Ug, ok. I never gave my full testimony before, but I suppose i can do it now. I want to warn everyone now, that it gets a little crazy. I hope no one thinks of me any differently than they did before, but oh well. Here goes....
So lets start with the good stuff of my childhood first.
By the grace of God, I was raised in a good loving family. My mother is really the one person responsible for helping to instill in me, a deep faith in God at a young age. She prayed with me every single night and taught me the meaning of unconditional love, so I definately have God to thank for being blessed with such a childhood (she also saved my life because I was born with a looped vain in the back of my head and the doctors told my mom that they HAD to opperate on the vain or I would surely die due to the blood being cut off. My mother didn't listen to them, and followed her instinct. I have been living a healthy life to this day. So that was miracle #1).
I always had a love for God, even as far back as I can remember, and I've always acknowledged that I was for some reason, blessed. He gave me such a positive outlook on life, forgiving spirit, kind, calm, introverted, and a happy heart. I made friends quickly, but I wasn't mature in my teenage years so I didn't pick my friends. They picked me, and the ones that picked me were the trouble makers, and I was even attracted to that rebellious life.
So despite my great childhood, I was not one of those "goody tooshoes" straight edge christians. For some reason, I was a trouble maker growing up. I had to make the mistakes firsthand to truly learn. I was one of those kids who goofed off in class, spent alot of time in detention hall, and did normal rebellious teenage things, just because. I was a punk (meaning, a rebel) and all my friends were punks, and so we only fed our punk'ishment together. I dressed in baggy pants, skater shoes, ear rings, toungue ring, etc. You average rebel without a cause stuff. But I always kept my love for God in my heart, regardless of my exterior. Yet I was not mature enough in spirit to be open with my faith to others. I held it inside me, as my little secret.
Then near the end of sophomore year, things escelated. I began smoking ciggarettes to "be cool", then marajuana, and on the other drugs. Soon, I was into the "party scene", and was even the one to plan alot of the parties and rally everyone together to buy a keg and so forth. All my friends and I did, was drink, smoke, and party. We smoked weed every day, all day, in between classes, on lunch, after school. It was out of control. I smoked so much, that my appetite for food became non-existant. I didn't eat. I was 6' 1" and weighed 140 lbs (very skinny!). I was like a zombie, just dragging myself around all the time, always tired and lacked an energy. I knew something was wrong. I knew this wasn't right, and I felt the holy spirit trying to help me out of it, but I was too complacent to do anything. God knocked and knocked, but I continued to ignore Him and do my thing. I wanted God to help my situation, but I didn?t take it upon myself to make the changes. I expected God to do it all. I wanted the easy way out, but let me tell you; if you ignore God's knocking, those knocks will turn into loud bangs, and the door will eventually be knocked down!
So by the grace of God, I got arrested one night (yes, that was a blessing. I quickly learned that if you ignore God?s calling, a great tradgedy is almost inevitable in your life. The sooner you act to follow God and change from your ways, the sooner you will avoid having to experience such tradgedies. but either way, God's will be done, which, is always going to lead you on the most wonderfull path for you, even if you don't listen sometimes). So I was taken to jail and was charged with posession of marajuana and paraphinaelia just 3 months after I turned 18, so I was tried like an adult. That was the first time in my life that God had to resort to smacking me in the face to wake me up and get me back on track, and it worked. I stopped smoking weed for my probation (since there was random chemical drug tests), and noticed a change almost instantly. After a couple months of quitting weed, my mind cleared up. It was like all the cloudiness was blown away; my appetite was back and everything. It was encouraging, yet peer pressure got to me again. All my friends still smoked and soon enough, I started smoking weed again too, and I went back to my old ways; the partying, drinking, drugs and so forth.
I somehow managed to graduate from highschool with almost an A average and I didn't even go to classes much or studied or anything (more help from God probably), and then I somehow managed to get accepted in Georgia Tech, which is practically as ivy league as MIT is, but I had a sub-ivy league SAT score (something like 1320 if I remember correctly). Georgia Tech was THE top school of the 13 I applied to, as it ranked 4th in the nation for mechanical engineering. The next closest was Virginia tech which was ranked 27th for mechanical engineering. So even despite this overwhleming favoritism for Georgia Tech, I still didn't want to go there. I wanted to go to University of Delaware, where the female population ratio was 4 girls to every 1 guy. Georgia Tech has the opposite ratio; 4 guys to every girl. I was not happy with this, but what do you expect from an 18 year old rebelious punk without a cause? I knew I was being unreasonable, so I just entrusted my parents and let them decide for me (guess what they chose!).
So I came to Tech with the same "party" mentality, and that is all I did for the first 2 years. I tried other drugs and got into the whole rave scene, and my life was taken to whole new levels of being out of control. I would do the dumbest things ever, like drag race my friends through dowtown atlanta; flying down the bumpy streets at 70mph with enough alchohol in my system to put a cow into a coma. We went to stone moutain on the 4th of july, tripping on acid and mescaline and watched the fireworks and the lazer show, just for kicks. We took exctacy alot (if you don't know much about exctacy, the main chemical ingredient in it is MDMA, which causes your serotonin levels to rise. This in turn causes you to feel very happy and loved, but prolonged use of exctacy causes your body to stop producing serotonin on its own, so you actually feel the opposite after the drug has left your system; your serotonin levels crash and you become depressed and feel like your life is nothing...another side effect of exctacy is that it is usually cut with other drugs, like heroin, coke, special K, mescaline, etc. So really, you never know what you are getting when you buy exctacy. It's a role of the dice. So we took pills which contained all sorts of drugs, and I got to experience what most drugs do to you, and it wasn't pleasent. For me, all the drugs I tried produced the same end results. They all were clearly "dirty"; a cheap way to feel good, but it wasn?t really feeling good. Like acid for instance, you actually feel dirty when your on it; it's so evident that this is not right and unatural, yet for the shear boredom, I continued. The only drug that even came close to anything spiritual, was mushrooms. With mushrooms, your consciousness is almost put to sleep and your spirit and true inner self becomes naked, open, and vunerable. I would experience great spiritual revelations (i now understand why native americans use it to cleanse themselves), but it was playing with fire. What I thought was a deep and purifying spiritual journey into my soul, was more like a distraction because not once did I find Jesus anywhere in that state; I was deceived. In any case, I don't have an addictive personality, and so I never became phsycially or mentally addicted to anything, but what kept me there with my friends was indifference, and a trap in my social environment. I continued to ignore the signs.
Anyway, through this point in my life, I just felt "blah" inside. Part of me wanted a better life, and I new that where I was going was no where. I expressed this to my friends and girlfriend at the time, telling them that all we do is drink and party, the same things every other day. I told them I wanted something more, I wanted to do something with the time I have instead of just throwing it away with mindless activities. I was hungry for a change. They seemed to understand me, yet nothing changed. I didn't have the strength at that time to leave my friends, and I certainly couldn?t leave my girlfriend. We moved in together when I was 18 and lived together for a good 2+ years. Like my friends, she was not Christian either and had no drive to live her life for God. So during these years of my early college life, I was literally locked in, in this dead state of complacency. I was in limbo, awaiting something more but never taking it upon myself to make the changes. I had begun to see the pattern in my life; this pulling from God and constant distraction from the truth. Every time I channelled some energy to seeking God, the more my environment became hostile to a spiritual life. It was like something was out to put an end to me once an for all, but of course I didn't discern this at the time, so I gave in again and didn't make a change.
It was at this point that the changes then made me. My indifference once again forced a tradgedy upon my life. One day, my girlfriend for almost 3 years (who I was living with for 2 years), breaks up with me. Two weeks later, I found out she cheated on me and was seeing a guy behind my back. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I truly thought at the time that we were getting married, and then she suddenly breaks up with me, and THEN to find out she already gave her heart to someone else. I felt like our love was all for nothing; total and utter betrayal. It crushed me beyond a point I have ever experienced before. I was in the deepest valley of valleys and all I could do was turn to God for help because my life as I knew it was over. The one person I loved so much betrays that love and leaves me. But God was right there with me. It was during those times of complete despair, that I felt most encouraged and at peace. It was those times of isolation and death, that I felt comforted and alive. God lifted me up and carried me through it all, and I watched it all in amazement. I slowly began to see that she wasn't the one for me; she had no love for God and that is not someone God wanted me to be with. My eyes began to open, and I made a vow to begin to dedicate my life to Him, because it was only after I was broken that I saw how desparately I need Him and how desparately He wants me to be with Him. So I stopped messing around with drugs and I left alot of my friends, and decided to leave my old ways. but there were still a couple friends who lingered. I figured I was strong enough to help them and not let them negatively effect me, but I wasn?t. I started making changes, but part of my past was still lingering. I still went to partys and drank. I prayed and prayed for God to help me, but I was still stuck in this comfort zone with just hanging out and partying and so forth. I rationalized it away, thinking it wasn?t doing much harm. All college kids drink and party anyway, so I am no different. But I was dead wrong. Once again, I was ignoring God. I felt the holy spirit protecting me and knocking on my heart to give up partying and drinking altogether, but I did not listen. I went to bars not only to hang out with my friends and do the regular old college thing, but to find a woman I could be happy with. I was not mature enough at the time to realize that the women in bars are not the type of women I want to be with. People go to clubs and bars to look for someone, but none of them are truly ready to be with someone. They are all stuck in this world of ?wanting?; that overwhelming human desire to find true love, and I was one of them. I kept on telling myself that all I need is God, that no one could sustain me and fulfill me like God can, but deep down I still deeply yearned to be loved by another woman again. I was still so crushed by the betrayal, and my heart, still broken.
Then at a bar one night, I met a christian woman, and I thought this was the change I needed. We shared our faith and that really brought us closer together quickly. I thought this was right; so much so that I ignored the warning signs. For starters, she used to be a stripper, she used coke for many years, was an alchoholic, was manic depressive/bipolar with possible MPD but probably posessed/opressed, watched her father died at age 12, and was raped multiple times. Her past amazed me; that she could have been through so much and yet her faith in God has only deepened, and that only drew me in closer. But I ignored my head. Every rational thought said that getting into a realtionship with her is a bad idea, but I was immature and gave into the passion of my feelings and my desire to be loved, and she was just as lonely as I was. So our relationship grew very intense, very quickly, and again, I was distracted from God. What started as God centered, quickly vanished and I began to see the error of my choice. One night, we joked around saying that we could pretend we are married and get twisty ties as wedding bands, or go to a candy shop and get those plastic rings from the red machines you put a quarter into. she suggested we make a day of it, go to the mall, and check out wedding bands. And so I went along. We found two cheap silver rings, and decided that would be our bands. Now, to my lack of knowledge, she took this seriously. She really thought that we were getting married, but in my mind I thought we were just kind of playing out this role, in the joke that started it. After exchanging vows together, she then threw a party at her house that night. At the party she noticed that I wasn't going around professing our new found marriage. When I asked why, I told her that I thought it was an ongoing thing that we weren't taking too seriously.
Now this is where it gets bad; this triggered an explosion of emotional downfall in her, and brought her other personality out. She blew up. She was yelling, screaming, crying. All I could do was try to calm her down, but she only grew deeper and deeper into the downward spiral in her mind. She took a bottle, broke it, and slit her writsts open. I tried to stop her but I couldn't get too close or she would swing the broken bottle at my face. This went on for hours; the yelling and cursing. She even cursed out God; this was not her anymore; it was the other personality in her that took over; it didn't even seem human, like she was being tourmented by a demon. She then took a steak knife and cut her arms so deep that she hit a major vain which took many bandages to stop the bleeding. At this point, I lost all hope. I couldn't do anything to help her. It only seemed like my presence made it worse, and I couldn't leave because she threatened to kill herself if I did. And I couldn't come near her or she would threaten to hurt herself again, so my friends had to help her and try to console and tend to her wounds. Hours past, and after my friends talked to her, she apologized to me for overreacting. The mountain that suddenly errupted into a massive explosion, cooled off and settled down down just as quickly as it came on. that was one of the most strangest, stressfull, and tiring nights I have ever had in my life.
So at this point, I knew this wasn't going to work out, My friends even told me to run and run fast, but I still didn't listen. I was smack dab in the middle of this, and I grew so attached to her that I convinced myself that I could help her if I just stayed with her. Our relationship continued, and she continued to drink and use drugs and do things that I can't even repeat here, all while I was trying to get away from that lifestyle. Her multiple personality disorder was triggered when she drank, and she became a completely different person at that moment and would never remember anything she did the next day. One night, she took her cloths off and went down to the public pool with a knife and threatened to kill anyone who came close to her. Another night she overdosed on xanax and passed out with foam coming out of her mouth after getting beaten up and dragged in the street on her face by a big lesbian woman who aparently thought she was hitting on her girlfriend. Other times, there would be stalkers driving by her house..and this happened frequently. At this point I realized I was in over my head (which is actually an extreme understatement in hindsight). I stayed with her, because I thought she truly loved me and I thought I could love her too. I convinced myself that I could help change her and stabilize her again, but I slowly began to realize that this was not right. The holy spirit moved strong in me to stop the physical aspect of our relationship, and I tried. But this only triggered her again into another breakdown, saying that she needed the intimacy with me because she loved me and it would hurt too much to stop our physical relations. I was stuck again; too clouded in my judgement to think rationally and just get out of the relationship. So it continued and the desperation I felt only grew stronger but my complacency remained the same. I knew I had to do something soon, but I couldn?t and didn?t know how.
It was then that I got arrested, again--this time for a DUI, open container, and laying drag. And the consequences were much worse. I went to jail with no way to contact anyone to get out on bond, so they just locked me up. Now, when you have to spend the night in a city jail, it is not a fun thing. They strip all your cloths off, hose you down with water and anti-flea stuff, then you dress up in a jump suit and haul you off to your cell block for however long your stay requires, or however long it takes you to get someone to bail you out. It was the most humbling experience I have had; to be completely robbed of all your freedoms and to live only in limbo, waiting to return to the outside world. 24 hours felt like an eternity. But I eventually got out, and was so happy just to have my freedom back.
And now, for the good part : That whole experience in jail was a HUGE blessing because it helped me to realize that I?ve been taking for granted everything I have; my freedoms, my choices, my life. Spending the night in jail was a huge wake up call for me, and the final turning point in my life. It was just the push I needed to start me off on on the right path again and to finally purge myself of my old habits. From that point on, I stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped drinking altogether, I stopped partying, I dropped all my old friends, and just seeked the Lord. I began going to mass every day to receive the eucharist as much as I could. I was thirsty for God and God alone, and I grew more between those few years and now, than I have ever grown in my life. I slowly began to lose that nagging desire to be loved by another person. I slowly began to give up all my earthly desires for things, and those desires were soon replaced only desires for the glory of God. My Father was finally able to help me and build me up as His child, after all this time of indifference and complacency. He blessed me with graces far beyond that which I have ever expected. I grew so quickly that I even saw myself growing and being molded along the way. Its like God had to make up for all the dead time in my earlier years, so I just took off like a young plant thirsty for more water and more sun, reaching for the skies. I was finally free! And so God began to use me as He saw fit. He put the desire into my heart to build a ministry outreach program in Atlanta, and so I did. He gave me the vision, and I took off with it. He put the desire in my heart to come to this very board and seek fellowship and knowledge of the word, and so I did. I began reading my bible and any other spiritual books I could get my hands on. I began praying to God daily, all day, every day. My desires for Him began to grow stronger and stronger and my personality was being conformed to a God-centered life. I began witnessing to my old friends and girlfriend, sharing the gospel and my deepened love of God. My faith became an open book, for anyone to see and I didn?t care anymore. My desire for acceptance was no longer, and my self-consciousness, gone. I began focussing alot of energy at conquering my sexual desires, and God has blessed me immensely inthat. These things that previously hindered me from God, were replaced with an inner peace and love. And to this day, I continue with my shackles freed from my past, my life for God and for the future of eternity with Him. If you compared who I am now, to who I was 3 or 4 years ago, you would see two very different people; God literally made a new creation in this vessel; one that burns for Him now. And the burning grows stronger by each passing day. I realize I still have quite a ways to go, but I am closer now than I ever have been before. I am willing and able to give up everything I have in this life for God. I am even planning to! When the time is right, I will leave this world and all its earthly distractions and seek a life of poverty, seeking God in total devotion. I will most likely live in a monestary for quite some time and devote all the time I have to prayer, through a disciplined and solitary life, alone with God.
The desires in my heart are great, and I know if I am really serious about them, then I must take myself out of society completely to focus on God first and foremost, and let Him build me up into my potential. I must repent of all my sins and be totally and completely cleansed from them. In short, I must be a saint. At the moment God has graced me with such a blessing, through my obedience, I can then pour out His love to the world in its fullness. God must come first, then I will truly be able to love the people and have the discipline to stick to my dreams. This is the plan God is slowly revealing to me.
From there on, the limits are boundless. I can then build a church and help mold true disciples through it. Or I can roam the world, spreading the gospel if God so desired of me. Whatever it will be, my ties to the secular world would be freed and God?s spirit would be so strong in me that I would just be overflowing with love; so much so that I would actually be what Christ wants us to be; more than conquerors. I would have suffered as Christ suffered, and conquered this world as Christ has conquered it. This is my vision, and I won't stop until I become all that God wants me to be. I only pray that I will fill my potential and never again settle for complacency and indifference. I only pray that I can use the free will God gave us, and through His graces, prevail over sin and conquer it. It is true that I could be happy settling down with a wife and raising a family, but if I could better serve the kingdom of God by roaming the earth in solitary, then I embrace that with all my heart. In fact, I want it. I want to experience it for atleast a good part of my life. I want to suffer as Christ suffered; to take the punishment for other people?s sins, but all the while walking in righteousness. I want to truly follow in Christ?s footsteps and go through the pain and persecution He went through for us. I know I am idealistic and I know this probably sounds extreme for some people, but I hope I never change. Older people have told me that there will come a day when we get realistic about things and settle, but I reject that way of life! I cannot settle for anything less than a life completely dedicated to following God in everything; a life where my efforts are in tune with God's desire to perfect me and fullfill His purpose; and I will strive for that till the day I die.
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. There is so much more, but I chose to only include some of the highlights of my life to help paint the picture for you. May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.
So lets start with the good stuff of my childhood first.
By the grace of God, I was raised in a good loving family. My mother is really the one person responsible for helping to instill in me, a deep faith in God at a young age. She prayed with me every single night and taught me the meaning of unconditional love, so I definately have God to thank for being blessed with such a childhood (she also saved my life because I was born with a looped vain in the back of my head and the doctors told my mom that they HAD to opperate on the vain or I would surely die due to the blood being cut off. My mother didn't listen to them, and followed her instinct. I have been living a healthy life to this day. So that was miracle #1). I always had a love for God, even as far back as I can remember, and I've always acknowledged that I was for some reason, blessed. He gave me such a positive outlook on life, forgiving spirit, kind, calm, introverted, and a happy heart. I made friends quickly, but I wasn't mature in my teenage years so I didn't pick my friends. They picked me, and the ones that picked me were the trouble makers, and I was even attracted to that rebellious life.
So despite my great childhood, I was not one of those "goody tooshoes" straight edge christians. For some reason, I was a trouble maker growing up. I had to make the mistakes firsthand to truly learn. I was one of those kids who goofed off in class, spent alot of time in detention hall, and did normal rebellious teenage things, just because. I was a punk (meaning, a rebel) and all my friends were punks, and so we only fed our punk'ishment together. I dressed in baggy pants, skater shoes, ear rings, toungue ring, etc. You average rebel without a cause stuff. But I always kept my love for God in my heart, regardless of my exterior. Yet I was not mature enough in spirit to be open with my faith to others. I held it inside me, as my little secret.
Then near the end of sophomore year, things escelated. I began smoking ciggarettes to "be cool", then marajuana, and on the other drugs. Soon, I was into the "party scene", and was even the one to plan alot of the parties and rally everyone together to buy a keg and so forth. All my friends and I did, was drink, smoke, and party. We smoked weed every day, all day, in between classes, on lunch, after school. It was out of control. I smoked so much, that my appetite for food became non-existant. I didn't eat. I was 6' 1" and weighed 140 lbs (very skinny!). I was like a zombie, just dragging myself around all the time, always tired and lacked an energy. I knew something was wrong. I knew this wasn't right, and I felt the holy spirit trying to help me out of it, but I was too complacent to do anything. God knocked and knocked, but I continued to ignore Him and do my thing. I wanted God to help my situation, but I didn?t take it upon myself to make the changes. I expected God to do it all. I wanted the easy way out, but let me tell you; if you ignore God's knocking, those knocks will turn into loud bangs, and the door will eventually be knocked down!
So by the grace of God, I got arrested one night (yes, that was a blessing. I quickly learned that if you ignore God?s calling, a great tradgedy is almost inevitable in your life. The sooner you act to follow God and change from your ways, the sooner you will avoid having to experience such tradgedies. but either way, God's will be done, which, is always going to lead you on the most wonderfull path for you, even if you don't listen sometimes). So I was taken to jail and was charged with posession of marajuana and paraphinaelia just 3 months after I turned 18, so I was tried like an adult. That was the first time in my life that God had to resort to smacking me in the face to wake me up and get me back on track, and it worked. I stopped smoking weed for my probation (since there was random chemical drug tests), and noticed a change almost instantly. After a couple months of quitting weed, my mind cleared up. It was like all the cloudiness was blown away; my appetite was back and everything. It was encouraging, yet peer pressure got to me again. All my friends still smoked and soon enough, I started smoking weed again too, and I went back to my old ways; the partying, drinking, drugs and so forth.
I somehow managed to graduate from highschool with almost an A average and I didn't even go to classes much or studied or anything (more help from God probably), and then I somehow managed to get accepted in Georgia Tech, which is practically as ivy league as MIT is, but I had a sub-ivy league SAT score (something like 1320 if I remember correctly). Georgia Tech was THE top school of the 13 I applied to, as it ranked 4th in the nation for mechanical engineering. The next closest was Virginia tech which was ranked 27th for mechanical engineering. So even despite this overwhleming favoritism for Georgia Tech, I still didn't want to go there. I wanted to go to University of Delaware, where the female population ratio was 4 girls to every 1 guy. Georgia Tech has the opposite ratio; 4 guys to every girl. I was not happy with this, but what do you expect from an 18 year old rebelious punk without a cause? I knew I was being unreasonable, so I just entrusted my parents and let them decide for me (guess what they chose!).
So I came to Tech with the same "party" mentality, and that is all I did for the first 2 years. I tried other drugs and got into the whole rave scene, and my life was taken to whole new levels of being out of control. I would do the dumbest things ever, like drag race my friends through dowtown atlanta; flying down the bumpy streets at 70mph with enough alchohol in my system to put a cow into a coma. We went to stone moutain on the 4th of july, tripping on acid and mescaline and watched the fireworks and the lazer show, just for kicks. We took exctacy alot (if you don't know much about exctacy, the main chemical ingredient in it is MDMA, which causes your serotonin levels to rise. This in turn causes you to feel very happy and loved, but prolonged use of exctacy causes your body to stop producing serotonin on its own, so you actually feel the opposite after the drug has left your system; your serotonin levels crash and you become depressed and feel like your life is nothing...another side effect of exctacy is that it is usually cut with other drugs, like heroin, coke, special K, mescaline, etc. So really, you never know what you are getting when you buy exctacy. It's a role of the dice. So we took pills which contained all sorts of drugs, and I got to experience what most drugs do to you, and it wasn't pleasent. For me, all the drugs I tried produced the same end results. They all were clearly "dirty"; a cheap way to feel good, but it wasn?t really feeling good. Like acid for instance, you actually feel dirty when your on it; it's so evident that this is not right and unatural, yet for the shear boredom, I continued. The only drug that even came close to anything spiritual, was mushrooms. With mushrooms, your consciousness is almost put to sleep and your spirit and true inner self becomes naked, open, and vunerable. I would experience great spiritual revelations (i now understand why native americans use it to cleanse themselves), but it was playing with fire. What I thought was a deep and purifying spiritual journey into my soul, was more like a distraction because not once did I find Jesus anywhere in that state; I was deceived. In any case, I don't have an addictive personality, and so I never became phsycially or mentally addicted to anything, but what kept me there with my friends was indifference, and a trap in my social environment. I continued to ignore the signs.
Anyway, through this point in my life, I just felt "blah" inside. Part of me wanted a better life, and I new that where I was going was no where. I expressed this to my friends and girlfriend at the time, telling them that all we do is drink and party, the same things every other day. I told them I wanted something more, I wanted to do something with the time I have instead of just throwing it away with mindless activities. I was hungry for a change. They seemed to understand me, yet nothing changed. I didn't have the strength at that time to leave my friends, and I certainly couldn?t leave my girlfriend. We moved in together when I was 18 and lived together for a good 2+ years. Like my friends, she was not Christian either and had no drive to live her life for God. So during these years of my early college life, I was literally locked in, in this dead state of complacency. I was in limbo, awaiting something more but never taking it upon myself to make the changes. I had begun to see the pattern in my life; this pulling from God and constant distraction from the truth. Every time I channelled some energy to seeking God, the more my environment became hostile to a spiritual life. It was like something was out to put an end to me once an for all, but of course I didn't discern this at the time, so I gave in again and didn't make a change.
It was at this point that the changes then made me. My indifference once again forced a tradgedy upon my life. One day, my girlfriend for almost 3 years (who I was living with for 2 years), breaks up with me. Two weeks later, I found out she cheated on me and was seeing a guy behind my back. This was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I truly thought at the time that we were getting married, and then she suddenly breaks up with me, and THEN to find out she already gave her heart to someone else. I felt like our love was all for nothing; total and utter betrayal. It crushed me beyond a point I have ever experienced before. I was in the deepest valley of valleys and all I could do was turn to God for help because my life as I knew it was over. The one person I loved so much betrays that love and leaves me. But God was right there with me. It was during those times of complete despair, that I felt most encouraged and at peace. It was those times of isolation and death, that I felt comforted and alive. God lifted me up and carried me through it all, and I watched it all in amazement. I slowly began to see that she wasn't the one for me; she had no love for God and that is not someone God wanted me to be with. My eyes began to open, and I made a vow to begin to dedicate my life to Him, because it was only after I was broken that I saw how desparately I need Him and how desparately He wants me to be with Him. So I stopped messing around with drugs and I left alot of my friends, and decided to leave my old ways. but there were still a couple friends who lingered. I figured I was strong enough to help them and not let them negatively effect me, but I wasn?t. I started making changes, but part of my past was still lingering. I still went to partys and drank. I prayed and prayed for God to help me, but I was still stuck in this comfort zone with just hanging out and partying and so forth. I rationalized it away, thinking it wasn?t doing much harm. All college kids drink and party anyway, so I am no different. But I was dead wrong. Once again, I was ignoring God. I felt the holy spirit protecting me and knocking on my heart to give up partying and drinking altogether, but I did not listen. I went to bars not only to hang out with my friends and do the regular old college thing, but to find a woman I could be happy with. I was not mature enough at the time to realize that the women in bars are not the type of women I want to be with. People go to clubs and bars to look for someone, but none of them are truly ready to be with someone. They are all stuck in this world of ?wanting?; that overwhelming human desire to find true love, and I was one of them. I kept on telling myself that all I need is God, that no one could sustain me and fulfill me like God can, but deep down I still deeply yearned to be loved by another woman again. I was still so crushed by the betrayal, and my heart, still broken.
Then at a bar one night, I met a christian woman, and I thought this was the change I needed. We shared our faith and that really brought us closer together quickly. I thought this was right; so much so that I ignored the warning signs. For starters, she used to be a stripper, she used coke for many years, was an alchoholic, was manic depressive/bipolar with possible MPD but probably posessed/opressed, watched her father died at age 12, and was raped multiple times. Her past amazed me; that she could have been through so much and yet her faith in God has only deepened, and that only drew me in closer. But I ignored my head. Every rational thought said that getting into a realtionship with her is a bad idea, but I was immature and gave into the passion of my feelings and my desire to be loved, and she was just as lonely as I was. So our relationship grew very intense, very quickly, and again, I was distracted from God. What started as God centered, quickly vanished and I began to see the error of my choice. One night, we joked around saying that we could pretend we are married and get twisty ties as wedding bands, or go to a candy shop and get those plastic rings from the red machines you put a quarter into. she suggested we make a day of it, go to the mall, and check out wedding bands. And so I went along. We found two cheap silver rings, and decided that would be our bands. Now, to my lack of knowledge, she took this seriously. She really thought that we were getting married, but in my mind I thought we were just kind of playing out this role, in the joke that started it. After exchanging vows together, she then threw a party at her house that night. At the party she noticed that I wasn't going around professing our new found marriage. When I asked why, I told her that I thought it was an ongoing thing that we weren't taking too seriously.
Now this is where it gets bad; this triggered an explosion of emotional downfall in her, and brought her other personality out. She blew up. She was yelling, screaming, crying. All I could do was try to calm her down, but she only grew deeper and deeper into the downward spiral in her mind. She took a bottle, broke it, and slit her writsts open. I tried to stop her but I couldn't get too close or she would swing the broken bottle at my face. This went on for hours; the yelling and cursing. She even cursed out God; this was not her anymore; it was the other personality in her that took over; it didn't even seem human, like she was being tourmented by a demon. She then took a steak knife and cut her arms so deep that she hit a major vain which took many bandages to stop the bleeding. At this point, I lost all hope. I couldn't do anything to help her. It only seemed like my presence made it worse, and I couldn't leave because she threatened to kill herself if I did. And I couldn't come near her or she would threaten to hurt herself again, so my friends had to help her and try to console and tend to her wounds. Hours past, and after my friends talked to her, she apologized to me for overreacting. The mountain that suddenly errupted into a massive explosion, cooled off and settled down down just as quickly as it came on. that was one of the most strangest, stressfull, and tiring nights I have ever had in my life.
So at this point, I knew this wasn't going to work out, My friends even told me to run and run fast, but I still didn't listen. I was smack dab in the middle of this, and I grew so attached to her that I convinced myself that I could help her if I just stayed with her. Our relationship continued, and she continued to drink and use drugs and do things that I can't even repeat here, all while I was trying to get away from that lifestyle. Her multiple personality disorder was triggered when she drank, and she became a completely different person at that moment and would never remember anything she did the next day. One night, she took her cloths off and went down to the public pool with a knife and threatened to kill anyone who came close to her. Another night she overdosed on xanax and passed out with foam coming out of her mouth after getting beaten up and dragged in the street on her face by a big lesbian woman who aparently thought she was hitting on her girlfriend. Other times, there would be stalkers driving by her house..and this happened frequently. At this point I realized I was in over my head (which is actually an extreme understatement in hindsight). I stayed with her, because I thought she truly loved me and I thought I could love her too. I convinced myself that I could help change her and stabilize her again, but I slowly began to realize that this was not right. The holy spirit moved strong in me to stop the physical aspect of our relationship, and I tried. But this only triggered her again into another breakdown, saying that she needed the intimacy with me because she loved me and it would hurt too much to stop our physical relations. I was stuck again; too clouded in my judgement to think rationally and just get out of the relationship. So it continued and the desperation I felt only grew stronger but my complacency remained the same. I knew I had to do something soon, but I couldn?t and didn?t know how.
It was then that I got arrested, again--this time for a DUI, open container, and laying drag. And the consequences were much worse. I went to jail with no way to contact anyone to get out on bond, so they just locked me up. Now, when you have to spend the night in a city jail, it is not a fun thing. They strip all your cloths off, hose you down with water and anti-flea stuff, then you dress up in a jump suit and haul you off to your cell block for however long your stay requires, or however long it takes you to get someone to bail you out. It was the most humbling experience I have had; to be completely robbed of all your freedoms and to live only in limbo, waiting to return to the outside world. 24 hours felt like an eternity. But I eventually got out, and was so happy just to have my freedom back.
And now, for the good part
: That whole experience in jail was a HUGE blessing because it helped me to realize that I?ve been taking for granted everything I have; my freedoms, my choices, my life. Spending the night in jail was a huge wake up call for me, and the final turning point in my life. It was just the push I needed to start me off on on the right path again and to finally purge myself of my old habits. From that point on, I stopped EVERYTHING. I stopped drinking altogether, I stopped partying, I dropped all my old friends, and just seeked the Lord. I began going to mass every day to receive the eucharist as much as I could. I was thirsty for God and God alone, and I grew more between those few years and now, than I have ever grown in my life. I slowly began to lose that nagging desire to be loved by another person. I slowly began to give up all my earthly desires for things, and those desires were soon replaced only desires for the glory of God. My Father was finally able to help me and build me up as His child, after all this time of indifference and complacency. He blessed me with graces far beyond that which I have ever expected. I grew so quickly that I even saw myself growing and being molded along the way. Its like God had to make up for all the dead time in my earlier years, so I just took off like a young plant thirsty for more water and more sun, reaching for the skies. I was finally free! And so God began to use me as He saw fit. He put the desire into my heart to build a ministry outreach program in Atlanta, and so I did. He gave me the vision, and I took off with it. He put the desire in my heart to come to this very board and seek fellowship and knowledge of the word, and so I did. I began reading my bible and any other spiritual books I could get my hands on. I began praying to God daily, all day, every day. My desires for Him began to grow stronger and stronger and my personality was being conformed to a God-centered life. I began witnessing to my old friends and girlfriend, sharing the gospel and my deepened love of God. My faith became an open book, for anyone to see and I didn?t care anymore. My desire for acceptance was no longer, and my self-consciousness, gone. I began focussing alot of energy at conquering my sexual desires, and God has blessed me immensely inthat. These things that previously hindered me from God, were replaced with an inner peace and love. And to this day, I continue with my shackles freed from my past, my life for God and for the future of eternity with Him. If you compared who I am now, to who I was 3 or 4 years ago, you would see two very different people; God literally made a new creation in this vessel; one that burns for Him now. And the burning grows stronger by each passing day. I realize I still have quite a ways to go, but I am closer now than I ever have been before. I am willing and able to give up everything I have in this life for God. I am even planning to! When the time is right, I will leave this world and all its earthly distractions and seek a life of poverty, seeking God in total devotion. I will most likely live in a monestary for quite some time and devote all the time I have to prayer, through a disciplined and solitary life, alone with God. The desires in my heart are great, and I know if I am really serious about them, then I must take myself out of society completely to focus on God first and foremost, and let Him build me up into my potential. I must repent of all my sins and be totally and completely cleansed from them. In short, I must be a saint. At the moment God has graced me with such a blessing, through my obedience, I can then pour out His love to the world in its fullness. God must come first, then I will truly be able to love the people and have the discipline to stick to my dreams. This is the plan God is slowly revealing to me.
From there on, the limits are boundless. I can then build a church and help mold true disciples through it. Or I can roam the world, spreading the gospel if God so desired of me. Whatever it will be, my ties to the secular world would be freed and God?s spirit would be so strong in me that I would just be overflowing with love; so much so that I would actually be what Christ wants us to be; more than conquerors. I would have suffered as Christ suffered, and conquered this world as Christ has conquered it. This is my vision, and I won't stop until I become all that God wants me to be. I only pray that I will fill my potential and never again settle for complacency and indifference. I only pray that I can use the free will God gave us, and through His graces, prevail over sin and conquer it. It is true that I could be happy settling down with a wife and raising a family, but if I could better serve the kingdom of God by roaming the earth in solitary, then I embrace that with all my heart. In fact, I want it. I want to experience it for atleast a good part of my life. I want to suffer as Christ suffered; to take the punishment for other people?s sins, but all the while walking in righteousness. I want to truly follow in Christ?s footsteps and go through the pain and persecution He went through for us. I know I am idealistic and I know this probably sounds extreme for some people, but I hope I never change. Older people have told me that there will come a day when we get realistic about things and settle, but I reject that way of life! I cannot settle for anything less than a life completely dedicated to following God in everything; a life where my efforts are in tune with God's desire to perfect me and fullfill His purpose; and I will strive for that till the day I die.
Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony. There is so much more, but I chose to only include some of the highlights of my life to help paint the picture for you. May the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always.
Thanks for taking the time to share!
for the way he works it is different with each person. I have really learnt a lot from it and saw that god delivers us and is Unique
