. Or I can roam the world, spreading the gospel if God so desired of me. Whatever it will be, my ties to the secular world would be freed and God?s spirit would be so strong in me that I would just be overflowing with love; so much so that I would actually be what Christ wants us to be; more than conquerors. I would have suffered as Christ suffered, and conquered this world as Christ has conquered it. This is my vision, and I won't stop until I become all that God wants me to be. I only pray that I will fill my potential and never again settle for complacency and indifference. I only pray that I can use the free will God gave us, and through His graces, prevail over sin and conquer it. It is true that I could be happy settling down with a wife and raising a family, but if I could better serve the kingdom of God by roaming the earth in solitary, then I embrace that with all my heart. In fact, I want it. I want to experience it for atleast a good part of my life. I want to suffer as Christ suffered; to take the punishment for other people?s sins, but all the while walking in righteousness. I want to truly follow in Christ?s footsteps and go through the pain and persecution He went through for us. I know I am idealistic and I know this probably sounds extreme for some people, but I hope I never change. Older people have told me that there will come a day when we get realistic about things and settle, but I reject that way of life! I cannot settle for anything less than a life completely dedicated to following God in everything; a life where my efforts are in tune with God's desire to perfect me and fullfill His purpose; and I will strive for that till the day I die.
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. There is so much more, but I chose to only include some of the highlights of my life to help paint the picture for you. May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.