Returning Poster with struggles

[Northern_Boy]

Hi,

I'm returning after being away since 2003 or so. Back then I registered because I was wanting some support and encouragement from by sexual/porn addictions. I've re-registered today, but I'm not privy to the reason why I'm not allowed to post in the porn addiction forum yet, so I decided to post here.

I've come to this forum for the last year on and off. Every time I read people's advice about "find accountability again" . . . "you can't do this on your own" . . . "set up the porn filter on your PC" I would just walk away from the computer and not heed the advice, not because I thought the advice was bogus, but because I'd lost faith that any such measures had worked.

I've tried everything yet still struggle with this. I put a filter on my PC but if I know the password I just override it in secret and do my thing. And then feel guilty. And guys in accountability? I just find it hard to listen to guys try to talk to me about how I need to "do this" and "Do that" when I know they're christians but come on . . who are they fooling? They have the same issues too. I just wish people would just listen to my heart and not tell me what I need to do and would just LISTEN and not judge and would just put their arm on my shoulder and love me without words ya know?

I have not lost faith in God, but I'm sure my theological thinking is messed up. I find myself asking often "Why in the world can't God deliver us from this stuff? Why do WE have to fight it and overcome it? Why can't he just turn the stinking sex-addict switch off if he knows I can't do it on my own?" I lay in bed every stinking night praying that I know I'm flawed and that I know I've just spent a chunk of time looking at porn, but told God that I know I'm still saved and that's enough for me, that I guess I'm just living in a world of sin and that I should never expect to ever live a life of love and peace.

For about 5 years I've never wept. But today was my breaking point. I wept uncontollably because I can't believe that this is my life. I can't believe that this is what being feels like. I haven't felt hope on earth in a long time, the only hope I have faith in is that some day I will be rid of this world of death and disappointment once the Lord decides it's time to go.

I'm divorced. Been single for 12 years. Gone on dates on and off. But nothing ever seems to work out. I've prayed. I've been open to my standards being flexible to discovering something new about myself and the type of woman God may want me to meet, I've shown grace to others, just tried to be a good person . . . . . . accept that I will never be perfect . . . and that I'm saved . . . . . but where is this "blessings on Earth" deal? After 12 years of waiting for God to give me a partner I feel like giving up. I've been given the gift of the cross. I thank Christ each day for that. If that's all I have then that's enough. I'm just venting the part of me that is flesh and in this world of hurt and hate, and I really have no faith that I will ever know love again.

Again, sorry of I've put this in the wrong forum, but I couldn't post in the appropriate one.

 

[Bellicus]

Hi, I tried to make a post in the porn addiction forum once, but I was not able. It is only allowed for males to post there, but there were some bug about what gender I was registered as. I contacted the admins of the forums and they was able to reset my profile and it worked after that. So maybe you could do the same.

When it comes to your problems I don't have any clever advice. Remember that you are only a human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Northern_Boy]

Hi, I tried to make a post in the porn addiction forum once, but I was not able. It is only allowed for males to post there, but there were some bug about what gender I was registered as. I contacted the admins of the forums and they was able to reset my profile and it worked after that. So maybe you could do the same.

When it comes to your problems I don't have any clever advice. Remember that you are only a human. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thank you for your honesty. I find just saying how I really feel and what I am thinking it's like prayer and that God works through folks like yourself. Who knows . . but I do appreciate an exchange with people who care enough to reply.

 

[Johnnz]

Many people struggle with their sexuality. Unfortunately, a lot of that is due to teaching that turns our sexuality into our enemy. It must be resisted, fought, denied. Never let your guard down. Build your fortress like this - rules 1-100. Take up the cross. And so on.

What that never takes into account is the fact that it was God himself who created humanity with an incredibly strong sex drive, not Satan. Sure, porn is not for a Christian. That is badly distorted sex. But suppression and will power alone won't work that well as many discover.

John
NZ