repressed memories *possible trigger*

[GodslovesavedJen]

I started remembering that I was raped when i was 10 by my father's trusted employee and friend. Sometimes I feel like I am making it all up in my head. I mean, I really feel like nothing like that could have ever happened to me. It seems ridiculous, but I started having flashbacks and memories a year ago. I denied it completely, but recently the flashbacks and memories are too hard and too often to be able to deny it. Although I have pushed back all memories and flashbacks lately (only one week), I am experiencing some of my old coping skills such as cutting and going into an eating disorder because I am holding everything in. I don't want to remember anymore, and I have been able to allow myself to not remember. I won't even allow myself to think about it, but again, my concern is it is starting to kill me inside and outside. I am really good at looking happy and actually feeling happy when really I am being destroyed by everything. I was also physically abused and neglected by my father and emotionally abused by my mother. I was also kind of molested by my friends father. Everything is hitting me now and making it hard to function through out the day. I mean, I don't feel out right bad except for some points in the day, but I can tell because I am pushing feelings and memories back I am dealing with the ED and the cutting. I feel like I am not making sense to anyone, but if I am cool.. and also I feel ashamed for ever telling anyone about this because I feel like it just didn't happen. It's just the flashbacks and feelings were so vivid and real and I kept going into severe panic attacks. I started to become so fearful of men that I couldnt' even see them and I couldn't go outside for a while. Right now those two things are not as bad because I am suppressing everything. I just don't want to actually physically talk about all this for fear of all that emotional pain coming back and the fear of men and being outdoors. I dont' know what to do. Can someone offer some encouragement and advice?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

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[GodslovesavedJen]

I'm having a hard time today. I decided to read some people's threads and i am experiencing mild body memories. And some emotional turmoil. The thing is, I need to kind of retrigger because I suppressed a lot and I'm being affected by it but I am not exactly sure what happened anymore if that makes any sense. I don't think I'm making any sense in the least.