God has rescued and transformed me like he continues to do daily.
Rescued - From my so called father, a man who has been married twice and soon to be divorced twice, a man with four children, 2 from each marriage and a man who has always loved the pub more than us. He's been an alcoholic since he was 15 and I believe it's alcohol that has ruined my life.
Thankfully, because of his drinking, I didn't see much of him and when never bonded like parents should. He physically, metally, and emotionally abused me, and most of the time was to drunk to know that he was doing it. I was constastly worrying about the next time he saw me and what would happen, and many times i wished he would never return home. I remember how he would 'ground' me for the smallest things, only i would risk going outside anyway, and if he came home earlier than normal i would just hide from him. Once my friends helped me into a dustbin i could hide in, so he couldn't find me. If he had seen me outside having fun he would have sent me in and punished me. He would always get his own way in the end, and i hate myself for feeding him this power - I guess i just never had the guts to stand up to him.
I think the things that affect me the most now are the memories i find i carry around with me, that i often find myself thinking over, when i do i just pray that God will focus my mind on something else. Some days I obviosuly loose sight on how far i've come, and everything just reminds me of the past. For example seeing a father playing with his children is something i struggle to watch and something i still envy very much. As i child i could never understand why my father was different to everyone elses,why i wasnt allowed a dad who played with me, or loved me and wondered what i have done wrong. Food also reminds me of him,he use to hide most of it from me, so during the day all i could eat was bread and other basics. Every sunday he cooked us all a roast dinner, but purposely put my meat and food in the oven later than everyone elses, knowing it would make me ill. If I refused to eat it all, i was told to stay at the table until i had finished, like many parents do. But where we were both as stubborn as each other, I would sit there until the early hours of the morning, until i was sent to bed, and it then continued the next day with the same cold and uncooked food. I obviously learnt to eat it there and then on the sunday, knowing i could either be ill or make myself throw it back up. There are other things i could include but it seems impossible to write them all down.
Transformed - Since becoming a christian, my father has left home, and i've slowly started to change from a messed up girl to a young adult with a more positive outlook on life. A few years ago i was a bully, i would bully anyone i could, like the girl who gave my sister trouble. I followed her home from school, pushed her in a hedge, shoved her around a bit and told her to leave me sister alone. She ran the rest of the way home crying and now years later they are friends, and i have to deal with seeing her every now and then, and i feel so bad. I also remembered I bullied a girl simply because she annoyed me,she reported to my head teacher,meaning i could have got into serious trouble. Because of my perfect reputation i told her it was all lie sand she believed me. I didn't think i was 'hard' and never bullied anyone my own size, making myself just as bad and low as my father. When i realized what i was doing was wrong, i stopped, but along with everything else i found myself self harming everyday and starving myself every few days. However I know God is changing all this and together we are working through things. I know that i slip up, and i know im far from perfect, but writing this has showed me just how far i've come.
Thanks for reading. x
Rescued - From my so called father, a man who has been married twice and soon to be divorced twice, a man with four children, 2 from each marriage and a man who has always loved the pub more than us. He's been an alcoholic since he was 15 and I believe it's alcohol that has ruined my life.
Thankfully, because of his drinking, I didn't see much of him and when never bonded like parents should. He physically, metally, and emotionally abused me, and most of the time was to drunk to know that he was doing it. I was constastly worrying about the next time he saw me and what would happen, and many times i wished he would never return home. I remember how he would 'ground' me for the smallest things, only i would risk going outside anyway, and if he came home earlier than normal i would just hide from him. Once my friends helped me into a dustbin i could hide in, so he couldn't find me. If he had seen me outside having fun he would have sent me in and punished me. He would always get his own way in the end, and i hate myself for feeding him this power - I guess i just never had the guts to stand up to him.
I think the things that affect me the most now are the memories i find i carry around with me, that i often find myself thinking over, when i do i just pray that God will focus my mind on something else. Some days I obviosuly loose sight on how far i've come, and everything just reminds me of the past. For example seeing a father playing with his children is something i struggle to watch and something i still envy very much. As i child i could never understand why my father was different to everyone elses,why i wasnt allowed a dad who played with me, or loved me and wondered what i have done wrong. Food also reminds me of him,he use to hide most of it from me, so during the day all i could eat was bread and other basics. Every sunday he cooked us all a roast dinner, but purposely put my meat and food in the oven later than everyone elses, knowing it would make me ill. If I refused to eat it all, i was told to stay at the table until i had finished, like many parents do. But where we were both as stubborn as each other, I would sit there until the early hours of the morning, until i was sent to bed, and it then continued the next day with the same cold and uncooked food. I obviously learnt to eat it there and then on the sunday, knowing i could either be ill or make myself throw it back up. There are other things i could include but it seems impossible to write them all down.
Transformed - Since becoming a christian, my father has left home, and i've slowly started to change from a messed up girl to a young adult with a more positive outlook on life. A few years ago i was a bully, i would bully anyone i could, like the girl who gave my sister trouble. I followed her home from school, pushed her in a hedge, shoved her around a bit and told her to leave me sister alone. She ran the rest of the way home crying and now years later they are friends, and i have to deal with seeing her every now and then, and i feel so bad. I also remembered I bullied a girl simply because she annoyed me,she reported to my head teacher,meaning i could have got into serious trouble. Because of my perfect reputation i told her it was all lie sand she believed me. I didn't think i was 'hard' and never bullied anyone my own size, making myself just as bad and low as my father. When i realized what i was doing was wrong, i stopped, but along with everything else i found myself self harming everyday and starving myself every few days. However I know God is changing all this and together we are working through things. I know that i slip up, and i know im far from perfect, but writing this has showed me just how far i've come.
Thanks for reading. x
