Repentance obsessions?

[Ghackman]

Does anyone here ever struggle with obsessions about repentance, like the fear that you haven't genuinely repented, or can't repent, or don't want to. My OCD has been a lot quieter in general lately, but this is something I continue to struggle with, especially for the last couple days. I find myself constantly questioning whether I really want to repent of my sins, whether I really love Jesus more than my sins, etc. It leads to constant self-analysis and checking my every thought, feeling and motive. If I feel even the slightest inclination or desire towards anything sinful, I automatically become filled with fear that I really want sin more than I want God and don't really want to repent. It usually triggers blasphemous thoughts too, which makes me feel even worse and even more afraid that I can't and/or don't want to repent. Even at the times when I am the most peaceful, this fear seems to linger in my mind. Just wondering if anyone else has struggled through this obsession.

 

[Gods warrior 1]

Hi there yes I have the same challenge. How bout we pray for each other.

 

[Ghackman]

Thank you so much for your reply. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. It has become worse over the past couple of days since I first posted here. I keep searching my heart, looking for genuine remorse and sorrow for my sin and can't find it. I want it to be there but feel like it's not. Furthermore, I keep experiencing temptations to sin, especially in the area of lust, and even when I only give in a little I have blasphemous thoughts and then become despairing and fearful that I want my sin more than Jesus. I struggle with constant fear that I am not a genuine Christian and never have been, or that God has left me because of my persistent sin and blasphemous thoughts. I often find it hard to pray, and even when I do, I wonder of God really hears me.

Thank you for praying.

 

[Gods warrior 1]

God loves you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He knows the thoughts are not yours they are intrusive and trespassing. They are not your heart. Please have a look at Grantley Morris scrupulosity.

 

[Savedd]

God loves you unconditionnally. Jesus asked our Father to forgive those who crucified Him. Jesus is the perfect expression of Love and Forgiveness. Don't worry. Salvation is not by works and cannot be lost by non-works. It's all of what Jesus has done on the cross.

 

[jusme]

Thank you so much for your reply. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. It has become worse over the past couple of days since I first posted here. I keep searching my heart, looking for genuine remorse and sorrow for my sin and can't find it. I want it to be there but feel like it's not. Furthermore, I keep experiencing temptations to sin, especially in the area of lust, and even when I only give in a little I have blasphemous thoughts and then become despairing and fearful that I want my sin more than Jesus. I struggle with constant fear that I am not a genuine Christian and never have been, or that God has left me because of my persistent sin and blasphemous thoughts. I often find it hard to pray, and even when I do, I wonder of God really hears me.

Thank you for praying.

Ghakman, what you are experiencing is a very common theme in Christians with OCD. I have experienced it a couple times in my life. It is NOT the devil or demons or God punishing you! He took our punishment upon Himself at the cross. If you are not taking meds for your OCD maybe you should. and if you are maybe you should go to your doctor and discuss your symptoms with them. You may need your meds changed. A couple books I found very helpful in dealing with this type of unwanted thoughts was "Obsessive Compulsive Trap" and "The Doubting Disease". They really hit home concerning scrupulosity and OCD in Christians.

PS: It gets alot better!

 

[jusme]

Thank you so much for your reply. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. It has become worse over the past couple of days since I first posted here. I keep searching my heart, looking for genuine remorse and sorrow for my sin and can't find it. I want it to be there but feel like it's not. Furthermore, I keep experiencing temptations to sin, especially in the area of lust, and even when I only give in a little I have blasphemous thoughts and then become despairing and fearful that I want my sin more than Jesus. I struggle with constant fear that I am not a genuine Christian and never have been, or that God has left me because of my persistent sin and blasphemous thoughts. I often find it hard to pray, and even when I do, I wonder of God really hears me.

Thank you for praying.

...Also I would add, I know very well the feeling of disrepair and hopelessness. But, remember that's all it is, is a feeling. It is the nature of the disorder not a result of any sin or lack of repentance! If you have accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you are HIS forever. I know you have doubts that you are and wonder if you have lost your faith and become lost again. But, that is an impossibility! As Christians, we do not hold onto God, but He holds onto us! We are born into God's eternal family (ie...born again) and if it is eternal it can never end. It is not our faith that even saves us to begin with, it is God's grace, which we receive through faith and that faith itself is also a gift from God. When we are faithless God remains faithful. I know, however, even with all this said and written in scripture, those doubts plaque the Christian with OCD. It is simply the nature of the disorder. And I know when you try to ignore those thoughts you probably feel like your disobeying God or giving in to sin and giving up. This is far from the truth!! God knows our struggles and loves us just the way we are and I assure you He would rather we ignore those thoughts (as best we can) and leave it to Him. But, He also understands our inability to do so at times when we are struggling with OCD. Hmmm.... there is just no escaping the love of Jesus Christ is there? Again, please don't put off getting medical help for your OCD, It is the best thing you can do for yourself and the ones you love and love you!

Peace to you brother in Christ!

 

[faroukfarouk]

Romans 2 is a great repentance chapter in the Epistle.

I would call it a grace rather than an obsession.

 

[jusme]

Romans 2 is a great repentance chapter in the Epistle.

I would call it a grace rather than an obsession.

Faroukfarouk, do you have OCD?

 

[Ghackman]

Thank you everyone for these helpful comments. Blessings on all of you.

 

[jusme]

You are certainly welcome my friend... and if you ever need to talk to someone you can PM me anytime. I am about your age + a few years and have struggled with OCD since I was 12. Of course I didn't know that's what it was until about 10 years ago. With the right treatment and or counseling you well be better than you ever imagined. Another thing I have learned through all my struggles is that the Lord will use us, as Christians, wherever we are in life. I'll be honest with you, before I had two separate year long bouts with OCD, depression and panic anxiety, I was afraid to even talk to folks that had any kind of mental or emotional problem. I didn't want to hear any of there irrational fears etc... for fear that I myself might take on those same fears and doubts. That, I guess, was really part of the early onset of my OCD though. Now, however, after having struggled myself with those things, God has given me a passion to reach out to those who struggle mentally and/or emotionally. I count my suffering as a blessing because of what God taught me through it all. I started out reading Christian encouragement books and books about spiritual warfare. Those really didn't give me much comfort, which was (at the time) troubling. But, the Lord guided my path towards books about mental and emotional health, which just so happen to be in a local Christian book store. It was after the very first book that I read on depression in Christians I realized I did not have a spiritual problem but a physical problem in my brain. That is when I sought medical help and boy did God help me through medication and counseling! I continued to read several books on the subject of mental and emotional disorders,, particularly in Christians, and God just blessed me so much. I felt like I was worth something again! There is such a stigma in the world towards people who have mental and/ or emotional disorders, even (or should I say especially) in the Church, which is sad. I used to be one of those people myself that would say of the person with such problems, "they just need to be strong" or "they just need to have more faith" or "there just feeling sorry for themselves" and the list goes on. Man I don't feel that way anymore! There is absolutely no way anyone, even trained therapist themselves, can fully comprehend the horror, hopelessness, fear and anguish a disorder like OCD, depression and anxiety heaps upon those who suffer from it, unless they have experienced themselves. Granted, most of the things Christians say to those who struggle with such disorders, they say with good intentions. But, because they don't understand the disorder(s) they often, unintentionally heap burning coals upon our heads. There are even quite a few who don't even believe such disorders are real, but rather made up. I guess they don't realize that they believe our frail human bodies can have sickness and disease everywhere except the brain.

Just like God's word says, "For God causes all things to work together for good to those that love Him and are called according to His purpose."

 

[jusme]

Sorry that was so long... I sometimes get carried away when I see or talk to someone who has or has had the same struggles with OCD that I have had.

Just remember,

Romans 8:
"35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 

[lyndseyb]

I have this too.
Do you know that you can actually make yourself hollow and unfeeling?
I read that this is a defence mechanism from the body in response to dealing with anxiety/fear/stress. Makes perfect sense to me.

Whenever I feel like my repentance isn't genuine, I repent anyway and ask god to forgive me for my original sin and for the fact that my repentance doesn't feel genuine.

 

[jcguess78]

I have a question for you. And don't dwell on your answer or wonder what you really believe. Just answer the following question with your deep down honesty in your heart. I just want your initial response when you first read the question. So here it is: Who is Jesus Christ to you personally?

 

[jusme]

I have a question for you. And don't dwell on your answer or wonder what you really believe. Just answer the following question with your deep down honesty in your heart. I just want your initial response when you first read the question. So here it is: Who is Jesus Christ to you personally?

Are you asking me or Ghackman?

 

[jcguess78]

Sorry jusme. I was asking Ghackman. Because as a Pure OCD Scrupulosity person myself I had to realize that my faith truly was in The Lord by His grace. Christians with OCD in this way find it hard to believe they are saved or forgiven or have the right kind of faith or if they repented enough or properly. Ghackman needs to realize the grace of God in his life and realize what he truly believes on for salvation in his heart. That is what has tremendously helped me the most. I finally began to learn this through my psychiatrist who not only has a master in psychology but in theology as well. He himself has been down the road of OCD like the rest of us and is now able to help ppl like us to successfully manage our symptoms. We are not saved by fighting our OCD. We have been saved by God's grace the moment we cried out in faith to His Son to be saved by what He did for us on the cross and that He rose from the dead. The only unpardonable sin is to reject Christ unto death. That is what the Bible says within the context of its entirety.

 

[jusme]

Sorry jusme. I was asking Ghackman. Because as a Pure OCD Scrupulosity person myself I had to realize that my faith truly was in The Lord by His grace. Christians with OCD in this way find it hard to believe they are saved or forgiven or have the right kind of faith or if they repented enough or properly. Ghackman needs to realize the grace of God in his life and realize what he truly believes on for salvation in his heart. That is what has tremendously helped me the most. I finally began to learn this through my psychiatrist who not only has a master in psychology but in theology as well. He himself has been down the road of OCD like the rest of us and is now able to help ppl like us to successfully manage our symptoms. We are not saved by fighting our OCD. We have been saved by God's grace the moment we cried out in faith to His Son to be saved by what He did for us on the cross and that He rose from the dead. The only unpardonable sin is to reject Christ unto death. That is what the Bible says within the context of its entirety.

AMEN! Spot on bro!

 

[FireDragon76]

You might benefit from studying some Lutheran or Reformed theology on repentance. Bad theology or poor pastoral advice can certainly cause obsessive religious worrying. A harsh religious environment with an over-emphasis on sin and responsibility is also detrimental.

You might also want to check out a book called Mindsight by Daniel Siegel. Not coincidentally, some Christians have benefitted a lot from quietism, mysticism, and meditation.

 

[lyndseyb]

Sorry jusme. I was asking Ghackman. Because as a Pure OCD Scrupulosity person myself I had to realize that my faith truly was in The Lord by His grace. Christians with OCD in this way find it hard to believe they are saved or forgiven or have the right kind of faith or if they repented enough or properly. Ghackman needs to realize the grace of God in his life and realize what he truly believes on for salvation in his heart. That is what has tremendously helped me the most. I finally began to learn this through my psychiatrist who not only has a master in psychology but in theology as well. He himself has been down the road of OCD like the rest of us and is now able to help ppl like us to successfully manage our symptoms. We are not saved by fighting our OCD. We have been saved by God's grace the moment we cried out in faith to His Son to be saved by what He did for us on the cross and that He rose from the dead. The only unpardonable sin is to reject Christ unto death. That is what the Bible says within the context of its entirety.

Thank you!
I so needed to read this today. My OCD was running rings around me last night, making me question whether every thought/action was a sin, whether I had good intentions/motives in everything I did, whether I could ever be forgiven....
I refuse to do this anymore. If you constantly question every little thing you do/say/think then you are bound to find fault but that fault finding and guilt is from me, not from god.
He doesn't want me to live like this.

Today, I finally had the courage to email a church about attending. I've wanted to do this for ages but put it off for fear that it would make my Scrupulosity worse. This is a big step for me so thank you for inspiring me with your encouraging post.

FireDragon76
Thank you for your response also.
I am going to look up your suggestions and see if it helps me also.

 

[jusme]

Thank you!
I so needed to read this today. My OCD was running rings around me last night, making me question whether every thought/action was a sin, whether I had good intentions/motives in everything I did, whether I could ever be forgiven....
I refuse to do this anymore. If you constantly question every little thing you do/say/think then you are bound to find fault but that fault finding and guilt is from me, not from god.
He doesn't want me to live like this.

Today, I finally had the courage to email a church about attending. I've wanted to do this for ages but put it off for fear that it would make my Scrupulosity worse. This is a big step for me so thank you for inspiring me with your encouraging post.

FireDragon76
Thank you for your response also.
I am going to look up your suggestions and see if it helps me also.

lyndseyb,
blessings to you child. I would stay clear of firedragon76's suggestions. I don't mean to offend anybody here! but, Christian humanism is a contradiction to itself.

You are right though... those of us who are Christians with OCD are much harder on ourselves than God is. He surly doesn't want us to live in fear and uncertainty. However, He doesn't get angry with us if we do. Especially, when it is a symptom of an illness. Rather, He desires to wrap his arms around us and comfort us in our suffering.

And FireDragon76 is right about one thing, any religion or church denomination that puts more emphasis on sin and personal responsibility than on God's grace and mercy, is not only detrimental to the well being of Christians with OCD, but it is detrimental to everyone. We all sin because we are bound to our sinful bodies on this earth. Anyone who says they have no sin, makes God out to be a lier. This is what the bible teaches. Jesus died to pay the penalty for your sins, my sins and the sins of the whole world. When we accept His gift of forgiveness and eternal life, it doesn't mean we will no longer commit sinful acts at times. We do not, and will not ever become perfect in this life. But, it is Christ who is our perfection, and because of Him God the Father remembers our sins no more.

I know your struggles though, very well. I have been there myself several times. I am now 50 and looking back, I have to give God thanks for His many blessings! Not just because I am much better now, through medication and therapy. But, because of the way the Lord has used my disorder for good and taught me so much about His Word and also about mental and emotional disorders, especially in Christians.

Even though you probably cant imagine it right now, God will likely also use you and your experience with OCD, anxiety and depression someday to comfort others who suffer in the same way, for the honor and glory of His name.

Hope this helps