Rescue me from this....

[tom_Rics]

Hi,

Some may remember I posted about this situation a while ago, doesn't really matter if you read that or not.

I just don't know what to do at the moment and i need help, I want to be happy but I cannot find it anywhere and its killing me.

I had a really good friend, someone who i enjoyed sharing a lot of interests with and we had plans for things we were to do in the future which I (and I know she) looked forward to doing. The thing is that i started to have feelings for her as more than a friend, something that i did not want because i saw her friendship as very important and i didn't want to lose it. I fought against it and it wasn't too bad until she became concerned to say that we are only friends. At this time i made it clear that i had no intention for more than friends and that i wanted God at the centre of our friendship so it is honouring to him.

The feeling would not go away, i tried all i could to bring God into it but it wouldn't leave. I knew that something had to be done so I went to tell her how i felt but she had already decided we could no longer be friends. She refused to let me know why, even on asking her if it was because she felt i was suggesting more than friends which really confused me.

A couple of weeks later i tried talking to her in person about it but she got annoyed with me. In the end i wrote a letter to her telling her how much i hate feeling this way and how much i miss her friendship and all i hoped was to sit down and talk to her about it.

Its 2 months since i tried speaking to her, and i haven't spoken to her since. But everyday i wake up and feel sick and all i think about is what happened no matter how much i try to distract myself from it. I still have these empty desires in my heart for the things we talked about doing and no way of replacing them or fulfilling them.

It feels like each day is merging into one and every moment of it feels awful, I trust in God to rescue me from the darkness of this pit, i just don't know what to do until then.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Hi tom_Rics!

Wouldn't it be nice if matters of the heart weren't so confusing sometimes?!? Please know that you are not alone in going through this and that you will get through this, even in those moments when you seriously doubt that. It will get better!

Hi,

Some may remember I posted about this situation a while ago, doesn't really matter if you read that or not.

I just don't know what to do at the moment and i need help, I want to be happy but I cannot find it anywhere and its killing me.

I had a really good friend, someone who i enjoyed sharing a lot of interests with and we had plans for things we were to do in the future which I (and I know she) looked forward to doing. The thing is that i started to have feelings for her as more than a friend, something that i did not want because i saw her friendship as very important and i didn't want to lose it. I fought against it and it wasn't too bad until she became concerned to say that we are only friends. At this time i made it clear that i had no intention for more than friends and that i wanted God at the centre of our friendship so it is honouring to him.

The feeling would not go away, i tried all i could to bring God into it but it wouldn't leave. I knew that something had to be done so I went to tell her how i felt but she had already decided we could no longer be friends. She refused to let me know why, even on asking her if it was because she felt i was suggesting more than friends which really confused me.

A couple of weeks later i tried talking to her in person about it but she got annoyed with me. In the end i wrote a letter to her telling her how much i hate feeling this way and how much i miss her friendship and all i hoped was to sit down and talk to her about it.

It sounds like you have done all that you can do, at this moment. The ball is in her court. And personally, I think you should let it stay there unti she decides to make a move. If you push her, it might make her feel, well, pushed into doing something she doesn't feel ready to do. Now, I don't know that she has handled the situation right, but none of us handle each and every situation we are in perfectly and correctly. I would just certainly continue to pray-for her and for the situation. That God would work in both and reveal how things should go forward. It sounds like each of you could benefit from some closure if the relationship is to go no further.

Its 2 months since i tried speaking to her, and i haven't spoken to her since. But everyday i wake up and feel sick and all i think about is what happened no matter how much i try to distract myself from it. I still have these empty desires in my heart for the things we talked about doing and no way of replacing them or fulfilling them.

It feels like each day is merging into one and every moment of it feels awful, I trust in God to rescue me from the darkness of this pit, i just don't know what to do until then.

Now, this may come across as sounding a little tough at first, but here it goes. You can get through this. One of the first things you need to do is recognize that no other human can heal your heart. Not this girl. Not anyone. This is a Jesus sized hurt. Only our Lord and Creator can heal our hearts. So many times we rely on humans (and I am so guilty of this) to heal us, but really and truly, only Jesus can heal the scars left by others in our lives and on our hearts.

You also will need to start taking control of your life. I know that you are disappointed and so many dreams seem unfulfilled. But if you keep dwelling on what you don't have and what you aren't doing, you'll just keep living in that pit. It's not like one day you are in the pit and then the next day "wow, I'm out, I can start living again." Living in the pit is were depression comes in and decides to stay awhile. I know. I lived in the pit for several years. But there comes a time when you have to say, with determination, "It's time to leave the pit." Some days it's baby steps. You do something new and different. Or you do something you had planned on doing with someone else, but you do it anyway. Some days you don't get far. Some days you go back in the pit. But you keep moving. Just don't settle there.

tom_Rics-just know that God is close to the brokenhearted and He loves you very much. It hurts Him to see you hurt. Just continue to turn your face towards him and let Him heal you. Let Him have control of this situation. It may not end the way you hope it will, but rest assured, if you let it rest in God's will, it will be done in the best way that it can be for you and also for her.

's and 's

 

[charligirl]

In my experience of emotional pain from a relationship, God doesn't just pull me out of the pit I am in, He doesn't just take emotions away, I am not actually sure He is able to.

Let me explain what I mean, when I was in this situation and longed with all my heart for the other person I couldn't have, I think what I experienced was a sort of grief.... in some way I wallowed in that, I allowed myself to sit in my emotions because they somehow seemed to keep that person closer to me.

I tried asking God to take my feelings away but He never did, He will not override our free will and to be honest I can see with hindsight that I chose to go over and over and over the facts, analysing the past, looking for a chink of hope that there could be a future with that person. Waking up every morning and remembering they were not in my life, hoping it would change.

Also there was a warped hint of the fact that I felt like if I just 'got over' it that quickly then I was somehow betraying them or I didn't love them enough.

As I said, there is freewill and God will not override that, I chose to love the man in question and I could not give my feelings up. All the while though I was asking God to override them and take them from me – He won’t do that... even though at the time I thought I was offering it to God, I can see with hindsight that I wasn't in that place where I was able to.

Trying to stop yourself thinking about her will not work, try to replace those thoughts with scripture and confession. When I used to get stuck in a pit I would start to confess scripture out loud "I am more than a conqueror, I will overcome by the word of my testimony and the blood of the lamb, it's not me but Christ who lives in me, I have the mind of Christ....etc" This helped me, I needed to pour into my heart things that are good and holy and true, it's the only way i know how to renew my mind and find release.

What do you do until God rescues you? You stand up in your pit and shout, 'Here, God, I'm over here! I'm injured but I want to be free' You give this to God and earnestly seek Him - NOT about this girl and the how's why's etc, but about His love for you, about His plans for your life.

Not easy I know, but it's the only way I know how.

 

[Snowhite]

Just a thought from a girl's perspective....it may be that she feels the best way to keep from hurting you is to totally step back from the relationship. Sometimes we feel if we can't be on the level that the guy wants, the best thing is to end it rather than go on potentially giving false hope, or making things worse...

 

[songz777]

Hi Tom,
I cant imagine how much you must hurt, but I do know what agony it is to have emmotional hurt. There is HOPE and LIGHT and JOY at the end of the tunnel. The Lord really loves you and HE will HEAL your BROKEN heart...all this sorrow will hopefull pull towards God and rely upon Him for help ..as you do so you will grow closer to Him.. the trial of fire you going through now will refine you into a much stronger and even better Christian ..I have had lots of bad suffering .. emmtioanlly especially so i can talk to you with practical experinece. Seek the happiness of God and He will begin to heal you. Spend time before yes in tears and questions .. but never turn your back on Him or balme Him ..allow all this to pull you to Him and WAIT for Him to bless more than you can ever imagine ... and by His goodness a dear special lady to.
Be strong ...try and give thanks to Him even in this ... and youir healing will start.take care Bless you fm JOHN

 

[Stanfi]

It sounds like you may have put a lot of hope in this realtionship, anticipating good things in the future. Then when it fell apart you were devasted. What you need to do is turn this situation over completley to God, and let him take care of it and heal you wounded heart.


I suggest reading, Wild at Heart, Waking the dead, or Sacred Romance by John Eldrege. Your concetration at this point should be healing your heart and becoming whole.

 

[wheels4Christ]

Hi,

Some may remember I posted about this situation a while ago, doesn't really matter if you read that or not.

I just don't know what to do at the moment and i need help, I want to be happy but I cannot find it anywhere and its killing me.

I had a really good friend, someone who i enjoyed sharing a lot of interests with and we had plans for things we were to do in the future which I (and I know she) looked forward to doing. The thing is that i started to have feelings for her as more than a friend, something that i did not want because i saw her friendship as very important and i didn't want to lose it. I fought against it and it wasn't too bad until she became concerned to say that we are only friends. At this time i made it clear that i had no intention for more than friends and that i wanted God at the centre of our friendship so it is honouring to him.

The feeling would not go away, i tried all i could to bring God into it but it wouldn't leave. I knew that something had to be done so I went to tell her how i felt but she had already decided we could no longer be friends. She refused to let me know why, even on asking her if it was because she felt i was suggesting more than friends which really confused me.

A couple of weeks later i tried talking to her in person about it but she got annoyed with me. In the end i wrote a letter to her telling her how much i hate feeling this way and how much i miss her friendship and all i hoped was to sit down and talk to her about it.

Its 2 months since i tried speaking to her, and i haven't spoken to her since. But everyday i wake up and feel sick and all i think about is what happened no matter how much i try to distract myself from it. I still have these empty desires in my heart for the things we talked about doing and no way of replacing them or fulfilling them.

It feels like each day is merging into one and every moment of it feels awful, I trust in God to rescue me from the darkness of this pit, i just don't know what to do until then.

Hi TomRics,

Sorry to hear about your heartaches. Rest assured our Lord is caring for you.

May I ask how old you and your lady friend is? I know age shouldn't matter in terms of relationship... but in my experience maturity age does play a factor. Say if you are still in your teens, normal girls (I will catch heat with this) will rather go for the "hunks" or superfacial guys rather than the "best friend" type. Even if the girls know they shouldn't, they do. They view the "best friend" type as boring and will eventually take for granted they will always be there instead of siezing thing moment.

"Best friend" type of guys and gals will fare better later in life... say above 25 years. When most people in my observation are looking to settle down. Thats when they want a safe zone of a person. It is at this stage that attraction to most compatible person is high priority.

I have experienced what you are discribing with one exception. I never told her how I felt. I was scared she would break our friendship or worst hate herself for not loving me in that sense. Everyone of our friends always teased us that we "were too close" or "over done flirting" as friends. She is the girl next door and was always there somehow.

In the end i wrote a letter to her telling her how much i hate feeling this way and how much i miss her friendship and all i hoped was to sit down and talk to her about it.

NO! Why must you hate yourself for loving her? It is a beautiful thing that you can give your love to her. Not many people can do that. When you find that perfect one that can return your love = match made in Heaven.

Never regret your love for her. Part of love is taking a chance at disappointment for a chance of fullfillment. Would you only risk loving someone ONLY if you knew for sure that someone also loved you?

At this time i made it clear that i had no intention for more than friends and that i wanted God at the centre of our friendship so it is honouring to him.

This is the best thing you wished for, having God be in center and control of your relationship....

The feeling would not go away, i tried all i could to bring God into it but it wouldn't leave. I knew that something had to be done so I went to tell her how i felt but she had already decided we could no longer be friends.

but then you tried to take control of relationship and confessed to her your feelings. Maybe it wasn't the right time? Maybe God's plan which you were willing to let start hasn't developed yet?? and then you jumped the gun??? Sorry if this sounds like second-guessing your choices... but if you two truly want God at the center... only good things will come from that. Even if it is not what you want, the end result waill be for best.

The ball is indeed in her court. Problem could be that she doesnt want the ball there and doesnt know how to deal with it. I know if you could, you would undo your action (Wish we had a real Control + Z in real life with 9999 history step). But you cant. What you two go from here is up to you two. Let her know you still want her in your life even if she doesnt feel the same love to you. If you can accept that?

God bless and good luck.

 

[KLLM82]

He doesn't just take emotions away, I am not actually sure He is able to.

There is something called emotional healing. God heals people in the matter of the heart as well.

~Katia~

 

[Living4Him03]

I trust in God to rescue me from the darkness of this pit, i just don't know what to do until then.



Celebrate the victory before it arrives

 

[charligirl]

There is something called emotional healing. God heals people in the matter of the heart as well.

~Katia~

Absolutely there is, I didn't mean to suggest there wasn't... what i meant was that God does not often make our feelings disappear immediately, as in 'oh God take away these emotions' and wham they are gone the next second.

He usually heals us through a process, changing our heart over time until we do not feel the emotions any more because the root of the pain has been healed.

 

[Lindsey374]

how old are you?

 

[tom_Rics]

Hi thanks for the great messages. (I'm 23 in a few months and she is already 23) I've been reading the John Eldredge books as well, they are really good i would recommend them to anyone.

I find things are still very difficult, i dont understand what i am supposed to do with all the things that we had hoped to do together. Some of them it is easy to work through because i can do them with other people and really try and see the potential to work at building better friendships with the people i already know or would like to know better. However there are a lot of things that i just cannot see how they can be replaced, specific interests that we shared and talked about or specific things we planned to do that no one else can replace.

I really fear the way in which i may (and already feel) that i am looking for her 'replacement', that i am merely looking for the things that i have lost in someone else.

The thing is i do not want to give up on the things that we shared together or the things in friendship which opened my heart to things that have been locked away for so long. She really provided a friendship which i could begin to realise that the person inside of me could be valued. The fears and wounds that i have carried for so long were worth fighting against to begin to see more of the person i really wanted to be. And i was fighting this with Gods strength and provision to reveal how i have been wounded in the past and had been led to lock my heart away.

I know at first i valued her response to me too highly, that in fighting to become more alive in myself i measured it on her response. I soon learnt how wrong this was, that God is the one who i need to look to, for in doing this i am to become closer to the person that he intended me to be. And in focusing on God, putting him at the forefront of every decision. In every aspect of my life -not just this one friendship- i sought to see how i could live more like Christ. My trust has always been that in seeking first the will of God and to trust in him all else will follow that is sufficient for my life.

In the friendship I saw the immense blessing to really get closer to my heart in area that we as friends shared. It was the joy of sharing with her that led to the feelings of love.

(Im realising this is becoming a long post, sorry about that!)

Now that her friendship has gone I feel stuck with these interests with no one to share them with. And i dont want to lose them, i dont want them to fade and become hidden again but when i try and find strength to go to these interests alone all i feel is pain because i know that a friend who was so special to me has now gone away.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I find things are still very difficult, i dont understand what i am supposed to do with all the things that we had hoped to do together. Some of them it is easy to work through because i can do them with other people and really try and see the potential to work at building better friendships with the people i already know or would like to know better. However there are a lot of things that i just cannot see how they can be replaced, specific interests that we shared and talked about or specific things we planned to do that no one else can replace.

I really fear the way in which i may (and already feel) that i am looking for her 'replacement', that i am merely looking for the things that i have lost in someone else.

The thing is i do not want to give up on the things that we shared together or the things in friendship which opened my heart to things that have been locked away for so long. She really provided a friendship which i could begin to realise that the person inside of me could be valued. The fears and wounds that i have carried for so long were worth fighting against to begin to see more of the person i really wanted to be. And i was fighting this with Gods strength and provision to reveal how i have been wounded in the past and had been led to lock my heart away.

I know at first i valued her response to me too highly, that in fighting to become more alive in myself i measured it on her response. I soon learnt how wrong this was, that God is the one who i need to look to, for in doing this i am to become closer to the person that he intended me to be. And in focusing on God, putting him at the forefront of every decision. In every aspect of my life -not just this one friendship- i sought to see how i could live more like Christ. My trust has always been that in seeking first the will of God and to trust in him all else will follow that is sufficient for my life.

In the friendship I saw the immense blessing to really get closer to my heart in area that we as friends shared. It was the joy of sharing with her that led to the feelings of love.

(Im realising this is becoming a long post, sorry about that!)

Now that her friendship has gone I feel stuck with these interests with no one to share them with. And i dont want to lose them, i dont want them to fade and become hidden again but when i try and find strength to go to these interests alone all i feel is pain because i know that a friend who was so special to me has now gone away.

tom_Rics-

After reading your post, it sounds like to me that God may have been using this relationship with this girl to help bring you closer to Him and perhaps He has used it to prepare you for something or someone better. You said that it opened you up in so many different ways, to things that you hadn't discovered before and that you didn't want to lose. Maybe the only way God could open you up to these things and possibilities was through this woman. That was His plan for your relationship with her. You don't have to lose all of the great discoveries you have made about yourself just because this young woman isn't apart of your life anymore. Maybe the thing to do is to thank God that the discoveries were made and open yourself up to were those discoveries may now lead. I read someplace one time that sometimes when God closes a door in our lives that we sometimes stare so long at that closed door that we fail to see the one beside it that He is opening for us to go through.

Even though you can't see how your life can go on without this young lady or how you can do these activites that she has opened up for you, God can. Now it might not happen today or tomorrow or the next day. But just keep your eyes and heart on the Lord and give Him your pain and your confusion and your hurt. He can and will take it and transform it into good. His Word says that He will.