Reverse Rejection

[catch22]

Lately, there's been a few girls who have expressed interest in me all of whom are friends and truth be told, I'm perfectly at peace with being single right now and I'm not looking for a relationship. I try to tell them that, but as a result, they seem to become somewhat cold and calloused towards me. I mean I don't want to lose them as friends, but I don't want to pursue anything with them either. What can I do or say to soften the blow?

 

[klewlis]

did you tell them this after they brought up the issue with you, or did you bring it up?

I'm assuming that they brought it up and you responded to them. In this case, just give it some time. As long as you were gentle and honest, you can trust in the strength of your friendship to come through in the long run. In the meantime, they are probably feeling a little hurt, confused, and embarassed, and aren't sure how to act around you. This just takes time to get over... just make sure that you are still being friendly but not TOO friendly, which gives them the wrong signals. Does that make sense?

 

[catch22]

I think that might be one of my problems. Once I know a person I do tend to be pretty friendly. Maybe I'm sending out the wrong signals or something. I honestly don't know what it even is in me that they see. I'm not a great looking guy or anything. I'm just Joe! Maybe I ought to go hide in an undisclosed location somewhere.

 

[klewlis]

I think that might be one of my problems. Once I know a person I do tend to be pretty friendly. Maybe I'm sending out the wrong signals or something. I honestly don't know what it even is in me that they see. I'm not a great looking guy or anything. I'm just Joe! Maybe I ought to go hide in an undisclosed location somewhere.

Well they're obviously seeing something great!

Maybe try asking a female friend who is not a concern (married friends are the best for this sort of thing). She could point out if there's anything in particular you're doing that would send the wrong signals. On the other hand, if you are simply a great and friendly person then girls will naturally be attracted no matter what you do, and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty about that or go hide in an undisclosed location... you just have to figure out how to deal with them.

 

[KeilCoppes]

Maybe I ought to go hide in an undisclosed location somewhere.

I've always been a fan of either the iron box, or the monastery with a pizza-delivery service. :^)

ps - It took me a long time to learn that you can be friendly with, attractive to, and attracted to others without other intentions intruding - it's a matter of attitude and comfort with yourself with where you are in life. :^)

 

[Stanfi]

IMHO, all that you can do is be upfront and honest, but do it in a sympathetic way as possible. Many times we try to "soften the blow", and give people the wrong impression, and end up stringing them along. That intial "sting" is much less painful than months of being drug through the mud.

 

[msjones21]

I am of the opinion that women hate rejection more than men. See, when a guy is rejected he usually gets his ego bruised a little bit and sometimes it motivates him to pursue it even harder. It's a competitive thing.

When a woman is rejected by a man we're usually shocked. It hurts our ego, our self esteem, and it embarasses us. That's why we become cold towards men who reject us, because we don't really know how to act around them after that.

It's a sticky spot to be in. On one hand, you don't want to reciprocate their cold attitudes because you want to preserve the friendship. On the other hand, you don't want to be overly nice and then lead them to believe you've changed your mind. Just keep being yourself and be up front. Just let them know without any hesitation that you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship right now and then move forward. Don't make a bunch of halfhearted apologies, don't lead them on, don't be cold with them. Just keep doing what you're doing and always be completely up front and direct.

 

[catch22]

And another thing, two of the three weren't Christians which makes me want a relationship with them even less. Should I be honest in that regard too, or should I jut stick with the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship right now?

 

[msjones21]

If they aren't Christians I would just stick with the response that you aren't looking for a relationship at this point. I find that with non-Christians, especially Truth seekers, they will be looking for any excuse to reject Christianity. Their guard is up and you rejecting them because they aren't saved could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

 

[SelfProtect]

Catch22 I would REALLY like you input on my thread "Is he interested in me or just being nice?" since you are a friendly guy.

To respond to your post: I think if they don't want to be your friend because you choose not to date you then that is not the type of friend you need anyway. What were your exact words to them to tell them your not interested in a relationship? Also, I think you shouldn't initiate a hug if your not interested, that to me is a mixed signal.

I also don't think you should tell them its because they are nonchristians. To me that sounds like you think your too good for them and belittling.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

I've been in the position these girls are in (well, yeah...every guy I've ever liked has been mortified by the fact I liked them but that is a different rant for a different post).

Anyway, I reacted a similar way when told they weren't interested...cold...almost to the point of being plain mean-spirited. One of the times I wasn't a Christian, another time I was but still acted in a stupid manner. Basically, I was hurt and frustrated, sick of rejection. It took some time. Eventually I realized it was okay and he (or they, if you will) had a right not to like me in THAT way. In some of the cases we remained friends (not necessarily CLOSE friends, but friendly) and in other cases, we avoided each other like the plague. I agree with the previous post that if they are being rude or cold or whatever simply because you don't want to date them then they definitely aren't friendship material. Don't lead them on...that is worse than the initial rejection (been there too!). Just keep being you. As another post said...there's obviously something good about you that keeps 'em interested. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I know in cyberland this is an 'old' topic but I felt like putting in my 2-cents. I hope all is better now.

HC

 

[KeilCoppes]

Eventually I realized it was okay and he (or they, if you will) had a right not to like me in THAT way. In some of the cases we remained friends (not necessarily CLOSE friends, but friendly) and in other cases, we avoided each other like the plague.

I've seen both, usually the latter. On the other hand, one of the girls that I didn't hit it off with married a man who came to the church, and together they are now my best friends.

Is it perhaps that liking someone romantically is an invasion of their privacy (albeit a friendly one)? It seems to put a requirement on someone to reciprocate, or at least a dare. If they don't, they may feel that you are requiring something of them without their permission that they don't want to give.

At least that's how it has felt from this side of the fence - sometimes those who like you come on sufficiently strong that they start pushing you towards an emotional corner that you're not going to. That's why going slowly works much better.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

Is it perhaps that liking someone romantically is an invasion of their privacy (albeit a friendly one)? It seems to put a requirement on someone to reciprocate, or at least a dare. If they don't, they may feel that you are requiring something of them without their permission that they don't want to give.

Good point KeilCoppes. I did once actually have someone who liked me (I've been single so long that it seems like a scary thought! lol!). I didn't feel the same and in my opinion he couldn't seem to get the message. We went to the same church at the time. We had a 'stormy' friendship because of this. We lost contact when my family switched churches. We then got together a couple of years later and went to a Christian concert together as friends. Nothing more became of it. Somehow we lost contact again. It's been about 14 years. I guess he is married with a daughter now. A few months ago I found myself wondering 'what if I hadn't rejected him?' I know he would have treated me good, unlike some of my subsequent relationships but it's too late now. I hope and pray he is happy in his current situation.